• Published 11th Apr 2015
  • 5,992 Views, 126 Comments

My Life as a Sword - TrombonePlayingPony



This is my story about dealing with the nut job ponies all in my quest to get their crap over with so I can just nap the days away. All while being a soul trapped in a sword. I don't know how that all fits together but then again I don't really care.

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The Blacksmith was a Dick

“So, are we ready to begin?” Twilight grinned from her seat next to Soul, who was laying on the couch with her arms behind her head.

“I guess. Sure you don’t wanna go over it a third time?” Soul’s voice was doused with sarcasm, which Twilight either failed to notice or ignored.

“Okay. I will be using a spell which will allow you to relive the memories you lost, causing much less pain on your end since instead of trying to recall them you’ll be making new ones. During this process, you’ll be completely immobile, which is why I had you lie down. I will also be viewing your memories as you live them, but you already said you were fine with me seeing them as long as I didn’t tell anyone anything about them without your permission.”

“Hey, I don’t know what’s in there. If I did some freaky shit in the past, I don’t want it getting out. Though I guess if I had done something like that, you would already know since you scanned my uterus.”

Twilight groaned. “I told you, that was part of the regular medical checkup!”

Soul shrugged. “Whatever you wanna tell yourself. Just remember: I don’t do ponies.” She grinned a bit as Twilight sighed. “Well, start it up already.” Twilight closed her eyes as her horn began to glow, the light forming a halo around Soul’s head. She found it difficult to hold her eyes open and before long she was out like a light.

* * *

I was once something called a human. They look similar to the form I take minus the sharp teeth and red eyes. Also, my hair was brown and I didn’t wear the same clothes but it was all the same for the most part. My world didn’t have any of the magic or other crazy stuff this one has. We had to build everything up on technology.

Anyway, without getting into how an entire world functioned, the day was pretty normal, at least for me. I was at a convention, a sort of get together for those who follow certain media. Not my usual idea of fun but my ‘friends’ decided I needed to get out of the house and forced me to be exposed to the horrible thing that is the sun. At least I managed to get away from them with the excuse that I wanted to check out the store booths. Would buy me at least twenty minutes of time to myself.

So I was just pushing my way through the crowds, not giving a fuck where I went when, for some reason, a stand on the far wall caught my eye. It was incredibly dull for a store booth, just plain black and lacking a sign. The guy selling the stuff was wearing a hoodie that hid his face, which didn’t help make the place seem any more home-y. What he had on display was pretty neat though. Stuff like weapons and trinkets from video games and tv shows made up most of it.

I couldn’t care for most of it though. What my eyes were on was a sword. Now, I had a few odd hobbies and one was I liked to collect weapons, fake and real. This one interested me because of the strange eye-like pattern painted into the hand guard. The more I looked it over, the more I decided “Hey, why not get it? At least this whole thing wouldn’t have been a total waste of time.” So I walk up to the guy running the stand and before he can even get a word out I just ask him “How much for that sword?”

The guy gave me a dry chuckle before picking up the sword in his hands. “This thing? How about… thirty dollars? Make it forty and I can add a bit of a personal touch to it just for you.” Things like that would often go for four times that price easily so I was a bit shocked, and in said shock I told him the one thing I’ve always regret.

“Sure. Forty dollars it is.”

The man chuckled again as I looked down to pull some bills from my pocket. Thing is, when I looked back up I wasn’t standing in front of a stand anymore. Hell, I wasn’t even standing in the convention center. I was in the middle of a set of glowing circles with lit candles dotting it. The man’s clothes had changed from a hoodie to hooded robes, still holding the sword in his hands. Beyond him, everything was darkness and before I could react to what was happening, a set of chains sprang from the ground, wrapping around my wrists before pulling me to my knees.

“What the hell?!” I sputtered, looking back up at the man with fear as he just grinned.

“Oh don’t worry. I’m just adding your… personal touch.” The circles began to glow brighter as I felt short of breath. The pain in my wrists died down, as did all feeling in my body as blackness edged my vision. I tried to scream, to spit at him, to do anything but with each passing moment it became harder. Finally, with what little feeling I had left, my head snapped back and I watched as a small orb of blue fire floated out of my throat before everything went dark.

