Sixth Chapter - ...Okay, Define "Show"
“Wait.” Money Bags blinked. “Wait a moment. What?”
“I said everything exploded,” Twilight repeated. “As in, you know, an explosion? Something like that.”
Silence.
“WHAT?!”
“Well, yes, that was the plan, you see? We had to—”
“WHAT?!”
“You’re telling me you haven’t seen your office yet—?”
“WHAT?!”
Silence.
“WHAT?!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “You’re starting to sound like your guards.”
“YEAH!”
“SHUT UP!” Money Bags roared, baring his teeth at the watermelonian guards, who shut their mouths immediately. Then he turned back to Twilight, and she could see his left eye was twitching. “AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN, ‘EVERYTHING EXPLODED’?!”
“Well, I guess it was a figure of speech,” Twilight said. “Let me rephrase it.”
And then many things exploded.
“There,” she said, smiling. “Better?”
“HOW ON EQUESTRIA CAN YOU—”
“Um, inside voice?” Twilight interrupted.
“I—ugh.” Money Bags let out a breath, and then glared daggers at Twilight. “Princess, what in the name of Equestria are you talking about? An explosion? Here?” He shook his head. “How? Why? Where? When? Explain!”
“Hmm.” Twilight licked her lips. “Cakes, the wall, sewers, around five hours ago, and I’m trying.”
Silence.
“What the—”
“If you just let me explain instead of interrupting to ask for explanations,” Twilight said, “you might even understand what I’m talking about. Hint hint.”
Money Bags sighed. “Okay, okay. Point taken. Just…” He turned around and looked at the guards. “One of you, go and take a look at my office. See if anything looks, um.” He frowned. “…Blown up. Just in case.” Then he looked at Twilight. “Dear Celestia, this is so stupid,” he muttered as one watermelonian guard left. “Just what the hay did your friend do?”
“Well,” Twilight started, “it all makes sense, actually. And like everything that’s been happening until now, it has a lot to do with—”
“Oh, no.” Money Bags’ eyes opened wide. “Oh, no. Oh, no, please, don’t tell me it’s—”
“—cake.”
“OH, COME ON!”
That part of the plan—the one that dealt with Rainbow Dash blowing stuff up—hadn’t been really planned until halfway into the week, seeing how it relied on a very little known fact involving cake and how it reacted to chamomile tea.
Now, any sharp pony would have noticed it by now, but seeing how some ponies are slower than others…
Twilight glanced at Money Bags, and smirked.
…maybe there’s something that has gone unnoticed until now. Something regarding Applejack’s training on being a lady and how to properly drink tea.
As in, Rarity had been trying to teach AJ how to enjoy the pleasures of a relaxing cup of tea for almost a week. However—and, again, as any acute observer could have seen by now—by the time everypony went to the casino, she had seemingly forgotten about it. Why?
Because the house was filled with cake due to the plan relying on it. And, for some reason, strawberry cake has a very funny reaction when it touches chamomile tea. A very funny reaction involving a fireball and a very big explosion.
Silence.
Money Bags stared at Twilight.
“I did not make this up,” Twilight said. “I’m serious. They explode.”
More silence.
“Crazy, huh? One would think somepony else would have figured this one out before. But nope! Turns out nopony drinks chamomile tea with cake.” Twilight smiled. “I guess they don’t really go together. What a happy coincidence!”
Even more silence.
“In our case, we only found out because the house was filled with cake and chamomile tea for completely unrelated reasons. Our basement exploded twice. In fact, I think I already mentioned this, didn’t I? Spike kept making tea, and—”
“Are you telling me,” Money Bags interrupted, “that you caused an explosion with food?”
“Well, everypony knows that nitroglycerin is a fundamental part of the strawberry cake recipe.” Twilight frowned. “Come to think of it, how is that nopony has ever questioned that? It seems pretty dumb in hindsight. Ah! It also explains why Pinkie knew how to find TNT. Wow, it all wraps up pretty nicely, doesn’t it?”
“YOU CAUSED AN EXPLOSION WITH DESSERTS?!”
BLAM! “YEAH!”
Everypony turned around to face the watermelonian guard that had just opened the door. He was completely covered in soot and ashes.
“What do you mean, ‘yeah’?” Money Bags asked, frowning. “The office has been blown up?”
“YEAH!”
Twilight looked at the other guards. They weren’t talking. That had been the door guard alone. “Huh,” she muttered, “I guess his voice is just weird.”
“He’s a she,” Money Bags said, casting a sideways glance towards her. “Her name is Dainty Rose.”
“Oh. My bad.”
“So.” Money Bags faced Dainty Rose again. “You’re saying my office is blown up? Princess Twilight’s story checks out?”
“YEAH!”
“No, seriously, how do they do that?” Twilight said. “Is it the echo, or…?”
“I can’t believe this,” Money Bags muttered. “I can’t… You have to be kidding me. How bad is it?”
“YEAH!”
Silence.
“That’s… That’s not an answer.”
“YEAH!”
Money Bags smacked his own forehead. “Remind me why I hire you guys again?”
“Because they’re cheap,” Twilight said. “And of course my story is true! Why would I lie?”
“BECAUSE CAKES DON’T EXPLODE!”
“YEAH!”
“Your office says otherwise.”
“YEAH!”
“SHUT UP!” Money Bags roared. “There’s no way there could have been an underground explosion, Princess, and I outright refuse to even acknowledge the possibility of it being caused by baked goods and some leaf water! I’ve been in this casino all day! I’m completely sure I would have noticed if—”
“Oh, you noticed,” Twilight said. “Kind of.”
Silence.
“I did?”
“Yeah.”
“Hmm?” Money Bags swallowed the cake he’d been chewing and looked around. That last thing didn’t sound like a firework. “Did anypony else notice that?” he asked. “For a second, it felt like the building was shaking a little.”
“Hmm?” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Uh… Applejacque?”
“Oh, yeah. Ah felt it too,” Applejack said, nodding. “Ah don’t know what it was, but Ah do know what it wasn’t.” She took another bite of her cake. “An underground explosion. Pretty sure it wasn’t that. Voulez-vous.”
Silence.
Money Bags nodded. “That sounds reasonable! Let’s continue our inconspicuous talk.”
“Oh, I love inconspicuousness.”
“Oh.” Money Bags squinted. “Oooooooooooh. That was clever.”
“See?” Twilight nodded to herself. “It all adds up.”
“Absolutely.”
Silence.
Money Bags licked his lips. “So, your friends blew up my office with, ugh, cake. And…? What? They’re dead?”
“What? No!” Twilight shook her head. “You see, it was all part of our plan, right? So even if this was the moment things started to get out of hoof, at least that was controlled. There’s a reason why we call Rainbow our Dashing Speedster.”
