Fools and Drunks

by Jordan179

Chapter 23: Enter a Healer

Snips noticed Snails' limp.

"You're hurt," Snips said.

"Just a little," replied Snails, gasping a bit. "I can manage."

"Put me down," said Snips.

"Can you keep up?"

"Doesn't matter. I'm doomed."

This statement really alarmed Snails.

"What do you mean?" he asked, letting Snips to the ground and quickly inspecting his friend. All he could see was the bite on Snips' rump. While it was a nasty one -- the smaller thrall had managed to get her teeth through both Snips' hair and the hide beneath, inflicting a bleeding laceration -- it in no way looked likely to kill the stocky blue stallion.

"She bit me, Snailsy," said Snips, looking at his own rump.

"I know," said Snails.

"She bit me," repeated Snails.

"Yes, and -- ?"

"She bit me," said Snips, for the third time. "She's like one of those things in that comic book. You know."

Suddely, Snails did know. He gasped in horror. "No --"

"Yes," replied Snips sadly, ears drooping. "She's a Trotter. One of the Trotting Dead."

"And she bit you." Snails came to the full, awful realization. "Oh, no," he said again.

"I'm gonna die," said Snips. "I'm gonna die, and turn into a Trotter, and try to bite my friends." He looked earnestly into the eyes of his friend. "Ya gotta promise me something, Snailsy."

"Anything!" cried Glittershell, moved by multiple and deep passions. Her eyes brimmed with tears.

"When I die," said Snips, "ya gotta put me down. Right to the head! That's the only way to do it!"

"But ..." objected Glittershell, horrified. 'I can't hurt you ... I lo ... we're best friends!"

"That's why ya've gotta do it," Snips explained. "I don't wanna turn into a Trotter. I'd rather die first! So, someone has to put me down ... and who better than my best pal?" He reached around, grasped Glittershell, pulled her face close. "Ya gotta do it for me. I wouldn't want anypony else to do me!"

Glittershell burst into tears. "Same here, Snips!" she cried. "Same here!" She acutely felt the unfairness of it all. To have her first kiss with Snips, her best friend in all the world, and within but one day to lose him to the poison from a Trotter's bite!

Wait. The poison from a Trotter's bite --

Glittershell had an Idea.

"Snips," she said slowly. "I think I know how to save you."

"How?!!" cried Snips, sudden hope filling his eyes.

"Remember the Daring Do where Short Fuse got bit by that snake?"

"Yes!" said Snips. "It bit him right on the foreleg. And Short Fuse mighta died!"

"But Daring Do took her machete and --"

"Yeah!" said Snips. "Ya gotta do the same thing!"

"Yep!" Glittershell nodded enthusiastically.

"But Snails ..." pointed out Snips, suddenly uncertain. "The Trotter didn't bite me on the foreleg ..."

"I know," replied Glittershell. "But I still have to save you. You ... you're my best friend ever. There's things I'd only do for a guy I really liked ..." She blushed, and looked at her forehooves.

"I know," said Snips, gently patting Glittershell on the shoulder. "What we have is special. You're a true pal."

Glittershell flushed even more fiercely.

'Well," said Snips, "we'd better get right to it!"

"Eh?" asked Glittershell, coming out of a brief but very intense daydream.

"You'll have to use this on me," explained Snips, pulling a pair of scissors out of his bags.

Glittershell stared at them and cringed in horror, briefly confusing reality with one of her recurring daydreams, the ones she had explored ever since she and Sweetie Belle had found those steamy romance novels. Then, she realized what Snips meant by it.

"Oh!" she said. "You want me to cut a cross into your hide and suck the blood out of the bite!"

"Yeah," said Snails. "What else would I mean?"

"Heh. Just a bit scared to cut you."

"Don't worry," said Snips, firming his jaw. "I am tough. I won't flinch. Cut away!"

Glittershell gripped the scissors uncertainly with her telekinesis, and applied the point.

Snips was as good as his word. He did not flinch. He clenched his teeth, whimpered, and even sobbed at one point, but he kept his rump steady while Glittershell gingerly mutiliated it.

Glittershell was impressed. She was pretty sure that she couldn't have stood still for any such treatment. It was very stallionly of Snips, and made her admire him all the more.

