wheredidthericego.exe (APRIL FOOLS 2016)
The room was quiet.
David sat, leaning back on his leather office chair, feet up on the desk, crossed, idly checking the widely known website Plebbit. His computer hummed quietly in the background, heating up the otherwise slightly cool room as a miniature heater. His headset sat beside the unused keyboard and mouse, forgotten. The Earth was frozen over outside the house, trees barren of leaves, branches frosted over white, the cold kiss of winter covering the grass and pavement. Twilight laid in the nothingness that was David's computer system, swaying her tail back and forth, her eyes glued to the artificial book that sat in front of her. She turned the pages with her magic, a twinkle of interest in her eye as everything outside her world was dead to her.
The door to David's room was kicked open. David jumped with a startle, fumbling with his phone until it dropped to the floor with a clatter. He let out a yelp, and twisted his neck around to see what the noise was.
Standing in the doorway was a teenaged boy, his straight brown hair sticking up all over the place, wearing a red sweater worn over his shoulders unzipped with black track pants that had a trailing line of white up one of the pant legs. His white runner was comedically raised in the air where it had kicked open the door previously, the poor white wood of the entrance stuck partially in the wall after the force it had endured. He stomped into the room, his thick eyebrows making him look beyond grumpy.
"Hey!" David shouted with an angry start. He swung his chair around so he could face his phone and try to pick it up. "Who are you and what did my door do to deserve that?"
The boy swatted aside David's phone, sending it to a clatter near the floor of his dresser. David's surprised look quickly turned into one of contempt as he stared at the stranger.
"Cut the crap," the boy demanded, pointing an aggressive finger at David. "What the hell have you been doing for the past three months?"
David continued to glare up at the boy. "I've been on my phone on and off, going to class and helping Twilight with researching ways to get her home. What's it to you?"
"Move like you've been doing a whole lot of nothing this entire time," the boy said. "I've seen it all. You can't lie to me. When you wake up, you're on your phone. Then, you lose track of time and have to take the bus to class instead of biking it like you usually do. On the bus, you're on the phone. In class, you're on your phone. On the walk home you almost get run over every day because your eyes are on your phone screen instead of on the streetlights. You have been fired from your job because you want to be on your phone instead of at work! Your rent is three months due but your landlord hasn't kicked you out yet because he's too damn nice and thinks you like his grandson! And I swear to god, you would be on your computer twenty-four seven instead of your phone if Twilight wasn't on it in the first place. Do you realize she's gone through your library of e-books and has started going to the internet for reading material?"
"But I thought I disconnected from the internet?" David pondered.
"You idiot!" the boy exclaimed, hitting David's forehead with the back of his hand. "Twilight has shocked you though the computer's frame before! She can manipulate the forces of the computer! Don't you think that she could find a way to connect the wire back to the internet too with enough time?"
"How does she even figure out she could get more books from the internet in the first place?" David had to wonder.
"Bah! You ask too many questions!" the boy said, pushing David on his chair out of the way and approaching the computer. His hand shot out to the fallen phone on the floor and suddenly it zipped to the boy's open palm. With his other, he grabbed an old smart phone from 2012 out of his own pocket and first pointed one end at David's phone, shooting a small blue spark out before pointed it to the computer screen. The computer was zapped and immediately powered down. David stared in horror as his precious, $2 000 000 rig folded into itself until it became a tiny, two-inch by two-inch cube.
David fell to his knees, tears falling from his face. "What have you done to my computer?"
"Ah, quit your crying," the boy said, summoning the cube to his grasp. "Your computer's fine. We just need it to be a bit in a more compact state. And if you were going to ask, yes, Twilight's fine. I put her in your phone so she can keep a tab on things while we make a break for it to Jack's office. Here, catch."
The boy tossed both David's phone and computer to him, which he struggled to catch until he hugged them both close to his stomach. He looked up for a second before his own sweater fell over his eyes.
"Get your shoes on," the boy said as David put on the sweater after shoving his stuff into his pockets. "We're going out."
David just had one question as he got up. "Who are you?"
The boy looked back, cocky smile and all. "I'm Blue Blaze."