It takes a special kind of mare to survive explosions like that one, and luckily for everypony, Rainbow Dash was very special. While she wasn’t the best pony you could get to solve a mystery or study for an exam, she was so used to danger that surviving was second nature for her.
Now, credit where credit is due: if everything had gone according to plan, Dash and Rarity wouldn’t have been in danger at all. Twilight had calculated the amount of cake they needed to blow up the ceiling with a controlled explosion, but Rainbow Dash had gotten excited and the result had been far bigger than anypony had expected.
And that is the part where Dash’s abilities came into play. While the explosion was dangerous, the really nasty stuff were the pieces of ceiling falling down. There’s no way to know if Dash knew that consciously, but one thing is clear: the moment she grabbed Rarity and flew right towards the explosion instead of trying to flee from it was the moment she saved their lives.
After all, it only takes the fastest pegasus alive to dodge the deadly pieces of rock that are falling towards you and outrun an explosion at the same time. While carrying Rarity.
It might seem an impossible feat, but for Dash, dodging that explosion was just a piece of cake.
“That literally defies every law of physics ever.”
“Oh, please. Dash can break the sound barrier without even thinking about it.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Somehow dodging a spherical, outward projecting wall of energy from an explosion is not that big a deal.”
Dash got up almost immediately, feeling a little dizzy and with her left ear buzzing, but overall, pretty well. She shook her head to clear out the last remains of mist in her brain, and then looked around.
And then she gulped.
Later, Dash would describe the after-explosion office with the words “exactly how one would imagine a normal office after an explosion”. It was as if Pinkie Pie had lost any control whatsoever and had been given a handful of trinitrotoluene and an encouraging wink. Debris everywhere, the smell of strawberry cake in the air, burned out furniture here and there, and no sign of the floor or three quarters of the walls—they had disappeared. Her own saddlebags were gone too, which meant they were alone and had no resources whatsoever.
“Well,” she muttered. “I guess that was, uh, stronger than we thought, eh, Rarity?”
“Hnnng.” From behind Dash came Rarity’s voice, with all the energy of a dead panda.
Silence.
Rainbow blinked. Now that she thought about it, going from zero to a lot of miles per hour in less than a second wasn’t new for her, but Rarity wasn’t exactly used to that kind of thing. A cold drop of sweat rolled down her spine and she gulped.
Oookay, she thought. Rarity was probably well, and not angry at her. Nope. She was definitely not going to suffer the consequences of blowing that office a little too much. Nuh-uh.
Still, when she talked, she chose not to turn around. “Um,” she said, “Rarity? …Was that you? Because if it wasn’t you I, uh, I think there’s a zombie bear in the room.”
“…Yes.”
“Yes as in ‘yes it is me, Rarity’, or yes as in ‘yes, the sanctity of life has been profaned, run for your life’?”
“I am here.”
Silence.
“Wait, that doesn’t really answer anything. What if you’re the bear, and—?”
“I’m not going to dignify that with an answer because I value our friendship too much, Dash.”
“Okay, sorry.”
Silence. Rainbow Dash still refused to turn around.
“…So,” Rarity finally said, her voice even more weak, “I’m going to be absolutely honest here: I don’t feel exactly okay right now.”
“That’s, uh, understandable,” Dash said, nodding. “I mean, I guess the explosion and the speed and everything can mess you up a l—”
“But,” Rarity interrupted, and it was amazing how much energy she could put in her words, seeing how she was making more or less the same noise a beetle makes during winter, “I’m absolutely sure it’s not that bad. Yes, I can hardly move, and everything is a little bit blurrier than usual, but I’m a hundred percent certain that my beautiful face has suffered absolutely zero damage.” A pause. “Get it?”
“Um. Yes.” Rainbow Dash nodded. “No damage.”
“Exactly,” Rarity said. “So, of course, the moment you look at me and see my extremely intact face, you’re not going to say anything about it, except maybe how the ashes, debris, and everything else have had no effect whatsoever.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Because otherwise I would get really angry.”
“Yes.”
“And you don’t want me to be angry.”
“No.”
“Good. Now turn around, and—”
“DEAR CELESTIA YOU LOOK HORRIBLE!”
“Oh, for goodness’ sake.”
“YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR FACE IS MADE OUT OF CUSTARD!”
“I honestly can’t understand how I trusted you to with this kind of thing.”
“YOU COULDN’T LOOK UGLIER EVEN IF YOU TRIED! I’M ACTUALLY SURPRISED MY EYES AREN’T MELTING!”
“I’m never pairing up with you in one of our adventures, ever again.”
Money Bags frowned. “Wait. Waaaaait a minute. Isn’t Rarity the one we’ve been threatening you with? The white and sassy one?”
“NOT EVEN A MILLION YEARS OF MAKEUP COULD FIX THAT HORRIBLENESS YOU DARE TO CALL YOUR FACE!”
“I swear to Celestia, Dash, the moment I feel my legs again I’m going to kick you in the most elegant and painful way possible.”
“That’d be her, yes,” Twilight said, nodding.
“Huh.” Money Bags arched an eyebrow. “Funny. I don’t recall her face looking like custard.”
“That’s because Dash is very bad at makeup mathematics,” Twilight said. “Rarity managed to fix herself quite nicely afterwards.”
“Wait. You mean, like, while in the casino?”
“Well, you have bathrooms, don’t you?” Twilight shrugged. “She just fixed her makeup.”
Money Bags frowned. “Fixed her makeup? In the bathroom?”
Twilight blinked. “Uh. Yes.”
“You can do that?”
Silence.
“What exactly do you think girls do when they go to the bathroom and stand in there for hours, exactly?”
“I don’t know. I always assumed you poop a lot?”
Silence.
Money Bags frowned. “What?”
More silence.
“What?! Why are you looking at me like that?!”
“I honestly don’t understand what’s wrong with you.”
“Come on, it’s the only logical explanation!”
“How do you even manage to get more stupid by the second?”
“I don’t—ugh.” Money Bags waved a hoof. “That’s not important! Your friends got trapped in the explosion, and then they survived. That’s what you were saying. Then what happened?”
Twilight sighed. “Well, that was the point where the entire plan went awry. You see, Dash and Rarity were supposed to get in your office, steal the papers, and then get away after giving us a heads up.”
“A heads up? How?”
Twilight looked at him. “What?”
“How were they supposed to give you a heads up?” Money Bags repeated. “Didn’t you just say they would leave immediately?”
“Well, yes.” Twilight frowned. “But there’s a reason why Spike is the Dashing Mailbox, remember?”
Silence.
“Oh. Oooooooooooooh—I don’t get it.”
“Sigh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Every time we had to say something to each other, we used Spike. He’s staying at the house, and his dragon fire can send letters. That’s how I usually communicate with Princess Celestia when I’m in Ponyville.”
“So you send him a letter, or…?”
“We send Spike a letter, and then he sends it back to its addressee.”
