The Rainbow Factory

by Nerdy

Hired

The gruff griffon stared at the Doctor. He grunted, and motioned for them to follow him. They entered a light lit reception hall, with fuzzy green chairs. The griffon walked up to a receptionist, and whispered something. The receptionist nodded, and walked away. Rainbow Dash sat down with the Doctor.

“Doctor, what were you thinking?!” Rainbow Dash said.

“We need to investigate what Felix talked about,” The Doctor said.

“I’ve never been to this part of the factory before.”

“And we’ve only seen the reception room!”

The receptionist walked back to the two ponies and said “The boss will see you now.”

She led them through dark lit hallways, covered with rainbow colors, giving it a creepy glow. They stopped outside a white door.

“You are sworn to secrecy to what you learn from now on,” she said with a glare. Then she smiled and said “Hope you get the job! For your own sake.” Then she walked away.

Rainbow Dash glanced at the Doctor, and walked into the room. It was mostly empty, except for three chairs and a white desk. Sitting at the desk was a black stallion with a rainbow mane, speckled with black, and a crown shining like a rainbow. The weirdest thing was, he was an ailcorn.

“An… an alicorn?” Rainbow Dash said. “But… but how? There are only 4 alicorns left in Equestria!”

The stallion chuckled. “That’s the normal reaction I get from ponies meeting me for the first time. I am Prince Spectra, Prince of the weather, secret brother of the Two Sisters. I heard you wanted a job?”

The Doctor cleared his throat. “Yes, we do, sir.”

Prince Spectra motioned for them to sit down in the chairs before them. When they were seated, Spectra looked at Rainbow Dash and said “The Rainbow Factory has been watching you for some time now, Ms. Dash. We were most impressed with your sonic rainboom. You and your friend are welcome to join us.”

“Thank you sir,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Yes, thank you,” The Doctor said. “Well, I’m the Doctor, since you apparently didn’t know my name.”

“Well, we have seen you and Ms. Dash wandering around Ponyville,” The black alicorm said. “so we know what you look like. Since you are an earth pony, we will make sure that you have cloud walking potion or whatever you used to walk on the clouds. You must be wondering what we do here, correct?”

“That has been what we were thinking, yes,” The brown earth pony said.

“Well then, you must know that in the lower, public part of the factory, the pegasi mix spectra into light, organizing it to create a rainbow. The upper part of the factory is where we make the spectra.”

“But what is spectra even made of?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Come and see!” Prince Spectra lead them down the hallway into a dark area of the factory. Though the walls were colored like a rainbow, they had more red than other colors.

They stopped on a huge platform overlooking a deep hole. Ponies hurried around, wearing white outfits stained red. On the shoulder of the outfits were symbols. On the left side was a thundercloud, with th3 colors red, green, and blue poking out, with wings carrying the cloud up, while a lightning bolt came out the bottom. ON the right side were a variety of symbols, but they all had one thing in common; a knife.

A green-yellow pegasus with a green mane trotted over to them. Her personal symbol was a rainbow colored knife with wings, and in the background, gears being hit by a whip.

“Who are these two, Prince?” the pegasus asked.

“New workers, wanting to see how spectra is made,” Spectra said with a grin. “Ms. Dash, Doctor, meet Woodentoaster, leader of the spectra division.”

“Good,” WoodenToaster said, smiling. “Octavia, fire up the Pegasus Device!”

A gray earth pony mare stepped out into the light. Her symbol was a rainbow colored treble clef and a magnifying glass etched into a knife, and in the background, a kitchen. The Doctor guessed that these symbols must represent what areas of the factory they work in. Rainbow Dash recognized her as the cellist of the Canterlot Orchestra. This must had been her part time job.

“You might want to close your eyes,” Octavia said, pulling a lever.

A small table rose out of the hole, and on it, a pink unicorn. She looked very frightened.

“Scalpel, up!” WoodenToaster cried as Octavia threw another switch. A huge scalpel rose up in frount of the unicorn. The Doctor was powerless to stop what happened next.

“Slice!” the pegasus yelled, and Octavia closed her eyes, hitting a button. A scream hit the air as the scalpel sliced into the unicorn. Blood flew all over the ponies on the platform. The Doctor’s eyes widened. Rainbow Dash, however, threw up, the vomit hitting a zebra below.

“You get used to it,” Woodentoaster said, hitting Rainbow Dash’s back with her tail. “After this, the useful parts of the pony travel into different areas of the factory, and that is how spectra is made. Oh, Paint Dot will love those bright green eyes!”
*
*
*
“A drink, Ms. Dash?” Prince Spectra said when they were back in his office. Rainbow Dash nodded, slowly grabbing the floating cup.

“Bet you never thought that was what spectra was!” the prince said. “Though, Ms. Dash, maybe you should start in the bakery so you can get your sea legs. Doctor, you can start in Work Force Control. If you do well, those areas might become part of your special symbol! Your special symbol is kinda like your cutie mark for the factory, if you were wondering. My second in command, Derpy, will show you to your rooms.”

