Eighth Chapter - ...The Party Got Too Wild
Money Bags’ eyes opened wide, his ears perked up, and his teeth bared. The wording wasn’t merely aesthetic—it didn’t look like he was doing any of that; it looked like his eyes, ears, and teeth had developed sentience and moved on their own. The effect more or less was Money Bags looking like a really ugly mannequin made by a blind kid. Coincidentally, it also made him look absolutely livid. “I remember that!” he yelled, pointing at Twilight. “You zapped me right in the face! It hurt like hell!”
“OH MY CELESTIA YOU ZAPPED ME RIGHT IN THE FACE! IT HURTS LIKE HELL!” Money Bags screamed, rolling on the floor with his hooves pressing against his eyes.
“It felt like my face was melting!” Money Bags continued.
“IT FEELS LIKE MY FACE IS MELTING!” Money Bags yelled next.
“It was extremely uncomfortable!”
“THIS IS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE!”
Silence.
Money Bags smirked. “Dang, I’m awesome at narrating. You should learn from me, Princess.”
Twilight rolled her eyes so hard one could only see white. “Sure,” she said. “I’d take notes, but I’m tied to a chair.”
“Yeah. Because I’m so good.”
“Sure you are.”
“Anyway!” Money Bags shook his head and his smirk disappeared. “You zapped my face! And it hurt!”
“Yes, pretty sure we’ve already established that fact, Money Bags.”
“Don’t think for a single second I’ve forgiven you!” he continued, pointing at her horn again. “I’ll have my revenge! And it will probably have something to do with your face!”
“Oh, no. I’m so terrified.” Twilight sighed. “Anyway, so yes, I zapped you. Zapped you like nopony had ever zapped you before, apparently. And then I ran away. It looked like the best course of action at the time, I’m fairly sure you can understand.”
“Hm.” Money Bags crossed his forelegs. “I don’t really remember what happened afterwards,” he said, biting his lip. “Everything was blurry for a while, and then somepony helped me get up…”
“Well, I’m good at stunning ponies,” Twilight said. “This is what happened next…”
The fact that the nobleponies didn’t act like usual might have been brought to someone’s attention, but like everything in this world, it had an explanation. Under normal circumstances, after witnessing the scene that had just taken place at Twilight’s table, the nobleponies would all have tried to zap each other’s faces and then run away, because it’s a widely known fact that Nature wants them all dead.
However, that was not the case, and it all was thanks to Pinkie Pie.
Now, credit where credit is due: if one needs somepony to analyze a situation and wing a plan on the fly in less than three seconds, Pinkie Pie is the perfect choice. Mostly because she won’t bother trying to think about anything. She’ll just do whatever she finds more fun or more likely to cause property damage.
Rarity, Applejack, Pinkie, and Dash were just returning to normal—getting used to having just one brain and a more normal number of legs once more—when the curtains opened and the spotlights blinded them all.
But of course, that didn’t startle Pinkie. Nothing in Equestria can startle Pinkie Pie. If she looks startled, she’s just acting for the sake of a funny reaction. That’s a mare whose first reaction after discovering that the entire world was ending was to have a chocolate bath and be part of the stupidity. The rest of the group was still blinking in a dumb way, trying to understand what had happened, when Pinkie walked towards the microphone in the center of the stage and tapped it to see if it was working.
It was. She looked at the audience and grinned.
“Hel-lo everypony!” she said with her Serious Voice. It was exactly like her normal voice, but a little more serious. Just a little bit, though. Like a cake with a slightly frowny face painted on it—still able to make a little kid smile. “I’m glad to have you all here tonight. We’re the…!” She turned around. Plop! Plop! Plop! “Put them on!” she whispered before turning to the microphone again. “Ahem! We’re the Top Hatters! Princess Twilight herself brought us here! We’re not suspicious, and neither is she!”
Silence.
Pinkie looked at her friends. “I think they’re buying it!”
And the thing is—they were. The words “Princess Twilight brought us” had been a stroke of genius on Pinkie’s part; every single noblepony was looking at them, paying them all the attention they had.
Nopony bothered to look at Money Bags, who was still screaming on the floor. Not out of malice, of course—it’s just that nobleponies aren’t able to focus on more than one thing at once.
“My, the Top Hatters! Of course!”
“They’re not suspicious at all, no siree!”
“I’ve always loved their music. The Princess and I have so much in common!”
“Isn’t that the Pfrench bodyguard?”
“I knew she looked familiar!”
“I FEEL NOTHING BUT SHEER HATRED AND PAIN!”
“I’m so looking forward to whatever the hay they usually do.”
“Oh, yeah!” Pinkie said, looking at her friends with a huge grin. “They like us!”
Silence.
“Okay,” Dash said, still blinking at the lights. “So. What the heck is happening and where the heck are we.”
“We’re the Top Hatters!” Pinkie repeated. “Twilight escaped from Money Bags, and we need to entertain the nobleponies while she does something!”
Silence.
“Okay,” Dash said, still blinking at the lights. “So. What the heck is happening and where the heck are we.”
“WE’RE MUSICIANS NOW!” Pinkie yelled, punching the air. “Now go and act the part! Come on, come on, come on! I’ll be the singer, you grab any instrument and start playing! And put those top hats on!”
“But—”
“There’s no time for buts, Dash!” Pinkie interrupted, shoving the top hat on her head. “The nobleponies are getting impatient and confused!”
“I’m impatient and confused!” a noblepony screamed.
“AND I’M SUFFERING HORRIBLE ANGUISH!”
“See?” Pinkie pointed at the nobleponies. “See?!”
“Uh—wait!” Rarity shook her head. “Girls, we better listen to her, she sounds like she knows what she’s doing.”
“Gee, thanks, Rarity!” Pinkie grabbed the mic once more. “One second, everypony!” she said. “This is just our traditional internal struggle before any performance! Totally Canterlot stuff! Avant-garden and whatever!”
“Um.” Rarity walked to the microphone. “She means avant-garde, of course. Right out of, uh, Pfrench. That’s how Pfrench ponies do concerts. Oh lá lá.”
“I’m slightly less impatient and confused!” the same noblepony screamed.
“I’M STILL IN HORRIBLE PAIN!”
“There.” Rarity moved away from the microphone and looked at her friends. “That should do it. Pinkie, I think I’m in. However...”
“Yes!” Pinkie picked the second top hat from the floor and threw it to Applejack. “There we go!”
“However,” Rarity repeated, “I don’t think you should sing.”
Pinkie blinked. “What? But the plan was mine! I wanna sing!”
“Yes, but do you remember the Grand Galloping Gala?” Rarity looked at the nobleponies and bit her lip. “Trust me: I know how their minds work, and they won’t like anything remotely cheery!”
Pinkie tapped her chin twice. “Hmm… I can try a sad polka then!”
“Does that even exist? Ah don’t think that’s something that exists,” Applejack muttered, putting her top hat on. “Pinkie, you should do what Rarity says. She knows better when it comes to fancy things.”
“But you don’t get it, Applejack!” Pinkie said, making a pout. “I want to sing! I love to sing in front of big audiences! This has been my dream for so long I can’t even rememb—woah hey are those drums? DIBS ON THE DRUMS!”
Nyyyom!
“HEY LOOK! THEY EVEN HAVE DRUMSTICKS!” Pinkie yelled from the drums, holding the two sticks in one hoof. Because Pinkie had adhesive hooves now, apparently. “THIS IS SO COOL!”
Silence.
“Well, that’s one more problem solved by mindlessly hitting something with a stick,” Rarity muttered.
“Ah can’t believe how versatile those old timey solutions are,” Applejack agreed. “Ah also solved Apple Bloom’s infatuation with lesser fruits that way. Goes to show the wisdom of the elders, huh.”
Dash blinked. “Lesser fruits?”
“Ain’t no sister of mine is gonna enjoy them pears,” Applejack said, almost spitting.
“Yes, yes, folksy wisdom is amazing,” Rarity said, peeking at the audience. “Now hush! We can’t chitchat for long!” She looked around, at the many instruments surrounding them. “Ah! A piano! I can improvise a little bit with the piano! You girls go and follow my lead!”
“Sure thing! Ah’ll take this banjo.” AJ said, picking up the classiest banjo any of them had ever seen. Gold inlays, high-quality wood… It still smelled like old cows and manure, of course, because that’s a given with banjos, but it still managed to look fancy. “Dash, you sing whatever comes to mind! Come on, we gotta hurry!”
“Wait. Wha—no! ” Dash yelled, eyes opening wide. “What on Equestria are you saying?! I’m horrible at making up lyrics on the fly, and you know it!”
“We need a singer, and if Ah’m gonna have to improv, Ah can’t multitask! Ah mean, come on! Singin’ and playin’ the banjo at the same time? What do you think Ah am, a girl?”
“PRETTY LITERALLY, YES!”
“Well yeah, fair point, but you still gotta sing!” AJ waved a hoof at her. “Come on!”
“But…!” Dash looked around, biting her lip. “Look, there’s an electric guitar right here! Can’t I just play that and—”
“Dash!” Rarity said from the piano, frowning, “shut up and sing!”
“But I can’t just sing like that! That’s a Pinkie thing!”
“Then channel your inner Pinkie or something!” Rarity replied. Then she looked at the others. “Ahem. Are you ready, girls?”
“Totally!”
“Yeah!”
“DEFINITELY NOT!”
“THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS LIFE BUT PAIN AND ALL OF IT IS IN MY FACE!”
“I don’t know who that one was, but I’ll take it as a yes!” Rarity said. “One, two, three, four!”