Money Bags nodded. “I get it. And how do you send him a message?”
“Well, I can use my magic,” Twilight said, “but the rest use dragonfire, simple as that.”
Silence.
Money Bags squinted. “Waaaait a minute. Are you telling me your friends are—?”
“They’re not dragons.”
“Oh. Good.” Money Bags nodded again. “That’s good. I don’t like dragons.”
Twilight shook her head. “We asked Spike to fill six bottles with dragonfire so we could use it whenever we needed. We can only send messages to him with it, though.”
“He filled seven bottles with fire?” Money Bags frowned. “You ignore the little guy all the time, and when the time of the heist comes, you just use him to fill some bottles? Isn’t that kind of cruel?”
“Okay, Spike,” Twilight said, patting the dragon in the shoulder, “we need you to burp enough flames to fill all those bottles in just one afternoon. Here you have sixteen bottles of soda and seven liters of ice cream. Are you up to the challenge?”
Silence.
Spike looked back at Twilight, tears in his eyes. “This is the greatest day of my life,” he muttered.
“…Yeah, I’m pretty sure he didn’t really mind.” Twilight shrugged. “And of course, we realized Dash and Rarity never sent any message with dragonfire. I guess they were too busy yelling at each other’s faces.” A pause. “Or, um, yelling and angrily muttering at each other, I don’t know.”
The only good thing about nobleponies is that they weren’t exactly athletic. Sure, they would have loved staying around Twilight a little bit longer, but there was a point in which their knees gave them an ultimatum: they could look for a more comfortable position or their legs could explode. Choose one.
So most of them had looked for a chair somewhere nearby, resulting in Twilight and Applejack getting a little bit more space to breathe.
Of course, that was the only good thing about nobleponies. There were a lot of bad things about them, though. Like how they liked to talk.
Celestia they liked to talk. Money Bags had been rambling for what felt like hours. Twilight and Applejack had stopped listening long ago.
“Wait, what?!” Money Bags said. “You weren’t listening?!”
Twilight blinked. “You seriously didn’t realize?”
The sound of Money Bags’ voice became nothing but background noise after a while, replacing the fireworks, which had stopped some time ago without anypony really noticing. Kind of a feat, seeing how the fireworks sounding like, well, fireworks inside of a building.
But then again, Money Bags was an economist. Everypony knows economists’ speeches are so boring, they become deafening. They’re the vocal equivalent of a black hole—time seems to slow down, a minute lasts three hours, and joy and happiness disappear completely, leaving only absolute despair and mild annoyance.
It took Twilight less than ten minutes of non-stop Money Bagging to lose her patience and shoot a glance at Applejack.
“Dash is running late,” her eyes were clearly saying. She had a very expressive look. Also, she wiggled her eyebrows a little and tapped the table four times, which was the widely accepted gesture for “Dash is running late”.
“I know,” Applejack replied via blinking twice. Also a widely accepted gesture.
Twilight scratched the back of her neck and stared at Applejack for three seconds, her pupils getting bigger. That meant something like “We should do something, we can’t hold Money Bags for much longer.” Not as widely accepted as the other two, but Twilight and AJ had a very rich gesture-related vocabulary.
Applejack rolled her eyes, shook her head a little, and clapped. That translated to “Hah! Ah’m pretty sure we can. Guy’s been talkin’ for ages. Ah think he wouldn’t notice if we ran away.” This one was pretty obscure, one must admit.
Twilight frowned, made a circle in the air with a hoof, and swung her head to the sides. “Wait a minute,” it meant, “how can you talk like this with an accent?”
Applejack stuck out her tongue and crossed her eyes. “Beg your pardon?” it meant.
From this point of the conversation, it might be better to just explain the translation of what they were gesturing, instead of describing the whole affair. It will be, at least, far simpler.
“You’re talking with an accent! How can you do that? You’re not even using your mouth here!”
“You ain’t makin’ one bit of sense. What do we do about Dash?”
“I don’t know. I’m having a bad feeling about this.”
“A bad feeling? What do you mean?”
“Well, Money Bags seems to be having a great time on his own…” Here Twilight made a little pause. “But I’m afraid for Pinkie and Fluttershy.”
“Oh. Darn. You’re right. They’re probably havin’ a hard time in the kitchens, aren’t they? They were supposed to hold the line for just half an hour or so…”
“The ponies in the kitchen need to be stressed for the plan to work! The longer they’re in there, the harder it will be for Shy and Pinkie to hold their control!”
“They’re probably scared right now!”
“The ponies in the kitchen must be at the edge of rebellion!”
“You! Melt that chocolate faster! You, pour that sugar! You three, good job, keep buggering on!”
“YES, MA’AM!”
“Now bring those cakes to tables three, five, and seven!”
“YES, MA’AM!”
Pinkie looked at Fluttershy, smiling. “They’re obeying me!”
Fluttershy beamed back. “I know!”
“Even the guards!”
“I know!”
“This is awesome!”
“I know!” Fluttershy said. “And this comically oversized bag of coins we brought with us has tripled its size for absolutely no reason!”
“This is the greatest day of my life!”
“We need to get them out of the kitchens this instant!”
By this point, Twilight and Applejack were slamming their heads into the table, jumping on their seats, and juggling with their cutlery to send their messages.
“I mean, you seriously thought we were paying you any attention whatsoever?”
Money Bags looked at the Princess and her bodyguard, who had been doing something very similar to an extremely clumsy Chicken Dance—with some random juggling thrown in here and there—in absolute silence for a while now, and shrugged. “Eh, You’re probably just a little epileptic. So, as I was saying, coins are actually very useful…”
“So yeah.” Money Bags shrugged. “That.”
“Ah. Yes, I guess that would explain it.”
“We need to do something!” Twilight was mimicking by that point. “We need to go to the kitchen!”
Applejack nodded. Not literally, of course. In that extremely subtle and impossible-to-detect body language they were using, nodding implied some minor shoulder gymnastic and an obloid mane flip. “So what do we do?”
“I don’t know!”
“But you’re Brains!”
“So? Pinkie is the one improvising, not me! Maybe we could send Dash a message? Ask her what’s wrong?”
“That sounds reasonable,” AJ gestured. “Ah’ll go to the bathroom and see what’s up.”
“Good.”
Both Applejack and Twilight blinked and shook their heads, returning their attention towards Money Bags, who was apparently explaining how having two coins is better than having one, but still worse than having three.
“…So,” he was saying, “you can take the third coin and change it for something useful! Like food, or a brick!”
“Fascinating!” Applejack said. And then she took her plate and threw it at Twilight.
“Hey!” Twilight looked at the stain of cake in her chest and frowned at Applejack. “What in the name of—?!”
“Oh. Whoops.” Applejack pressed a hoof against her cheek. “Ah’m so clumsy. Ah guess Ah’ll have to go to the bathroom now. Pomme de terre.”