David and BB walked down the sidewalk, the narrow street of cars passing by them as they traveled through the many locally owned shops that sat close together in the buildings around them.
David looked around, puzzled. He stared at one of the grown trees planted in the sidewalk, it's green leaves swaying in the light wind. "Why is it suddenly spring?"
"Narrative continuity," BB said. "And I'm too lazy to keep anything consistent."
Suddenly, a large shadow blotted out the sun. David and BB peered up to see a ginormous alien battleship shaped like a dagger, painted a royally putrid green flying over the air space of the city with large cannons sticking out of the belly. The ground shook, and pedestrians began screaming as they ran away, trying to find cover.
"What the hell is that?" David asked.
"Shit! It's a plot device from one of my really old stories, back when I was garbage at writing!" BB explained, taking a defensive stance. "And it's so old the website couldn't even load the chapters properly! It gave the damn thing an awful paint job!"
BB looked over his shoulder to David. "I think I might need some backup for this."
All of the sudden, David' pocket glowed with a golden light. He pulled out his phone as it shined in his hands, and he took note of the warmth coming out of it. Just then, a large lightning bolt streamed out onto the sidewalk in a steady stream. David let out a shriek, almost dropping the device, squinting as he tried to see what his dumb phone was doing. There was a figure forming from the lightning, quickly growing from the size of a peanut to a tall dog.
The shock fest stopped, and David could see once again, although he could not believe his eyes. Sitting on the sidewalk with her legs like a chicken was a young woman with a purple starburst t-shirt and denim vest matching her skirt. Her glossy black shoes covered the long white socks that reached up her shin. Her hair was black, but had a pink and purple highlight through one of the strands to the side. Her bangs hung over her forehead, and she opened her eyes slowly, revealing purple irises beneath, curiosity forming on her lips.
"Where am I?" she said.
David's jaw dropped. "Twilight?"
"I said I needed a little help, didn't I?" BB reminded as Twilight shakily got to her feet. David grabbed a hold of her arm, helping her up, unable to look away from her eyes. When her gaze met his, it was if time stopped altogether.
"She's hot," David thought.
"No!" BB shouted, separating the two. "No no no no! I am not having any of that crap in my story! Not here, not now! Do you see the romance tag anywhere on the front cover? Do you? No, you don't, and I have no plans of any kind to have a human being and a cartoonish horse-thing going kissy-kissy on each other! Hell no!"
"But she's human now," David tried to defend.
"Fuck you!" BB stated.
Suddenly, thunderous booms shook the air. David, Twilight and BB all turned their attention to the alien ship up above as their cannons began firing large-caliber shells at the denizens below. More screaming erupted that was quickly swallowed by the crunch of buildings collapsing.
"Cut the chit-chat, it's time to take that thing down! Sparkle!" BB called, looking back at her. "Do you have enough of a handle of your new form to help me take that thing on?"
She stood on her own two feet, one hand on her hip and the other in the air, a purple glow emanating from it. Suddenly, the Book of Friendship flew out of the nearby used bookstore, shattering the glass of the window and soaring to Twilight's side. "It depends," she said, "on how overpowered your write me."
"Good," BB stated, turning back to the alien ship, getting into a low battle stance again. "I can write you any way I want."
Twilight was just about to jump up in the air and cast some flight magic. "But!" BB started, interrupting her. "Luna's still my waifu. Ain' nothin' that's gonna change that, ok?"
Twilight gave a nod before the nearby building across the street blew up.
"Nooooo!" David cried, falling to his knees. "That was my favourite cafe!"
"Well then," BB began, his fists alighting with a blue fire. "Let's get this party started."
And Twilight and BB launched themselves into the air, tackling the alien battleship head-on and dealing massive amounts of damage over time.
"Holy shit!" BB swore, a wide grin on his face, bursting from an old blue door. "Thank god Jack's office wasn't blown up by that huge battle we went through."
David, a slightly soot-covered Twilight and BB walked into a car repair garage, with cars all around being propped up by car-propping devices missing several of their key components.
"Why are we in a car repair garage?" David asked dubiously.
