Fools and Drunks

by Jordan179

Chapter 4: Into the Everfree

They were a good two miles north of White Hollow -- not that long a gallop for two healthy young stallions in the days before motorcars -- when Snips finally slowed to a trot, and then a walk. Snails gratefully slowed down to walk beside his friend. Both stallions were sweating, though neither was actually blown.

"Gee," said Snails, "That was a nice run." He pulled out a bottle of water and took a swig, then passed it over to his friend.

Snips gulped the water down greedily, then said "That's a relief!" He looked behind them. "I think we're safe now."

"Safe from what?" Snails asked.

"The Lightnings," came Snips' answer. "They're a den of dangerous criminals. Whitey let that slip himself." He thrust his chin out pugnaciously. "He tried to scare me, but as I said, I don't scare so easy!" Snips looked at Snails. "I think they wanted to kidnap you and give you to that crazy white weasel filly -- she tried to scare me too, but I wasn't having none of that! I got us out of there just in time. Probably saved us both!"

"Snips," said Snails. "I do not think that the Lightnings meant us any harm. They treated us nice."

Snips regarded him skeptically.

"Well," amended Snails, "they were very nice to me." He thought for a moment. "And in fact they did not harm you."

Snips stared at Snails. "Oh, Snails," he said sadly. "My friend. My poor, innocent friend. You're so lucky that you have me to protect you against the dangers and snares of the world." He looked down the road ahead. "Now we'd better hurry."

"Why's that?" asked Snails.

"Cause we're gonna have to hurry to get back to the main road, circle around Ponyville, and head toward a special place I know in the Everfree where we can have our own little private party and properly celebrate your sixteenth birthday!"

"But ... Snips ...?" asked Snails tentatively.

"What's the matter now?" demanded Snips, as he once again picked up the pace, speeding up to a trot.

"Whitey warned us not to go get drunk in the Everfree," pointed out Snails. "It was one of the things he specially emph-a-sized when he was saying goodbye."

Snips stopped in his tracks, turned, and gave Snails a very wounded look. "Who are you going to believe," Snips asked. "A self-admitted criminal gang leader, or your own best friend in all the world?"

"Well gee," said Snails, feeling a sudden rush of guilt about his disloyalty to his friend. "When you put it that way --"

"Of course you believe your best friend," said Snips confidently. "Have I ever steered you wrong?"

"Well, actually ..." Snails could remember a few times that Snips had come up with less than perfect plans. Though, to be fair, Snails himself had made a few mistakes in his own time.

But Snips was right on the larger issue. Snips was his best friend, and deserved his loyalty. And Snails would not let him down.

Burying his misgivings on the matter, Snails followed his friend.

***

This time they circled widely through Northern Ponyville, an area of low and rolling hills occupied by apple orchards and berry farms. These were the domains of the Brown Apples, first cousins of the two stallions' friend Apple Bloom; and the Berrys, kin to their beloved teacher Blackcherry Lee Punch, better known to one and all as Cheerilee. There were strawberries and blackberries, and even grapes growing in the relatively mild climate of the southern Vale of Avalon. This was prime, rich farmland as hill country went; almost as good as Sweet Apple Acres or the Carrot Garden. It bore little resemblance to the marginal zone of the White Tails.

Snips and Snails were not all that clear on the reasons, though Cheerilee, in her indefatigable and mostly successful attempts to educate everypony who passed under the purview of her fine mind and charismatic, kind personality, had at one point attempted to explain it to them. It was something about geology; the patterns of volcanic eruptions which had shaped the Vale of Avalon long ago, and the composition of the metallic salts that leached into the soils. What it amounted to was simple: the farmers north of Ponyville were rich, while those southwest of Ponyville were relatively poor.