Finally, she had cut the necessary cross. This was really big, because a Pony's mouth is a lot larger than a snake's, and has a lot more teeth. By the time she was finished, blood was flowing freely from Snips' rump.

She opened her mouth. A last thought struck her.

"When I suck it out," she asked, "should I swallow it? Or spit it out?"

Snips thought a moment. "Well, it's poison. So I'd say you should spit."

"Spit, don't swallow," repeated Glittershell. "Thank you, Snips."

"Don't mention it," grunted Snips.

Then, Glittershell applied her mouth to the wound and started sucking.

Ponies are just barely omnivorous; they are certainly no carnivores. This was the first time that Glittershell had ever tasted any substantial quantity of blood. Oh, there'd been a couple of times -- more than a couple of times, actually -- that she'd bumped her snoot hard enough to draw blood, either from her nose or her mouth. But this was different.

To begin with, this was a lot of blood -- enough that it coated the whole inside of her mouth. She saw and smelled it each time she lowered her lips to the wound; then felt a rush of warm metallic blood into her mouth. It was kind of gross at first, but then she began to find something exciting about taking it into her mouth. Because it wasn't her own blood. It was Snips' blood. She'd never sucked anypony else's blood before.

Was this another kind of first kiss?

Glittershell had never read it, because it was a big book with a lot of long words, but Sweetie Pie had told her about this book about vamponies, set in Neigh Orleans. In that book, the vamponies had been beautiful but dangerous, and when they drank blood it was kind of like kissing, or even making love.

This was kind of like kissing Snips. Maybe even like making love -- she was putting her mouth somewhere a mare usually wouldn't in casual kissing, after all. She felt all warm and weak at the kness at the thought of making love to a stallion. A moment later, she felt her most masculine part hardening and unsheathing in mindless response to her excitement.

Stupid thing! she thought. Why must you do that when I think about a stallion? Yesterday it had embarrassed her in front of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, including Sweetie Belle. Once, she had unsheathed right in front of Big Mac, just because he was talking to her and she was looking into those beautiful deep-green eyes. and she imagined kissing him, and ... Oh no, this isn't helping! Anyway, Big Mac had been nice enough about it, because he was Big Mac -- but he'd noticed. She was almost sure he'd noticed.

If I was a filly on the outside, too, with proper filly bits, this would never happen, she thought. I hate when this happens It just reminds me that I'm all wrong, that I don't match.

She sighed softly. Ah, well. At least Snips can't see anything, the way we're standing. And there's nopony else to --

"Hail, friends! I have won free from Roneo and his thralls, and found unexpected -- What in the good sweet name of Light and Life are ye doing?

Een as Glittershell pulled her head up from Snips' rump and spit out the last mouthful of blood, she knew whom she would see. And she was mostly right.

It was Ruby Gift.

And it was even more embarrassing than that.

Ruby had another mare with her.

Glittershell felt sure that she had seen this mare before, but she was not exactly sure just where.

The mare was maybe a bit taller than most, rangy and strong, with a light green coat and darker green mane. Her flank was entirely bare of any Mark, despite the fact that she was a mare full-grown, perhaps approaching middle age. Bright blue eyes sparkled as they gazed at Glittershell; as he watched, a rather mischievous smile was replaced by an expression of cool courtesy.

She might have imagined the new mare to be alive, could she not faintly see the ground and the mist through her figure.

"Oh!" said Glittershell. "Hi, Ruby! It's good to see you!" Then she remembered that Ruby had asked her a question, and that it was rude not to answer a friend's questions. "Um, I was sucking Snips' rump."

"Indeed -- I did notice," said Ruby, rather tartly. "But why? I know thou full well likest Snips, but now is not a good time for such dalliance. And all that blood? Wert thou biting him? Why?"

Glittershell was utterly at a loss for words.

"Ahem," said the green ghost mare. Her voice was a calm contralto. "Wert thou attepting to suck out poison from the wound of thy friend?"

Glittershell nodded in relief, grateful that she got it.

"A worthy attempt," said the green mare, "but thou wert doing it wrong." She walked over to Snips, bent her head to examine his wound. "What bit thee?" she asked Snips.