"Shit," BB muttered before speaking at a normal volume. "The narrative is falling apart. We need to act quickly and find Jack."
"Well, why is the narrative falling apart? Aren't you the author? Can't you fix that sort of thing?"
"I can't fix every single little thing!" BB shouted, quickly turning around in a rage. "There's a lot of shit to get through! 4 000 words is nothing to laugh at, sonny Jim! I have to write it, read it, edit it, and pray to god the readers will like it! It's can't be as easy as one, two, three, boop-de-bab-de-boop done! There's work that's involved! There's elbow-grease that needs to be applied! There's t's and i's that need to be crossed and dotted! Can't you see? So no, I can't fix 'that sort of thing'."
"What the hell," David stated, facepalming. He suddenly looked up to the audience. "Is this guy seriously my author? Really? This sixteen-year-old is writing a story about a university student? Who thought this was a good idea? Can I get a new author, please?"
BB rose a deflated arm up with a single finger in tried defiance. "I'm not actually, well, sixteen, you know."
David turned to face him in shock and rage. "Well then, what are you then?"
"Well," BB began, pushing his index fingers together awkwardly. "You know how some bronies might see their OC as a pony or maybe as an anthro? That's the same thing that applies here, except instead of a pony or anything close to the brony fandom, I'm instead a sixteen-year-old boy."
"But why?" David asked incredulously.
BB shrunk further from David's gaze. "Because I'm insecure about my age and want to stay in the mindset of a youth forever and never want to grow up?"
David facepalmed. Again. "I can't believe this."
"Hey!" someone shouted from somewhere. The trio looked under one of the red cars to see a figure slide up from underneath it with a wrench in one hand. He stood up in the dim light of the garage. "Can you two keep it down? I don't mind if you visit here, but I don't want you bringing any conflict into my establishment."
"Jack?" David asked, almost not recognizing the guy, save for his mustache. For somewhat reason, he was wearing terrible-looking blue and white stripped overalls that were stained with oil in various places, a white t-shirt over his chest. He adjusted the train conductor cap on his head before wiping sweat on his forehead with his arm.
"What the hell? Why are you fixing cars?" David inquired.
"Meh. I got bored with the whole software development thing," Jack explained. "Now car repair? Now that's where it's at! The tools, the models, the fresh smell of oil and gas," he inhaled loudly through his nose, "aw man, it's just great."
David turned his wide eyes to BB, who took a moment to figure out that all the attention was on him all of the sudden.
"F-Forget about that," BB said, taking long strides to approach Jack. "Look, there's something funky going on in this universe and I'm gonna need you to help fix it all."
"Sure!" Jack replied cheerfully. He walked over to the far wall to a computer that was turned off and looked like it was from the early 2 000s, the case stained yellow with age, the monitor all square and big and disgusting. "Let me just get my computer running here and we'll get started."
David's eyebrows were stuck taut and pointing up. "Wait. What's that thing beside your computer, Jack."
Jack turned around after kneeling down to press on the power button. "Oh, this? This is my portal to Equestria."
Twilight, David, and BB, all were speechless for a few seconds as they look on at the mass of metal that formed a four meter tall rectangle against the wall, the hull made of various soldered-together parts.
"Your portal to what now?" David asked.
"Equestria!" Jack shouted, a bright smile on his face, raising his arms up in fanfare. "I thought that because you were so crap at both your day job and your job of finding a way for Twilight to get back, I would just use my supreme intellect to create a gate of my own so that at least one of those two failures would be fixed by the end of the next MLP season."
Twilight's demeanor brightened significantly. "That great," she said, grabbing David's arm, causing him to blush. "I can go back home, David!"
"And all I need to power the portal is that computer cube in your pocket, David," Jack stated, holding out an open hand to David. "So, give it here."
"Oh no you don't!" BB shouted, pointing an offending finger at Jack. "If you turn t hat portal on, this universe will collapse as we know it! You'll destroy everything!"
"Well gee, that doesn't sound very good," David commented.