“If you are the one going to the bathroom, you need to stain your own dress!” Twilight said, frowning. “Not mine!”
“Ah. Really?” AJ blinked. “Huh. Sorry, Ah guess. Ah’ll get it better next time.”
Money Bags and Twilight looked at her with a mix between a squint and a frown, but they couldn’t say a thing before Applejack got up and walked away.
“Quirky, aren’t they?” Money Bags muttered, turning back to Twilight. “The Pfrench ponies.”
“Oh, yes. Very.” Twilight nodded. “Veeery quirky, those Pfrench. Hah-hah. So, um, you were talking about coins? Or something?”
“Indeed! But—ah, your dress did indeed get stained, Princess!” Money Bags said, shaking his head. “What kind of gentlecolt would continue with his speech when a lady is in need of help?”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s nothing—”
“No, no, I have this covered.” Money Bags raised a hoof and looked around. “I’ll just call for a waiter and he’ll bring us a towel, or…”
Silence.
“…How funny,” Money Bags said, his pupils getting smaller all of a sudden, “my eyes must be playing tricks on me: it almost looks like that guard is not only abandoning his position, but working as a waiter from here…”
Twilight’s eyes opened wide as she saw Money Bags getting up and walking away from the table with a small “Excuse me for a second, Princess.”
And with those words, two things were proven:
First, the speed a bunch of nobleponies adopt when they see a princess has been left alone is so high the eye can’t catch it. By all practical senses, they managed to teleport from one table to another, giving Twilight less than a nanosecond of alone time.
Second, the speed at which a suddenly very scared alicorn can send two scrolls with magic is even faster than that one. Chances are Twilight created a giant black hole somewhere in the distant universe just by messing around with relativity that much.
Dash shuddered. “Woah!”
“Hm?” By her side, Rarity shot her a glance. “What’s the matter?”
“Either something ominous just happened, or there was a chilly breeze just now,” Dash said. “Is there any ventilation in this corridor?”
“No. We’re kind of underground.”
“Ponyfeathers.”
Dash had to admit it: Rarity was tougher than she looked. Sure, it had taken her a while, but eventually Rares shook her head, straightened her shoulders, and got up on her own. They had to get out of there, she had said. They had lost their saddlebags in the explosion, which meant that they couldn’t tell Twilight and the others about what had happened, so they had to move now.
And that’s what they did, with Rarity even leading the way through the empty white corridors that made up the casino’s underground levels, her face full of determination, even though it still kind of looked like custard.
Dash frowned. “Seriously, I have the feeling something bad happened.”
Rarity nodded. “Uh-huh. You blew up Money Bags’ office and now we can’t continue with the plan.”
“Yes, apart from that.”
“You also blew up a pretty big section of the Canterlot sewers,” Rarity said. “I’m fairly sure that makes it even more illegal.”
“Yes, well, apart from that too.”
“Our bottle of dragonfire is lost and we have no map. Also my face is temporarily ruined.”
“I mean something not caused by me!”
“No, no.” Rarity shook her head and rested a hoof on Dash’s shoulder. “I’m pretty sure that, whatever it is, if something goes wrong, it is your fault.”
“Hey!” Dash frowned. “You’re not perfect either, you know?! In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s all your fault!”
“What?!”
“Yeah!” Dash said. “I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Twilight sent you with me because you are the responsible one! You were supposed to make sure nothing went wrong! And now the sewers are gone. Gee, good job back there.”
“That makes absolutely no sense!”
“Of course it does!” Dash rolled her eyes. “I mean, come on! Twilight gave me explosives. Even I know that’s a bad idea, thank you very much. And you messed up! You messed up, Rarity!”
“I—you—that makes no sense!” Rarity shook her head. “You were the one playing with the cakes!”
“Anyway,” Dash said, looking forward once more, “I still have the feeling something off is going on. Like, up there. With Twilight and the rest.”
“What, you have a Pinkie Sense now?”
“Hey, I hang out with Pinks a lot,” Dash said, shrugging. “Maybe it rubbed off or something.”
“Well, I certainly see nothing wrong in here.” Rarity looked around. “I mean, there are still no guards in here, right? That means the plan is going wonderfully, and—”
Rarity was interrupted by a sudden floash! as a green flame appeared in front of them, and a scroll fell to the ground. Both mares closed their mouths and looked at it.
It said: “HURRY”.
Rarity and Rainbow Dash looked at each other. “Ponyfeathers,” Rarity muttered.
And then they both started to run.
BLAM! “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!”
The entire kitchen seemed to freeze at the sound of Money Bags opening that door and screaming like a banker opening a door and screaming really hard. Behind him stood three guards, looking as embarrassed as a little kid doing his homework during playtime.
The atmosphere changed from feverish yet euphoric work to mix between fear and sudden realization incredibly fast.
“Okay,” Money Bags continued, walking into the kitchen, the three guards following him. “So, I’m sitting at the table with Princess Twilight herself, trying to enjoy what’s probably our one and only chance to lure royalty into visiting my casino afterwards, and what do I see?”
Nopony answered. Orange Twirl hid behind Chocolate Pudding. Some of the guards that had been cooking tried very hard to look at someplace other than their boss and shuffled their hooves uncomfortably.
“What do I see?” Money Bags repeated, baring his teeth. “I see that some of my guards are working as waiters, completely ignoring their duties, and leaving the security of the casino unattended!”
More uncomfortable shuffling.
“And then they try to explain to me that my waiters are like ducks! Or something! Honestly I got a little lost at that point.”
“Uh, it’s a restaurant thing,” one of the cooks said. “It means they’re scared.”
“Oh.” Money Bags blinked. “Scared?”
“Yes. Like, everypony was asking them to take their order, and there were far too many nobleponies talking at the same time, and they panicked. Perfectly normal."
“Ooooh. Yeah, I guess that expl—I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF MY YELLING, DON’T INTERRUPT ME TO EXPLAIN THINGS!”
“Sorry.”
“…Anyway,” Money Bags shook his head. “Ahem. And then, my favorite part!” He clapped and smiled. “Apparently, they’re not the only ones doing that! Because, you see, my waiters are all gone! It looks like asking for cake gives them flashbacks of war, or something like that!”
“Well, we do have World War Cake veterans working here,” the same cook as before said. “But then again, the percentage of Cake veterans working in restaurants is always absurdly high, especially when one considers that war was, like, fifty years ago.” He frowned. “How come nopony ever questions this kind of thing?”
Money Bags glared at the cook.
“Oh.” The cook blinked. “Sorry. You can go on with your speech.”
“Say, that war would have been far more nasty if more ponies knew about the whole ‘explodes with tea’ thing,” Twilight muttered, frowning. “Yet another happy coincidence.”
“Cakes are horrible enough as weapons without the explosions,” Money Bags said, shaking his head. “Even I tremble when I remember my nana’s stories about the war.”