When I woke up what I assume was moments later, I was floating in some black expanse, my body glowing blue. I turned to find a strange screen in front of me and I gasped at what I saw.

“Wha… what is this?” My body was there, limp and unmoving in the center of the circles. I watched as the man bent down, picking up a keychain that I kept on my belt. He seemed to look at it for a few moments before wrapping his fingers around it, a glow appearing before he opened his hand to reveal it was gone.

“There. That will do.” By this point I was already running my hands along the screen, trying to find a way out. He turned toward my body, that creepy grin always present. “Now let’s deal with this old thing.” With a wave of his hand, the floor opened up beneath my body and it dropped.

“No!” I screamed, slamming against the screen but finding it to be useless. “You bastard! What did you do to me?!” The man just grinned before walking over and… picking me up I guess? It felt like he was grabbing me, but not a part of a body I was familiar with. The screen turned about before coming to a halt in front of the man as he held the sword. It took me a moment to realize that I was looking in a mirror.

I gasped, floating back slightly within my black space. “N...no. You… you…” The man broke out into full laughter, walking away from the mirror as I heard him ponder.

“Hmm… where and when should I send this one? Always the most important decision. After all, you have to pick the opportune time for the most interesting outcome.” I managed to recover from my shock to begin slamming against the screen again.

“Let me out you fucking asshole!” I wailed and wailed with no effect as the man stroked his chin before snapping his fingers.

“Ah, I know.” Suddenly I heard air rushing in as if he had opened the window on the top floor of a skyscraper. Wind whistled as the man’s robes billowed, through it all his hood never moving from his head.

“Let me out! LET ME OUT!!!” I screamed, beating against the screen as the man held me out in front of him with both arms.

“Well this is goodbye. I am interested to see how you turn out. Ta ta~!” And with that I felt his grip on my new form disappear.

“NO!!!” I fell further than the floor had been, the black expanse turning to the color of the sky. The horizon stretched out in front of me, revealing me to be easily a thousand feet above a dense forest. The wind whistled around me as I sped up before with a solid *CHUNK*, I stuck fast in the root of a tree. I hardly noticed though as I was still desperately trying to escape.

“Come back!” I cried. “Get back here and let me out you motherfucker!” I must have been at it for hours, but eventually I tired out. I was still crying to myself though as I curled up in my strange space, my entire life having turned around in such a short time.

* * *

Soul opened her eyes as Twilight’s spell ended. She was just as indifferent as she had been before, but Twilight was sad enough for the both of them. “Soul… I’m so sorry you had to go through such a thing.”

“Don’t be.” She stated flatly. “I got over the whole thing years ago, and got used to it a little after that. Besides, being a sword has got its perks. No need to eat, drink, worry about age. Hell, the only thing I need is sleep and I get plenty of that.”

Twilight was a bit off put by how easily she was taking this. “Well… okay, but if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.”

“Twilight, I don’t need a therapist. I’m over it. By this point, I’ve been a sword easily one hundred times longer than I’ve been a human. Besides, I’m not doing this to get emotional help. I’m doing it because I need to find Sunny.”

“Don’t worry. I’m sure we can find her.” Twilight glanced at the clock on the wall before jumping up from her seat. “Oh no! That took longer than anticipated. I’m going to be late!” Before Soul could even ask what she was going on about, she ran out the room. Soul watched the door for a few seconds before shrugging and lying back down on the couch.

“Guess I’ll just nap for a bit,” she muttered as she snuggled herself deeper into the couch. Just as she was about to fall asleep, the sound of an air horn going off caused her to jump up, sword arm at the ready. All she found though was a pink pony with cotton candy for hair and a huge smile on her muzzle. “What the hell is your-”

“Hi!” Soul was cut off as the mare suddenly jumped in her face. “I’m Pinkie Pie! I’ve been wanting to meet you since you showed up in the castle yesterday, though I never actually saw you but my tail was twitching so I knew that someone was new so I searched around for a looooooooong time but didn’t find anything. Then today, I was walking by Twilight’s and my twitchy tail came back so I gasped super loud and ran inside to meet you!” It was silence after Pinkie’s rapid fire statement as Soul just looked at Pinkie in confusion while she returned it with a big smile.