Their wide arc was intentional. Snips did not want to bring them to the attention of any concerned citizens of Ponyville, who might have been curious about why two minor stallions were proceeding at haste toward the Everfree with a bottle of illegal corn whiskey. It was not that they would have been stopped on suspicion of any crime: Equestria, in this last almost libertarian age of Princess Celestia's enlightened despotism, was simply too free a society for internal checkpoints to be normal. It was more that adults might wonder what they were doing, because Ponyville was still a small enough town that everypony cared about one another -- which meant that it might get back to their parents what they had been doing.

Snips and Snails were approaching the age at which they would normally disperse, establish their own careers and seek new homes and lives for themselves. They had tentative plans to do this together, for they were best friends. Though Snails was not so sanguine about this aspect of their future -- he feared Snips' reaction when Glittershell had no choice but to reveal herself to a best friend who had no notion of her existence.

In any case, neither of them wanted to leave their homes right now. And until they did -- theoretically, for five more years, until they attained their majority, but in practice, until they left their homes -- they were still under parental authority.

Thus, they proceeded with caution.

***

They crossed the Avalon at the main bridge, sauntering along nonchalantly. Snails felt a peculiar emotional tugging as they passed the Spa and the Carousel Boutique. He wished that he might spend this time with Rarity and Sweetie Belle, being Glittershell, talking to her best female friends about his feelings and hopes and dreams, including the ones she dared not share with Snips, enjoying the friendly and talented professional ministrations of Aloe and Lotus. But he owed his first loyalty to Snips; and besides, there was the side of him that was still Snails.

Life could be confusing, when one wasn't even always sure of whether one were stallion or mare; or rather when one knew one was both, in different ways and to different Ponies. One day, Snailsquirm Glisten Glittershell Carrot hoped it would all make sense to him, or her. Right now, all he could do was be the best stallion, or mare, possible.

They continued on southward. They did not take the road past Fluttershy's cottage, which would have led to Sweet Apple Acres. Instead they bore to the east, on the ancient road that went to the Castle of the Two Royal Pony Sisters, though they had no intention of traveling that far into the hell-forest. Their recklessness had limits, and what was a reasonably safe walk for super-powerful Ponies like Twilight Sparkle or Pinkie Pie was by no means as safe for two rather ordinary and relatively powerless young stallions.

Despite Snips' bravado, they were alert as they traveled further into the forest. They had, after all, been venturing into the Everfree fairly regularly for the last five years, and they were still alive. This implied a certain degree of common sense and woodscraft which might not have been believed by those who had only seen their social naivete and incompetence. The wisdom, of course, of entertaining themselves by exploring the Everfree -- a place that had claimed some far more Talented and powerful than themselves -- that was another matter. Though, like all young stallions, they of course imagined themselves immortal.

They soon bore off down a relatively safe and well-traveled trail that they knew led to the hut of Zecora, the mysterious but friendly Zebra shaman who seemed to have some mission here that she had never adequately explained to anypony as far as they knew; though they also knew that she had intervened to the benefit of the Element Bearers, and of Equestria, on more than one occasion. Apple Bloom spent some of her free time hanging around Zecora, picking up what she could of the Zebra's alien alchemy. Bloomie had once tried to explain some of it to Snails, but he found it far too complex to understand.

***

Snips did not, however, plan to proceed all the way to Zecora's hut. More than a mile before he got there, he stopped at a seemingly-ordinary stretch of road.

"Ta da --" Snips said, indicating a secondary road leading off to the left, east from the road to Zecora.

Snails peered down the road. The trees lining it grew very densely, and met overhead to mostly close off the sky. There was a chill breeze blowing from that direction -- perhaps a harbinger of oncoming night? The Sun was close to setting, and the world to the east was darkening. It had been a warm and humid day; in the cool under those obscuring trees, a ground-fog was, in a slow and leisurely fashion, beginning to build.

There was something Snails did not like about that tree-lined road, about the shadows that gathered along it, the fog that rose from the ground. He could smell something strange, wafting along the eastern wind. It was a very faint odor, with a certain sweetness about it, and also an acrid stench of burning. There must be a forest fire somewhere, much deeper in the woods.

"What is this place?" Snails asked his friend.

