Blackest Knight
Chapter 28
John looked down at the headless body of Chrysalis. He had expected a battle, a fight, but the changeling queen had hid behind her soldiers in terror. Her last ditch defense was that the human would think himself too noble to kill her. She was wrong.
Halberd stepped up beside John, having been revived by the human. The changeling stared at his queen before speaking, “You know that, by changeling law, the queen’s challenger is supposed to take her place if victorious.”
John sighed, “I don’t care for politics, ruling, or warfare. I concede the position to you Halberd.”
Halberd’s head snapped toward the human. “You can’t do that, you may not be a changeling, but I still have to abide by the laws of my kind.”
John looked at his old trainer, “Changeling law is that the victor of a duel is the one that takes command, correct?”
The changeling hesitated, “Correct.”
“But they do not say what duel is the deciding factor. I declare that our first duel be used to determine succession.”
Halberd was taken aback, “I suppose there are no laws against that, but why do you choose me?”
John looked into the changeling’s eyes, “I trust you. You will lead your species right.”
Halberd nodded, “I will do my best.”
“I will talk to Celestia,” John added, “Try to arrange a peace. Hopefully we can keep your kind fed somehow, without another attack on Equestria.”
“I hope to keep peace between the lands as well,” the changeling agreed.
John looked at the changeling again, “But I will warn you, if you or any changeling threaten me, my friends, or Equestria again, there will be punishment.”
Halberd nodded, “I understand.”
John chuckled, “Good, my friend, now go to the doctors and get that curse removed, and destroy all evidence of the curses. They are not to be used again.”
“I had the same plans.”
John nodded, and walked toward the exit. He started his trek through the forest to the resort town, where he would board the train to Ponyville.
“I can’t believe you would just break into the forbidden magic section!” Twilight yelled at John. “It’s called forbidden magic for a reason.”
A few days had passed since John went to go ‘visit’ the changelings. Fluttershy’s friends had been overjoyed to see her come back to life, but Twilight was secretly fuming at being deceived by the human.
Her rage boiled over when John told her what he had done at the Hive. After a half hour of ranting about not interfering in changeling politics, she suddenly switched to what she was really mad about. “We got lucky that Fluttershy seems to have been returned to us completely, but we still don’t know if there are any lasting effects.”
“Relax Twilight,” John replied, “I trust Death. It said that her fate and body have been completely restored. If we live in fear of how she might be harmed, then we lose the time that we could be celebrating how she isn’t harmed.”
Twilight sighed, “I suppose you are right, but your actions were still reckless.” She paused, “I’m just glad we don’t have to worry about Chrysalis anymore. I still don’t agree with your methods, but I admit that holding her for court would just be asking for trouble.”
“And holding her for court would not have honored my agreement with Death,” John added.
Twilight shook her head, “We can only hope that dying and coming back to life didn’t have any negative effects on her state of mind.”
John and Fluttershy lay together in a small clearing. They looked up at the stars, their picnic lay off to one side. His hand grasped her forehoof, and they smiled at each other.
They stayed in silence for some time before John spoke, “It is great to have some quiet, huh?”
Fluttershy giggled, “Yes, we have had too much noise since you came here.”
John chuckled as she snuggled against him. He threw an arm around the back of her neck, and he rested her head on his chest. She could feel John’s voice vibrating in his chest, “I am glad that everything has finally calmed. My life has been too hectic since I came to this world, but now I can settle down and make a real life for myself here.”
Fluttershy rose her head, “Am I going to be in this life of yours?”
John looked into her eyes, “Of course, without you it wouldn’t be much of a life.”
They smiled at each other, and she rested her head on his chest again. “I want to thank you.”
“For what?” John asked, “Tonight?”
“Yes, but also for saving me.”
John looked at her, but she was looking at the stars. “It was supposed to feel like paradise on the other side,” She began, “but without you, it just felt empty. Some of the ponies there told me that I could watch you, but I didn’t want to see you in pain. I was just wallowing in grief until I felt my soul being pulled from that place.”
John was silent, taken aback from her confession.
She continued, “When I came back, I was disoriented, but Twilight told me what you did.” She looked into his eyes, “I just want to thank you for risking your life to save mine.”
John answered, “I could not have lived without you. I was ready to fight Death itself to get you back.”
Fluttershy laughed, then paused before saying, “I love you.”
John kissed her forehead, “I love you too Fluttershy.” She rotated her head to kiss him on the lips, then they both turned back toward the sky.
They stared up at the stars in silence for the rest of the night, not needing or wanting to say a word. They merely cherished each other’s presence.
John felt Fluttershy’s breathing slowly change. He looked over to see that she had fallen asleep. He stayed in this position for a while longer, waiting for her to fall deeper into her dreams. After a half hour, he gently picked her up into his arms. The human carried the pegasus back toward her cottage.
After John set Fluttershy to bed, he quietly left the cottage. A short walk under the stars brought him back to Twilight’s library.
Over three years passed as John and Fluttershy courted. Trials came and passed. Their relationship flourished while everything around them changed. The Crystal Empire reappeared and King Sombra was defeated, Discord was reformed by Fluttershy, Twilight was crowned as Princess of Friendship and ascended to become an alicorn, and her six friends helped defeat Tirek, with John’s help during the battle. John had even stopped wearing his sword everywhere.
Now, as Ponyville had finished their reconstruction, John had a single goal in mind. He had toured the streets of Canterlot and Manehattan several times looking for something that he had no idea was so close to home. He departed Fluttershy’s house after yet another date, and made his way into the center of town. To say he was nervous would be an understatement.
