It's been nearly 150 years since first contact with the humans, Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship, Head of Diplomacy and many other titles, spear headed the now peaceful relationship of the odd bipedals. Her world has seen an unprecedented growth of technology and culture, mostly for the need of survival. Now during a routine exercise at their newest colony, the peace that has lasted so long may soon shatter.
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Author's Notes: Hello all! Here it is, my official debut! Also my first story... Like ever. So constructive criticism is appreciated. I have no idea about update times or how long this will be. I am very busy but I'll do my best.
Now about the story itself, I have a general plot in my head. I figure this story will be just me testing the waters, so don't expect it being super amazing. Its sci fi theme, I like spaceships and battles along withe MLP, so why not combine them??
Anywho, hope you enjoy!
A Space fairing human race looking for a new home sounds right up my ally, it sounds like a nice ground for conflict though things look calm now I feel the onset of a storm brewing. I always found the idea of humans coming to Equestria but in a little manifest desnity kind of way, but I am just giddy about the whole Nightmare incident a drunk Candace may I have been quite the sight to behold.
6301778 indeed, I hope I can deliver well enough. It should get interesting real fast after all the exposition is out of the way.
As for the drunken party there will be plenty of hints through out to paint an entertaining picture.
I have to say that was a very emotional chapter part sad part humor. the way your world is build shows technology off nicely while Twilight is quick to embrace the change Cadence skepticism is very much called for its good to see that not everypony has embrace technology gives a good sense of cultural clash.
I found the teasing back and forth makes me feel giddy and curious Twilight's little encounter with the admin has me very interested, I agree a flustering Twilight is adorable seeing how you stringed things gently along this time makes me anxious for the next chapter. Not to mention Candace exploits also have me interested she seems to be the opposite a different opinion a nice foil.
While my view on Human fics is if its done well I will enjoy it, I'm a fan of human in equestria but some are rather lackluster copying the same old formula, I seek the Unique and have found it here. Please continue I have faith in your writing prowess
While I find the concept of this story intriguing, issues with grammar kept me from enjoying it. One of the big ones is that you should decide if you want to write in present tense or past tense and stick to it. Also, I felt the beginning was throwing too much exposition around. Stick to the essential, and throw us straight into the action. Explaining details about the setting and its history can wait until it becomes relevant.
My recommendation would be to get an editor. Also, try to limit exposition to what is immediately necessary.
6354357 yeah I've come to realize that the first chapter is quite a bit, eh, not good. I'm planning on going over it again later on and redoing it. This is the first story I've ever written and I'm finding its quite a learning curve. If you haven't yet, give the next two chapters a try. I feel that they do a better job. Lot more character interaction and talking in them. I'm doing my best to find a balance.
Thanks for your input, it really helps with my improvement.
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Happy to help. I'll see about taking a look at the second chapter.
Alright, so this chapter. First of all, the same issue with verb tenses from the first one is still present, as well as other grammar problems. (its vs it's is particularly glaring.) The statue descriptions do drag on at the beginning. Again, we don't need to be told what everything represents. As for the main action, while it's great to see Twilight and Cadance reminiscing, there's a lot of small talk and very little substance. While I do like the casual mentions of technology, as well as their different attitudes towards it, I feel like the story does need to get to the point more.
Again, sorry for the harsh criticism. I'm just trying to be helpful.
6355558 Your criticism is more then helpful. All it does is fuel the fire of improvement. I was hoping to do this alone but maybe I really should get an editor or co-writer in this since I'm so new at this.
Thanks for your input again, at this point, I might just rewrite the whole thing. I was never truly satisfied with it and could never figure out exactly why. You're points have... well pointed me in the right direction. Already my muse is working overtime about how to completely change this around. These new ideas popping in my head already is more satisfying then what I have written so far so maybe I'll refocus on doing a rewrite. Especially the first chapter...
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Happy to help! Best way to learn is by trying new things, so the effort wasn't wasted in any case.