Fools and Drunks

by Jordan179

Chapter 5: Foolish Drunken Love

The two friends sat side by side in the woods, leaning against the trunk of the same tree. The jug of moonshine sat between them, rising from the grass, a monument to their friendship. It was more than two-thirds empty now, vanishing like the childhood they were by their actions leaving behind them forever.

After all, they were stallions now.

These thoughts gurgled tipsily through the mind of the stallion Snailsquirm, or the mare Glittershell -- whichever he or she was. The Pony in question was finding out that several cups of White Lightning's whiskey confused the issue of sexual identity -- indeed, of any sort of identity -- even more than was normally the case for the gender-dysphoric young Carrot.

The happy thing was that, with over a pint of high-proof whiskey warming his -- or her -- belly, the issue of sexual identity no longer seemed so important. No issues seemed important. The whole world was calm and mellow.

Snailsquirm Glittershell Glisten Carrot could just lie back against the tree, and regard his very best friend, the colt who had been her boon companion since early childhood, and was now his companion as a stallion. For Snails was a stallion too, a fact of which he was perpetually-reminded by the organ which sat sheathed on his loins. Normally, this fact disturbed him. Right now, he simply accepted it, and smiled in a friendly fashion at his buddy Snips.

And Glittershell -- sixteen years old and completely virginal, never even kissed and not likely to be any time soon; who, had she been born into the right form, would have grown accustomed to both the irritation of her cycles and the fascination exerted by her marescent, and right about now been reaching the point where she wanted to fascinate one particular stallion, to be her mate and sire her foals and love her forever -- what did Glittershell think of this?

Glittershell had neither cycles, nor marescent, nor womb with which to bear foals. No sexually-normal stallion would want to kiss her; still less to make love to her: and if he did it would be physically-impossible for him to do so in the manner for which she yearned. She assumed that these facts would doom her -- unless she could persuade somepony to perform the Ritual of Reassignment upon her, a process which could not begin until he was 21 at the earliest, and would take years to complete -- to a perpetual, frustrated virginity.

In her innocence, the obvious alternative -- the sinister path of sexual degradation -- did not even cross her mind. Which was probably for the better, as Glittershell would have made a very unhappy prostitute. Glittershell knew vaguely of the existence of whores, but she did not consider this as a fact about her world with much personal relevance.

But now, Glittershell was alone, deep in the woods with Snips, somepony who had been her best friend for almost as far back as she could remember. Normally, Glittershell kept herself well-hidden around Snips, because she sensed that her friend -- in most ways a very conventional colt -- might not be able to accept something as strange as Snails being at his heart a filly, despite her outwardly masculine appearance. Glittershell was terrified that she might lose Snips' friendship. Even her newer friendships, with Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, could not possibly make up for that loss.

Needless to say, normally the last thing Glittershell would have done would have been to even think about Snips romantically. Aside from the fact that Snips would probably have been horrified at the notion of kissing somepony he thought of as male, Snips wasn't even the type of colt -- or stallion -- to which Glittershell normally conceived romantic sentiments.

Glittershell's romantic ideal was tall and broad-shouldered and muscular; rugged and strong, and yet tenderly passionate. She always imagined her fantasy stallion as looking and sounding a lot like Big Mac, for whom she had felt a hopeless attraction for years now, ever since she became aware that she was a filly named Glittershell, rather than a colt called Snailsquirm. Originally she would daydream about this imaginary Pony hugging and kissing and complimenting her; recently, since she and Sweetie Belle had found a stash of some of Rarity's steamier romance novels, the actions of her dream-lover had become considerably more sexually-explicit.

Lately, when Glittershell thought about her imaginary stallion when she was alone, she would touch herself -- or rather the embarrassingly-anamolous male organ that depended from her lower belly. She found that she was much less disgusted by her own male anatomy then, for she could pretend that she was pleasuring her fantasy-mate with her caresses. She would of course feel the sensations caused by her masturbation, but in her imagination this would be the result of the touch of her virile but kindly stallion. In this fashion, she was able to imagine herself truly female, even when directly touching the evidence of her undesired masculinity.

These sessions often ended in Glittershell orgasming, and an emission of semen which, in her fantasy, of course came from her lover. It felt incredibly good. Surely, if she did this to a stallion for real, he could not help but love her? Such was Glittershell's girlish hope -- to one day really love, and be loved, by a good stallion.

But now, as she regarded Snips leaning against their tree -- leaning even more drunkenly than herself, which was unsurprising given that he had downed much more moonshine than had she -- Glittershell conceived what, even in her current state of inebriation, part of her still recognized as possibly a very bad idea.

