"Fairy tales are true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
One night she is in the Everfree Forest, and is followed by three fillies. They find out she is a vampony! So now she must convince her friends that she isn't dangerous. This might prove to be hard as three certain destructive fillies cause panic when they are around her.
(This is my first story and I haven't written any fan-fiction for a couple years now so please don't be rude. Any helpful comments are welcome though!)
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Woooaaaah :o
This is awesome!
*Sits down, waiting for the next chapter*
This has the potential a great story! Love the first chapter and looking forward to the next!
You'll probably want to remove the italics command in the short description. The code doesn't work in it.
Storytelling-wise, this has a pretty interesting premise and is definitely a fic that I'll be keeping my eye on.
Mechanically, however... The punctuation leaves something to be desired at times and there are a couple of places where you switch verb tenses. I'm on my phone at the moment, but I would gladly point them out when I get access to a computer, if you give me the go ahead to.
That said, I'll repeat myself by saying that this has a lot of promise. Good luck on writing the rest of this tale!
The plotline his tons of potential, and definitely a very good chance to get big. The grammar is fair, but could use some reviewing ( if you need an editor, I'd be glad to help). Do you have much of it already planned, or was this spur-of-the-moment? Either way, I like it.
Dismissing the risk of exposure like that? Oh, Rainbow, I thought you would have learned about tempting fate by now.
I look forwards to seeing where this goes.
I'm fifteen two, so go slap yourself now!
Us fifteen year olds! WE CAN STILL DO GREAT THINGS!
"What are [we] trying to get for cutie marks again?"
blooding dripping down her chin.
The town had gathered outside town hall"Since [when] is my mane dull?"
Sometimes she go on her nerves.
I suggest you get a prereader or an editor, there is quite a lot of subtle mistakes like these. Otherwise it seems to be ok.
There a few places where words are missing...like the furst paragraph 'we' is missing.
Just read through what you have to find these silly mistakes, s'easy.
I'ma hit this with a fave and see where it goes.
5712271
Thanks for pointing that out! I'll fix it when I can
5711716
Thanks! Any help is welcome!
It was a spur-of-the-moment kind of thing, so I honestly thought I would only get one or two likes
5711391
I would be glad to get your help! As I said earlier I haven't written any stories in a couple years so I'm a little rusty.
I love the setup for this vamping story, it's well done, and has that special feeling I get whenever I find a really good story, which I have experience in.
5712781
This might be a rather long comment, so brace yourself. Also, I'll be highlighting tense changes with bold text.
There should be a comma after 'dunno' in the first sentence of the second paragraph and 'says' in the fourth. Also, you shift from past tense (said) in the first paragraph to present tense (says) in the second. Tense change like this is rather jarring and can easily put off readers, so stick with one tense.
There should be a comma after 'away.'
There should be a comma after 'shouts.'
Should be a comma after 'cried.'
Comma after 'wings.' Also, I'd change that 'her feathers' to 'their feathers.' It just sounds better to me.
Quite a bit here, in fact. There should be a comma after 'around' and 'grinned.' However, you're also missing some hyphens here, which I have highlighted with arrows and underlining... Mainly because nothing else really shows up due to their size. Also, it makes a face and that fact, rather sadly, amuses me.
You put 'blooding' in the second sentence where it should be 'blood.' There should also be a comma after 'Applebloom' in the third sentence and 'Unfortunately' in the final sentence.
There should be a comma after 'called' and, if you were going for an ellipsis after 'Dammit,' there should be another period.
There should be commas after 'Ponyville,' 'hear,' and 'outside.'
There should be a comma after 'friend' and 'stopped.'
The first sentence is missing a word, probably 'when' right after since. Also, while the reader already has a good idea as to who is talking before she's named in the third sentence, Dash being named and called 'her' should be switched between the second and third sentences.
There should be a comma after 'nodding.'
That last sentence feel really awkward. I'd re-write it as such: "I stopped them, told them to go back to town, and made sure that nothing was following them."
There should be a comma after 'on' and I'd recommend dropping either Sweetie or darling, as both make the sentence feel odd.
There should be a comma after 'you' and 'too.' That part in parentheses is completely unnecessary and makes it seem like you forgot about the camera and decided to throw that in.
There should be a comma after 'Soon,' 'careful,' and 'said.' The next two sentences... Honestly, they need a complete reworking. The third sentence could be made clear in a later sentence instead of what seems like a throwaway line in the first chapter. The last sentence completely abandons the rule of 'show, don't tell.' In other words, have her indicate this through action or speech, not exposition.
