Chapter 1 (Edited)
"What we are trying to get for cutie marks again?" Sweetie Belle asked her fellow crusaders. They were currently walking through the Everfree Forest, in the middle of the night. The white unicorn was starting to get a little nervous.
"Monster Hunters!" Scootaloo said excitedly. She was the only one who thought this was a good idea.
"Ah dunno, Scoots. Everypony always tells us to stay away from th' Everfree. Are ya sure we should be doin' this?" Applebloom said, sounding uncertain.
The orange pegasus rolls her eyes, "We'll be fine! I mean we've been in here before." The other two fillies decided not to say anything about how they were almost turned to stone last time they were in here.
The trio stopped when they heard the sound of an animal wailing in terror. "Let's go! The monsters must be that way!" Scootaloo said, her wings fluttering with anticipation. The unicorn and earth pony reluctantly followed their eager friend. Sweetie Belle held a large net in her magic, Applebloom had a camera to take a picture of it, and Scootaloo just had her bare hooves. They quietly looked through the branches of a bush to see a manticore looking around with terror in its eyes.
"What do you think could scare a manticore like that?" Sweetie asked. The other two just shrugged and waited for their monster to appear.
A twig snapped behind them and they whip around ready to catch a monster (or scream and run away, which ever came first). "The net!" Applebloom shouted, signaling Sweetie to throw it.
"Hey!" A familiar scratchy voice says in annoyance. The crusaders see somepony trying to shake off the net.
"Rainbow Dash?!" They all cried, completely forgetting about the manticore behind them. Rainbow, however, knew it was there.
"Shh!" Dash hissed, shaking the net off. She looks through the bush before glaring at the crusaders. "What are you doing in here?" She asked quietly with a sharp edge. The fillies were in the way, and she needed them gone.
"Trying to get our monster hunter cutie marks," they said in sync.
Rainbow Dash sighed. "Get out of here. It's not safe," the crusaders groaned, "Maybe you can pull some late night pranks in town, just stay out of the forest okay?" Rainbow suggested.
The fillies looked at each other before taking a deep breath, "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PRANKSTERS YAY!" Rainbow winced and folded her ears back. She then quietly peered through the branches to make sure the manticore was still there. To her luck it was, and shrunk down in fear as it saw her.
"Hurry up and go before some monster comes and eats you." The crusaders ran off after saying a quick goodbye.
"Finally," Rainbow grumbled under her breath. She spread her wings which had shed their feathers and were now bat like. She flew into the clearing looking for the manticore, which had just tried to run. As she looked around, her coat turned dull until it was almost gray, her once-vibrant mane now as dull as stone. Her now-blood red eyes pierced the darkness as they landed on the cowering form of a once-terrifying manticore. She grinned, her fangs glinting in the pale moonlight, as she lunged for its neck.
What she didn't know was that the trio was still hiding in the bush, having back-tracked after making sure she didn't know they were still there. Their eyes were wide with horror as they watched the pegasus bite down on the manticore's neck, blood dripping down her chin. "Applebloom, hurry get a picture!" Sweetie whispered while Scootaloo stared ahead. Unfortunately, the flash caught the vampony's attention.
"RUN!!" They all three screamed. The monster's crimson eyes widened as she heard their voices. Rainbow Dash turned around to try and stop them.
"Wait!" She called, but they were already running out of the forest.
"Dammit..."
***
"MONSTER!!!!" Sweetie Belle yelled as they ran into town. Since it was Ponyville, that wasn't an uncommon thing to hear, so lights instantly turned on. Ponies rushed outside, looking around for the monster. One white unicorn with a two-toned, wild blue mane looked out the window. She noticed how the crusaders were coming from the Everfree. She also knew this was Dash's night to hunt.
"Dammit, you're usually better at this," Vinyl muttered to herself. She turned towards the doorway as she heard hoof-steps.
"What do you think it is Vinyl?" Asked her marefriend, a gray earth pony with a straight, black mane and a purple treble clef for a cutie mark.
The DJ held back a wince, "I'm sure it's nothing Tavi. They probably saw something and freaked out." Octavia nodded before walking outside with the unicorn. The town had gathered outside town hall to listen to the panicking fillies.
"Girls what happened?" Twilight asked calmly. She was almost certain it was nothing, seeing as these fillies were also known for pranks.