And then the music started.
Twilight was vaguely aware of this scene while she was running away from Money Bags and the nobleponies, just enough to realize Pinkie had everything under control. Sort of.
So, there was no real reason for her to get away from there—Pinkie was making up an excuse for them being there already—but after zapping somepony in the face, fleeing was kind of the go-to reaction. Money Bags might be stupid in some ways, but he was still dangerously sharp when it mattered, and she knew for a fact that it was better to run away.
Plus, she rationalized as she kept running and running, Dash and the others clearly didn’t want to be on the stage, judging by their reactions. True, Pinkie looked more comfortable than a fish in the biggest ocean in the world, but Pinkie deviated so far from normal standards that Twilight was starting to suspect she wasn’t even a pony.
So, if they were on the stage against their will, they had messed something up. Common sense. Also, wait a second—Dash and Rarity weren’t supposed to even get close to that part of the casino. What on Equestria had happened, exactly? And where was Fluttershy?
“Oh, dear,” Twilight muttered to herself, shaking her head like an old teacher who just discovered nopony in the class had done the homework. “This is going to be a doozy to fix, isn’t it?”
She’d been running along the stage without even noticing—which meant that she was getting to the exact opposite side of where she started. A side that just happened to have a door to actually enter the stage, which stood next to the bathroom door and the door to the private part of the casino.
And twenty-one angry and very confused guards, some of them still screaming about spiders, bitterly wondering where had the spiders gone.
Silence.
Twilight stood there, staring. Some of the guards stared back, and the bitter mutters stopped.
More silence.
“Oh, hey,” one of the guards said, “I don’t know why, but I feel like getting married now!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Woah, she’s running away?”
“That probably means she’s dangerous! GET HER!”
“But she’s a princess!”
“Doesn’t that mean she’s even more dangerous?”
“Flawless logic! Will you marry me, by the way?”
“Oh, darling, I thought you’d never ask!”
“I SAID GET HER!”
By the time the guards finally got back on their feet, however, Twilight was already back at the restaurant, with the nobleponies. It’s amazing how fast one runs when scared out of her mind.
But, scared as she was, even she had to stop for a second to do a double take at what the ever-loving ponyfeathers her friends were doing.
Weird as it might be, Pinkie Pie wasn’t at fault at all here. Turns out she was actually rather competent at the drums, and she was keeping it simple—an easy one-two-three rhythm.
No, Pinkie was not the bad guy here. The ones turning the entire thing into the trainwreck of the century were Rarity and Applejack.
Now, Rarity hadn’t lied or anything. Far from it, in fact. She did know how to play the piano. And she also managed to improvise and sound nice. The only problem was that she managed it via playing in the jazziest way possible… Which means it wasn’t good jazz at all; it was the kind of nippy music that goes chas chas and makes ponies crave having fingers so they can snap and be like “No, you don’t get it, you’re supposed to listen to the notes they aren’t playing, it’s an acquired taste, uh-hm, this is real music” and so on.
Which would have been nice, or at least not awful, if it wasn’t for the fact that apparently Applejack had no freaking idea what jazz was, because the mare had thought something like “Well, Ah never! This ain’t no music, this sounds like a bag o’ rattlesnakes thrown into a fireplace! Ah’ll show ’em what real music is!”
And there she was! Rocking that banjo like there was no tomorrow! To say that she was playing country would be an understatement; she was playing the kind of music that makes one go “Darn tootin’”, slap their knee, and then spit on the ground. It was the kind of music that can only be sung with a stalk of hay in the mouth, the kind of sound in which every single note sounds like thwang, no matter what the musician is doing.
So on the one hand there was jazz level “It’s not old, it’s vintage” and on the other hand there was country level “Look, Ah’m just sayin’ inbreedin’ ain’t THAT bad”, with some mneh-inducing drums thrown into the mix, too.
The result was the auditory equivalent of a seeing a baby slowly starve to death.
And then, of course, there was Dash’s singing.
“Uh, ah, um, soooo uh thiiiis iiiiiiis, ah, a-a soooong that I’m siiinging and I seeeeriously think Pinkie Pie should be doing this insteeeaaaaaad!”
A pause.
“And oh-oh-my-gooooosh girls this is seriously not wo-o-o-o-orking.”
A pause.
“Like, at aaaaaaaall. I seriously meeaaaan it. We look like iiiiiiidiiooots.”
“AT LEAST TRY TO RHYME, YOU FEATHERBRAIN!”
Dash turned around and looked at Applejack, who was looking at her with an expression one usually only sees in rattlesnakes thrown into fireplaces. There was a little bit of foam on the sides of her mouth.
On the other hand, Pinkie was happily drumming and having a great time on her own, and Rarity didn’t seem to care about anything but the notes she herself was playing. So there was seething rage, wishful ignorance, and uptight apathy. A very good representation of how hillbillies, partygoers, and hipsters feel about music, all in all.
“AJ, this is kind of hard, okay?!” Rainbow hissed, still holding the microphone right next to her mouth. “I’m serious; I’m really not comfortable doing this! Besides, weren’t we, like, supposed to hide? Because we’re not exactly keeping a low profile here, if you want me to be honest—”
“BUT DON’T STOP SINGING!”
“THIS IS KIND OF HAAAAAAAAARD AND I’M REAAALLY NOT COMFORTAAAAABLE DOING THIIIIII—!
“THEN TRY HARDER!”
“I CAN’T RHYME FOR MY LIFE, I TOLD YOU I WASN’T THE ONE MEANT FOR THIS JOB! I mean, for this jooooob. Woooo.”
“THEN TRY SOMETHING ELSE!”
Silence.
Dash licked her lips. “Um. Okay, I got this. Ahem: yoodel-eeh-del-eeh-hee-hoo, del-eeh-hee-hoo, del-eeh-hee—”
“YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDIN’ ME!”
Dash frowned. “I’M OUT OF IDEAS, OKAY?! Hee-hoo.”
“BUT DON’T KEEP YODELLIN’, YOU DUMB SACK OF—”
“WELL MAYBE IF YOUR BANJO DIDN’T SOUND LIKE A DYING DOG, MY YODELLING WOULD FIT OUR SONG BETTER!”
“EXCUSE YOU, MY BANJO IS AMAZIN’!”
“YEAH, AMAZINGLY BAD!”
Silence.
“You still need to work on those comebacks, Dash.”
Dash rolled. “Shut up. Also, YOUR BANJO IS HORRIBLE!”
AJ gasped and took a step back. “OKAY!” she said. “THAT’S IT! DARN TOOTIN’, I’MMA SHOW YOU WHAT REAL MUSIC IS! BANJO SOLO!”
It was Dash’s turn to open her eyes wide this time. “OH, CELESTIA, NO! THIS IS ALREADY HORRIBLE ENOUGH AS IT IS. APPLEJ—”
THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG.
“SWEET BABY LUNA HOW ON EQUESTRIA DID YOU MANAGE TO MAKE THE MUSIC EVEN WORSE?! YOU’RE LITERALLY THE STUPIDEST PONY I’VE EVER—”
This was the moment Twilight came in, running from the guards.
“SORRY, AH CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY SOLO!” THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. “NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE AH SAVE THIS SONG!” THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. “AH’M SO GOOD!”
“OH, NO, YOU’RE NOT COVERING MY VOICE WITH THAT! YODEL-EH-HEE-HOO, YODEL-EH-HEEE-HOOOOOOOOOO!”
Twilight just stood there, looking at her friends.
Applejack was strumming that banjo like there was no tomorrow, Dash was yodelling with the fury of a thousand suns, and Pinkie and Rarity were just ignoring them and doing their own thing.
Every single noblepony had the exact same expression as Twilight.
And then, it happened.
“Wait! Is that… Is that Princess Twilight?” a young noblemare asked. Incidentally, this was the same noblemare who had talked with Applejack a little while back, but there was no way Twilight would know this. “She’s back!”
Absolute silence.
THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG.
Well, almost absolute.
Every single noblepony turned to her, their faces so baffled one could barely recognize them as ponies. They looked like they’d just discovered death was inevitable. There was a spark of absolute, utter despair in their eyes.
Twilight gulped.
And then, very slowly, she raised a hoof and forced a smile. “Um. Woo-hoo,” she said, sweat pouring down her forehead. “This is my… jam?”
Silence.
THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG
The nobleponies looked at her. Then they looked at the band. Then back at Twilight.
Twilight gulped again.
And then the nobleponies went wild.
“WOOOOOO!”
“This song is amazing!”
“This is the greatest music I’ve ever heard!”
“I think my eardrums exploded, but this is still pretty nice! Also I need a doctor right now, I think I’m bleeding.”
“I LOVE THIS BAND!”
“TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS!”
Twilight shuddered at the sound of the cheers, and then wiped away her sweat. “Phew,” she said. “Dear Celestia, that was intense. At least now I have a couple moments to—”
And then Twilight saw the guards.
“Hey!” Dash turned around and looked at Pinkie and Rarity. “I think they like us now! Listen to them!”
There was no need for her to say that, of course. The cheers were as loud as nobleponies could get, which was pretty impressive, all things considered. Most of them were covering their screams of pain with cheers, though, which was probably the reason why the volume was so high. Pinkie’s grin was bigger than ever, and Rarity was still paying attention to absolutely nothing but her own piano, because when she got jazzy, she got jazzy hard.
“See?!” Applejack said, still ramming that banjo. THWANG THWANG THWANG THWANG. Yeah, exactly like that. “My banjo’s great!”