A gunshot sounded out, causing Twilight to scream in alarm and take cover, throwing her hands over her ears. BB turned around, shocked to see David fall to the ground limply, a fresh trail of blood seeping from the new hold above his eyes.
"Hey!" BB yelled, his fingers curled into an angry fist. "You killed my main character!"
"You really don't have a choice in the matter, Danny boy," Jack stated darkly, turning the smoking revolver in his possession to BB. "And not even the author can stop me from getting to Equestria!"
Jack shot. Twilight couldn't even see what happened as BB's blurred arm waved in front of his face withing a matter of a millisecond. A round, dented piece of metal fell at BB's feet. "That sort of trick won't work on me," BB sneered.
Jack grit his teeth in frustration, throwing the gun to the ground. "Well I guess we'll just have to do this the old fashioned way!"
BB barely had enough time to register Jack's tackle. The two were suddenly on the floor, grappling for control as they threw punches here and there. Twilight stared in horror as BB was pinned to the ground and repeatedly socked in the face. BB bumped his hips, and Jack was completely thrown off, with BB getting up quickly and pinning him to one of the cars with his shirt. He slammed Jack's head into the red paint of the car until Jack threw a random hook and critically hit BB, sending him back and making him lose his grip. BB was sent to the ground again after Jack plowed into him, with BB landing painfully onto a tool box.
"Bastard!" BB shouted, dodging a punch even though Jack was on top of him before firing off his fist into Jack's stomach. Jack lost all breath and strength as BB shoved him aside, getting on top of the bigger man as they struggled for control once again.
"Twilight" Jack yelled as he kept his hands locked in combat with BB's. "You have to do it!"
"What? Twilight yelled, her mind lost in confusion.
"You have you get David's computer and plug it into the portal!" Jack struggled to say under BB's offensive pressure. "There's a slot for it right on the front, to the right! Get David's computer from his pocket and plug it in!"
BB shot a panicked look to Twilight."No! Don't do it, Twilight! Everything in the human realm will be destroyed!"
"He just doesn't want to see you go back to Equestria!" Jack claimed, pushing back against BB. "He wants to lock you in twenty more chapters with David before he gets to the conclusion! You'll be stuck in his computer for god knows how long until he completes his story!"
Twilight bit her lip, her legs wobbly as she stared at David's unmoving body, a pool of red appearing from under his head on the concrete. Her eyes went to the square bulge in his right pocket. A glint of greed lit in her eye.
"Ung!" BB shouted after taking a straight to the cheek, still on top of Jack. "Twilight, think of the repercussions! David won't have anywhere to live anymore! The Earth will be swallowed into a void of nothingness as the universe collapses on itself!"
"David is dead, you fool!" Jack screeched.
"But I'm the author! I can bring him back Twilight, just trust me!"
Twilight looked nervously at David, then at Twilight before returning her focus to the object in David's inventory.
"Do it!" Jack hounded.
"Don't do it!" BB pleaded.
Twilight closed her eyes for a moment, then opening them, her resolution realized.
In a matter of moments, the gate was equipped with the computer cube after Twilight robbed it out of David's pocket. The machine started humming to life as sparks of electricity began jumping from the inner rim of the rectangle.
BB's eyes widened. "No!"
The portal powered on, showing an image of Ponyville inside the blue-tinted portal that hung in the gate. A rough wind ripped around the garage, forcing air everywhere until it started sucking in the small tools and papers that lay about in the workspace.
"No!" BB shouted again, getting off of Jack in haste and grabbing onto one of the cars.
"Spike! I'm coming home!" Twilight cheered, willfully throwing herself into the swirling portal.
David left a bloody trail of red on the floor as he was slowly dragged across the ground into the glowing blue hole.
"Hell yeah!" Jack yelled. "This is what I've always dreamed about!" He was pulled into the portal too.
"All the characters I write are idiots!" BB cried before the portal sucked in the rest of the garage, cars and all.
The town of Ponyville was peaceful in the afternoon. The sun was shining, the weather was warm, not too many clouds were in the sky, and the ponies were happily prancing around the pavement, chatting, going places and having an all around friendly time.
Well, that is, until a massive blue portal appeared floating above town square.
