• Member Since 11th Dec, 2014
  • offline last seen 12 hours ago

Roxylalolcat


I'll make my own multiverse! With ponies! And friendship!

T

Midnight Vigil. Ask the wrong pony about it, and you'll wake up in bed the next morning, with no memory of what you did last night. However, if you ask the right questions in the right places, you'll hear fantastic rumors about Princess Luna employing creatures like changelings and vampires. But don't worry. Luna's monsters are on your side, and their job is to protect you against the ones that aren't. They're pretty good at it, too. Most of the time.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 6 )

Okay so critic time.

First bad stuff: spacing and in tern the pacing is indeed something that you need to work on. Plus Vinyl being a vampire is nothing new, see My Roommate is a Vampire for a good example. Furthermore I'm not really a fan of making Vinyl the Nowacking Vinyl again, really I didn't read your Vinyl I read her. And lastly, good god did Luna really have to throw all that exposition at us?

RIGHT bad stuff outta the way now for the good. The idea is brilliant, despite unoriginal, the story description is a great hook, furthermore the characters are likable and seemingly well rounded. Overall a potentially good story with great elements but needs a lot of improvement.

6733224

All your paragraphs are kind of lumped together right now, and it's kind of hard to read.

Haha, yeah. The first time I submitted it, it got rejected for that. I thought I fixed it up okay, but I'll try and be more aware of it in the future. I'm glad you like it, the next chapter will hopefully be out before Christmas, otherwise it might not be until early January.


6733472

spacing and in tern the pacing is indeed something that you need to work on.

Yeah, this is my first fic, the first few chapters are probably going to be a bit rough.

I'm not really a fan of making Vinyl the Nowacking Vinyl again, really I didn't read your Vinyl I read her.

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you mean by this. Are you annoyed because she doesn't talk in canon? This has an AU tag for lots of reasons.

good god did Luna really have to throw all that exposition at us?

I probably could have left it at "We shall see", but Luna thought Coral deserved an explanation. Is it really that bad?

The idea is brilliant

I'm glad you think so. I just hope I can do it justice.

6733770
I think what he meant is that the Vinyl portrayed here reminds him a lot of the Vinyl that the voice actor Nowacking usually voices for.
Such as here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sob1t-iUCmE

6741037 exactly. I got enough of a character similar to Jesse's way back when I read my roommate is a vampire. I'm not saying your concept of vinyl is bad I'm just saying I've heard it before and I would have liked to have heard a different interpretation

6733770 and to respond to your comment on whether or not the exposition dump was bad I've learned the hard way that most times in first chapters you want to ease the readers into a story not give them an exposition dump at once that leaves little mystique and drive for reading the rest of the novel or fanfic

Once again so I must reiterate the fact that this is a good start you just need to work on the polish

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