"I don't know, exactly," Snips said. "But I know there's a village down this road. Must be a small one, 'cause nopony ever talks about it. It has to be there, though -- 'cause if it isn't, who keeps the road clear?"

The wind blew a bit stronger from the east. Snails shivered from a chill which seemed to touch more than his coat and mane. Deep within him, Glittershell seemed to be sensing something very wrong about this little bit of forest. His horn itched unaccountably, and he felt a sudden desire to draw himself in to some metaphorical shell.

"Are we going there?" Snails asked.

"Nah," replied Snips. "These little backwoods towns can be strange places, and this town might be as bad as White Hollow. But," he added slyly, "Its simply being here makes us safer."

"How so, my friend?" asked Snails.

"You see," Snips explained, "This is a crossroads, along which there is traffic. Not much, of course, but when Ponies pass through a place, wild animals tend to avoid it."

"Do you think there's enough traffic here?" asked Snails. "This road seems deserted -- almost dead." He shivered again. Now, why had that particular word occurred to him?

"Sure!" said Snips confidently. "Just -- listen!"

Snails listened. There was not a single sound around them, save for the wind soughing through the tree-branches. No bird singing, no beast growling. Just -- nothing.

"The animals are spooked by Zecora, and by the Ponies who live in that village," said Snips. "Thus, we can have our party right here, just a little bit off this secondary road. Zecora won't spot us, and neither will any of the village-Ponies who might be coming this way. We'll be perfectly safe from any interruption."

Snails considered the point. It sounded perfectly logical, though there was still something that felt wrong about this isolated little road. Just my imagination, Snails decided. I'm a stallion now. I have to be brave, or Snips will laugh at me.

"Okay," replied Snails. "What is the name of this little village, anyway?"

"I don't know," came the answer. "There used to be a name on that sign over there -- he pointed to a road sign with three arrows -- but it got worn off.

Snails looked at the sign. The light was fading, so he lit up his horn and read by its light instead.

One arm read "Ponyville." The second read "Zecora's Hut." The third -- had been effaced.

Though it did not look worn off. It looked as if it had been actively scratched out, by some sort of tool. Now why would anypony want to do that? Snails wondered.

There was something peculiar hanging from the sign. Snails leaned in and peered at it. It was some sort of necklace of beads and feathers and teeth, of a design which did not seem exactly Equestrian, but reminded him of --- "Did Zecora make this?" he asked Snips.

"Huh?" Snips was taken by surprise by the question. He stepped over to see exactly what Snails was examining. "Oh yeah. She hangs them up all along this end of the road. Some Zebrican thing."

"Why does she do that?" Snails wondered.

"Who knows?" replied Snips, waving a hoof dismissively. "She's very superstitious, I think. Said something once about keeping away the 'shit-tannies,' or something like that. Maybe they stop the runs."

That sounded wrong to Snails, and wronger still to Glittershell. Still, what did he know? Snips was evidently more familiar with this part of the Everfree than was Snails.

Then he saw something, a bit further down the trail. "Hey, what does this sign say?" He walked over to a broad one, hung from two wooden stakes driven into the ground.

Snails struggled to read the words. They were written in a slightly strange script, blocky and with oddly formed letters, but it was recognizably a form of Earth Pony lettering. They looked rather like some of the inscriptions on the older parts of Canterlot he'd seen on a field trip, but more so -- if that made any sense. Yet they obviously weren't ancient -- this was a wooden sign, and the paint looked to have only recently dried.

"Welcommen to ..." there was a name there, but partly covered by one of those odd Zebrican necklace charms. Snails grasped the charm in his aura and pulled it to one side.

"Here, my friend, let me help you with that," said Snips. He took the charm in his own aura, lifted it off the sign and tossed it to the roadside. "There, now we can read this better!"

But Snails was frozen with an irrational dread. When that charm had been removed from the sign, he had felt a strange sensation -- as of a gate opening. Was the cold wind blowing even stronger from the east? Was there a smell of cake and -- someone had badly burned an omelette or something of that sort, and maybe some leather garment to boot. The stench was unmistakable. Glittershell fancied that she could hear sounds now, of some far-away celebration.