“Hah! Your banjo is the most horrible thing they’ve ever heard!” Dash replied, smirking. “What they like is my voice!” She turned to the audience. “Isn’t it right, folks?!”
“WOOOO!”
“WE’RE NOT REALLY SURE!”
“THE DRUMS ARE KIND OF ADEQUATE!”
“TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS! TOP HATTERS!”
“MY MOTHER JUST LOST CONSCIOUSNESS!”
“That’s right!” Dash said, nodding. “They love it! Woo-hoo!” She punched the air in front of her. “This is awesome! We should do this more oft—”
And then Dash saw the guards.
“Miss Summer Breath! Wait!” screamed the schoolfilly stallion.
Fluttershy couldn’t hear him. Not like she wanted to, of course, but even if she had tried her hardest to listen to the schoolfilly stallion, she would have found it impossible.
Mostly because she was running away from him, crying her eyes out, being as close to hysteria as Fluttershy could be. Her sobs were not only audible, but even noticeable. She had crossed a line at one point—there was only so much money a pony could win while trying to lose, and after a while, Fluttershy had lost her cool.
And Money Bags Casino had lost like three million bits or something, judging by the gargantuan bag of coins the schoolfilly stallion was carrying on his back. Let it never be said that this story doesn’t give credit when credit is due: the schoolfilly stallion was both obscenely strong and obscenely noble. Lesser ponies would have tried to run away with the bag, and then they would have broken their necks or something, because that thing probably weighed a ton and half.
So there they were: Fluttershy was running away, trying to get as far from that bag of money as possible, and the schoolfilly stallion was running after her because his mother had raised him well, darn it.
And then, Fluttershy tripped on something and fell to the floor, face-first and all. Whining a little, she rubbed her muzzle and fought back tears, and then the schoolfilly stallion got to her and helped her get up.
“Are you okay?” he asked, frowning. “Miss Summer Breath, you must—”
And then he stopped talking, because both he and Fluttershy noticed the latter had tripped over none other than Money Bags himself.
For a couple seconds, there was silence. Aside from the THWANG THWANG THWANG and the cheering nobleponies, of course.
Then Dash blinked. “THE GUARDS!” she yelled, pointing at them.
“THE GUARDS!” Twilight yelled too, almost at the same time.
“THE TERRORISTS!” one of the guards screamed.
“GIRLS!” Fluttershy squeaked.
“MONEY BAGS!” the schoolfilly stallion said.
“MONEY BAG!” Applejack yelped, pointing at the schoolfilly stallion.
“MY DRESS!” Rarity roared, looking at Twilight.
“A RANDOM MARE!” the guard Shy had bumped into exclaimed.
“MY FACE!” Money Bags whined.
“MISTER MONEY BAGS!” all the guards in the room screeched.
“THE PRINCESS DID THIS!” Money Bags hollered.
“GET HER!” one of the guards roared.
“SMOKE BOMBS!” Pinkie yelled.
Silence.
“Wait, wha—?”
And then Pinkie Pie threw, like, twenty smoke bombs at the ground.
What followed was enough chaos to make Discord proud. The entire room filled with white smoke, and for a minute or so, absolutely nopony could see anything. Celestia knew what those bombs were made of, but everypony was pretty sure that legal, they were not.
There was nothing but tears and coughs and screams for a couple minutes. Some ponies tried to run away, some ponies tried to understand what had just happened, and more or less everypony failed in doing whatever they tried to do.
When the smoke finally faded, the nobleponies were still standing there, the guards were still baffled, Money Bags was still whining about his face, and Dash, Applejack, and Pinkie were still on the stage.
Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight were gone.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Twilight screamed as she ran away from the stage once more, showing her incredible dialectic abilities. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” she continued. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” she finally added, to give it the final touch.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA—oh, Fluttershy!” Twilight’s face lit up as she saw the mare running right next to her. “You ran in this direction too?”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Hahah! What a wonderful coincidence!” Twilight continued. “Are you okay? Did you get hurt, or—”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Oh. Right, we’re running.” Twilight nodded. “We should concentrate on—”
“TWILIGHT SPARKLE!”
Both Twilight and Fluttershy flinched and looked back. A figure that looked a lot like Rarity came out of the white smoke cloud, baring her teeth like a crazy tiger.
“Rarity!” Twilight said, smiling again and slowing down a little. “I’m so glad to see you! Are you oka—”
“WHAT! DID! YOU! DO! TO! MY! DRESS?!”
Silence.
Twilight blinked. “Um. I had a little bit of trouble with the whimsical butterflies?”
“COME HERE RIGHT NOW!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Twilight had never run so fast in her entire life.
Dash looked at the audience as the smoke disappeared. There were some coughs here and there, but everypony was getting their breath back pretty fast now. Most of the guards were looking at her with bloodshot eyes.
Silence.
By Rainbow’s side, Applejack tossed the banjo aside and cracked her neck. “Well,” she muttered. “Ah see… Twenty-one guards?”
“More or less, yes,” Dash said, nodding.
“And they’re all lookin’ at us funny.”
“Indeed.”
“GET THEM!” Money Bags screamed, still on the floor. “GET THEM ALL! THE TERRORISTS! PRINCESS TWILIGHT! ALL OF THEM!”
“Hmm.” Applejack licked her lips. “And there’s three of us.”
“You really can count, yeah,” Dash said.
The guards were still staring. The nobleponies looked uneasy. Everypony was staring at them.
Silence.
“We should, like, stall them a little bit.” Applejack scratched her muzzle. “Y’know, so Twilight and the others can escape. That’s what friends do.”
“Couldn’t agree more.”
“WHAT THE CRABAPPLES ARE YOU WAITING FOR, YOU IDIOTS?! GET THEM!”
“Doesn’t seem like the odds are in our favor, does it?” AJ asked, turning to Dash. “You think we can handle them?”
“Oh, yes.” Dash waved a hoof. “We’re doing this. Two against twenty-one, we’re wearing top hats, they’re trained guards, we’re tired and smell like smoke… This is totally happening. We just need to make this cooler.” Then she turned around. “Pinkie?”
Pinkie leaped away from the drums and ran to Rainbow Dash. “Yes?”
Dash smiled and turned around. “We need this fight to be as awesome as possible if we want to kick their flanks. So…” She walked two meters to the right side, grabbed the electric guitar she had mentioned before, and tossed it to Pinkie. “Bring the thunder.”
Pinkie’s eyes lit up.
Money Bags screamed once more.
The guards roared and charged against the stage.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash roared and charged towards the guards.
Pinkie Pie strummed the first chord.
The fight began.
A couple minutes later, Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy were panting and sweating like cows in front of a weighing machine, safely hidden inside what Rarity had called a “safe haven.”
Well, not all of them were panting. Rarity was kind of screaming.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST DIDN’T BRING THE NECKLACE?!” she roared, the mirrors trembling at the sound of her voice. “TWILIGHT, I SPENT MONTHS DESIGNING THAT DRESS!”
“But…!” Twilight was pressing herself against the wall, trying to run away from Rarity. “But…! That necklace was really hard to tie by myself!”
“THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR HELP!”
“Applejack didn’t know how to tie it either! Plus, she has no magic so she can’t—”
“I WAS TALKING ABOUT SPIKE!”
Silence.
“Oh.” Twilight blinked. “Oh, right. Spike. Boy, I keep forgetting him lately, don’t I?”
“You kind of are,” Money Bags interrupted. “Isn’t he, like, incredibly useful in your daily life?”
“Eeeeeeh.” Twilight shrugged. “He kind of blends into the background.”
Silence.
Money Bags shrugged too. “Mneh. Fair point. Go on.”
“AND YOU JUST RANDOMLY CHOSE TO ABSOLUTELY DESTROY EVERYTHING THAT DRESS AND I STAND FOR, BECAUSE YOU FOUND IT TOO HARD?!”
“Look, Rarity, I’m really sorry, but I seriously think we should talk about other things right n—”
“OH NO, YOU’RE NOT ESCAPING THIS ONE! I’VE BEEN FORCED TO WALK UP A HUNDRED MILLION STAIRS JUST TO FOLLOW YOUR PLAN, SO NOW YOU’RE LISTENING TO ME!”
“Hey!” Twilight frowned. “My plan didn’t call for you to be up here! In fact, why are you and Dash…?”
“THAT IS NOT IMPORTANT! WE’RE TALKING ABOUT THE DRESS!”
“But…!”
“NO!”
“But…!”
“I SAID NO!”
Twilight whimpered and looked to Fluttershy. “A little help?” she muttered.
Fluttershy bit her lip and looked at Rarity.
Rarity glared back.
Silence.
“Um.” Fluttershy scratched the back of her neck. “Uh, I’m just… I’m going to check if any guards followed us.”
“FLUTTERSHY!” Twilight begged. “PLEASE!”
“OH, NO, YOU DON’T GO BLAMING HER, YOUNG LADY!” Rarity screeched. One of the mirrors broke. “DO YOU SERIOUSLY THINK YOU CAN DESTROY A FINE DRESS JUST LIKE THAT AND THEN HOPE FLUTTERSHY CAN HELP YOU?!”
“I’m just gonna take my leave here,” Fluttershy muttered, opening the door a little bit. “Are you sure they can’t enter here, Rarity?”
“Oh, of course not, darling. The door says ‘ladies’, doesn’t it?” Rarity smiled at her. “Are there any guards outside?”
“No.” Fluttershy scratched her nose and walked out of the bathroom. “I, um, I’m going to see how Dash and the others are doing, I guess,” she said before closing the door after herself. “You can, uh, go on.”