“So many casualties.”
“A horrible tragedy. And that’s coming from the guy who burns villages for giggles.”
“Why do we even bake cakes anymore? They’ve brought nothing but disgrace to ponykind.”
“Tell me about it.” Money Bags rolled his eyes. “You’ve been mercilessly talking about cakes for almost two hours by now.”
“That’s completely unrelated to this conversation.”
“Ah.” Money Bags blinked. “Now that you’ve paused the story for a second, I’ve been wanting to ask you something for a while now.”
Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Shoot.”
“You say chamomile tea and strawberry cake explode when they’re together,” he said, “but… isn’t that combination, like, Princess Celestia’s most favorite thing ever?”
“Oh, yes.” Twilight nodded. “I wondered the same thing when we discovered that. Then we remembered the Princess is immortal.”
Silence.
“What.”
“And, well, have you seen her tail and mane?” Twilight shook her head. “It’s always flowing and sparkling. That takes a lot of magic, and it has to come from somewhere.”
“Are you seriously implying the Princesses’ hair is explosion-based?!”
“Look, I only know that when Princess Luna came from the moon, her mane and tail were perfectly normal. Then she started to eat the same things as her sister, and next thing we know? Flowing magical mane.” Twilight squinted. “It all adds up.”
Money Bags squinted. “Oh my goodness. But… That implies their stomachs are always…?”
“They drink a lot of chamomile tea,” Twilight said.
Silence.
“…And the shockwave?”
“Look, I’m only making assumptions here, but when Luna came back she was shorter.” Twilight arched an eyebrow. “She grew very fast. It almost looked like something was pulling from her neck and legs… Or maybe something was pushing them away from her insides. Just saying.”
Silence.
“That implies,” Money Bags said slowly, licking his lips, “that if something were to happen to the princesses, all the explosion-based energy they’ve been storing…”
“They would explode?” Twilight blinked. “Oh my gosh that would mean they—”
“—they would go supernova. Sun and stars.”
Silence.
Twilight nodded to herself. “Wow.”
“Doesn’t that imply that the only thing that would survive the explosion would be the other princess? I mean, they’re explosion-proof.”
“So if Princess Celestia ever stops being immortal, we only need Princess Luna to eat us all and store us in her stomach until the danger is gone.”
“Sounds an awful lot like Nightmare Night, doesn’t it?”
“Maybe Princess Celestia just wanted to warn us all this time.”
“Okay, okay.” Money Bags raised a hoof. “I think we crossed a line here.”
Twilight blinked. “After a while we got a little bit stupid, didn’t we?”
“Pretty much.”
“Ahem. Sorry.” Twilight chuckled. “So, where was I?”
“I was very angry.”
“I’M VERY ANGRY!” Money Bags roared.
“Yeah, just like that.”
Everypony winced at Money Bags’ roar. Well, everypony but that particular cook, who was just watching everything with a nonchalant expression. What a nice gentlecolt.
That aside, one could have said the tension in the air could have been cut with a knife, but one of the guards was really trying to do that, and so far he hadn’t accomplished anything. There goes the metaphor. Still, it was kind of tense.
“And guess what, people? They tell me you all realized the kitchens were going through a teeeeny little bit of stress. And that’s bad!” Money turned around to face Chocolate Pudding and Orange Twirl. “Because professional cooks can’t stand pressure, right? It’s not like I HIRED YOU FOR THIS EXACT REASON, OH NO!”
“AND THEN YOU ALL DECIDED THAT, AFTER ALL, THE KITCHENS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE SECURITY OF THIS PLACE!” Money Bags roared, his voice like thunder thrown by an angry god. “SO LET’S GO AND ASK THE GUARDS TO HELP US! THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!”
“Wait, are you yelling at us because of what the guards did?” The cook blinked. “We were stressed, so we couldn’t think clearly. You can barely blame us.”
Money Bags sighed and turned to the cook. “Listen, I—”
“Plus, if you’re so worried about the security of the casino, shouldn’t you, like, ask the guards to go back to their places first, and then yell at us?”
Silence.
“Seriously,” Money Bags said, squinting, “what in the name of Celestia is wrong with you, kid? I’m trying to create some kind of menacing atmosphere in here, and you’re making me lose my mojo.”
“Ah. Sorry. I turn into a jerk when I’m stressed.”
“Well, stop that.”
“‘Kay, sir. Sorry, sir.”
“Sure, whatever. Anyway AFTER ALL, IT’S NOT LIKE WE HAVE A FREAKING PRINCESS IN HERE, RIGHT?! SECURITY IS NOT THAT IMPORTANT, DEAR CELESTIA, LET’S BAKE SOME CAKES! AM I RIGHT?!”
Absolute silence.
“Pfft. Heheh.”
Money Bags turned around immediately, his eyes the size of balloons, baring his teeth like a dog that just saw his favorite sausage surrounded by chewy children. His pupils were like peas in the middle of the ocean, his mane was straight up like a hedgehog on the day of its wedding, his nostrils were bigger than the nostrils of a pony with, like, really big nostrils.
The one who had snickered was, of course, Pinkie Pie. Standing in the middle of the room and holding that comically large bag of gold, she was looking at Money Bags with a little smile on her face.
Fluttershy was hiding behind her, trembling like a leaf in mid-October.
Money Bags’ eyes twitched. Both. At the same time. It was kind of a weird thing to see, to be honest—made it look like he was trying to wink and messing it up really bad—but it carried the message across pretty nicely. The message being, of course, “I’m extremely angry.”
“I might not be seeing things well due to the fact I’m extremely angry,” Money Bags muttered while looking at Chocolate Pudding, showing once more that economists had no idea how normal ponies express emotions, “so correct me if I’m wrong, but… Are those two, by any chance, customers? In my kitchen?”
“Oh, yeah,” the jerk cook said. “Those two got in here and started shouting orders. Things like ‘get the guards here so the security of the casino gets greatly downplayed'.” He blinked. “Woah, and we listened? Boy, we’re stupid.”
“Okay, no, seriously.” Money Bags looked at the cook. “Shut up.”
“Heheh. This is silly!” Pinkie Pie said, looking at Fluttershy. “This is like that time we went to the circus! Only there’s far less blood. Right?” She elbowed Fluttershy. “Right?”
Fluttershy’s eyes were almost completely white, and her knees were trembling so much one could actually hear them. Judging by the looks of it, she was trying to scream in fear, with… mixed results. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—"
Money Bags looked like he was going to shoot lasers out of his eyes any moment now. “WHAT ON EQUESTRIA ARE THEY DOING HERE?!”
Pinkie beamed. “I’m the Boss!”
Silence.
“The Boss.”
“Yes!”
“Of my kitchen.”
“Yes!”
“You’re the one who made the guards leave their positions.”
“Yes!”