A gray pegasus opened the door. Rainbow Dash and the Doctor followed her out.

As they were walking, the mare, Derpy, suddenly stopped, turning to them.

“What did you think of the spectra division?” she asked.

“What you are doing to these ponies is wrong!” Rainbow Dash yelled. “How could you?!”

Derpy sighed. “It is wrong,” she said, looking down. Then she looked them in the eyes and said “That’s why you’re going to help us stop it.”

Hooves grabbed Rainbow Dash and the Doctor from behind. A cloth was shoved to their mouths, and all was black.

Comments

[Thunder Lightning]

just too many of these stories, way too many

[Unstable Imagination]

Well, this story was pretty okay. The Doctor getting involved with the factory could make for an excellent plot, and it looks like it could be going places. However, other than that, this story was a bit... dry.

The plot, as good as it may be, must be executed properly to outcast it from the other stories that "The Rainbow Factory" story has manufactured... most of which, sad to say, are not quite as pleasing as the first (Sometimes, they're downright hard to read without flinching). Luckily, however, this story is far from as bad as the other stories that I've seen, but it could use a good tidying up. For instance, the progression of the story seemed way too fast, a common mistake among novice writer. In under a minute, Rainbow Dash was writing an entry down in her journal and the next second, she's at the factory.

To combat this, I would've suggested that you describe the Wonderbolts event in more detail than you had (Which was hardly anything) or cut it out all together. It's like a hangnail in this sense: a nuisance and useless. Also, put a bit more detail in each event taking place like how the Doctor came to visit. Describe his appearance a bit more, add more history in with Rainbow and him, things along that line.

On a more downbeat note, whenever you put in her diary entree, I suggest you italicize each word in there, so your readers don't get confused about where it begins and end (The beginning wasn't hard to distinguish; it was the end that got me).

All together, I suggest you clean this up a bit (Not too much to the point where readers can't even recognize it from before) and get yourself a proofreader and editor. Don't let this discourage you, however; I see some great potential in your writing!

May you never run out of fresh ideas! ~ Unstable Imagination

[Nerdy]

5603777 Thank you, Unstable. I will try to slow down as best I can without boring the reader. Thank you for understanding. In the next chapter, When Derpy interrogates Rainbow Dash and the Doctor, I'll try to add a lot of background and detail, while still edging the reader on. If you know any classes or chances on the internet I can join to help improve my writing, that would be great. If you keep reading it, I promise that you won't be disappointed.

~ Nerdy

[Unstable Imagination]

5603816
Glad you're going to continue it! I'll be tracking it to keep up with its progress. If you want, I can help with proofreading or editing until you can find some who is better qualified for it than me.

~ Unstable Imagination

[Nerdy]

5603829 Thank you. That would be nice. to access the next chapter, the password I put in to read it is Nerdy. I will tell you when I finish writing it. Thanks again!

~ Nerdy

[Compass The Pegasus]

5603844

Like everyone else said, Rainbow factory is waay too overused although the Doctor could make it interesting if done correctly.

[Hatty_Hattington]

Why does this exist?
---

Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN THE RAINBOW FACTORY!!

Ya' don't say?

Rainbow Dash closed her book, Daring Do and the Griffon’s Goblet. She stretched out onto the soft cloud bed, grabbed her notebook, and began to write.

Points for creating an original title, minus points for putting it in an unoriginal story

May 18
Just read Griffon’s Goblet for the seventh time.

Jesus

It reminded me of that time the Doctor took me to Zebrica, 1854, and we accidently started the Second Zebra War, then ended it.

Well then, It might have been a while since I really watched DW, but last I remembered the Doctor wasn't much of a war mongerer.

She grinned, put her notebook away, and zoomed out of the house.

Why?

On the ground, behind Sugar Cube Corner, was a blue police box.

How did she know that?
Does Rainbow has a sixth sense, or omnipotence?

“DOCTOR!” Rainbow Dash yelled. She flew right into the Time Pony and gave him a hug. The Doctor hugged back.

Fun fact, the "Doctor" never took the Hippocratic oath.

“Hello, Dashie!” He said. “Have I got a surprise!”

More brutal and bloody wars that they will spontaneously start and stop

The Doctor hurried over to the console, and grabbed something, showing it to Rainbow Dash.

The skulls of his greatest enemy?

“WONDERBOLTS TICKETS!!!”

Close 'nuff

How in Equestria did you get it?”

The exchange of the Equestrian Legal Tender at a licensed vendor

I can get anything. Andiamo!” (That’s ‘let’s go’ in Italian)

I am at least 97% sure that the Andiamo and quick explanation after it was arbitrary

The familiar groan of the TARDIS soothed Rainbow Dash,

Did it really groan?
I always thought it was more of a whoosh whoosh

It was her hometown, Cloudsdale. This should have made Rainbow Dash even more excited, but the thing was, The Doctor was an earth pony. He was standing right outside the exit to the Tardis.