"A -- a Trotter!" he gasped.

"A what?" asked the green mare.

"We were attacked when we ran from Roneo," Glittershell explained. "Two of those thrall things. One a really big stallion and the other a small mare who walked funny. The small mare bit Snips."

"Backbreaker and Sandwren," commented Ruby. "It must have been Sandwren who bit Snips."

"Yeah!" said Snips. "Right on the rump!"

"I do ken," said the green mare. "The bite be plain. But why," she asked, dost thou think Sandwren's bite bears poison?"

"I know how it works,"said Snips darkly. "When a Trotter bites you, ya get sick and die. Then ya rise again, as a new Trotter!"

The green mare's brow wrinkled in puzzlement. "I know of no ill that works in such wise," she said. "Some are a bit like unto it. Rabies? Vamponyism? Wayer's Curse?"

"That comic book, Ruby said flatly. "The Trotting Dead."

Glittershell blinked in astonishment. "You know about --?"

"Aye, dear friend," Ruby said. "I read. Many sorts of things. Thou wouldst be amazed at what some Ponies will throw out." She smiled at Glittershell. "The thralls are not like the Trotters," she explained. "Their bite does not carry their curse." She looked at Snips. "Thou shalt not die and rise a thrall."

Snips let out a great sigh of relief.

"For that to happen, said the green mare, "thou wouldst need to be slain by a Wraith, by having thy life force raped from thee."

Snips paled, and Glittershell trembled at the thought.

"Thou forgettest --" scolded Ruby.

"Oh! Right!" the green mare said to Ruby. She turned back to Snips and Glittershell. "Prithee pardon,"she said. "The words have changed. I meant only 'ripped' or 'stolen,' not --"

"That's all right," said Glittershell.

"I get it," said Snips, looking relieved.

"So I would not worry about turning into a thrall," the green mare continued. "Provided we get ye to safety. And -- Snips, is it?"

Snips nodded.

"Get thee to Ponyville General Hospital, Emergency Room, as soon as thou dost win clear of here. Sandwren's bite is not poisonous, but thou might get some sickness from her. Lockjaw, or greenrot. Thou dost not know where her teeth may have been!"

"I would attend well to her words on matters medical," advised Ruby. "Snailsquirm Glisten Carrot, Snipsy Snap Fields," she said, "this is mine own co-mother, Three Leaf." She looked at the green mare very intently. "Herbalist, life-weaver and healer, of great learning and wisdom."

As Ruby spoke these words, Three Leaf straightened, and it seemed as if there was a brighter light about her.

"I had almost forgot," the green mare said softly. "Yes. I am Three Leaf. The healer. Thou'rt right. Thank you, Ruby, for reminding me."

"Thou wert kenning that already, on thine own," replied Ruby. "'Tis why thou hast no longer any thralls."

"Naytheless, thou didst aid me, Ruby. I -- am grateful," Three Leaf said. Then, turning to Snips. "And thankee, Master Fields, for providing me a living Pony to aid. The diagnosis of thy wounded buttock has waked me from the death-dream, at least for a while."

"You're welcome!" said Snips, awed at the thought. "Wow! It's like I have a magic butt!"

"I think it's a very nice one," said Glittershell, sincerely.

Snips laughed. Then he sobered. "Though if you really meant it, that would be kinda weird."

"Yeah," said Glittershell, turning away sadly, ears drooping. "Kinda weird." Her first kiss with Snips would be her last one with him, even if they both made it out of here alive. If either of those kisses counted. That was just the way things had to be, for them.

---

Their way took them east, to the hill opposite Ruby's, that with Ruby's made up the valley they had previously traversed. This was necessary, because their pursuers were closing in on them from all sides.

"Mine own son, Gladstone, does command the Skeletal Guard to the west," Three Leaf explained. "He has numbers, more than he had last night. Ruby, I do not think thou canst turn them all, most especial not after the fighting thou hast done so far. Either he, or some of his minions, would get Snips and Snails. Gladstone might slay them on the spot, Feast or no Feast."

Ruby nodded. "That is my thought as well." She looked to their left. "I sent Roneo's work crew back in confusion, but they will reorganize and push south again. We must be out of this valley before that happens." She looked to her right. "What of the village itself?"