“NO! DON’T TELL HER TO GO ON! DON’T—!”
“THAT DRESS WAS CAREFULLY AND PAINFULLY SEWED BY HOOF, TWILIGHT, AND YOU ARE NOT DOING IT JUSTICE!”
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
“So your coward friend chose to go outside of the bathroom on her own mere minutes after walking in there?” Money Bags frowned and crossed his forelegs. “That doesn’t sound very logical.”
“I don’t think you are properly imagining the lecture Rarity gave me.” Twilight bit her lip and her ears went flat against her head. “It was really… something. However, Fluttershy came back very soon.”
“Um… Girls?” Fluttershy opened the door and peeked her head inside. “I think you should see this.”
“Hmm?” Rarity stopped yelling for a second and looked at her friend. “Can’t it wait? We’re a little bit busy here. Aren’t we, Twilight?”
Twilight, pale as a ghost and shaking like a leaf on a particularly chilly autumn morning, nodded.
“I… It can’t wait, sorry.” Fluttershy bit her lip. “It’s really important. Dash and Applejack are… Well. They’re still on the stage.”
“What?” Rarity cocked her head to the side and walked towards the door. “They didn’t run away?”
“Not really, no. Twilight?” Fluttershy looked at her. “You should come too.”
Twilight whimpered, still shaking.
Rarity turned around and squinted at her. “Twilight?” she asked, her voice as soft as the cheek of a very fat baby.
“YES, MA’AM!” Twi got up and ran towards the door. “SORRY! PLEASE DON’T SCREAM AT ME!”
“Atta girl.”
Fluttershy didn’t lead them very far. She merely walked a couple meters and pointed at the door that led backstage. “They, um, they’re still there.”
“Oh?” Rarity arched an eyebrow. “But what about the guards? And what about Pinkie?”
“Just… Just open the door.”
Rarity looked at Twilight, who flinched visibly. Rolling her eyes, Rarity grabbed the door handle and opened the door.
“DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO DO- DO DO-DO!”
PLAF!
BLAM!
PLOMPF!
“OH SWEET BABY CELESTIA, MY LEG!”
“DO DO DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO!”
Rarity closed the door.
Silence.
Rarity blinked. “That… Was that Pinkie playing the guitar?”
Fluttershy nodded. “Yes.”
“And singing?”
“Indeed.”
“And the nobleponies were doing the chorus.”
“They have a surprisingly good sense of rhythm,” Fluttershy said.
“Ah.” Twilight blinked. “I already knew that.”
“And Dash and Applejack were…”
“Fighting the guards,” Fluttershy finished. “While, uh. I think they were following Pinkie’s beat. And still wearing those top hats, for some reason.”
Silence.
The three mares looked at each other.
Rarity opened the door again.
“DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO!”
“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA IS THAT ALL YOU’VE GOT?!”
DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO, DO DO DO-DO DO-DO DO-DO!
BOUM!
CRACK!
SPLORCH!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGH! I THINK I CAN’T HAVE CHILDREN ANYMORE!”
Rarity closed the door.
Silence.
Rarity blinked. “Well, that scarred me for life. But hey, they’re having fun, and I believe that’s what really matters here,” she said. “Also remind me to never, ever anger Applejack again, because oh my dear Celestia.”
“Is it…?” Twilight squinted. “Is it legal to use teeth like that in a fight? I don’t think it’s legal to use teeth like that in a fight.”
“Pinkie was laughing,” Fluttershy said. “That’s what really scared me. She was laughing so hard. And the nobleponies were just following her, like…”
“Yes, I’m going to have so many nightmares after this,” Rarity said. “Princess Luna is in for a treat tonight. Anyway! So, the guards are being obliterated and our friends have apparently developed a taste for blood. That actually looks like a good situation to me!”
Twilight nodded. Color had come back to her cheeks, and she was trembling less now. “It is. Now we can—”
“Continue with my screaming!” Rarity finished, beaming. “Ahem. THAT DRESS IS MORE VALUABLE THAN YOUR ENTIRE HOUSE, AND YOU’RE MAKING IT LOOK LIKE A WEDDING CAKE!”
“That would actually explain why I suddenly feel so, uh, really happy all of a sudden,” Fluttershy muttered. “Rarity, do you feel like Celebrating our Friendship?”
“Later, darling. Ahem, as I was sayING, TWILIGHT SPARKLE, I HAVE—”
“Wait!” Twilight closed Rarity’s mouth with a hoof. “You can keep traumatizing me later, we need to get away from here, now!”
Rarity, hoof still on her mouth, squinted. “Wfll cffntfflfff thffs lfftffr, Twfflffght.”
“Absolutely, yes, whatever you said.” Twilight sighed. “Now, first things first: give me the documents. The sooner we finish this, the sooner we get out.”
Silence.
Twilight frowned. “What?” she asked as both Fluttershy and Rarity looked to the side. Rarity still had Twilight’s hoof in her mouth. “What?”
“Um.” Fluttershy looked at Rarity. “Uh, you tell her.”
“Thffs ffs bfftrffyffl!”
“What?” Twilight squinted. “What do you have to explain, exactly?”
“Thffs wffl bff fffsffr ff—ptoo!” Rarity shook her head and wiped her mouth. “Ugh. Twilight, what the hay have you done with that hoof?! It tastes like feet!”
“I kind of use it for walking.”
“Oh. Right. We’re quadrupedal.” Rarity frowned. “Ew.”
“How do you even know what feet are?” Fluttershy asked.
“Eh, I read some reaaaally weird romance novels in my youth.” Rarity waved a hoof. “It’s amazing how much you learn from those, though. Did you know ducks have some kind of corkscrew in their—”
“Rarity!” Twilight poked her on the chest. “Where is the document? You had one job, and that was to get that thing! The entire plan was built around you getting it! Where is it?!”
Silence.
Rarity licked her lips. “Well… Um. It’s kind of hard to explain, actually. Also, I blame Dash for it.”
“Rarity…”
“Like, I can’t stress enough just how much Rainbow Dash is to blame here.” She frowned. “The same Rainbow Dash who’s sweeping the floor with twenty-one bulky guards right now, by the way. Hmm.” She tapped her chin. “Maybe I should be a little nicer to her from now on…”
“Rarity!” Twilight yelled, poking her on the chest a little harder. “The document!”
“Ah. Yes.” Rarity licked her lips. “Well, um, everything was going fine and dandy first, right? We went to the sewers, and we stood right under Money Bags’ office, and we took the cake out, and everything was according to plan, and—”
“You totally forgot the document.”
“We absolutely forgot the document and I apologize profusely for it, yes. Also everything exploded.”
Silence.
Twilight sighed and ran a hoof through her mane. “You know, one would expect that by this point I’d be used to our incompetence. I am not.”
“I would take offense for that if it wasn’t for the fact that I just saw Dash and Applejack recreating the Manehattan Massacre, all by themselves, in what was supposed to be a stealth mission,” Rarity said.
“I tried to hide and I messed up so badly I turned into a millionaire,” Fluttershy replied. “So… I guess I agree. So, what do we do now?”
“Well.” Twilight frowned and scratched her chin and looked at Rarity. “Everything exploded, you say?”
“Parts of the office were intact, I guess,” Rarity said, shrugging. “I was not exactly okay down there, I don’t really remember anything.”
“Hm. That means we can’t lose hope yet,” Twilight said, smiling a little and grabbing her friends by their shoulders. “We’re the three smartest mares of the group, I’m sure we’ll come up with something! We need to be optimistic, girls!”
“Uh.” Fluttershy blinked and looked at Twilight. “Uuuuuh. That wasn’t a really nice thing to say, Twilight.”
“Oh, please, Fluttershy.” Rarity waved a hoof. “We all know she’s right, we’re comparing ourselves to Rainbow Dash and Applejack here!”
“What about Pinkie?”
“She’s the odd one out. Anyway!” Rarity shook her head. “Twilight is right! We can still solve this! The guards are not a problem anymore, are they? That means there’s nothing in our way!”
“Indeed!” Twilight said.
“I don’t get why are you insulting our friends,” Fluttershy said.
“And as long as the plan doesn’t involve those stupid stairs, I’m completely—”
“The first step is us going downstairs and then probably up again!” Twilight chirped.
“Ponyfeathers.”
“HOO-HAAAAAAH!”
PLAF!
And with that kick, the last guard fell down, and Pinkie strummed the last chord of her song.
Silence.
Rainbow Dash relaxed her shoulders, wiped the sweat off her forehead and looked at Applejack. “Is it over?” she asked.
AJ nodded and smiled at her. “Reckon so.”
They were surrounded by knocked out guards, all of them neatly piled on the ground in groups of three. There was no real reason for them to be like this, of course, but Applejack and Dash had felt like having a little bit of fun while fighting.
Amazing how much better one feels after a good ol’ fight, Applejack thought as she looked around. Especially when you win, of course. Even the nobleponies looked kind of ecstatic, looking at Pinkie with eager anticipation and poking the unconscious guards. The sound of folks gambling and having a great time somewhere far away came to them soft and muffled. As far as Applejack cared, they were completely alone.
“Well, that was a doozy!” Dash said, grabbing Applejack by the shoulder and pointing at the nobleponies. “And they look happy too!”
“I’m pretty sure this is all a Pfrench thing!” one of the nobleponies whispered to his wife. “It’s all part of the show! Very avant-garde!”
“I think I’ve lost what little innocence I had left, dear.”