OH NO, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN, THE SUSPENSE IS LITERALLY KILLING ME!

“Doctor, wait!” Rainbow Dash called. The Doctor stepped out onto the clouds. He didn’t fall.

HUWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

“Cloud walking potion,” The Doctor said. “We need to get some more. Here, K9!” A robotic dog wheeled out of the Tardis, slightly hovering as to not fall through the clouds.

Again, even more pointless filler. That little segment served no purpose.

Dashie, do you know where the closest apothecary is?”
“Right over here,” Rainbow Dash said,

Equestria isn't that primitive, they do have forms of modern technology, so more than likely that would be a Pharmacist, not an Apothecary.

“I’m the Doctor,”

Prove it, show us yer' degrees

“Felix, what is this?” the Doctor asked, pulling the paper off and handing it to Felix.

Don't pull it down, that's rude

“That’s the new Rainbow Factory,”

What happened to the old one?

“That’s where they create rainbows.

REALLY?!
I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED!

They have a drain that leads down to the sewer, but the thing is, a lot of the time, its red.

More like, the Edgy Factory, ammirite?

What’s even creepier, I took some of it to take a sample, and the thing was? It matched DNA of a Pegasus that went missing right after the Rainbow Factory opened!”

Firstly, how exactly does an Apothecary, a medieval medical professional, have the ability to scrutinize and match DNA. Consistency is an awfully nice word used nowadays, you should look into this ludicrously nice word

“Now how in the world did a pegasus’s DNA end up in a drain?” The Doctor said.

How did Felix obtain the DNA in the first place, how did he separate it from the rest of the shit in the drain? HOW?

“Oh no, I know that look,” Rainbow Dash said.

The Doctor is thirsting for blood shed

Felix somehow knew it too,

How, he only just met the Doctor?

gave them the bottles free,

Is that with or without VAT

“We need to investigate,” The Doctor said. Rainbow Dash fixed him in a harsh gaze.

No, you WANT to investigate. Never has he NEEDED to pry his nose into others businesses.

“You promised me that we would go to the Wonderbolts show!” She said.

You expected honesty from a war criminal?

“Alright? So, come one! Andiamo, guys!”

There's only the two of them, does that really warrant "guys"

The Wonderbolts Air show was amazing. It was a show worth seeing. (Too bad you can’t!!! ).

How did they know that, they never went?
And what the fuck is this ""?

When they arrived, Rainbow Dash saw where they were. The Rainbow Factory!

Is that the new factory or the old one?

A gruff Griffon guard

Nice use of alliteration

“Sorry, folks, employees only from this point,” he said.
“That’s great!” The Doctor said. “Cause we want to become employees!”

I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to more.
---
So, in the end, the first chapter was god awful with many plotholes. I expect less from the second. My advice, don't base your story around a "Dark and edgy" concept that only appeals to die hard fans of that concept.

Here's your star, take it before I consider revoking it.

media.tumblr.com/3d48f53c99c22a0fa95439b5cd1f4126/tumblr_inline_mnozp19s0U1qz4rgp.png

[cherished]

When the Doctor and Rainbow Dash take a trip to a Wonderbolts show, they learn of the mysterious Rainbow Factory, and they have to investigate it! When they learn what happens in the factory, and meet the manager, Prince Spectra, the Resistance recruits them to help them stop Prince Spectra. But with the factory luring Rainbow Dash into it's clutches, can the Doctor save himself, the mare he loves, and all of Equestria?

OHHHH BOY
OHHHH BOY
OHHH BOY
ANOTHER ONE OF THESE!
TIME TO FUCKING BAWL MY EYES OUT!

No, Not from the story.
But because another one of these were made.
Fucking kill me already.

[Tinted Dawn]

Guys please shut up about Rainbow factory being over used! Most writers know that RF is over used but it gives new writers such as myself and Nerdy something to write about. And If you just wanted to click on the story to hate, Shame on you . If you give said writers of "Overused" story themes a chance we can create an amazing story; but what you guys do make it more difficult to write because you want it how you would write it. everyone has their own writing style if it means using an over used theme than that is their choice not yours. So if your gonna hate GO AWAY ! We can write what ever we want! So Stop hating. SO what if its over used, We can write it! once again. If you are gonna hate, Just don't click on the story and move on!

Please And Thank you! So plz Just shut up about over used storys

And Nerdy Great story Keep it up.

[Nerdy]

5621905 Thank you! I have a group that supports people like you and me, you should check it out!

[Tinted Dawn]

5621934 What group? if you don't mind me asking?

[Nerdy]

5621946 It is called Kindness to Newbies. The thing is, I don't know how to post the first story

[Tinted Dawn]

A green-yellow pegasus with a green mane trotted over to them. Her personal symbol was a rainbow colored knife with wings, and in the background, gears being hit by a whip.

BTW Woodentoaster is a guy he just uses the mares body form b/c he doesn't like the stallions blocky design