"Closed to thee and thine," Three Leaf answered. "Grey Hoof himself is there with the most of his Watch, as I know well for mine own main self is there with him."

"Main self?" asked Snips.

"Yes," explained Three Leaf. "That which you see here with you is but a projection through the life of this valley. My main Aspect is resting right by Grey Hoof, and I will soon be back there."

"He knows what you do?" asked Ruby.

"I told him I would scout," said Three Leaf. "And so I do! However, I did not tell him for which party I scouted. Just as last night I told him I would patrol the route to thy hill, which I did, though I did not tell him when I saw thee and thy friends making for that height." She smiled. "Alas! I fear I have but indifferent claim to the virtue of Honesty!"

Ruby laughed merrily. "Thou dost what thou dost for a better reason," she said. "Thou dost not wish further sins to be laid to the account of Grey Hoof, or Gladstone."

"Indeed," replied Three Leaf. "Or any of us, in truth." She sighed. "I am so tired of being a monster."

"Ahead of us," Ruby asked. "Would it be more of Roneo's party, or Starlet and her thralls?"

"The Girl Posse," answered Three Leaf, looking up to the wooded heights. The light shone brighter up the hill. "They would be on the far side of the rise, for cause that the Sun is too bright even in the lower ways by which go the trails."

Ruby nodded. "I can bear it, but I think not Starlet, and she will keep her Posse by her so that she may match mine own power. And they cannot bear it at all."

"They cannot bar all the ways," said Three Leaf, "but Roneo may aid them to the north, and remember that they move fast, even the thralls."

"Aye," said Ruby. "What shalt thou do?"

"I must return to Grey Hoof, ere he suspect my aims," said Three Leaf. "I will tell him I could not find ye." She started to fade a bit, then firmed and looked back at them. "Fare thee well, Ruby. And ye, Snips and Snails. I pray that by nightfall ye are both back in Ponyville, soundly snoring away in thine own proper beds!"

"Thank you, Doctor Three Leaf," said Snails. He wasn't sure if she really was a doctor, but he had been taught that this was the polite way to address all medical Ponies, unless one was sure that they were nurses. In any case, she seemed to know what she was doing.

"And thanks for looking at my rump!" added Snips.

Three Leaf smiled at the short stallion. "Seldom has a rump aided me so well," she said. "Take good care of it from now on!" And with an almost girlish giggle, she faded into nothingness.

"She will work to win us what time she can," replied Ruby. "Now come -- we must use that time well."

"What do we do now?" asked Snails.

"Try to slip past my sister," said Ruby. "Fast and silent. This way seems good -- I think we have a real chance."

Snips and Snails nodded at the ghost girl.

She led them up the hillside, toward whatever might await them on the other side.

Author's Note:

I assume that The Trotting Dead is a zombie comic analogous to The Walking Dead in our world. Television in my Equestria around the YOH 1505 is purely experimental so far; commercial broadcast TV does not yet exist. As we see here, the Sunney Towne thralls do not work like the Trotters from the comic book -- among other things, they can't infect those they bite with undeath, and they are a lot smarter and hence in an important way more dangerous.

The title was of course inspired by a fanfic and some art, but the contents are closer to The Walking Dead from our world.

---

Various forms of vampirism exist in the SWSV, which is after all about an attempt at vampirism on the cosmic scale (one universe parasitizing another). In a way the Wraiths themselves are vampires -- Life Force vampires.

Wayer's Curse comes from the stories of Sketcha-Holic, which have some great characterization and character background, and which I urge everyone to read. It's a magical form of lycanthropy (lycequiny?).

---

Snails has strained some of his muscles and hurt his hooves slightly in the previous fighting; he also suffered a nasty bruise from Backbreaker's half-evaded strike. Snips has a nasty though not immediately-dangerous laceration from Sandwren's bite. Three Leaf can't really do much for either of them: were she alive and physically present, she might have bound Snips' wound, but actually letting it bleed out a bit might be better for it right now, if that bite bore any infection.

Both of them really need first aid followed by food and bed rest. Of course, their future good health depends even more on getting the heck out of Sunney Towne.