What if I kiss Snips? Glittershell asked herself.

You'll gross him out and then he won't want to be friends any more, replied her common sense (yes, even Glittershell had some). You know he sees you as a colt -- he doesn't know that you're really a filly inside. Don't do something stupid.

Yes, but what if he likes it? Glittershell persisted in examining this possibility, probably because she so very much wanted to believe it might be true.

Visions arose in her whiskey-sodden brain, visions of kissing and holding and caressing and exploring Snips' short and stocky, but decidedly masculine form, a real stallion rather than merely one formed from her own deformities mingled with her imagination. She knew from personal experience several ways that she might please him, and might be willing to try one way that she could not do to herself, but which she knew from one of the most explicit of the romance novels was possible.

Erotic thoughts danced through Glittershell's intoxicated mind as she regarded the young stallion. He was not her romantic ideal, neither physically nor emotionally. Yet, looking at Snips' own flushed blue face, bushy dark eyebrows, head surmounted by his weirdly-tufted reddish-orange mane, his horn short and stubby like the rest of him, Glittershell realized that it was a face she loved, one she was accustomed to see, and certainly no obstacle to her desire.

Snips' attitude toward love was a more serious obstacle. Snips was not at all romantic in his attitude toward mares; he divided them in his mind between "hot babes" whom he would "totally do" and female friends: the latter category being the one in which he placed, for example, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, whom he scorned as being more "overgrown foals" who were -- by virtue of their playfulness and near-total lack of seductive wiles -- not to be taken seriously as objects able to attract his lust. Hot babes were to be pursued in a nigh-predatory fashion, while one's relationships toward female friends should be completely chaste.

Glittershell was, as has already been intimated, far from sophicated regarding romantic affairs. Nor was she the sharpest Carrot in the patch. But it had occurred to her that -- given her physical form -- she was not and could never be a "hot babe" by Snips' definition. Furthermore, even if Snips did accept her as truly female, she would then fall into the category of "female friend," toward whom he might never feel sexual desire.

It had even occurred to Glittershell, in bitter reaction to some things he had said about fillies and mares on earlier occasions, that "trifling" would be all she could hope for if -- by some miracle -- Snips regarded her as "hot." Which would -- obviously even to Glittershell -- lead only to her heartbreak, and the ruin of her lifelong friendship with the short blue stallion. This was part of the reason why, Glittershell, normally, did not have a crush on her best male friend.

Normally.

Right now, though, Glittershell was in an entirely different frame of mind. The limitations of morality, sentiment and even objective reality no longer seemed to bind her quite so tightly. All was awash, floating on a happy sea of magic moonshine, and in that wondrous solvent the gratification of all desires seemed easy and right at hoof.

Glittershell gazed down into the dark eyes of her best friend, smiled at his unlovely but dear face, and started slowly leaning down toward him.

Snips, for his part, smiled up at his friend -- whom he did not know was Glittershell -- with his normal, goofy good cheer. He clearly saw nothing unusual in Snails' actions.

To Glittershell's confused perceptions, this seemed like an invitation. She leaned in even closer ...

Anything might have happened -- had not Snips chosen that moment in which to say something surprising.

"Wow," Snips said, badly slurring his words. "You are really beautiful, did you know that?"

Glittershell gasped, her cheeks growing hot, scarcely believing the compliment she was hearing, given from whom she was hearing it.

"Um ... uh ..." she replied brightly. "Eh?"

"No, really, Shnailsh," insisted Snips, struggling to rise but only succeeding in slumping over into a slightly different position against the tree. "Doan' take thish the wrong way, pal o'mine, but if you were a mare ..." he paused, either for dramatic effect or because, in his current condition, marshaling his thoughts to speak coherently was very difficult, "... you'd be a hot babe an' I would totally do you!"

After unburdening himself of this startling confidence, Snips fell back against the tree. His eyes closed, as if in extremely deep thought.

Glittershell froze in place. Her heart was pounding in excitement. She didn't know what to think or feel, say or do. Were her dreams about to really come true? What should be her action in response?

She would have known what to say to a declaration of love. But this was barely a declaration of lust.

On the other hand, this was the closest thing to a declaration of love she'd ever received.

While Glittershell was still trying to decide, a small sound informed her that the very need for any response had just passed. The sound was Snips -- snoring.

After drinking a quart of moonshine, Snips had finally passed out.

Glittershell sighed. Then she bent her head down over the face of her best friend. Tenderly and very gently, she kissed him on the lips.

"I would have totally let you do me, Snips," she said softly. "I could never say 'no' to you. I'm a fool."