“Yes, but you lost it in a Pfrench way, which automatically makes it okay!”
“I had so much fun!” Pinkie chirped, throwing the electric guitar away and hopping towards them. “Especially when we started to cause unnecessary pain for no reason! Very cathartic!”
“I pictured my dad every time I punched one of them!” Dash said.
“Hahah. Yeah.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck. “We have issues, that’s hilarious. So anyway, what do we do now?”
“I have no idea.” Dash looked at the gambling section, at the other side of the casino, and then back at the stage, full of knocked out guards. “It looks like nopony noticed what was happening here.”
“Yeah! This casino is big, after all!” Pinkie said, nodding. “Any idea where Twilight, Rarity, and Fluttershy are?”
“They could be anywhere,” Applejack said, frowning a little. “This wasn’t a part of the plan.”
“Hah, we’re lucky it came out this way, then,” Dash said, grinning. “This was awesome! Very smart move with the smoke bombs, by the way.” She elbowed Pinkie. “That was genius.”
“Thanks!”
“Well, at least the guards are outta the game now,” AJ muttered. “But Ah seriously don’t know what to do from this point on.”
“Pfft. Like that’s a problem,” Dash said, waving a hoof. “Without the guards or the nobleponies bothering us, this heist is going to be the easiest thing ever! We’ve already won!”
“That would be truer if we knew what to do. Once the kicks are over, Ah’m kind of lost.“
“Applejack is right,” Pinkie said, nodding. “We were supposed to find proof of Money Bags being a baddie, and all we did was play some songs and kick some guards. We should think of something now!”
“Okay, then we think about it!” Dash grabbed her friends by the shoulders and pressed them against her sides. “Come on, we’re the smartest ponies in the group! We can come up with something in no time!”
“Woah.” Applejack arched an eyebrow. “That wasn’t a nice thing to say, sugarcube.”
“Oh, please.” Dash rolled her eyes. “It’s Rarity and Fluttershy we’re talking about.”
“What about Twilight?” Pinkie asked.
“She’s the odd one out. Anyway!” Dash shook her head. “That doesn’t matter! If we want to prove Money Bags is bad, why don’t we just kick a confession out of him?”
“That sounds extremely illegal,” Applejack said. “Then again, he’s a bad guy.”
“That automatically makes it right,” Pinkie said. “We can kick him.”
AJ grinned. “Darn, I love morality.”
“See? Bam. Three seconds, and we have a plan already.” Dash tightened her hug. “We rock so much.”
Pinkie nodded. “It’s a family thing.”
“Well then!” Applejack got away from Dash and looked around. The nobleponies looked at her in awe. “Where’s Money Bags? We have some righteous kickin’ to do.”
“He was laying there, wasn’t he?” Dash said, pointing at the table where Twilight and Money Bags had talked. “Like, when we were kicking all that butt. Wasn’t he?” She looked at the nearest noblepony, a mustached stallion. “Wasn’t he?”
“Uh. I think so?” the noblepony replied, and his voice sounded very much like…
“Schoolfilly stallion!” Pinkie interrupted. “Is it you?!”
Silence.
The noblepony squinted. “My life is a difficult one,” he said.
“Of course it’s you! I’d recognize that prepubescent voice anywhere!” Pinkie said, jumping towards the stallion and hugging him. “I didn’t think I’d see you here!”
“Y’know each other?” Applejack asked, looking at the schoolfilly stallion and then at Pinkie. “How come?”
“He helped me play some cards!” Pinkie said. “He’s a good guy!”
“Is that safe?” Dash asked, frowning a little and looking at Applejack. “Aren’t nobleponies a little bit… You know. Noblepony-ish? Half the plan was about avoiding contact with them.”
“Well, they helped us with the guards, didn’t they?” AJ replied, shrugging. “And Ah think they can be okay. Why, there was one young mare who sounded really nice before, although she had horrible taste in apples…”
“Ah!” a feminine voice said. Everypony in the room turned at once and looked at who had spoke: a young-looking noblemare. “I knew there was something weird about you! You’re the Pfrench mare who asked me to help!” She walked towards them, looking at Pinkie and Dash. “And they are the ones you were looking for? You wanted to play music with them?”
Applejack blinked. “Uh. Yyyeah, Ah guess. Let’s go with that. Bonjour.”
“Woah, your noblepony friend is here too? What a coincidence!”
“We kinda used half the ponies in the casino to beat up the guards, Pinkie,” Applejack said. “Reckon it’s not that much ‘bout coincidence as it is ‘bout statistics.”
“I say,” the schoolfilly stallion muttered.
“It wasn’t that hard to find you,” the young noblemare said.
Silence.
AJ looked at the schoolfilly stallion. “How on Equestria can you have a voice that’s more feminine than hers?!”
“Aw, who cares?” Dash shook her head and poked the schoolfilly stallion on the chest. “You! I asked you a question! Wasn’t Money Bags right there when we fought the guards?”
“Um. Yes, he was.” The schoolfilly stallion licked his lips. “In fact, I was the one who helped him up—poor Mister Money Bags looked like he really needed a hoof.”
“You helped him?!” Dash scoffed. “Some friend you have there, Pinks.”
The schoolfilly stallion blinked. “Wait, what?”
“Aaw. Schoolfilly stallion, you shouldn’t have done that!” Pinkie said, pouting. “Money Bag’s a meanie!”
The schoolfilly stallion frowned and his ears perked up. “He is?”
“Yeah. He makes ponies miserable. And he’s not Pfrench,” Applejack said.
Every single noblepony in the room gasped.
“That’s horrible!”
“We can’t let that happen!”
“Pfrench ponies have a pass, but normal ponies? Never!”
“I seriously love this crowd,” Dash muttered, looking around. “They’re so zany. Anyway! Yeah, Money Bags is a bad one. So, you shouldn’t have helped him up.”
The schoolfilly stallion bowed. “My bad,” he said. “If I ever see him again, I’ll kick him in the stomach.”
“That’s the spirit!”
“However, I didn’t remain with Mister Money Bags for much longer,” he added. “Shortly after I helped him up, the lady started to sing.” He nodded at Pinkie with his head. “And then I joined the song. I lost sight of Mister Money Bags immediately.”
“Ah! I know where he went!” the young noblemare said. “I saw him stumbling after you left,” she looked at the schoolfilly stallion, “and then I went up to him and asked him if he was okay. He said no, and then he went away.” She frowned and pointed at the right. “In that direction. Then I joined the song.”
“Woah. Noblepony friends are useful,” Dash said. She looked at Pinkie. “Do you have somepony else hidden in there?”
“Two more, actually! The jerk cook, and also there’s him!” She pointed. “Hello—”
“Money Bags went there?” Applejack looked at the young noblemare. “Towards the gamblin’ part of the casino?”
“I think so, yes,” the noblemare said.
“Well.” Applejack looked at Dash and Pinkie with a frown. “That’s bad news, girls.”
“What? Why?” Dash arched an eyebrow. “The gambling section is big, but between the three of us we can find him in no time.”
“Ah’m not afraid of him bein’ in the gamblin’ section,” Applejack said. “Ah’m afraid of what’s at the other side of it.”
Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “And what’s that?”
“Why,” a stallion’s voice said, “the main door, of course.”
Everything froze.
Well, not literally. There wasn’t any snow or anything. It’s just that everypony stopped whatever they were doing, immediately. That includes ponies who were blinking while the voice talked—they stopped mid-blink. Now, that’s commitment.
And then, everypony turned around. The ponies in mid-blink didn’t open their eyes fully, because they weren’t sellouts.
Standing there, looking as dignified as ever, was Money Bags. And behind him, ten of the bulkiest ponies in existence stood in V-formation, looking like bulla who just saw an idiot wearing a red cape. Their muscles were the size of watermelons.
“As I already told Princess Twilight,” Money Bags said, smiling fiercely—which means he was showing more teeth than he could possibly physically fit in his mouth—and looking at Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie, “I called for reinforcements long ago.”
Silence. The three friends and the nobleponies stared at the watermelonian guards. The watermelonian guards stared back.
“Let’s see you rock away from these guys,” Money Bags said. “Guards. Get them.”
“TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
Twilight stopped talking and looked at the watermelonian guards with an arched eyebrow. They were all giggling like schoolfillies in front of an effeminate popstar and stomping their hooves on the floor.
“Hah! Look at them!” Money Bags smiled. “They’re excited because they’re in the story now!”
“YEAH!” they replied. “TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
“I didn’t know there was such a thing as power-giggling,” Twilight muttered, “but I see now that I was wrong.”
“TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
“They’re so cute now and then,” Money Bags said. “Don’t you agree? They’re like puppies on steroids.”
“And for once, we agree,” Twilight said. Then she bit her lip and looked at the watermelonian guards. “Uh...Do you want me to keep narrating your scenes, or…?”
“NO! TEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
“Aaaaw. They’re blushing. They’re so shy!”
“They look like a mix between a tomato and a mountain.” Twilight frowned. “There is something seriously wrong with that. Anyway, I guess I’ll change scenes now…”
“...And—oh dear Celestia my knees hurt!—and that was, ooof, that was everything that happened to me since the plan started!” Rarity finished, huffing and puffing like the bad guy from a children book. “And also everything that happened to—oh goodness, my lungs are burning—to Applejack!”
“Wow. Thanks, Rarity!” Twilight replied. “That was unnecessarily overdetailed, but I’m glad to finally know what was going on! You too, Fluttershy.” She smiled at the pegasus. “And of course, your story was shorter, but equally useful, so thank you, too!”