“Well,” Soul finally spoke up “You met me. You can go now.” She turned back toward the couch only to find Pinkie standing there.

“But I’ve got to give you a party! Everyone new to Ponyville gets one, even if you aren’t a pony.”

“Holy shit, this girl is more peppy than Sunny,” Soul muttered before speaking up. “Look. Twilight, I assume you know her?” Pinkie nodded. “Figures. She doesn’t want any ponies seeing me and I think I should listen to her.” In all honesty, she could care less about ponies seeing her, but she definitely did not want a party so it was a good excuse.

Pinkie deflated a bit. “But I’ve never not given someone a party. Everyone needs to have a good time when they come to Ponyville! Eve-ry-one!”

Soul shrugged. “Ah well. Guess you’ll just have to do something else.”

Pinkie put a hoof to her chin for a moment before jumping up. "Oh! I know! I'll just postpone your party until Twilight says it's okay and until then we can do other fun stuff to make up for it. We can play board games, make a house of cards, have a sleepover..."

Soul rolled her eyes as Pinkie continued the list with no end in sight. 'She just won't take a hint, will she?'

"... bake cookies, learn yoyo tricks, do pranks-"

"Pranks?" Soul rose an eyebrow. “You do pranks?”

“Yeah! They’re super fun! We could rearrange Twilight’s books, or put invisible ink in her ink pots, or- oh! Oh! I know! We could-”

“Prank someone other than Twilight?” Soul grinned.

Pinkie scratched her head in confusion. “But you said you couldn’t be seen by anypony?”

“Oh don’t worry. I have a few tricks up my sleeve. First things first though. Do you know a pegasus with rainbow hair?”

“That’s Rainbow Dash! She’s super fast and likes to fly around a lot.”

“Yeah, that sounds like her,” Soul dryly chuckled before giving a toothed grin. “How about we prank her?”

“Okay!” Pinkie bounced up. “Did you have a prank in mind?”

“Well…”

* * *

Rainbow was over at Rarity’s, helping her organize her fabrics with her supersonic speed when she heard the bell hanging above the shop’s front door ring.

“Welcome to Carousel Boutique!” She heard Rarity chime in the next room. “I don’t believe we’ve met before.” This piqued Rainbow’s interest, halting her progress on what she was doing so that she could peek out the door into the foyer. Standing at the door in front of Rarity was an earth pony mare with a dull red coat, along with a long white mane that covered half her face. Her cutie mark was one of the stranger ones Rainbow had seen, a red, hexagonal eye-like shape in a red much darker than the rest of her coat. She was also wearing a set of simple saddle bags.

“Oh no, we haven’t met.” The mare spoke in a polite tone. “I’m new in town.”

“Well it’s a pleasure to meet you! Now, how can I help you today?”

“Oh, I was just looking for something simple to wear to a party I was going to.”

“I see. Well let me go grab my notepad and pencil and we can get to work designing a dress for you, hm?” The mare nodded before Rarity walked off. Once gone, Rainbow walked up behind the mare, who had begun looking over a few of the things hanging on the walls.

“So, you new in town huh?”

“Hm? Oh, yes. I actually-” The mare turned to see Rainbow and stopped. “E-excuse me, but are you Rainbow Dash?”

“Uh… ya? Why?” Rainbow said confused.

“Why, I’m a huge fan of yours!” The mare grinned. “I have been watching your stunt career since the Best Young Flyers Competition. Your sonic rainboom was amazing!”

Rainbow’s ego was quick to soak in the attention as she smirked. “Yeah, that was pretty awesome.”

“Say, would you mind if…” The mare shook her head. “No, no, that’s stupid of me to ask.”

“What is it?”