“Toldya,” said the jerk cook. “I think it’s because of that top hat. It creates an air of authority. Well, that, and our aforementioned stupidity, of course.”
“You do realize that’s a crime and that I’m going to get you—and your comically oversized bag—thrown into jail for it, right?” Money Bags’ voice was like the creaking of the ice one’s stepping on. “And you,” he said, turning around and facing the guards, who winced, “do realize that being fired after this is the least I can do to you once those two are out of here, don’t you?!”
All the guards talked at the exact same time. “Y-YES, SIR!”
“THEN STOP MESSING AROUND, TAKE CARE OF THOSE TWO, AND GO BACK TO WO—”
“Ah!” Pinkie interrupted. “Wait a minute. You’re kicking us out?”
“OF COURSE I AM KICKING YOU OUT!”
“But why? We were helping!” Pinkie said, making a pout. “We did nothing wrong!”
“YOU MADE MY EXTREMELY IDIOTIC GUARDS ABANDON THEIR JOBS! YOU PUT IN DANGER THE ENTIRE CASINO! CELESTIA KNOWS WHAT HAS HAPPENED WHILE YOU WERE HERE WREAKING HAVOC!”
“Yes, but their cakes are amazing,” the cook said.
“SHUT UP!”
“Well, if you look at it like that, I guess we did something bad. Right, Summer Breath?”
“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
“Oh, right, you were panicking. Anyway!” Pinkie turned around and faced Money Bags, who by this point was probably having some kind of ulcer or something. “There’s actually a perfectly rational and convincing explanation as to why we’re here, and why we took your guards and kitchen by storm!”
Silence.
Money Bags squinted. “…There is?”
“Yep! And it’s extremely legal and definitely non-threate—SMOKE BOMBS!”
Wha—?
And then Pinkie threw a bunch of smoke bombs into the kitchen.
Seriously, somepony should start seeing this coming by this point.
“You know, when somepony screams ‘smoke bomb’ at your face, your first reaction is to be baffled, not to expect a smoke bomb.”
“Sounds reasonable,” Twilight said, nodding. “But you didn’t come out of the kitchen running after them, right? What did you do? It’s the only thing I don’t know about the story.”
“Well, I did the only logical thing,” Money Bags said.
“GET THEM!” Money Bags screamed between coughs, pointing at the now open door. “GET THEM RIGHT NOW OR SO HELP ME!”
It was surprisingly hard to move in the kitchen—that weird mare had used, what? Three smoke bombs? Money Bags wasn’t sure, but one thing was clear: at the moment, two mares had made sure the casino had as little protection as possible, and at least one of them had smoke bombs. Which meant she was probably heavily armed, too. Celestia knew what was in that comically oversized bag they were carrying. Explosives, probably. Or poison. Poisoned explosives. Deadly poisoned explosives. Deadly poisoned explosives of death.
The guards were struggling to get out—after all, the kitchen was very crowded, and one could barely see a meter in front of one’s head. The kitchen was as foggy as a kitchen full of smoke.
“Look, I’m an economist. I’m good at concrete thinking, not poetry, okay?”
Many of the guards had managed to get away and chase those two mares, though. And the smoke was slowly fading away.
Money bags was coughing so badly he felt like his throat was on fire, but he didn’t care. “You, the six idiots!” he yelled, pointing at a group of six guards that was already at the door. “Those two clearly have some kind of plan! Go to my office and make sure everything is in order there! If you see something fishy, lock the door, run, and look for help!”
“YES, SIR!”
“Nopony can enter this kitchen,” Money Bags continued, this time looking at Chocolate Pudding and Orange Swirl. “If anypony does, then that pony is suspicious, and you should get them! Even if they’re dressed as a guard!” He turned around. “You four! Go to the main door and make sure nopony escapes. The pegasus, go with them, and get the special guards here. They want to lower our security, so let’s pump it up. And be careful! This is a code red if I’ve ever seen one!”
“YES, SIR!”
“I’ll be at the restaurant, with the princess. She’s probably in danger, too, so the moment the special guards are here, you bring them to me! Understood?!”
“YES, SIR!”
“STOP SAYING THAT AND GET MOVING!”
“YES, SI—oh wait. Hahah. Yeah.”
“Oh, so that’s why those guys weren’t there at the start,” Twilight said, looking at the watermelonian guards. “I was wondering about it, to be honest.”
“I don’t usually let them in the casino, because they scare the nobleponies,” Money Bags said. “But you know what they say about desperate times and desperate measures.”
Silence.
“‘Desperate’ in this case meaning ‘full of muscles’.”
“Yes, yes, I got it.”
For some wonderfully random reason, the closest bathroom Applejack could locate was both in front of the door that led to the private part of the casino and right next to the empty stage. Quite an interesting place, she thought, full of meaningful locations. She was absolutely sure that was some absolutely unimportant information that was definitely not going to pay off later.
“My, Ah don’t even know why Ah bother noticin’ all this stuff. Hah, hah! Trivial. Now, onwards to the bathro—Wait, what is that?”
She frowned and perked up her ears. There was some turmoil near her.
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
Rramblamblamblamblamblamblam!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Applejack blinked. “Huh. That sounded like…” she licked her lips. “Like a bunch of buffalos chasin’ an overcaffeinated puppy that’s draggin’ some kind of terrified ladybug around? Huh. What a weirdly specific sound.”
And then, right in front of her, she saw Pinkie Pie running, with a huge grin on her face (“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”) dragging a terrified Fluttershy and a comically oversized bag that was probably filled with either bombs or poison (“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”) and being chased by a group of at least twenty guards, producing a sound with their hooves that made the ground tremble (rramblamblamblamblam!) and screaming their lungs out, either in rage or in terror, Applejack couldn’t really tell (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!).
Silence.
“Wow,” she said. “Ah was spot on there. Go me.”
More silence.
“Wait a min—WHAT IN THE NAME OF CELESTIA IS HAPPE—PINKIE PIE! FLUTTERSHY! GIIIIIIIRLS!”
Completely surrounded by ever-smiling nobleponies, Twilight had been looking around like a meerkat on guard duty for a while now, desperately seeking some kind of signal from her friends. The nobleponies were saying something, of course—there were like fifteen conversations at the same time—but she had chose to smile and nod instead of listening. Far better for her sanity.
She would have gladly gotten up to look for them in a more efficient way, but the nobleponies were really pushy. Plus, she thought, scowling, she had to give Applejack a chance. Her friend was perfectly capable of solving any possible problem that could maybe have hypothetically potentially happened perhaps by chance. Yeah. No reason to worry.
Then her ears perked up and she blinked. What was that sound? “It’s like…” she muttered, interrupting the nobleponies, who looked at her, “it’s like… Buffalos?” She frowned. “Chasing an overcaffeinated puppy and a terrified ladybug? And that other thing sounds like a sentient apple running after them.”