"W-w-we saw Dash i-in the forest a-and-" Scootaloo was shaking uncontrollably as were the other two.
"-she told us to leave a-a-and we did! B-but we went back and s-saw her." Sweetie Belle had started up after her friend, but she stopped, too. Seeing as she hadn't spoken yet, the other two looked towards their earth pony friend.
Applebloom glanced at her friends before she continued the story, "She looked completely different! H-her fur and mane were dull-" She was cut off by a new voice.
"Since when is my mane dull?" Everypony turned to look at Dash. She landed softly on the ground in the middle of the crowd next to the crusaders. They took a step back, eyeing her with fear.
"Wha' exactly happened out there RD?" Applejack asked her friend, some towns-ponies nodding, wanting to know as well. The earth pony looked between her friends and their sisters as she waited for an answer.
"I followed the crusaders into the forest and saw them about to trap a manticore. I stopped them, told them to go back to town, and made sure nothing was following them. They must have seen a shadow," Rainbow lied while Vinyl Scratch looked between her and the fillies. The unicorn knew what everypony else didn't.
"That's not true! You had red eyes and fangs!" The crusaders somehow all said at once. They were now glaring at Rainbow Dash, their fear momentarily forgotten. Although it quickly returned as the pegasus turned to look at them.
"You're just tired, it was your mind playing tricks on you." Twilight said.
"Come on, Sweetie, let's get you to bed." Rarity told her sister as she picked her up in her magic. The smaller of the two tried to protest, but eventually just let her sister take her home.
"You too, Applebloom," Applejack started nudging her sister towards the farm. Applebloom gave Scootaloo her camera and followed her sibling home.
"I-I'll walk you home Scootaloo," Fluttershy said softly and started nosing the arguing filly towards her house.
"Tomorrow I'll throw a 'Yay There Was No Monster!' party," Pinkie giggled as she bounced back to the bakery.
Soon, it was only Rainbow Dash and Vinyl Scratch left in the center of town."You should have been more careful, Dash," The DJ said, shaking her head. This wasn't the first time one of the two had been caught, but every time the problem was always solved quickly. "You probably just put us in even more danger than we already are! These are fillies we can't rid them like the we did to other ponies who have seen us."
"I was! They must have back-tracked right before I attacked it. Besides, everypony thinks they saw a shadow or something and overreacted."
"I realize that the hunger made you not think as clearly, but you still have to watch out for witnesses!" Rainbow folded her ears back and glared at her unicorn friend. Sometimes, she got on her nerves. She was right, but it made the pegasus aggravated to be scolded like a fledgling.
"Last time I checked, you weren't able to give me orders. But I'll be more careful, alright?" The pale unicorn rolled her eyes but nodded.
"See you later then," She turned and trotted towards her house.
Rainbow took flight, when she remembered the camera flash. "Oh well. It's not like I'll show up in my true form anyways." She shrugged as she landed on her doorstep.
So here it is! My first story. I'm only 15 and haven't written anything creative or any fanfiction in like two years so don't be harsh in the comments okay? If you have any ideas on how I can improve my story and/or writing please let me know! 
I would like to thank The Ponytail for helping me fix all my mistakes!
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Woooaaaah :o
This is awesome!
*Sits down, waiting for the next chapter*
This has the potential a great story! Love the first chapter and looking forward to the next!
You'll probably want to remove the italics command in the short description. The code doesn't work in it.
Storytelling-wise, this has a pretty interesting premise and is definitely a fic that I'll be keeping my eye on.
Mechanically, however... The punctuation leaves something to be desired at times and there are a couple of places where you switch verb tenses. I'm on my phone at the moment, but I would gladly point them out when I get access to a computer, if you give me the go ahead to.
That said, I'll repeat myself by saying that this has a lot of promise. Good luck on writing the rest of this tale!
The plotline his tons of potential, and definitely a very good chance to get big. The grammar is fair, but could use some reviewing ( if you need an editor, I'd be glad to help). Do you have much of it already planned, or was this spur-of-the-moment? Either way, I like it.
Dismissing the risk of exposure like that? Oh, Rainbow, I thought you would have learned about tempting fate by now.
I look forwards to seeing where this goes.
I'm fifteen two, so go slap yourself now!
Us fifteen year olds! WE CAN STILL DO GREAT THINGS!
"What are [we] trying to get for cutie marks again?"
blooding dripping down her chin.
