Magic Goes BOOM

Author's Note:

my first story let me know what you think

my oc artist
http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Ryuku+the+Creative
http://mytatsur.deviantart.com/

Magic is A W.M.D

chapter 1

Open on a the girls running down the streets from big men in black suits.

"Sunset what do you thank these guys wont with us."

"I don't know fore sure Rainbow but if i had to guess it would be are magic."
.

"I'm starting to wish i would have stayed at Crystal-prep."

"If they wont magic should they go to veges or something. (ha ha ha)."

"Pinky Pie dear now's not the time fore jokes."

"If not now when?"

"Yall kneed to cut it out we are being chased hear. Dang these guys are faster than jackrabbits in June."

"Okey dokey lokey A.J."

"Um girls look."

They all look up in front of them to see the rode has been blocked by tanks. "What the fuck. In to the alley!" Screams Rainbow Dash.

"Dame dead end i guess we have to pony up. Flutter shy you and Dash fly up to the roof with Applejack and Rarity in hand. I will get Pinky Twilight fallow after i get up in-case I drop Pinky now the girls are raising roof to roof.

"What now Sunset." Says Rarity.

"Just keep moving we kneed to lose them." All of a sudden a helicopter fly's up from behind them shooting and killing them all with a quick burst from its mini-gun. A bought a 30 minuets later the girls bodies are being loaded in to a military truck.

"The Major coming attention."

"At-ease men I see we had to kill them well what done is done. Make sure you put the bomb components in the sunset girls house before the news people get there so it looks like a clean job."

"Yes sir. Major Diamond."

The news then goes on to report that 7 local girls were planing on blowing up their school along with the fact that all 7 were killed in a foot chase across roof tops earlier in the day.

Open on a room with 7 capsules withe the girls dead bodies in it hooked up to a big computer of some sort.

The Major walks in to the room "So this thing does what now Dr.Timber. "

Well there are still some E.M. wave coming from them just like the ones we got from the statue in front of their school. This will take it and mix it all in the container over there after that we cam duplicate it and weaponize it. At least that's the plan."

"Ok turn it on and let get to the action. "

"Yes sir."

With a flip of a switch and a tern of a knob all the magic was sucked from the bodies of the girls in to the container ware the portal magic was already stored. Leaving nothing but ash and dust in there pleas thane all of a sudden the container started to shake and in a blast of rainbow light it exploded. (BOOM!) Ripping a giant hole in the ground that spread the world over pulling ever thing and ever one in to the pony world killing billions on both sides. All the humans that were pulled in and survived were changed in to pony's making identifying the dead a little harder and confusing not to mention the ones who now have a copy of them self walking around somewhere in the world.

(One year later) Open on a refuge camp for the people who fall in to the pony world. Walking threw the town as a male unicorn named shining sky walks back in to town. He can see a mix of all kind of pony's. Even one princess Luna but he can teal that she is from the human world by the brand that all those who came from the human world has to have on them as punishment fore the death and destruction are kind brought to this world. When ever you the native pony's see is they look at you like well you kill their Friend's loved ones which i guess a human did but some of us died to and they some times wont even sell you stuff and some others charge so much you cant even bye a weeks worth of food. but thank goodness some are fare you just have to find them. he walk up to the doors of a orphanage.

"I'm back." With in moments a grope of young fillies and colts rush out to greet you with a loud thud he hit the ground.

" What did you get us. what did you get us."

You stand up and start puling out a sack of old toys and crayons. "Well i fond thees in a secondhand store and of course the food as well now let me go put it up now."

"Dad your back!"

"Yes nice to see you to Pink Burst did you miss me."

"NO! only baby's miss their dad."

"So i guess you don't wont you gift then."

"OK I mist you now what did you git me."

"OK hear you go."

A new spell book think you."

Now remember to hide i so the native pony's wont find it in their Contraband searches."

"I will. Dad why don't they wont us learning magic."

"Its because they are afraid of us i guess. From their point of view we are all like the people who caused are worlds to smash in to each so they fear us."

This is a one shot but if it does good i might wight a sequel. Ware you fallow a pony form the human world named Shining sky who rises up to fight the princesses fore power so that both the groups of pony's will be treated equal. The reason i put this at the end is to avoid spoilers.

The End... or maybe not.

Make sure you let me know what you think.

And please leave a comment and like or dislike as you see fit.

Think you all fore reading

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Comments ( 6 )

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earthboundfolk

earthboundfolk #1 · Nov 2nd, 2015 · · ·

Oh where should I start...

First off, I'd like to say that there is a distinct lack of capitalization in your story. This occurs throughout, and it becomes very distracting at times. A second point is that you forget to use quotation marks a lot. This can be very confusing to the reader. Also, do not use onomatopoeia in any writing tended to look professional. It ruins much of the immersion and really looks poorly written. Finally, I cannot stress this enough: Punctuation. Is. Key. Besides missing apostrophes in contractions, you forgot to put period signs at the end of sentences. It completely breaks the flow.

I also want to mention this: The characters seem OOC. I understand that this is your oneshot, meaning that if they swear, it is just what you imagine what they're like off the screen. The problem is that they seem close to how they act on screen at the beginning, so having Rarity or Rainbow Dash (you didn't specify well) suddenly shout "What the fuck?" basically breaks the personality you had been setting up.

Rating: __ __ __ __ (1 Derpy out of a possible 5)

Edit: I would like to note that I didn't hate your story or anything. Yes, it was a mess, but I believe you can write well if you learn from your mistakes. This is supposed to be telling you what you've done wrong so you can do better next time.

LuckieBrony

LuckieBrony #2 · Nov 2nd, 2015 · · ·

fixed it

derpy3

derpy3 #3 · Nov 3rd, 2015 · · ·

not bad but it is a little short u-no but i I would give it 3 stars out of 5 now that you fixed it after earthboundfolk pointed out the Punctuation and capitalization stuff

LuckieBrony

LuckieBrony #4 · Nov 3rd, 2015 · · ·

6595430 thank you fore the comment and its so short because i plan on writing another story to continue it think of it as a set up story

aterriblewriter

aterriblewriter #5 · Nov 3rd, 2015 · · ·

Sorry it took so long for me to take a look at this..... I'm gonna be honest and say that this thing is a mess. just letting my critic loose, nothing personal. I'd say that you need a proofreader to polish this thing up, not that I'm volunteering to be that guy.