“You’re welcome!” Fluttershy replied.
They were running down the stairs that led to Money Bags’ office and they’d been doing so for a long while now. Long enough for both Rarity and Fluttershy to explain exactly what had happened to them during the day. Rarity had also chimed in for everything regarding Applejack and Rainbow Dash, because they’d had a long conversation in the bathroom, too.
Which means she’d explained not one, but three complete stories while running as fast as she could. One could probably fill seven chapters of a book with all the stuff Rarity had said, and she had barely recovered from the physical trauma from before. The result was not pretty.
In other words: Rarity felt like she was dying.
“OH SWEET BABY CELESTIA, I FEEL LIKE I’M DYING!” she screamed.
She was absolutely sure she had lost five years of her life because of those stairs.
“I AM ABSOLUTELY SURE I’VE LOST FIVE YEARS OF MY LIFE BECAUSE OF THESE STAIRS!” she added.
Meanwhile, Twilight and Fluttershy were flying and completely silent. So they more or less felt perfectly okay.
“Oh my, I feel more or less perfectly okay!”
What a blessing it was, to have wings.
“What a blessing it is, to have wings!”
“You’re getting better at telling stories!”
“Absolutely.”
“So…” Twilight said, looking down at the puddle of custard that was Rarity. “That’s an extreme reaction to exercise you have going on right there.”
“MY EVERYTHING HURTS!”
“I’m so sorry, Rarity!” Fluttershy said, her ears flat against her head. “I would love to lift you and carry you, but you’re too heavy!”
“Same here,” Twilight added. “Maybe if you lost a little weight we could help you, but right now…”
“NOT HELP—ooooof—NOT HELPING, GIRLS!”
“We’re so, so sorry! But Twilight is right,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, you’re okay, but…”
“Yeah, we’re not suggesting anything drastic,” Twilight agreed. “Just, you know. A little less ice cream, a little more lettuce, some exercise in the mornings… It’ll do wonders, trust me.”
“SERIOUSLY NOT HELPING!”
“Hey, we’re just worried about you!” Twilight said.
“Then again, I guess it makes sense,” Fluttershy said, looking at Twilight. “I mean, fashionistas need to sit all day, don’t they? And she needs to work on her dresses as much as possible, seeing how her business is an absolute fail—”
“I WILL PUNCH YOU IN YOUR SLEEP UNLESS YOU CHANGE TOPICS RIGHT NO—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM!
Money Bags blinked. “So she fell downstairs?”
“Aaaall the way to your office.
“Ouch.”
It took Fluttershy and Twilight a couple minutes to fly there. Luckily for Rarity, they were pretty close to the office already, but that still didn’t mean the fall had been a soft one. When they arrived, Rarity was still on the floor.
And judging by the way she was lying, she had landed face-first.
“Um.” Twilight approached her carefully and poked her on the side. “Rarity? Are you okay?”
“Grbmbtflggggh,” Rarity replied.
Fluttershy frowned. “I think that means ‘yes’.”
“Probably,” Twilight said, and then she looked around. They were standing in a short corridor, and right in front of them was the door that led to Money Bags’ office.
The office looked horrible. Most of the walls and the floor were completely gone, and debris covered everything. The tables were destroyed, the safe was buried, and Twilight couldn’t find a single scroll in there that wasn’t burned to ashes.
When she looked at the room, her ears went flat against her head, and her pupils grew so much her eyes were almost completely black.
Fluttershy looked at it and gasped, covering her mouth with a hoof. “Oh, no,” she muttered. “Everything is…”
“Everything is destroyed,” Twilight said. “Absolutely everything.”
“Can… Can we get anything out of this?”
Twilight sighed. “No. No, we can’t. There’s no way we’re going to find any piece of evidence in here. I didn’t know cake could create such a powerful explosion.”
“There was also fire,” Fluttershy said. “Are you sure you only used cakes, Rarity?”
“Grbmbtflggggh.”
“Oh. So… What do we do now?” Fluttershy asked, her voice trembling a little. “I mean… We can’t get the document, so…”
Twilight opened her mouth and took a deep breath, which probably meant she was going to reply to that question, but something interrupted her. Her ears perked up and her frown deepened as she turned around. “Do you hear that?” she asked.
“Hear what?”
“Listen.”
Fluttershy arched an eyebrow, but obeyed. As the corridor fell silent once more, a faint sound made it to them. “Oh,” Fluttershy said. “I hear it! It’s like… Screaming?”
“Sounds like a talking apple, a talking mountain of candy, and somepony with no common sense being chased by a bunch of very strong buffalo,” Twilight said.
“That’s awfully specific.”
“Well, it’s a very characteristic sound.”
Twilight and Fluttershy tensed as they noticed the sound was coming from upstairs, and there was no doubt—it was getting closer. The screams got clearer, but not all of them; the buffalo-like yelling was still distant.
And of course, Rarity chose that exact very moment to finally get up, each of her eyes pointing at a different direction. “Oh my goodness,” she said, stumbling forward and looking more horrible than ever. “Oh my goodness, everything hurt—”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAA—”
BLAM!
Both Twilight and Fluttershy yelped as an orange, blue, and pink blur came from upstairs at top speed and crashed into Rarity, slamming her against the ground again. This made a plof sound, which couldn’t be healthy at all, given the circumstances.
The blur, turns out, was none other than Rainbow Dash, carrying Pinkie and Applejack. She was covered in sweat, panting, and terrified.
“Girls!” she screamed, looking up at Fluttershy and Twilight. “You were here?!”
“Dash!” Twilight yelled. “Pinkie! Applejack!”
“Oh my gosh, Rarity!” Fluttershy added, pointing.
“Eh? Rarity?” Dash blinked and looked down. “Oh. Boy, she sure is a comfy cushion, let me tell you. Somepony needs to lose some weight, hmmm?”
“I am going to murder you all,” Rarity replied. Her voice was muffled because Applejack was sitting on top of her face.
“Sorry, sugarcube!” she promptly said, getting up and helping Pinkie do the same. “Girls!” she said, looking at Twilight. “We’re in trouble! Money Bags called for more guards!”
Twilight arched an eyebrow. “That’s ‘trouble’? I saw you reducing one of those to tears with nothing but your teeth half an hour ago, Applejack.”
“These guards are different!” AJ yelled, grabbing Twilight by the shoulders. “They’re huge! And muscular! And strong!”
Dash nodded, frowning. “I tried to kick one, and he didn’t even flinch!” A pause. “Or, uh, she didn’t even flinch, I don’t know. It’s not exactly easy to tell.”
“Dash.”
“Ah?” Dash looked down. “Yes?”
“Why are you still on top of me.”
“I wasn’t lying when I said you’re comfy.”
“They didn’t sing along with my song, either!” Pinkie said. “They’re way out our league! Also, seriously, Rarity, your back is an amazing place to sit down.”
“I know, right?” Dash said, looking at Pinkie. “We oughta do this more often.”
“I hate you so much, right now.”
“Yeah!” Applejack said. “We’ve lost! They’re too much for us!”
“TEEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH HEEH!”
“No, no, don’t let them interrupt your story. Just ignore them.”
“So… What do we do, Brains?” Dash said, looking at Twilight.
“Yeah! We need a plan, and we need it fast!” Applejack added.
“Please say you have something in mind?” Fluttershy bit her lip and looked at Twilight with puppy eyes. “Please?”
“WHY ARE YOU STILL USING ME AS A SOFA.”
Silence.
Twilight turned around and looked at the office again. Then she looked at her friends.
The guards were getting closer.
Silence.
Then Twilight sighed. “I have nothing,” she said. “There are no documents, there’s only one way out, and we’re trapped by guards we can’t beat. It’s over, girls. We’ve lost.”
Everypony just looked at Twilight for a couple seconds, and then the words sank in. Slowly, every ear went flat against their heads, every eye lost its sparkle, every mouth curled down in a pout or a horrorized grimace. Their shoulders dropped, and the air seemed to be colder, somehow.
“We… we’ve lost?” Dash said. “Because we exploded the office?”
“It’s not your fault, Dash.”
“OF COURSE IT’S HER FAULT.”
“We were just unlucky.” Twilight shrugged. “So—”
“Okay!” Pinkie clapped. “I’ve got it!” Then she looked around. “Woah. Why the long faces?”
Silence.
“Um.” Fluttershy licked her lips. “Uh, Pinkie? Didn’t you hear Twilight?”
“Nope! I was busy thinking about a plan.” Pinkie grinned. “Don’t you remember? I’m Boss! I’m supposed to come up with something on the spot whenever Twilight’s plan fails!” she looked at Twilight. “Right?”
“Uh. I guess?” Twilight frowned. “But there’s nothing we can do now, right?”
“Pffffft. Silly filly.” She patted Twilight on the shoulder. “Of course there’s something we can do! Remember the stage? I’ve been improvising for a looong time now. So let me see some smiles!”
“Sweet!” Dash’s pout disappeared immediately as she put her front leg over Pinkie’s shoulder. “That’s Pinks for you! What’s the plan?”
“Oh, I have no idea!”
Silence.
“What.”
“I can’t come up with anything!” Pinkie repeated, still smiling. “But that doesn’t matter! I’m sure we’ll manage. Anyway, step one: go upstairs as fast as possible!”
Silence.
Twilight shrugged. “Meh. There’s nothing else we can do, so I guess she’s right. Let’s go up.”
“Oookay.” Dash nodded. “I can carry Pinkie and Applejack myself, but nopony else. Twilight? Fluttershy?”