The first sentence can, and should, be rewritten. For example: "I realize that the hunger made you not think as clearly, but you still have to watch out for witnesses!" Also, the third sentence needs a comma after 'Sometimes' and 'go' needs to be 'got.'
There needs to be a comma after 'checked' and the dialogue would sound better if you put a 'But' before 'I'll' and dropped the 'though.'
Now, even after all of that, this was a rather nice read and I'm optimistic about the future of this story!
Awesome
5713508
Wow, I knew I was rusty, but I didn't think I was that rusty! Thanks for helping! Currently using my phone so I will fix those when I can get back to my computer.
5714045
Oh, you're very welcome. And don't worry too much, I'm just rather nitpicky. In fact, after rereading my own corrections I noticed places where I messed up my own sentences
Really strong start.
Keep this level up, and I don't think you'll have much to worry about.
I haven't read a single word yet, but I am betting this will be a good read.
Whoah Vinyl and Dashie?
Dis gon b gud
Also the part about Vinyl seems to go quite well with the Adapting to Night series... Hmmm...
Missing a 'when' there
*Looks at the title and description* Huh... *Puts the fic in his read later list* I'll start reading this when you have at least three more chapters up
This is good I will track it.
Since when is my mane dull
This is pretty good, I will be keeping an eye on this. Also you should never never give out your age online.
I like it, and I would love to see more added to it.
It's rather sad to hear that you've cancelled this as it had an interesting premise and I was looking forward to seeing where you took it, but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't had moments like that. Ah, technology. It really lets you know your place when you start to take it for granted, huh?
Anyways, I will definitely waiting for your next story. You have a lot of potential and I'm sure that you'll do really well!
Well, that's a pity.
Still, tech huddles like that happens, and at least it's a better end than just lost interest.
Don't worry about it. Heck it's not your fault that happened. It's not like you asked your computer to crash. In any case I'll be waitin' to c what else come up with. :)
Kind of glad that I didn't start to read this story, the cancellation would've been like a kick in the gut to me. I cannot stand it when authors don't finish their work, but I'll make an exception here, just for you.
This is the first time that I have run into an author with this problem and I know how technology can do stupid stuff when least expected. I would also like to encourage you to please backup your stories on a Google docs or something of the sort, so that if your computer crashes again you don't lose all of your work.
I'll keep an eye out for your next story though.
Well buck, and it was off to such a good start... Oh well, if what you are telling is true, then I guess I can understand your desire to just abandon it. Hovewer if I was truly interested in something I wouldn't give up so easily (at least I don't think I would) =P
It's just that I've seen premises like this used as an excuse to postpone or cancel a story. "Computer crashed, I don't have the files since using Gdocs is too difficult, I don't even remember what I was going or did write"... You have to agree that it sounds kinda fishy. How can you not remember the direction you intended your story to go? If you ever had one, I would really like to hear it so I could give this piece a closure.
This being said, if this is just an excuse, then I'm disappointed but still can understand your reasoning since I quit after writing my only story.
I wish you good luck in the future, have a nice day.
well shits happens and we can't do shit about it so i don't hate because i know how it is
Its for situations like this that I absolutely recommend keeping a backup plan. Dropbox and Google Drive are excellent for this purpose. Writing your stories with Google Docs isn't a bad choice either.
Use google drive when you're writing, it saves automatically and it means if your PC crashes you won't lose your work.
I lost a ton of my work yesterday, I didn't give up. I continued with what I remembered, I don't hate you for not continuing this story. I'm just sad.
That is a shame; it really is. This fic had so much potential and I was happy when I found it because it was exactly one of the things that I have been looking for.
just out of interest what word processing software are you using? most word processing software well save a back up of your current project every 10 to 15 minutes in case something like that happens so there might be some back up files still on your hd, unless you had to format your hd or factory reset your pc.
So you quit just because you lost your data? There is a word for this, lazy.
6187365
ay don't say that thats think of it like a game you've played for over 5 months and you have a lot of stuff then you die to some tiny monster you just lose all interest to play it at least for a while. also don't say stuff like that when your guilty too. Hows Dead Loyalty looking for you?
10300657
You're about half a decade too late to this for this.
10300697
yep welp i'm not the fastest out there but what you said wasn't nice figured id at least say something.
10300941
Yea you're right.