John stood in the street, triple checking to make sure this was the right shop before entering.
“Hey, welcome to …” The mare at the counter turned around with the greeting before seeing John. The irony of Cloud Kicker taking this job along with weather duty was not lost on John as she kicked into her old stallion chasing style, “Well hello sexy.”
“Hello Cloud Kicker, but tonight isn’t the night to tease.” John walked to the counter.
Cloud Kicker perked up, “So tomorrow is the big day, huh?”
“Yep,” John confirmed. “Is it done yet?”
“Yeah, it has been for a week. Don’t worry, I would have only sold it to anyone cuter than you though,” Cloud Kicker teased, earning a glare from John. “Considering how many times you’ve been in here recently, I can tell you’re getting antsy. I’ll get it for ya.” The mare walked into the back room.
John waited for the mare to return, when she did, he took the package she brought and set the bits to pay for it. “Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it John.” The mare did not leave him with another tease.
John exited the store and made his way back to Twilight’s crystal castle. He still couldn’t get used to the giant castle that had seemingly sprung from nowhere. The dusk’s faint light caught the crystal, and it shone like stars.
John entered the castle and made his way to the room he had commandeered after the castle appeared. He settled on his bed and opened the top drawer on the nightstand next to the bed. He placed the box he had procured in the shop into the drawer. He closed the drawer and sealed away that box that contained the flawless diamond hoof ring he would need the next day.
Ending already?
why does it end s soon??
I feel like he's going to be teleported back to earth and then have to find his way back to Equestria. If this isn't planned then I just gave you a great idea for a sequel or continuation to this story.
This is too abrupt. The main story was written with a rising story arc, a break pause for few chapters, then should have continued to another arc. I was enjoying the apparent build up to something else and you seem to have just ended it. This direction/closing of the story in the last 2 chapters, has the same value as if he died suddenly from something as mundane as choking on popcorn.
AyE cNaT dOo GrAmAeR wRiTe111111111
Alright. I tried to give this story the benefit of a doubt but I just can't. There are just so many flaws with it...
- You jump from one scene to another with no aparent transition
- Way too much information packed in such short chapters
- Characters aren't fleshed out so when somebody dies/becomes a lover/whatever we don't get attached to them
- The grammar and style of writing is like a teen's highschool essay (If you're a teen I forgive you. If not, try harder)
- The scenes where you can actually draw in readers like the fight scenes and the whole death conversation are so short and finished so fast that they are just plain boring to read
Look, I really like HiE fics. I also enjoy short chapters in stories. But, you just jump from scenes and characters in such a hectic manner that I honestly can't get invested in it.
Try to make some chapters in which you flesh out your characters. Make another one just for a battle. Make another one for a slice of life. Just please, PLEASE, dont jumble them up in this mess that you created.
Please try to take my comment as constructive criticism. I hope that if you continue to write, your next fics will be better.
All the best.
5705646
Alright, thanks, Sorry my writing style has gotten a bit worse, but I've been having less and less time to actually write. I tried to keep chapters coming every day, but I've barely had any time to write the last couple chapters, and I have to pick them up for moments at a time instead of writing straight through (which I was doing earlier). Sorry if it feels rushed, but I just haven't been able to dedicate enough time to each chapter while sticking to keeping updates rolling for you. I probably made the wrong choice not to disappoint everyone with slow chapters, but I'm going to take a little break once this story is done. My next story will come at a slower pace, and I'll try to get some pre-readers in as well (I'd really appreciate if you could, being as you are the one giving me the most constructive criticism) so that I can make it a better story. Thanks for the criticism though, it really puts it into perspective.
If I can, I'll try to come back and rewrite the last couple chapters, space it out more, but I can't dedicate too much time right now.
Thank you though, for reading and giving helpful hints, sorry I disappointed you, and I hope my next story won't be as rushed.
5705753
Hey man, its alright. I've seen plenty of stories way worse than yours.
You have a general idea set into your story but you just need to stretch it out more and give it definition. (I like the idea of a human kidnapped and experimented on by the changelings)
As you said, don't rush it. You just need to do it at your own pace. Quality over quantity. Even if you release a chapter every couple of months, it will still be better than if you just make them for the sake of keeping up to a schedule. (Most of the best authors on this site take their time to release chapters, some of them with breaks of up to a whole year)
I know how hard it is when you have other responsibilities that just consumes most of your free time so I don't blame you for that. (I'm really into guitar but have little to no free time left to learn it better).
I really do believe that you have potential for great stories.
Keep it up and good luck.
5705813
Thanks, I'll probably get the last couple chapters of this story out in the next couple days, but I'll take my time with them.
If you wouldn't mind, I'd really like if you could pre-read the next story I'm planning on releasing.You seem like a person with fine attention to detail, and I'd really like your help with it. I haven't got it fleshed out yet, but plan on starting it maybe later this month or next month. PM me if you are interested, and I'll try to get something worked out.
For anyone else reading, I'd appreciate any pre-readers, anyone can PM me if interested.
As it ends, as it begins. I am completely right and original.
5708918
It isn't over yet!
5706989
Conflict is the mother of progress. Plagues and famines are only the remnants of natural selection, I give them a couple centuries before they disappear altogether.
Death is a constant reality because life is fucking dangerous. I mean, statistically you have 100% chance to die. No point in focusing on it, better focus on living.
Death will have his payment