“Well… if you wouldn’t mind…” The mare reached around and pulled a camera out of her saddlebags. “Could I get a picture with you?”

“Of course! Anything for a fan.” Rainbow cockily said as the mare smiled ear to ear. She began fiddling with the camera a bit before frowning.

“Hmm… the light in here isn’t very good. Could we perhaps step outside for a moment?”

“Works for me. I’ve been cooped up in here for a while now.” The mare headed outside, Rainbow following. However, as soon as Rainbow stepped through the door, she was immediately coated in white goop. By the time she had wiped it from her eyes, feathers were falling all around her, sticking to the gunk that covered her head to tail. “What the?!” She looked up to see a snickering Pinkie Pie doing her best to hold back her laughter. When she saw she was caught though, she let it out, falling off the door frame and rolling on the ground along with the mare.

“What’s going on here?!” Rainbow said, confused beyond belief. The mare seemed to ignore her though as she got up and looked at Pinkie, wiping a tear from her eye. Her voice seemed to change from the simple, polite tone it had been to an overconfident, brash tone that sounded familiar.

“Man Pinkie, that worked way better than I expected it to.” Said pink pony managed to stop laughing just long enough to respond.

“Ya! Great prank idea Soul!”

“Sweet Celestia!” Rarity ran up from behind Rainbow, looking over her with worry and a bit of disgust. “Rainbow! You’re filthy!”

“It wasn’t my fault! Pinkie and this mare pranked me! Speaking of, I can get Pinkie pranking me, but why did you?” She pointed at Soul who flashed back a cocky grin full of sharp teeth a pony should not have.

“What? Don’t recognize the girl you knocked off a balcony?” It took a few moments for Rainbow and Rarity to piece together who the mare was before their jaws dropped in unison.

“B-b-but you’re-”

“A pony? Yeah.” Soul glanced over her form for a moment. “You get as old as I am and you learn a few things.” Rainbow and Rarity both seemed to be having issues putting this together in their head, giving Soul plenty of time to get Pinkie together.

“Come on Pink! I’ve got an idea for another prank.” She walked off, a still giggling Pinkie following after her.

“Right behind ya!” The two pranksters left just as a group of three little fillies walked by. Sweetie Belle saw Rainbow and laughed while Scootaloo just gawked at the sight. Applebloom, with a smirk, turned to Scootaloo.

“You know, this just might explain why you’re such a chicken.” This sent her and Sweetie Belle into a fit of laughter as Scootaloo stood there, half confused, half annoyed.

* * *

Applejack had not slept well the previous night. Sure, she was positive that what Twilight had said about the poor girl she had sent flying was true. That the girl was fine and just needed some rest. But that didn’t help Applejack’s nerves. Inside she was beating herself over the entire thing, about how thick headed and quick to judge she had been.

“Hey sis, you alright?” Applejack looked from her work to see Big Mac standing there, a concerned look on his face. She shook her head before giving him a small smile.

“I’m fine. Just finishing up this work is all.”

“Uh… AJ? That tree’s empty.” Applejack looked up at the tree she had been bucking to see what he said was true. With a sigh, the farm mare looked around to find all the trees around her were empty.

“Well I guess I’m a mite distracted, what with everything that happened yesterday.” Before Big Mac could reply though, a bouncing Pinkie Pie came between the two.

“Hey Applejack! I need some help fixing the party cannon! Can you help me pleeeeeeeeeeease?” Pinkie gave Applejack big, pleading eyes which she was quick to give in to with a sigh and a small smile.

“Alright Pinkie. What’s going on with yer party do’hicker?”

Pinkie grinned ear to ear before bouncing up and back down the path she had come. “Come on! I’ll show you.” Applejack followed after her till they came to a small clearing with the party cannon sitting in the center.

“I just need you to climb inside and see if there’s any loose wires.” Now, a well rested Applejack would have questioned why Pinkie didn’t just climb in herself. She might have even questioned why Pinkie took up a position on the opposite side of the cannon. But with how tired she was Applejack just shrugged, sticking the front half of her body into the cannon.