“That’s awfully specific, Princess!” a random noblepony said.
“Yes, I know.” Twilight was still frowning. “But that’s how it sounds, ridiculous as it is—”
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
Rramblamblamblamblamblamblam!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“HOWDY HOWDY HOWDY AH’M PFRENCH!”
Silence.
“…Okay, that was eerily spot-on,” the same random noblepony said.
“Girls!” Twilight got up and followed the bizarre parade with her eyes. They were running towards the gambling section, away from them. “Girls! Oh, Celestia, I gotta—”
“Oh! Oh!” Another noblepony got up too. And then, like, a thousand more did the same. “We’re going too!”
Twilight shook her head. “No, uh, I’m going to the bathroom, so—”
“We’re going there too! With you!”
“We’ll follow you anywhere!”
“We have absolutely no individuality whatsoever!”
“Yeah! We’re not really self-conscious either!”
“I love going to the bathroom!”
“Ugh.” Twilight rolled her eyes. “Okay, I’m going to the, uh, Princess Bathroom. You can’t go with me.”
“I love the Princess Bathroom!”
“Me too!”
“Princess Bathrooms are my favorite!”
“We can wait for you by the door!”
“Waiting by the door is amazing!”
“I love doors!”
“And I love waiting!”
“Oh, for the love of—” Twilight frowned. “I need to go somewhere alone!”
“I love being alone! We can be alone together!”
“Loneliness is totally my thing.”
“Everypony knows society is horrible anyway.”
“Doors are pretty lonely too.”
Twilight bared her teeth. “I need to be alone because it will be dangerous!”
“Danger is so in!”
“I’ve been in danger all my life!”
“I just adore putting my life at risk. Don’t we all?”
“Natural selection should have taken care of us long ago!”
Twilight hit the table with her forehead. A bunch of nobleponies did the same. Okay, she thought, I can’t risk all these ponies getting hurt, no matter how tempting it looks. She just needed to trust Applejack.
Yes, Applejack was trustworthy. She was the second most-responsible pony in the group, after all. In fact, look at her go! Twilight thought. All running, and screaming, and masterfully keeping her Pfrench façade. Yes. That is responsible. Go keep on being responsible, Applejack.
“PINKIE PIE! FLUTTERSHY!” It was amazing how Applejack managed to make herself heard above every other sound. “GIIIIIIRLS!”
Well, okay, she, uh, she totally blew Pinkie and Fluttershy’s cover right there, Twilight thought, but she must remain confident! She was sure Applejack had a plan. Yes, that would make sense!
“AH HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PLAN WHATSOEVER! AH’M JUST RUNNIN’ AND SCREAMIN’! BONJOUR!”
Silence.
Twilight hit the table with her face even harder.
“Hey,” said one of the few nobleponies who didn’t imitate her, “what is going on there? What is that ruckus?”
“Well, I certainly don’t want to know,” a mare said. “Plus, I’m pretty sure it’s a Pfrench thing.”
“The guards look like they’re serious.”
“Definitely a Pfrench thing.”
“In fact, they look exactly like a bunch of guards chasing two criminals.”
“What a wonderful culture.”
Twilight groaned and looked back at her friends. The Casino was so stupidly big that she could still see them. The building was indeed bigger than Sweet Apple Acres. Well, she thought, at least Applejack was catching up to them. That was a relief. Sure, half the casino suspected them and chances were the Royal Guards were coming, but they could still have hope—
And of course, Spike chose that exact moment to send the scroll to Applejack. Which meant that a sudden burst of green flames appeared in front of the running pony—flash!—who got understandably startled and tripped.
Tripped in such a way that the unrolled scroll landed riiiight on her face, covering her eyes completely.
Which meant she couldn’t get her balance back.
Which meant she fell down without stopping.
Which meant she hit the ground while carrying enough inertia to lift a small bull and two Pinkie Pies.
Applejack rolled across the room like a cart wheel in a bowling alley, missing the guards by a landslide, and only stopped when she hit a wall, startling more or less everypony surrounding her.
Pinkie, Fluttershy, and the guards kept running, and moments later they were deep into the gambling section, making it impossible to follow them.
Applejack, scroll still on her face, was laying on the ground, and judging from the look of it she was as dizzy like a drunk dandelion.
Silence.
Twilight covered her eyes with her hooves. “I should have gone with Rarity.”
“I should have gone with Twilight!” Rarity screamed, still running along the seemingly endless corridors. “I seriously should have gone with Twilight!”
“Well, you didn’t!” Dash replied. “So shut up and keep running! We’re almost there!”
There’s a funny thing about underground pyramids: they make absolutely no sense and shouldn’t exist at all. That is a fact.
There’s another funny thing about them, too: no matter how big you think they are, they are always bigger. Always. Seeing how Rarity and Dash were at the base when they started running, and they kept going up, logic said that each level would be smaller than the last.
Judging by the results of their run, Dash and Rarity had come to the conclusion that either logic didn’t work that way or Money Bags knew absolutely nothing about pyramids, because the exit seemed to get further away instead of closer, no matter how much they ran.
“Do you think Twilight is in trouble?!” Dash asked as they came up on the fifth set of stairs going up. “That message looked ominous!”
“Seeing how we—and by ‘we’ I mean you—have messed up our part of the plan, I’m positive something bad is going on up there, yes,” Rarity replied, panting a little. “We, ah, we needed to get away from here as fast as possible, after all!”
“Problems with the guards?”
“Probably!” Rarity nodded. “The moment we get out of the bathroom, we go to the kitchens to make sure everything is okay!”
“Sounds like a—wait.” Dash blinked. “Bathroom?”
“Yes.”
“But Twilight said we have to hurry!”
“And we’ll hurry. Once I can spend ten minutes in the bathroom.”
“Rarity!” They came across another set of stairs and went up again. “This is an emergency!”
“My face is an emergency.”
Dash blinked again. “What does your face have to do with anything?!”
A pause.
“Why do you think I want to go to the bathroom, exactly?”
“I don’t know. You’re gonna poop a lot?”
There was a small pause. Money Bags just smirked.
Twilight arched an eyebrow. “Now, before you say a single word, know that Rainbow Dash knows literally nothing about mares. So yeah, if you think this justifies your argument, then I’m sorry, but no.”
“What?” Money Bags frowned. “But she’s a girl herself!”
“Indeed she is.”
Silence.
“Your point being?”
“She has to know something about mares!”
“You have never met Rainbow Dash in your whole life.”
“IT’S A BIOLOGICAL NECESSITY!”
“You seriously have never met Rainbow Dash in your whole life.”
Many things crossed Fluttershy’s mind as she was being dragged by Pinkie Pie.
Horror, for example. And terror. Panic. Some plain old fear, to give it a little bit of spice. Seething terror, too, which was very different from normal terror, or at least it was if you knew your way around this kind of stuff.