A small wet drop fell on Snips' cheek, though the fog where they sat was not yet thick enough to drip.

Snips made an incomprehensible muffled sound, and shifted slightly in his sleep. He continued to snore.

Glittershell's vision was blurry as she raised her head. In a sense, what she had just given to her best friend had been her first kiss. He, of course, would never remember it, which was probably for the better. She, of course, would never forget.

Maybe marehood wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Some sort of light was shining on her. She blinked her tears away and peered in the direction of the light. Then, she leaned forward in disbelief.

The fog in the road seemed to be glowing.

It must be the moonlight, Glittershell told herself. But even as this comforting thought occurred to her, she saw the figure that was forming from the fog.

First there were the eyes: two golden orbs, glowing even more brightly than the surrounding mists. For a moment, the eyes looked as if they were simly floating in the mist, unattached to any face, but that of course must have been an optical illusion, since such was completely impossible. Sure enough, Glittershell soon saw a light and dark streaked yellow mane, long and lovely, seemingly unfolding around the eyes, to frame a gray-coated face -- that of a mare, or perhaps a filly.

The fog parted around the filly -- or was the filly somehow absorbing the fog? No, that was surely impossible. In any case, the mist sank down, revealing the form of a Pony perhaps two or three years younger than herself, a filly just entering into marehood. Her legs were shapely and powerful, her form muscular and well-toned. She was an Earth Pony, yet there seemed something unearthly about the way she stood, wreathed in the thinning vapors.

Glittershell became aware that it had suddenly become very chilly. Her own breath fogged in the freezing air, yet the other filly's breath did not seem to be fogging. For a moment Glittershell fancied that the other filly was not breathing at all, but of course all Ponies breathed -- didn't they? Glittershell shivered, her teeth chattering in the cold.

Finally, the filly stood mostly revealed -- though the fog still pooled around her hooves, making it hard to tell if she was really walking on the road, or on the fog. That latter would be impossible, because she was clearly no Pegasus.

Glittershell could now see her in detail, and some of the Unicorn's frightened fancies fled. Those golden eyes had perfectly normal irises and pupils; it had been a trick of the fog which had made them seem mere orbs of light. She was standing on the road, like any Earth Pony would; this became plain as the fog completely dissipated.

The filly stepped forward, and for a moment Glittershell saw her Cutie Mark -- nothing terrifying, just a magnifying glass. This was just a normal Pony like herself.

"Who are you?" the strange filly asked. "What do you here?"

Glittershell drew herself up to her hooves, an action that proved surprisingly difficult, under the influence of the moonshine. I'm pretty drunk! she realized. At the very last moment, she remembered to be Snails again.

The gray-and-yellow filly blinked rapidly, and cocked her head sideways for a moment, as if seeing something very strange.

"I am Snailsquirm Glisten Carrot," Snails said, "but you can call me 'Snails.' My friend over there is Snipsy Snap Fields. And you?" he asked.

"I am called Ruby Gift, of Sunny Towne. I am here very much without the knowledge of and against the wishes of mine own kinsponies. And I come to warn you that ye both are in very great peril."

Snails drew back slightly in surprise.

Ruby continued:

"If ye do not return to the main road, and do so right now ... ye shall die."

Author's Note:

Remember, colts and fillies ... booze. It's what's for dinner!

Yes. There is prostitution in the SWSV Equestria. It's not as big as it was in the Anglosphere a century ago, and because it's not illegal, it's less nasty, but it exists. It exists because there are Ponies who have money but lack sex, and other Ponies who are willing to have sex for money, same as is the case in our world. It's against Equestrian ideals, but then it's against ours, as well, and we still do it.

Yep. Snips "friendzones." Is anyone really surprised by this?

Glittershell is demonstrating why it's a very, very bad idea to make romantic decisions when drunk. She is perhaps fortunate that Snips is even more drunk -- to the point of physical incapacity for action.

Here's my article on the topic: "The Equestrian Demi-Monde."

Glittershell famously drifts into prostitution in Lovecolt's story "It." That is actually the story that got me into the Glittershell concept, and led me to Coming Out of Your Shell. This happens in Lovecolt's story because Glittershell is rejected by pretty much everypony for her transexuality; it doesn't happen in the SWSV because Glittershell is instead accepted, particularly by the Belle Sisters, by Cheerilee and by the Sweet Apple Acres Siblings. The SWSV Equestria is, in general, much more accepting of variant sexualities than are Lovecolt's worlds.