The town had gathered outside town hall"Since [when] is my mane dull?"
Sometimes she go on her nerves.
I suggest you get a prereader or an editor, there is quite a lot of subtle mistakes like these. Otherwise it seems to be ok.
There a few places where words are missing...like the furst paragraph 'we' is missing.
Just read through what you have to find these silly mistakes, s'easy.
I'ma hit this with a fave and see where it goes.
5712271
Thanks for pointing that out! I'll fix it when I can
5711716
Thanks! Any help is welcome!
It was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, so I honestly thought I would only get one or two likes
5711391
I would be glad to get your help! As I said earlier I haven't written any stories in a couple years so I'm a little rusty.
I love the setup for this vamping story, it's well done, and has that special feeling I get whenever I find a really good story, which I have experience in.
5712781
This might be a rather long comment, so brace yourself. Also, I'll be highlighting tense changes with bold text.
There should be a comma after 'dunno' in the first sentence of the second paragraph and 'says' in the fourth. Also, you shift from past tense (said) in the first paragraph to present tense (says) in the second. Tense change like this is rather jarring and can easily put off readers, so stick with one tense.
There should be a comma after 'away.'
There should be a comma after 'shouts.'
Should be a comma after 'cried.'
Comma after 'wings.' Also, I'd change that 'her feathers' to 'their feathers.' It just sounds better to me.
Quite a bit here, in fact. There should be a comma after 'around' and 'grinned.' However, you're also missing some hyphens here, which I have highlighted with arrows and underlining... Mainly because nothing else really shows up due to their size. Also, it makes a face and that fact, rather sadly, amuses me.
You put 'blooding' in the second sentence where it should be 'blood.' There should also be a comma after 'Applebloom' in the third sentence and 'Unfortunately' in the final sentence.
There should be a comma after 'called' and, if you were going for an ellipsis after 'Dammit,' there should be another period.
There should be commas after 'Ponyville,' 'hear,' and 'outside.'
There should be a comma after 'friend' and 'stopped.'
The first sentence is missing a word, probably 'when' right after since. Also, while the reader already has a good idea as to who is talking before she's named in the third sentence, Dash being named and called 'her' should be switched between the second and third sentences.
There should be a comma after 'nodding.'
That last sentence feel really awkward. I'd re-write it as such: "I stopped them, told them to go back to town, and made sure that nothing was following them."
There should be a comma after 'on' and I'd recommend dropping either Sweetie or darling, as both make the sentence feel odd.
There should be a comma after 'you' and 'too.' That part in parentheses is completely unnecessary and makes it seem like you forgot about the camera and decided to throw that in.
There should be a comma after 'Soon,' 'careful,' and 'said.' The next two sentences... Honestly, they need a complete reworking. The third sentence could be made clear in a later sentence instead of what seems like a throwaway line in the first chapter. The last sentence completely abandons the rule of 'show, don't tell.' In other words, have her indicate this through action or speech, not exposition.
The first sentence can, and should, be rewritten. For example: "I realize that the hunger made you not think as clearly, but you still have to watch out for witnesses!" Also, the third sentence needs a comma after 'Sometimes' and 'go' needs to be 'got.'
There needs to be a comma after 'checked' and the dialogue would sound better if you put a 'But' before 'I'll' and dropped the 'though.'
Now, even after all of that, this was a rather nice read and I'm optimistic about the future of this story!
Awesome
5713508
Wow, I knew I was rusty, but I didn't think I was that rusty! Thanks for helping! Currently using my phone so I will fix those when I can get back to my computer.
5714045
Oh, you're very welcome. And don't worry too much, I'm just rather nitpicky. In fact, after rereading my own corrections I noticed places where I messed up my own sentences
Really strong start.
Keep this level up, and I don't think you'll have much to worry about.
I haven't read a single word yet, but I am betting this will be a good read.
Whoah Vinyl and Dashie?
Dis gon b gud
Also the part about Vinyl seems to go quite well with the Adapting to Night series... Hmmm...
Missing a 'when' there
*Looks at the title and description* Huh... *Puts the fic in his read later list* I'll start reading this when you have at least three more chapters up
This is good I will track it.
Since when is my mane dull
This is pretty good, I will be keeping an eye on this. Also you should never never give out your age online.
I like it, and I would love to see more added to it.