“Nah, we fly alone.”
“I am not good at flying with passengers, sorry.”
“Welp.” Dash shrugged. “I’m sure Rarity can keep up with us on hoof without trouble.”
“YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.”
“And you already know the rest of the story,” Twilight said. “We got up, we—”
“No, no, no.” Money Bags raised a hoof and shook his head. “Nope. Narrate it properly, please.”
“What? Why?”
“Because you’ve talked for, what? Three hours?” Money Bags snorted. “I’ve been sitting on this chair for so long, my butt hurts. I want some closure out of this.” He shrugged. “Plus, this ends with me winning and you being trapped, so no matter what, I know I’m going to like it.”
Twilight rolled her eyes.
“And…” Money Bags pointed at the watermelonian guards. “They appear.”
“TEEH HEEH HE—”
“Yes, yes, cut it out.”
It’s not that the watermelonian guards are slow—sure, their legs are so bulky that they can’t really move them that much, but they are so strong that their steps, short as they might be, have enough power to propel them at a very reasonable speed.
So, again, it’s not that they’re slow. It’s just that when one’s competing against the Dashing Speedster, one’s doomed to lose. They were still halfway down the stairs when Dash and the others came up.
The fact that Rarity actually kept up with them goes to show just how important determination is whenever you need to do something. That, and the urge to scream at and assault your friends.
Long story short: on one side, ten gigantic ponies and one economist running downstairs. On the other side, five flying ponies and one pile of custard that was once called Rarity going upstairs. Both of them moving at the fastest speed they could muster. Neither of the two groups could stop in time.
The crash was quite something.
CRASH!
Yes, exactly like that.
Now, to be fair, the watermelonian guards didn’t even flinch. They kind of kept running for a while, in fact—they were way too big for something as puny as six grown mares to stop them. Money Bags, on the other hand, got propelled to the other side of the corridor while screaming like a pig in a horror movie.
“AUGH!” he yelped when he hit the wall. “OUGH!” he yapped when he hit the floor. “OH CELESTIA EVERYTHING HURTS!” Then he looked up. “DON’T JUST STAND THERE, YOU IDIOTS! GET THEM!”
“YEAH!”
And then they moved, perfectly coordinated, and jumped towards Twilight and friends.
In less than a second, Twilight managed to react. Her horn glimmered, there was a flash of white light, and suddenly her friends were at the other side of the corridor, right next to the stairs that led up.
But Twilight was still there, and between her and her friends the watermelonian guards formed a wall of pure muscle.
“Twilight!” Pinkie yelled. “No!”
“I’ll buy some time!” Twilight screamed back, her horn glimmering again. “Run!”
“But…!”
“RUN!”
And that was the last thing Twilight saw before three of the watermelonian guards grabbed her with grips as strong as steel: her friends running away, Pinkie looking back one more time before getting away.
“Don’t let them escape! The rest, go after them! Go, go, go!”
“And that’s it,” Twilight finally said, her voice merely a whisper now. She was looking down, ears flat against her head. “That’s all that happened.”
For ten, maybe twenty seconds, the room was in absolute silence. The watermelonian guards weren’t giggling anymore; they had regained that serious, muscular expression of theirs. Twilight was looking down.
And Money Bags was just sitting there, legs crossed, looking at the ceiling. His mouth was a perfectly straight line.
Everything was still for a while.
And then, Money Bags sighed and cracked his neck. “So,” he said, “it took you a while to finish the story.”
Twilight didn’t raise her head. Her mane was hiding her face—it was a perfect Fluttershy imitation.
“Just as I imagined, you do have more allies than just your five friends.” Money Bags got up and circled Twilight and her chair, muttering. “I’m kind of disappointed at how the dragon didn’t really matter at the end, but all in all, this wasn’t a complete waste of time. You guys,” he said, looking at the guards, “look for the young noblemare and the schoolfilly stallion. And the jerk cook, just in case. We don’t want to leave any threads hanging.”
“YEAH!”
“Now we’re going to deal with you, Princess.” Money Bags poked at Twilight on the side of her head. She still didn’t move. “The moment the Royal Guards get here, we’re going to throw both you and your friends in jail, and then I’ll make sure you pay for all the ruckus you’ve caused.” He narrowed his eyes. “And after that, I’ll carry on my needlessly evil plans and absolutely ruin Manehattan. I don’t really have a reason to do that, seeing how I’m literally too rich to ever end up without money, but I’m still going to do it, and I’m going to do it out of spite.”
Silence. Twilight refused to move.
Money Bags frowned and poked her harder. “Hey!” he said. “What, cat got your tongue all of a sudden? Why aren’t you talking? At least show me how scared you are!”
Still no movement. Her shoulders were shaking.
“Hey! Princess Twilight!” Money Bags grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her. “Come on, at least give me the gratification of seeing you…”
A pause.
“Wait.” Money Bags blinked and took a closer look at Twilight’s face. “Wait, what?”
Twilight wasn’t sad, or angry, or anything of the sorts. In fact, she looked happier than ever. She was biting her lip as hard as possible. She wasn’t suppressing tears, she was just trying her hardest not to laugh.
“Ooo-kay.” Money Bags took a step back and squinted. “I’m fairly sure that’s not the right reaction.”
“Pffft.” Twilight bit her lips even harder. “Pfffffffft.”
“You’re officially creeping me out right now.”
“You didn’t get it.” Twilight let a small snicker escape and looked at Money Bags, still shaking. “You seriously still don’t get it! I can’t believe Pinkie was right!”
Silence.
“Sweet baby Celestia.” Money Bags’ eyes opened up wide. “Oh, please, tell me this only looks like the part where the hero reveals it was all part of the plan, and that you’re actually just crazy.”
“You never noticed!” Twilight finally let out a very unladylike guffaw. Her chest trembled like a shy leaf in the middle of a tornado. “I literally left clues all over the place, and you never noticed! I can’t believe I was so worried at first! Oh, I’ve been waiting so long for this moment!”
“Okay.” Money Bags sighed. “Okay, you obviously are plotting something, but before you say anything else, let me remind you that you are still tied to a chair, and that I’ve definitely won, and that you’re going to jail, and—”
“How long have I been talking?” Twilight interrupted.
Silence.
“What?”
“I’ve been talking a lot,” Twilight said, with a smile that showed all her teeth. “You forced me to, right? You wanted to know the whole story. So, please tell me: how long has this been going on?” She cocked her head to the side. “You said ‘three hours’ before, right? That’s a long time. A lot of things can happen in three hours.”
Money Bags blinked. “Uh—”
“Right, three hours.” Twilight groaned and twisted her torso a little. “Also, hey, have you noticed how at first I couldn’t move at all? But now I have some leeway. Look!” She shrugged. “It took me like forty-five minutes to get to do this. What a relief. I was very uncomfortable, you know.”
“Okay, Princess, stop right there and—”
“So!” Twilight interrupted, looking at Money Bags with a big smile. “I don’t know if you can really remember, but when you brought me here you told me a couple things. You wanted me to know you were in control of the situation.”
“I AM IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION!”
“YEAH!”
Twilight nodded. “Oh, of course. How was it? First, you have my friend. ‘The white and sassy one’, you said. Second, all your gigantic guards are here, and probably even an alicorn would have trouble with them.” She looked down at the ropes that were holding her. “And third, I’m tied to a chair. Right?”
“YEAH!”
“I don’t like this.” Money Bags took a step back. “I don’t like this at all. I’ve seen enough movies to know where this is going, and—”
“So,” Twilight interrupted, “in order, shall we? You have my white and sassy friend. To that I’m going to say two things: first, I made a huge deal when I started talking about how everypony colored their coats, didn’t I? And my friends spent some time in the bathroom, doing something. By the time they went out to the stage, they’ve already changed their dyes. Rarity is not fit to beat up an entire room full of guards, but she’s not my only sassy friend.” She smirked. “I wonder if that pony you captured had a top hat and a Southern accent, perhaps?”
Silence.
Money Bags’ eyes got wide. “No,” he whispered.
“Yes!” Twilight replied. “Now, second thing: the room is full of guards.” She looked at the watermelonian ponies in front of them. They were all staring. “Now, I am an alicorn, sure, but even I would have trouble with them, I think. But then again…” She shrugged. “What was the potion I brewed with Pinkie, again? Hmmm?”
“WHAT ARE YOU—”
“And, finally,” Twilight looked down again. “I’m tied to a chair.”
Silence.
“Seriously,” she said, looking up again and arching an eyebrow, “I have magic. If I’m tied here, it’s because I want to be.”
Money Bags bared his teeth and turned towards the guards. “SHE’S GOING TO DO SOMETHING!” he screamed. “DO SOMETHING! JUMP ON HER, OR—”
“Too late!” Twilight chimmed.
Her horn sparkled.
FLASH!
With a flash of light, the room filled with green flames. The watermelonian guards took a step back, scared. Money Bags just shrieked like a sentient bow on Bow Burnin’ Day and covered his eyes.
There was a crash. Similar to the sound a crystal bottle would make after breaking against a wall, Money Bags thought. No, more than similar. It was exactly like it.
There was a weird smell. Something like… eggs?
“I don’t think that counts as a ‘potion’, actually” Twilight said. “You don’t even need to drink it for it to work.”
Money Bags tensed and uncovered his eyes. In front of him was Princess Twilight, completely free from her chair, looking at the watermelonian guards.
The watermelonian guards that were, at the moment, gently snoring on the other side of the room. There was something weird about them—they glimmered a little, like if they had been covered with glitter.