Ponies gasped as Twilight Sparkle came out of it with great force, rolling until she stopped with a huff. Her head spinning, she got a hold of her senses and lifted her head up, getting focus of her surroundings.
"I'm back?" she questioned before her ears pointed straight up with her smile. "I'm back!"
The Ponyville citizens who were either frozen in fear or refused to move from their spot were horrified to see the corpse of a brown earth pony fall out of the portal with a heavy whump, a hole right in the center of his forehead. Lily, who was watching it all from afar, promptly fainted in front of her flower shop.
"Whee!" a voice cried as a red stallion with a suspicious mustache and a spiraling horn atop his head jump out of the portal, landing perfectly on all four hooves. He looked around with childish wonder. "So this is what Ponyville looks like in real life!"
Several metallic beasts came out of the portal right after, crushing the poor dead pony lying right beneath the entrance to anotehr world. The last thing the phenomenon spat out was a blue unicorn with blue hooves and a blue, spiky mane. His flank was covered with the image of a swirling comet burning blue. He came out at rocket speeds, flying forward, screaming until he hit the ground rolling. His velocity sent him forward until he hit rest at the hooves of another pony.
With a groan, BB peered up, trying to stop the world from spinning. His vision finally focused on the stranger staring down at him. It was an orange stallion with glasses and a goatee wearing a black top hat.
"Blue Blaze?" the stallion said, shock evident in his voice. "I've been looking for you everywhere! Where have you been for the past six days?"
BB's muzzle was screwed up into a crude attempt at a grin. "Uh, heh. Hey there, Hatty."
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And a Happy April Fools to you as well
7066710
Oh hell yes. I've been waiting for a review from TGB for a while now. Thank you!
XD, you got me good. Happy April Fools! I'm just slowly getting impatient on what is going to happen next in the next chapter!
Happily impatient that is...
VERY HAPPILY IMPATIENT.
Well... this was a thing... you planning on following Anthropology's example and moving this chapter to its own one shot once it's no longer April Fools?
gg top kek mate
7085463
That's actually a good idea. I was just going to keep it labeled as "(APRIL FOOLS 2016)" after April Fools, but I don't like the chapter adding to the total word count because all of it is moot.
I might actually do that.
Yeah no. First few paragraphs and I'm like, 'Buh-bye! I got some Super Mutants to kill anyways! 'Course, I won't bring out my X0-1 unless I find two legendary Deathclaws, nothing less~'
...Why do I feel responsible for this?
Looks like we both had a similar idea. I pulled the ol' bait and switch, while you went for cracking out the crackiest crackfic a crackpot author ever cracked.
Some favorite bits:
Ha!
At least the story didn't have Twilight bring David back to life with her tears or something stupid like that.
Aw, and I even got a cameo! Also, yeah, guess that does explain where you've been.
Great chapter, BB. Of course, the seemingly random insert of another author in here might cause some others to start asking questions. Hm hm hm...
7085362 ... What?
7085725
Architect Ironturtle is a reviewer for the group The Goodfic Bin. They do reviews on stories and if they're good enough, add them to their group. pony.exe was added about 6 months ago, and I've been checking in once in a while to see if they went ahead and approved it or not.
They did.
7085916 Oh! I hope it makes it then!
Good shit. Real good shit.
Though out this whole chapter I was like:
img-comment-fun.9cache.com/media/359d0760141687241871789432_700wa_0.gif
And then I saw the authors note.
Then I was like:
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Considering it's an April Fools joke, this is pretty good.
I had to skim it though, for some reason my computer is lagging.
7085984
Oh goodness. I never thought people would miss the author's note if it was the first thing in the chapter. :p
7086079 Blue blaze you basturd!! Been waiting months for a new chap for this shit and you do dis!?!?!? I got one thing to say to your ass: Well fucking played you fucking asshole. Also GIVE MEH A REAL CHAPTER!!!!!! I NEED THE READS FOR MY STORYITUS !!!!
Nice April fools
...
I'm suddenly reminded of a scene from Portal. Any chance is there a Stalemate Associate in the room?