---

Snails has come in at the end of a long conversation between Ruby and Three Leaf, inded one which has been going on for centuries. Snails does not fully understand what is going on here.

---

Snips doesn't really have a magic butt.

Comments

[The Wind King]

"What do you mean?" he asked, letting Snips to the ground and quickly inspecting his friend. All he could see was the bite on Snips' rump. While it was a nasty one -- the smaller thrall had managed to get her teeth through both Snips' hair and the hide beneath, inflicting a bleeding laceration -- it in no way lookd likely to kill the stocky blue stllion.

1) - looked (missing the "e" here)

She might have imagined the new mare to be allive, could she not faintly see the ground and the mist through her figure.

2) - alive (Too many "l"s, all making toast)

"Oh!" said Glittershell. "Hi, Ruby! It's good to see you!" Then she remembered that Ruby ha asked her a question, and that it was rude not to answer a friend's questions. "Um, Iwas sucking Snips' rump."

3) - I_was (missing a space here)

"Naytheless, thou didst aid me, Ruby. I -- am grateful," Three Leaf said. Then, turning to Snips. "And thankee, Master Fields, for providing me a living Pony to aid. The dianosis of thy wounded buttock has borken me free of my death-dream, at least for a while."

4) - diagnosis (missing a "g" here)
5) - broken (you've got the "r" and the "o" the wrong way round here)

Their way took them east, to the hill opposite Ruby's, that with Ruby's made up the valley they had previously traversed. this was necessary, because their pursuers were closing in on them from all sides.

6) - ...traversed. This (It's the beginning of a new sentence, you need to capitalize on this)

"Indeed," replied Three Leaf. "Or any of us, in truth." She sighed. "I am so tired of being a m

onster."

7) - there's a weird formatting break here, where it looks like you've pressed enter/return halfway through typing "monster", but that needs fixed.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Thoughts on this.

Raises eyebrow at magic butt.

Despairs at the average unicorn education on how Zombies work. Come on, any fool unicorn could accidently delve into Necromancy if they started surging by a loved one's grave, this should be part of the national curriculum.

Now, what you need to do is sew their lips together, or draw a circle around them them.

[Jordan179]

7953071

To defend the Equestrian educational system, the Wraiths and their thralls are unusual creatures, and Snips and Snails are not the Realm's brightest Unicorns.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Well, no more magical than any other pony butt. The cutie mark's right there, after all.

You were clearly having fun with the subtext in this chapter. Some of it rose to the level of supertext.

On a more serious note, it is good to see Three Leaf making progress. It shows that such progress is possible, even for one so close to the grim act that set everything off. As for the Girl Posse, I'm getting a blend of curiosity and dread there. I look forward to seeing what you've come up with, but I know it won't be pleasant.

[The Great Derpsby]

Oh, Glitter. She's not going to come out of this well. Even if her physical injuries are minor.

Also, overall, this chapter was hilarious.

[Cold in Gardez]

Enter a Soldier. Later: Enter Another?

[Jordan179]

7955354

What I loved about that story is that it showed what an incredible Badass was Socrates.

The chapter title is of course symbolic, because Three Leaf remembers that she is fundamentally a healer rather than a monster.

[Jordan179]

7954360

It's hard for a Unicorn to do telekinesis directly against the body of another being, because that being's spirit resists the telekinetic manipulation. Snips and Snails aren't terribly powerful telekinetics. However ...

... there are things they could do with their telekinesis, in terms of using their telekinesis to manipulate other objects, including one that I've already mentioned that they have. They just didn't think of them at the time. They're also not very smart.

[TitaniumTao]

OK that went to a weird place, but these two fools are in a worse position. Even if the alcohol has mostly passed though their systems, neither or in condition to run, and with Starlet near by, they need all the speed they can get. And yeah I did laugh when Ruby showed up.

[howard035]

Technically, doesn't every pony with a cutie mark have a magic butt?

[Ardashir]

"That's why ya've gotta do it," Snips explained. "I don't wanna turn into a Trotter. I'd rather die first!

Uh, that's usually how it works, Snips. Good chapter here, you're handling the comedy aspect of the Two Knuckleheads' escape from the wraiths quite well.