Scratching Records

by P0NyTPaRTy

Déjà vu

Déjà vu

"Ginger, can you go out back for a moment, i have a very special present to show you.
"Ya dada." as Vinyl went out back, she looked around and didn't see anything. "Dada wha......." Everything goes black for vinyl.
"Momma?" vinyl lets out as she awakens in a dark room with only a bed, and a dirt tub filled with water. The room is grey colored with only a door, and a cracked mirror. A voice came from behind the door, and she recognized it. "Just stay in their and don't cause any trouble." Vinyl heard hoof prints until the sound disappeared.

Young filly Vinyl roamed the room until she saw a corner blanketed by a shroud of darkness. In the corner was a skeleton of another young filly. When she approached the corpse, she saw a necklace with the name "Scratch." Identical to the one she was currently wearing, and she started to cry.

Months went by with little food to eat and contaminated water to drink~~~~~It had been two years since she saw her mother, her father, and even light .She was crying as she did every night, even though there were no more tears. Her sight started to fade and she felt very weak. As she started to fade, she heard a rhythmical bang. She got lost in the sound and refused to let go. She realized that the sound was starting to get louder and louder until it was right on the door of her cell. The door burst open with police officers and doctors. Vinyl was confused and couldn't move, so she just let the doctors rush her away on a rolling bed. She was being rushed from Mr.Riches house, as was he in hoofcuffs. He was sat right next to her father also in hoofcuffs. The last thing she saw before blacking out was the police men putting two pieces of paper into a bag marked evidence. One was the contract she saw two years before, and another was an identical paper contract, but older.

She woke up in the hospital and looked over at her sleeping mother. "Momma, can you get me some water?" This awoke her mother.
"Hiii sweety. I have a surprise for you."
"Really, what is it." says vinyl
"You're first day of school starts in a few weeks". Vinyl is excited and is babbling on to her mother how she can't wait until she gets to meet other fillies.

Comments

[Littleflame]

The idea of the story is good, but you have to fix many grammatical errors. Also, the characters aren't very developed. You have to try to describe things a bit more, and tell the readers how Vinyl felt.
For example: " Hey Vinyl, sweetie, can you please go to your room for a moment or two? I'll be right there with your special birthday present!" Vinyl's father smiled as he looked down at her, but his smile was rather tight, and it didn't reach his eyes. Vinyl looked up, red eyes bright. Her father flinched a bit, but she didn't notice.
" Okay, Papa."
And where did the rolling bed appear from?
Also, when her mother told her that she's going to school, Vinyl seems to have completely forgotten that she had been trapped in a cell with the skeleton of her sister for two years.

[Empen]

*cough*DaveStrider*cough*