When I see a new chapter on April Fools Day, I like to guess as to whether it will be a joke chapter or not (mostly based on its title and length). Yours was the only one I got wrong.
7087101
I was hoping the title of the chapter would be a hint to readers.
What even is this?
I am detecting some traces of RPG Nerd.
7087229
Considering there were other chapters that were not named after well known programs, I didn't take the short leap to see that this chapter's name was both fictional and silly rather than just fictional.
Though to be fair, my internal Emergency Recovery and Repair system is essentially a snapshot of my mind and tools from twelve years ago, so we can't in clear conscience laugh at you.
For reals though, Dev window! Waiting for it!
Keep going! ;)
7085673 oh hai!
Questions now being asked: potential collab in the works???????!
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQa0ZSA4p7IkAZjs6xaWiqD2-cGNMQWO4ks6YQ5fZlAw92ulo0q
Not sure if this is supposed to read "thinks of" or grandpa is shipping his grandson with David.
7086079 I somehow managed to miss the authors note too...
Was really confused until I read the comments saying it was an April fools joke.
Wow. Just. . . Wow. That was... umm, yeah. That was definitely something. I'm not sure what I was reading, but it was worth it.
Best title ever 10/10
I immediately knew it was a joke chapter even though my April Fools day guard is pretty much zilch right now.
haha, hey blaze did hat see this yet?
So, um, I suppose it's time to say something about this because I don't think Blue Blaze is going to.
That above dialogue? Yep, BB was alluding to a collaboration between the two of us. Specifically, a crossover between our two sci-fi hits: his pony.exe and my robot-themed story The Iron Horse: Everything's Better With Robots!. At the time this came out, it was close to being done. However, after this and the next chapter, he kinda disappeared. For pretty much the whole summer, I was patient, leaving messages, asking when we might top it off and announce it and yadda yadda, but nothing. I'm not mad about this so much as disappointed, but there is an upside: it's done and it's out right now.
I hate to spam, but since BB's clearly not going to post about it, I thought I'd let some of his readers know and hope they'll spread the word. The story was written by the both of us and it's likely the most pony.exe you'll get for at least a while. I sure hope BB comes back soon because he's a good guy and I love this story too.
So, without further ado, fellow readers, I present: BINARY: "Pony.exe" x "The Iron Horse". Enjoy!
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This makes SO MUCH SENSE!
Just so much. *shows a tiny gap between thumb and forefinger*
And it's really hard for a pony to do that.
"I'm Blue Blaze"
-Kreeper.exe launching-
Where would you like to go?
=history
-Opening history-
=filter
What would you like to filter by?
=Circuit_Breaker
-Sorting-
10:52.36~New chapter opened
10:53.05~Paragraph complete!
10:53:14~Paragraph complete!
=collapse
10:52.36~Chapter begun
10:53.05-10:59.06~Reading protocol proceeds as normal
10:59.34~Warning Cringe_Alert.exe has activated!
=expand
10:59.33~Kreeper.exe subprogam Read.exe variant FIMfic.exe has detected a suspect input
10:59.33~Checking input with subprogam Cringe_Alert.exe
10:59.34~Cringe_Alert.exe has detected dangerous software
10:59.34~Informing Firewall.exe
10:59.35~Killing with fire
10:59.35~Warning! Kreeper.exe has stopped working!
10:59.36~Warning! Kreeper.osx has crashed!
=Cringe_Alert.exe
Welcome!
=history
=p>24h
Last trigger in 24 hours: sentence: "I'm Blue Blaze"
=firewall.exe
=history
=p>24h
Last trigger in 24 hours: Cringe_Alert.exe
Warning: Firewall.exe has detected possibility of infection!
Subroutine activated: rip-and-skip
10:59.35~Chapter skip: Success!
10:59.35~Purging Kreeper.osx
And then I crashed. Thanks, Mr. Comet.
7481496 Yup, sounds about right!
Okay, you, sir, are getting a follow.
best ending ever
What the shit face!!!
Oh my gosh I can't believe I found this fanfiction and started it in time to read the April fool's chapter on April 1st just in 2022