Snips didn't seem to be noticing any of this. He leaned in to read the name. "Hmm. That's an odd thing to call a village. Though we live in 'Ponyville,' so why not?" He reached into his saddlebags and pulled out two cups. "Let's stop wasting time and get this party started. We're as safe here as anywhere in the Everfree."

Snails nodded. He had paid too much attention to his fears. Why, Glittershell had even imagined that the gate which had opened was not opening to provide their admittance to the strangely-named community to their east, but rather in opening enabling its inhabitants to get out.

Boy, I'm sure a silly filly, she thought, and got out the jug of moonshine.

She gave the sign one last look. I wonder why anyone would name their village ... she peered again, checked the spelling. Sunney Towne?

Then Snails joined Snips at their impromptu little party.

***

The cold wind blew, the fog rose and eddied down the road, as if issuing from some place far more alien than even the Everfree. By the roadside, two young stallions talked about life, themselves and their futures, confidently assuming that they still had some . There were the sounds of their conversation, into which were interspersed those of moonshine gurgling into cups and thence down thirsty throats. All else was silence: the hell-forest seemed to be holding its breath, awaiting whatever might happen.

And from the roadside by the broad sign, two glowing golden eyes appeared, and gazed at the two young stallions, a gaze filled with hunger for the young lives they had; a gaze whose hunger was restrained only by the mind behind those eyes. Those golden eyes narrowed and regarded them minutely. That mind analyzed the situation.

And, almost lost on the wind, a very hollow and yet feminine voice muttered one word:

"Fools."

Author's Note:

Snips' memory comes with full and easy editing capabilities!

Snails is falling for a semi Ad Equinium (To the Person) fallacious argument. It is true that Whitey is a criminal gang leader who Snails barely knows, while Snips is his best friend. It is true that this reasonably affects analysis of their respective benevolence toward Snails. On the other hand, this does not mean that Snips knows more about responsible versus dangerous drinking than the moonshiner with decades of experience involving alcoholic beverages.

Remember, colts and fillies. High-proof corn alcohol and monster-haunted forests do not go well together! This has been your daily PSA from Jordan179!

"Shetani" are evil spirits in East African mythology. I am rendering a Zebrican concept with similar implications. But what would Zecora, a master alchemist and Servant of The Harmony, know about evil spirits? She's probably just being superstitious ...

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Wow. It's like Snips concentrates all of Trixie's worst aspects in one convenient package. The arrogance, the (attempts at) manipulation, revising his life to cast himself as the clever hero. He really learned all the worst lessons from her, though it's hardly fair to blame Trixie for the colts' current predicament. She'd probably be familiar enough with horror stories to know not to disturb the mysterious charms the local shaman strung around the dilapidated old signs, to say nothing of what typically befalls drunken teenagers in spooky woods.

Very interesting that Snails's two selves are getting different sensations from the direction of Sunny Town. I wonder what the story is there.

Here's hoping these two live to regret this.

[Jordan179]

7050054

Snips is in arrogant-mode, the more so because he failed twice, in front of Snails, when he was trying to impress Snails with his adult sophistication. "Third time the charm," he figures.

He's also right that if the animals are staying away from that place, it means they're probably safe from animal attack. He's not, however, bothering to consider that -- in a place like the Everfree -- he really should be considering just what is scaring off the animals, and how.

You make a good point about Snips learning all the wrong lessons from Trixie: copying her flaws rather than her virtues. Snails, on the other hand, has mostly been picking up on Trixie's skills.

... it's hardly fair to blame Trixie for the colts' current predicament. She'd probably be familiar enough with horror stories to know not to disturb the mysterious charms the local shaman strung around the dilapidated old signs, to say nothing of what typically befalls drunken teenagers in spooky woods.