“I don’t see anything!” Applejack’s voice echoed in the barrel of the cannon. The only response she got though was for the cannon to suddenly tilt back, pulling Applejack inside. “What in tarn-”

“Fire in the hole!” Pinkie cheered from outside before Applejack was shot into the air, tossing and turning as she yelled before landing in a vat of something with a loud squish. She paddled to the surface before glancing around, the taste in her mouth telling her she had landed in...

“Applesauce?” She turned as she heard someone laughing to find a strange mare with dull red coat and white mane. Before she could even ask what was going on, the mare fell back from her spot on the edge of the vat, landing on the ground with a thud. In a flash of light, the mare was suddenly replaced with the girl from the Everfree Castle.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” She groaned, moving off her head and into a seated position. “I never did get that form completely figured out.”

“Wait, you?!” Applejack gaped as she pulled herself out of the tub of applesauce, it sticking to her coat and mane in globs. “You did this?!”

“Yep.” Soul grinned. “Call it a bit of revenge for-”

“Ah’m sorry!” Applejack jumped forward, suddenly in Soul’s face. “Ah wasn’t thinkin’ right and you got hurt ‘cuz of it! Ah didn’t sleep a wink last night ‘cuz of all my worryin’.” Soul was completely put off by what was happening, leaning back both in surprise and so that none of the applesauce sticking to Applejack’s coat would get on her.

“Uh… I…”

“Soul!” The two of them looked to see a rather pissed off purple pony princess heading in their direction. “What did I tell you about going out?! You’re gonna scare all of Ponyville!”

Soul rolled her eyes. “Whatever. No one saw me anyway.”

“Oh sure.” Twilight said sarcastically. “No one noticed a bipedal girl with razor sharp teeth and red eyes. That makes complete sense.”

“It’s true!” Pinkie bounced up, taking a moment to giggle at Applejack. “Soul can turn into a pony, so she didn’t get spot one bit.” As soon as Twilight heard this, a small twitch began to happen in her right eye.

“You could change shape and didn’t say anything?! Why?! I would have let you walk around on your own!”

“Because keeping my pony form, unlike this one, takes actual effort, something that I don’t care to give just to make sure the townsfolk don’t wet themselves. The only reason I did turn into that form was so that no one would recognize me before we pulled the pranks.”

Twilight groaned before her horn lit up, a bit of magic tugging on the back of Soul’s jacket. “Well you better be ready to change again, cause I spent all day running around looking for you and now I’m too tired to teleport us reliably.”

Soul huffed. “Nah, I got my pranks done and my revenge for what happened. I couldn’t give a shit about hiding now.” She leaned back onto the grass with a yawn, only raising the purple princess’ blood pressure higher. Before she could yell some more however, Applejack cut in.

“She can stay here for the night Twi. My family won’t pay no mind to her.” Both Soul and Twilight gave Applejack a surprised look, Pinkie just jumping in the air and shouting “Slumber Party!”

“You sure Applejack?” Twilight questioned. “We don’t know how Granny Smith or Applebloom or even Big Mac might react to seeing her.”

“React ta what?” Right on cue, the tall stallion himself stepped out from between the apple trees. “I heard AJ screamin’ ‘bout somethin and-” He stopped the moment he saw Soul, laid back on the grass.

“Hey.” She simply said. Big Mac seemed to look over her for something before nodding.

“Good day miss.” Twilight wasn’t sure how to take how calm he was acting but resolved to just roll with it.

“Alright, fine. She can stay here. I’m tutoring the crusaders tomorrow, so I’ll come by the day after to get her.” She shot a glare at Soul. “Don’t make a mess, well,” she glanced at the applesauce drenched Applejack. “More of a mess than you already have. We can continue your memory therapy than.” With that, Twilight flew off, leaving Soul yawning on the ground.

“Yeesh. She’s really got a stick up her ass.” Applejack just shook her head at Soul’s comment before heading toward the barn, no doubt to clean the gunk from her fur.

Author's Note:

Well this took a bit but here it is. Hopefully this means I'm starting to work out of my writer's block.

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