“Completely knocked out,” Twilight said, looking at Money Bags and smiling. “You seriously forgot about the potion? You’re even dumber than what I thought.”
“You…” Money Bags bared his teeth. “We still have your friend! No matter what you do, we—”
“Didn’t you hear me before?” Twilight rolled her eyes. “You don’t have Rarity.” She looked at the sleeping guards. “Those were the only big guards you had. The rest are normal ponies. And you already saw what happens when normal ponies go up against Applejack.”
BOOM!
Both Twilight and Money Bags yelped when somepony kicked open the door. Money Bags was pretty sure it had been locked, but apparently that didn’t really matter.
There were three ponies at the other side of the doorframe. “Oh, my,” one of them, a pegasus, said. “You did open the door, after all.”
“I told you!” The second mare grinned at the first. “Pinkicks always work!”
“Well, well, well.” The third mare was the one with the white coat, the one Money Bags had trapped. “Lookie what we’ve got here!”
“But…!” Money Bags took one step back. “But my guards had you! You were tied!”
“Nah.” The mare shook her head. “They didn’t have me. I had them.”
Silence.
The three new mares—Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Applejack, Money Bags figured—and Twilight were looking at Money Bags. Money Bags looked at them too, alternating between the ones at the door and the one standing before him.
Silence.
BAM!
Money Bags wasn’t the most physical pony out there, but he was still a young stallion. If he had tackled Applejack or—maybe—Pinkie, he wouldn’t have stood a chance, but poor Fluttershy was as resilient as a rose petal. She went down with a surprised yelp, and the other three mares didn’t react fast enough. By the time they were back on their hooves, it was too late—Money Bags was out of the room, had spread his wings, and was flying away as fast as possible.
“GET HIM!” Twilight roared from behind.
“Oh, come on,” Money Bags muttered, squinting. “Like this needed to be even more ironic.”
Stats
Page generated in 0.035 seconds
Total duration
845 users online
587,672 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
rofl best chapter yet.
5653100
I love it when readers notice that I'm referencing myself.
Wow, referencing your own stuff...
That's sweet
Loving this story ; consistently hilarious and frequent updates.
I'm still betting on Spike turning up doing something important , you can't keep calling him useless and lampshading that everyone forgets about him without using him , right ? Or on the other hand him being nothing more than the fax machine / burp bottler / cake baker could still be good.
This is awesome! I'm guessing, sadly, the next chapter is the last chapter.
and I am guessing Darude-Sandstorm!
That Schoolfilly Stallion is a true gentlecolt. Dumb as rocks, but his manners are impeccable.
I was so convinced that the stage scene was a setup for them to start singing a song from Rainbow Rocks that I had "Awesome As I Wanna Be" open in another tab. Seriously, you took the time to give each of them the instrument from RR and made such a big deal about having Dash sing that I was so sure without a doubt there was going to be a music number.
I was very very pleasantly surprised.
5653774
Fun fact: The entirely of that scene (including which instrument plays each pony) was planned way before I watched Rainbow Rocks. And way before anything from Rainbow Rocks was known, now that we're at it.
Pinkie had been shown to play the drums in the show, Applejack had played a banjo in Pinkie Apple Pie, and Rarity looked like a piano player. Dash being bad at singing comes from her apparent dislike for musicals (from the Manehattan episode).
Rainbow Rocks using the exact same setup was a happy coincidence. Or maybe the writers used the same method as me to come up with the instruments, I don't know.
Good
I can't believe I can't favorite this more than once.
5653790 The idea that the show's writer might be on the same wavelength as you makes me giddy.
I was so confused and distressed when I saw the title break from my expectations! I intend to react in a way consistent with this story and run around panicking until a princess tells me what to do.
5654131
Why do you think I broke the pattern in the first place.
5654133
Actually, I assumed it was to signal the climax (assuming that's the right way to describe the narration catching up to the "present"). But now I see that the climax was a red herring all along in your plan to make your readers riot! Genius.
Okay, I'm enjoying the story so far but, what the hay is wrong with these ponies. When the four of them were on stage, why didn't Rarity sing? She's in a singing group for the love of harmony! Also, what's with all the Rarity torture! I mean come on! Rainbow can carry two ponies and she refuses to carry the injured one!? What the flying feather is wrong with her! Also, if Twilight and Applejack were the only two captured, why the hell are pinkie and Flutershy there? and where are Rarity and Dash?
While I could answer this with a mere "it was funnier the way it happened", I actually thought about this -- Rarity mentions how she can improvise, and tells the others to follow her lead. She's the one with the best musical abilities, or at least the only one with actual professional training, judging by the Ponytones thing (hence AJ and Pinkie agreeing on following Rarity, at least in theory).
However, she can't improvise and sing at the same time. I think she doesn't outright say this in the story (AJ does, however), but the implication is still there. Dash is the last one to call what to do, so she ends up singing.
Yeah this is simply because I find it funny. This is a comedy, after all. There's a punching bag in every chapter. Sometimes it's Fluttershy, sometimes it's Dash, sometimes it's Rarity...
Wait for the next chapter and you'll know!
I do not think banjo music is getting a fair shake here. Banjo music is quite good if you have fingers instead of hooves to play it with.
Okay, yeah, I cannot find anymore than this. Nevertheless, banjo music is cool, goddammit.
I finally got to read a chapter on the day it was posted! Yay, me!
~KBO.
Please when this is over write a story about the reason for bow burning day!
5655036 Although,poor Applebloom must be so messed up with all she's been though. But really, what is the whole purpose of Bow Burnin' day? Will we ever know this mystery of the universe?
It was Uptown Funk right? No other modern song has a proper chorus like that.
5656058
Nope!
5656066 I didn't hear the banjo solo, nor the yodeling.
5656217
No, I'm talking about what Pinkie sings while AJ and Dash fight, man. The song Dash sings is... Well, it thankfully doesn't exist.
Does this count as breaking the fourth wall?
Best name ever.
Good.
I would say that's child abuse, but I got hit by a stick for punishment when I was kid.
Congratulations Applejack, you're Asian!
You've discovered Buddhism. Keep on going and you'll find Nirvana.
Yodel the William Tell Overture please.
Otakuism died here and was reborn. TOP HATTERS!
Nature deemed to keep nobles around as joke. It never gets old.
Boom de yade! BOOM DE YADE! THE WORLD IS JUST AWESOME!
The Crying Maiden of Fortune shall run fast. Her steward shall chase after her.
Chase them gamblers for your redemption at the Slots!
CHASE THEM!
Where is Discord anyways? He's like never around for backup!
Pinkie Pie nonsensical Bard Trap Card Activate!
ALL MONSTERS ON YOUR SIDE OF THE FIELD POWER UP TO INSANELY HACKED LEVELS!
ATTACK DIRECTLY!
HIDDEN EQUIP CARD ACTIVATE!
TOP HATS ARE SEXY AS HELL!
ALL MONSTERS BECOME CAPABLE OF IMPOSSIBLE FEATS!
ATTACK DIRECTLY!
We feel your pain.
Cupcakes scarred Luna a thousand years ago. She was never the same. Sorry...
I don't feel your pain. Sorry...
First: That's scary.
Second: That's also scary.
All these slightly Pfrench racist jokes make me hungry for Pfrench food.
Got any snails anyone? Pfrenchly cooke, se il vous plaît?
Continue the thereaupatic procedure of beating guards up, “Hahah. Yeah.” Applejack scratched the back of her neck. “We have issues, that’s hilarious. So anyway, what do we do now?”.
You scare me. BEST PONIES EVER!
I betcha that Applejack will forever on the Census every year will put down Pfrench as one of her ethnicities.
Thank you for disturbing me and traumatizing me. Thank you so much.
Is this breaking the fourth wall? Because I'm pretty sure it is.
Hmmm... Nope! Still traumatizing! Still disturbing!
PUNNY!
Why did you want this part narrated again?
TRAP CARD ACTIVATE!
TWILIGHT EVOLUTION!
After hanging out with Trollestia for such a long period of time, it was only a matter of time before she became like her teacher!
TWILIGHT PRANKLE!(Not the best name. But at least I try!)
... Money Bags is like not even worth grading based on the alphabetical scale now. That's how bad a villain he is!
BRILLIANT PLOT TWIST!
Ironic irony is ironic!
Now to sum up how this changed my view of the world:
Ehh... I may have forgotten something, but anyways this is a great song to sum up my perspective now:
5656237
5657115
I just assumed that she hit the lesser fruits with a stick... Am I not Asian enough?
5659110 Nope, you're a plebian. Sorry about that!
But seriously, getting hit by a stick is bad news all around.
The songs totally Centuries isn't it?
Looks like we're just one teensy-weensy little update away from the chapter I've been waiting for! Please don't troll me, Aragon.
5654418 Rarity torture is hilarious because she's so prim, well-mannered, and classy.
Glorious.
Truly glorious.
Money Bag's reaction - the slow dawning horror of a stallion who is smart enough to be genera savvy but not smart enough to be so in time - was absolutely priceless. Earthworm Jim levels of oh-crap moments.
I eagerly await the next (and I presume final) chapter.
Was the battle song The Final Countdown?
Oh, he is. He's watching the entire scene with glee from wherever he does that from.
This is just cruel.
Oh dramatic irony...
What the hell is happening!
When I was a kid and my tooth hurt, I ripped it off.
*hint, hint*
Just some English pig with no brains.static.wikia.nocookie.net/hockeymovies/images/e/e6/Quote_feelShame.png/revision/latest?cb=20130612173919