Indeed. One of the best parts of Trixie's acts is her patter. She's a natural storyteller. She gets narrative causality, often to the point that she forgets about more ordinary logic. For instance, in All the Way Back, she's basically hoping for rescue because she figures she's the heroine or at worst a distressed damsel.

Snips does not realize that he is falling right into the role of victim of the horror in a horror story -- and dragging Snails right along with him.

[TitaniumTao]

*sigh* At least Snips had enough sense to not go into the village itself, that would make for a very short story indeed. And after towering demon lords, chaos spirits, a literal hell-hound, and two separate mad warlocks you would think the two of them would not so easily shrug off what Zecora has done.

As you said, animals are staying away from the place and worse, it's as quiet as a tomb which means that something dangerous is near enough that nothing mobile in hearing range is making noise, which is a bad sign in Earth's non-magical woods much less the Ever-free.

Here's hoping they aren't too traumatized if they survive this mess.

[cowbrony93]

Snails decided. I'm a stallion now. I have to be brave, or Snails will laugh at me.

Hopefully it's actually Snips that laughs at him or if not then Snails/Glittershell has some much more deep seated issues

Also, I hope the village isn't one of Sunny Town's cousins?

[Jordan179]

7051151

(*sight*) The problem with writing Snips & Snails is the similarity of their names, which makes mistagging very easy.

It is Sunny Town. I just gave it an Early Modern English variant spelling. Why not? The town is contemporaneous with Luna's last decades before she became Nigthmare Moon.

[Jordan179]

7052149

They're basically meant to be people. Mostly rather nice people, considering that they are technically an organized criminal gang. They have quirks, in some cases serious flaws, but they're no monsters.

Thank you. I did research on the moonshine whiskey thing, and learned a few things about how it is made and how it differs from normal commercial whiskey. I'm glad that it came out believable.

[Ardashir]

Snips regarded him skeptically.

"Well," amended Snips, "they were very nice to me." He thought for a moment. "And in fact they did not harm you."

Snips stared at Snails. "Oh, Snails," he said sadly. "My friend. My poor, innocent friend. You're so lucky that you have me to protect you against the dangers and snares of the world." He looked down the road ahead. "Now we'd better hurry."

Sorry to be a pain, but is that supposed to be 'Snails' and not Snips in that second paragraph?

And now the story takes a turn towards horror! First the pony Abbott and Costello ignore some rather obvious warnings put up by Zecora. Really, she ought to just put up signs reading 'Stay away from the town full of murderous undead ponies'. And then they remove some protective charms and give said shpuks a free shot at them. This will not end well.

I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

[Jordan179]

7052190

Thank you, I fixed that typo. General problem with writing Snips and Snails dialogue is that their names are similar so it's easy to mis-tag.

Heh, did you know that I was thinking specifically of the Abbott and Costello horror comedies when I thought of this story?

Yeah, Sunny Town is not a good party town, especially as it's run by Worst Party Pony Ever!

[Jordan179]

7052190

Though of course, this story is going places that (thankfully) Abbott and Costello never went.

[Jordan179]

7050538

The story is, after all, entitled Fools and Drunks. So it's not entirely surprising that the main characters get drunk and do foolish things, is it?

Yes, Snips knows that Twilight respects Zecora, but fails to draw the logical conclusion that Zecora may know what she's doing. To be fair, Snips' knowledge of theoretical magic is very limited, so it doesn't occur to him that the charms may be warding against something. Or even that they are charms.

Snails' foolishness is more subtle. He tends to be submissive and willing to follow Snips. In general, both of them are willing to follow any strong personality who pays any positive attention to them, but Snails is more so that way.

[Ardashir]

7052348 Heh, did you know that I was thinking specifically of the Abbott and Costello horror comedies when I thought of this story?

That comparison works very well with Snips and Snails.

Yeah, Sunny Town is not a good party town, especially as it's run by Worst Party Pony Ever!

Indeed it isn't; though if Ruby tries helping S&S she may have a harder time of it then she did with 'Bloom.

[Hannah Nelson]

Now this is a twist I was not expecting! I am hyped!