Insert Original Name
It was a (and I can't believe I am saying this) normal day at Princess Twilight's castle. The soft breeze could be felt through the open windows of the castle library as a young unicorn stallion sat and read. What he was reading was a book (Duh) about bees and the structures they use to make hives. This young stallion was none other than the famous Apis Fera... You haven't heard of him!! Well let me catch you up to speed.
You see, Apis Fera used to be a human, but was transported to Equestria after an unfortunate death. He was a well-known Entomologist at a university, but that's another story. The ending to this one is that he died, Celestia gave him a pony body of his choice, and he now lives in Ponyville researching bees. Now back to the story, enough with the questions. GOT IT!
As I was saying, Apis Fera was studying one of the species he found in the Everfree forest. He was deep in work as Twilight came into the library looking at him writing down notes. She walked to him and looked over his shoulder at the dead bee next to a picture on the book.
"You need to get out more," she spoke with sincere concern frowning at the bee. "Don't you have better things to do than compare dead things in my library?" She asked with a raised eyebrow
"To be honest, no," he replied back, not even looking at her. "And I am not comparing dead things," he stated.
"Yeah, Ok," she said in disbelief as she resumed looking at the bee, picking it up with her magic. "What is this species?" She asked, hovering it closer to her eyes, looking at the stinger.
"Be careful with that!" He yelled, grabbing it with his magic and hovering it to its original place. "I don't know if that is poisonous or not." He resumed looking back at his notes
"Well, sorry for wanting to learn about what you study." She started giving a pout face but stopped when she saw he wasn't even looking at her
"I still can't believe YOU ponies never even thought about studying the insects around Everfree forest," he stated dryly, looking out the window into the Forest. "I think there is more in that forest than I have explored."
"What could possibly be in that forest that hasn't been explored yet?" She asked, dumbfounded at his persistence concerning more creatures in that forest. "Come on, you explored that forest to every single leaf you need to find-"
"NO!" He interrupted with an idea. "I haven't looked underground yet!" He exclaimed, jumping from the desk he was at. "Also, Twilight, this species of Bee is Apis Mellifera, otherwise known as the common honeybee. I am still amazed at how you never found some of these bees."
"Well, the ponies of Equestria don't like to be stung by anything," Twilight said with a blank expression.
"Whatever." He rolled his eyes looking out the window. "I am going out for a walk. I'll be back around 2:00 PM," he stated to her, heading for the library exit.
"See you later." Twilight waved him goodbye, resuming her gaze on the bee.
So you are probably wondering where did Apis go? He went to the Everfree forest to look for another bee hive in one of the trees. To his luck he found several different hives and was absolutely amazed at the architecture differences. He always pondered why social animals used different architecture instead of all using the same type. This one question stuck with him until he made his way back to the castle.
"I'm back," Apis yelled as he entered the castle
"Welcome back," Twilight said, walking up to him out of the dining hall
"We just had dinner," she explained. "We can talk while you eat," she said gesturing him to follow her.
"Ok," he said, following her to the dining room.
Once they got to the dining room he sat down and waited for Spike to bring him his dinner, which was Honey-Roasted Peanuts (yeah I said it). He started munching on the crunchy beans. "So, I thought about something new I could do to further my research," he said, chewing happily on the savory honey coated beans.
"Yeah, what did you have in mind?" Asked Twilight tilting her head wanting to know what this scientist could possibly do.
He started to explain the hives he found in the forest, and long story short, "I want to find a superb hive."
"Why would you want to do that?" Twilight said, shaking her head with a hoof on her face
"Well, I just want to see the grand architecture nature's finest can offer," he stated. "Plus think of the possibilities of buildings we could make if we could get a sample and synthesize it for massive constructing purposes."
"You do make a fine point there, but what do you need from me?" Twilight's hoof came down and a blank face showing.
"All I need from you is to make a machine to synthesize a sample, if I can get one," he started explaining his plan to Twilight. "Just think about it," he pleaded with the alicorn.
"Fine, but I get to have my name on the book if this works," she stated laying her hoof down.
"Deal. All I want to be known for is getting the sample," he said, finishing his honey-roasted peanuts. "I will start my search tomorrow morning."
Getting out of the chair, he headed for his bed chambers on the third floor of the castle where his collection of bees were. Opening the door he could smell his honey scented candle flickering in the moonlight, walking over to his desk he sat down and levitated a book over to him about beehives
Outside there was rustling in a tree next to Apis' window, as two shadowy figures flew out and look at each other in the eyes and nodded.
"We need to report this to the queen," a scratchy voice came from one of them. "He may be of assistance to help the queen with rebuilding The Hive"
"Agreed," said another voice as the two mysterious creatures flew to the Everfree forest.