Much, probably most of my Glittershell SWSV canon derives from Coming Out of Your Shell. This includes most especially the short list of those who Glittershell trusts with her secret, and why -- at this point, Rarity Belle, Sweetie Belle, Cheerilee, and Aloe and Lotus. Glittershell is not at this point quite as innocent as in COoYS, but then she's about two to three years older now. She's still pretty innocent in most ways, as we see in this chapter.

In Glittershell's defense here, she's drunk. In Snips' defense, he's even more drunk.

"You" is absolutely correct usage here, as she does not know Snails/Glittershell and speaks to her as an equal.

She's being quite direct here. She's not playing games with Snips, not at all.

Glittershell, meet Ruby Gift.

It's probably a good thing for you that you don't want to kiss her.

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Ah, alcohol. They call it social lubricant, but as you noted, it's a solvent at higher concentrations. Good thing it dissolved Snips's consciousness before it finished eating through Glittershell's inhibitions.

Of course, there are rather more pressing problems right now, like impending death by Luna-cursed zombies. I just hope Snails can process that before it's too late.

Also, it seems like Ruby somehow detected the mental shift from Glittershell to Snails. If that's the case, it's very interesting indeed.

[Jordan179]

7056398

Yes. Normally Glittershell would have more common sense (and be too shy, as well) than to steal a kiss from Snips. And Snips would never have said the thing which he did to trigger that kiss.

Snails really does have trouble saying 'no' to Snips. Or anypony whom he really likes a lot. He's a natural follower.

This could get him in a lot of trouble. Come to think of it, right now Snails is in a lot of trouble, no hypothetical about it!

Yes, receiving a warning from a friendly ghost was not what Snails expected at this point. Not that he's grasped that this is what Ruby is yet. Neither that she's friendly, nor a ghost.

I hope you liked her entrance. I thought about the physics of Ruby (and the other Wraiths) a bit before writing this chapter. She normally drains ambient energy from her surroundings to manifest -- that's why she radiates chilling cold -- and to feed she drains life from living things (which injures or kills them). Because Ruby is good, she does not intentionally harm sapients -- but she could do so by accident, as she did to Chiller Tale some five hundred and eighty-four years ago. Such an accident would be most likely to occur if strong passions were roused in her, causing her to lose emotional self-control.

Ruby is really neither the girl nor the walking charred horror. She's really a sapient vortex of psycho-kinetic energy -- a soul manifesting in our world without a real body to house it. And this is true of all the spirits of Sunney Towne. Like all ghosts, though much more powerful than most.

Her mind is that of a rather bright, nice teenaged filly, though. One who has died, and been undead for over a thousand years, experiencing strange and diverse things, most of it in a sort of waking dream-state. She has to focus mentally in order to interact meaningfully in an intellectual sense with mortals.

Ruby is very focused right now, more so than she was the first time she saw Apple Bloom (her waking dream-state was why she drew Apple Bloom in without considering the consequences)..

Unfortunately, Snails is right now in something of a waking dream-state. And isn't as focused as Apple Bloom even when he's sober.

Ruby can see Snails/Glittershell both in the normal way (when her eyes are manifested), and she can see his soul. Or her soul. And right now Snails/Glittershell is gender-confused, so his soul's sex can shift without warning. That's something new, even for Ruby.

[TitaniumTao]

On the plus side, Snips falling asleep before Snails outed herself may be a good thing. On the negative he just passed out in the worst place and at the worst time; Snails has to drag him to safety.

On the double plus side at least they are near the main path, unlike poor Apple Bloom so there isn't that far to go. On the negative again, the only one who can walk... well even at his best isn't the most coordinated, and being very drunk isn't going to help. Here's hoping He doesn't run in the wrong direction.

7056398 Don't be silly they won't kill the two Stallions, they'll just introduce them to a new kind of party... yeah that's what will happen....

[Ardashir]

7056468 I really like the thought you put into the whys and wherefores of Ruby and the Sunny Towners. And the confusion and, yes, liquor-induced stupidity does sound a lot like some stories I heard from older relations about their younger days. Though none of them had to deal with angry ghosts. So far as I know, anyway!

[The Great Derpsby]

I know someone who has a similar system to Snips'. It's a mechanism to avoid romance at all because he has a very low opinion of himself and therefore tries to deny any attraction to a girl he's comfortable being around.

Snips is short, overweight, not good-looking going by what we know of the show, and probably had the other kids teasing the hell of out him. I wonder if, like me friend, Snips is afraid of letting anyone too close for these reasons.

[Patchwork Dreams]

But now, Glittershell was alone, deep in the woods with Snails, somepony who had been her best friend for almost as far back as she could remember

I've heard of loving yourself and being your own best friend, but I don't think that they meant it quite this way...

[Jordan179]

8746024

Cripes! Thank you!