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Thats look bad
Better would be like
"OCNAME is on quest to find "
Second Twilight is name then should be capitalized and after dot there should be capitalization too. Sorry but that description make me to just leave this fic not giving it chance
Reminds me of when I was a young and lonely little satan trying to make it in life.
Hail Satan.
5971354
I think I found your problem. Everyone reads the description. If the description doesn't sound interesting, nobody is going to bother reading the story. If you don't put the effort in to make that little bit of text eyecatching, it turns potential readers off. You don't need to say it's about your OC, either. There's an OC tag for a reason.
Also pretty important is the chapter titles. "Insert Original Name" is the kind of chapter title you'd see in a crackfic, trollfic or joke chapter in a more serious fic. Since there's no Comedy tag, I'm guessing it's neither of the first two, and since it's the very first chapter, it's probably not a joke chapter.
With that out of the way, let's give the fic a look and see what we've got.
Fic needs the Human tag. The "Human in Equestria after unfortunate death" trope is a turn-off for a lot of readers, btw. A lot of fics that go that route are about young characters with tortured pasts or hard lives, who go to Equestria as their big second chance, become instant friends with the Mane 6 and fall in love with one/all of them and/or the Princess/es. You didn't do that, which is good, but some people are gonna give you a dislike after that line.
That's all the backstory you're giving us? You skipped literally everything about him dying, coming to Equestria, meeting Celestia, getting used to his new body and adjusting to pony society. This would be fine if you were writing a comedy fic, not so much for an adventure. If it was a sequel, and you already had a fic where all that stuff was explained, you could get away with it as well. But at least it's straightforward and has zero angst, which is great for an HiE fic!
Is Apis being a former human really necessary, though? Why not just a normal pony, who came to Ponyville to study the bees that live in the Everfree? The point of having a human-turned-pony protagonist is the culture shock, and them getting used to a new society and world. We don't see any of that, though. From what little we do see, he's already completely used to everything. Him being from another world doesn't seem to have much impact on the story, the characters around him or his own actions.
The dialogue is okay so far. Not great, not terrible, just okay, We have no idea about Twilight and Apis' relationship, though. That's one of the things that got skipped over, but they seem to be really good friends. Y'know, with him not caring that she's a Princess or anything.
So... does Apis live at the castle? Work there? Will he turn into a pumpkin if he's not back by then?
And this is all we're told about his walk through the dangerous Everfree. Even just a line saying he followed the path to Zecora's place or stayed near the forest's edge would be nice. It's a big, wild, dangerous place; sure, there might be days that it's almost safe, but some more detail would be nice. Did he stop by Fluttershy's place? I'm sure she'd know if there were any beehives nearby, living near the Everfree as she does, or be able to ask her animals if they'd seen any.
These little asides to the reader don't really work in this fic. It also doesn't make much sense in this line. Is honey-roasted peanuts a joke? Should we be surprised by it? Shocked? I get it, he studies bees and is eating food with honey in it, but that's really worth drawing attention to?
Silly Twilight. Facehooves aren't what you do when someone who studies bees wants to to find an exceptional hive.
Why not just take a sample from any old beehive, then? Surely the only difference would be the size of the hive. It's not like a big hive is made out of some miraculous substance. They're all made in hollow trees and the like, right? And they're all built with wax? Even if what Apis wanted was an example of how larger hives are built, the actual structure wouldn't be that different to a normal hive. It's a minor issue, but I'd like to know what's so important about finding the hypothetical Mega Hive.
It's also worth noting that we've already seen pony beekeepers in the show. The Apples have bees, so why not study them, or see if there are wild hives in the Whitetail Woods, instead of going into the dangerous Everfree?
Because the Changelings, who apparently live in a hive that they built themselves, need a human-turned-pony to help them rebuild it instead of doing whatever they did to build it in the first place. And what were the two changelings doing outside his window to start with? More importantly, how did the changelings, who were in a tree outside, a tree that reaches the third floor of the castle, hear what was being said in the castle's dining room, on an entirely different floor? Were they eavesdropping at the dining room's window, then flew up to the tree to watch Apis in his room? Did nobody notice two ponies acting suspicious? Were they even disguised?
If they need someone who specialises in bees and hives to help them, why not just abduct a bee-keeper pony, instead of the Princess' friend who lives with her?
Also, Queen should be capitilised.
Overall, it's an alright first story. It needs some polish, mostly in the scene setting and character/world building, but there aren't many spelling/grammar/etc errors that I noticed. The plotholes are easy enough to ignore, except for the changelings wanting Apis to help rebuild their hive. That just doesn't make sense to me.
With a little bit of work, this could be really good, instead of just alright.:twilightsmile
6008313 Hopefully you'll keep writing. I'm sure whatever you come up with next will be better recieved.
6008325 Nobody starts off good.
It takes time, effort and learning from your mistakes to get any good. I learned that the hard way.
I hope you stick with it.