She also noticed how pretty the floor was, now that she was at its level, but overall her thoughts could have been summarized in one simple line: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
One thing had to be said about Fluttershy: she always spoke her mind.
“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE—Oh, hey, something shiny!”
And then Pinkie did it again.
Now, this one might be hard to explain…
“Celestia knows Fluttershy found it difficult,” Twilight muttered. “The poor girl was scared out of her mind.”
“No, really? I’m so glad you told me. That wasn’t clear at all.”
…but it was, or at least that’s what Fluttershy thought, similar to what Pinkie had done before the card game: they were in one part of the casino, and then they were in a completely different one, and the space between those two points had… disappeared? For a second or two.
There was no warning, there was no sound, there was no sudden flash of light, there was only Pinkie being, apparently, Pinkie again.
“So… They teleported?”
“I don’t think so,” Twilight said. “Neither of them is a unicorn, after all. They just… did that.”
A pause.
Money Bags frowned. “What?”
“It’s just… How to explain this?” Twilight bit her lip. “Do you know how sometimes you’re washing your clothes and suddenly a sock is missing? Like, only one sock?”
“Uh. I guess?”
“And that makes no sense, because you clearly had the four socks with you when you started washing them, and you didn’t lose any.”
“I mostly assume the cleaning lady messed up,” Money Bags said.
“And then you try to look for the sock,” Twilight continued, “but it’s not on the floor, it’s not in the closet… it’s just gone. Bam. No sock.”
“What a horrible cleaning lady.”
“Well, Pinkie is like that,” Twilight finished with a nod.
Silence.
“She’s a cleaning lady?”
“No. She’s a disappearing sock.” Twilight shrugged. “It doesn’t make any sense, and basic logic says that it shouldn’t be, but that doesn’t matter, because it happens anyway.”
Money Bags blinked. “Uh… What happens, again?”
“Pinkie. Pinkie happens.”
Silence.
“Okay, at some point in this conversation I got absolutely lost,” Money Bags said, running a hoof through his mane. “I think it’s my fault because I stopped paying attention due to the fact you’re boring as heck. So let’s recap: you were going to fire the cleaning lady, right?”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Oh, for Celestia’s… Pinkie is weird. There. Said it.” She glared at him. “Are you happy now?”
“I’m just concerned about the quality of my cleaning personnel.”
“I hate you so much.”
“A-hah!” Pinkie let Fluttershy go, alongside their comically oversized bag of gold, and put them both on the ground. “I think we’ve lost them!”
They were right in the middle of the gambling section now, completely surrounded by slot machines being frantically operated by nobleponies, poker tables filled with nobleponies holding cards with angry faces, and absolutely empty backgammon tables, because nopony knows how to play backgammon.
It was funny how little attention they were paying them. A beaming earth pony dragging a pegasus and a giant bag had appeared out of absolutely nowhere after running across the casino for what had felt like hours, and yet the most exaggerated reaction they had gotten from the nobleponies had been a slightly frownier face and a subtle head-shaking. It looked like nopony cared about them.
Had such a thing happened in Ponyville, chances were the entire town would be panicking by now. That wasn’t such a big deal, of course—Ponyville citizens had once panicked because of a bunny stampede, which was right above ‘mild chilly breeze’ and below ‘spicy food’ in the Least Threatening Ever Things List—but still, even a normal place would have got at least a reaction.
Group psychology at its finest: if one pony panics, then everypony panics. If nopony panics, then they stand still, stiff as ever. The Flower Trio from Ponyville were amazing at panicking first—they had a competition going on; Daisy was winning at the moment, but Roseluck was the favorite—and even without them, normal ponies like Fluttershy or Cheerilee filled the part.
But the nobleponies? They had no initiative whatsoever. Sure, if one of them panicked then the others would follow, but there was no trigger. They couldn’t be asked to do something by themselves. That’s what peasants did. Last time the nobility had felt like doing something, Princess Luna had tried to kill everypony, and they had learned their lesson.
And, well, the only ones that mattered were Princess Twilight and Money Bags. The rest were just part of the scenery for the nobleponies. Background noises. Seeing how Twilight and Money Bags were just feeling worried and angry respectively…
Well, let’s just say the nobleponies weren’t really passionate about the whole ‘the guards are looking for those two screaming mares’ business. It was probably a guard thing, they thought.
Truly an interesting thing to notice. Even Fluttershy would have found such information useful if it wasn’t for the fact that she was busy being horribly scared.
“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
“Wait, you’re still panicking?” Pinkie frowned and poked Fluttershy on the side. Fluttershy fell to her left with limbs stiff like a statue. She even made a clonk sound. “Really? How can you even do that?”
“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
“Did you even stop to breathe, or is this the same freakout from the kitchen?”
“—aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”
Silence.
Fluttershy shook her head, relaxed, and finally started breathing as heavily as a dog after chasing a stick that smells like a cat. Her cheeks were red. “U-ugh,” she said after a second or two, swallowing and looking at Pinkie, “I-I think I’m done.”
“You sure?” Pinkie asked, head cocked to the left.
“Yes, yes.” Fluttershy cleared her throat with a cough. “I, um, I think I just needed to vent.” She shivered as Pinkie helped her up. “That… That was really scary.”
“Are you kidding me?” Pinkie grinned. “It’s been the funniest thing we have done in months! Money Bags was hilarious!”
“He looked like he was going to shoot lasers out of his eyes any moment.”
“And it would have been hilarious!”
“It would have killed us.”
“And it would have been hilarious!”
Silence.
“…I’m just glad it’s all over,” Fluttershy said.
“Over? The guards are still looking for us!” Pinkie said, shaking her head. “This is just the beginning, Fluttershy!”
“Wait. What.”
“Yeah! They’re probably getting closer as we speak,” Pinkie continued, looking around. “I don’t see them, but maybe they’re just really good at hiding! And the minute they catch us will be the absolute end for us! We’ll be thrown into the dungeons forever!”
“What.”
“We should do something about it, yes!” Pinkie tapped her chin. “We stand out too much, don’t you think? With the bag and everything. We need to get rid of it!”
“…Can you, uh, repeat the whole ‘dungeons’ part?”
“Good idea!” Pinkie nodded. “I’ll run away and hide! You stay here and try to get rid of the bag! Be careful, they’ll probably recognize it and you’ll end up in trouble!”
Fluttershy blinked. “Wait, wait, wait. I get the bag?! But I—”
“If you’re going to be alone, you need to be dapper!” Pinkie raised a hoof, there was a plop! and suddenly she had another top hat on her hoof. It looked eerie and alive and elegant. “Here, put this on!” Pinkie said. “My, it looks so good on you!”
“I—you—the bag?! I can’t carry the—”
“Well, that’s all!” Pinkie interrupted. “Remember that if they get you you’re gonna experience the most terrifying thing in your life, so be careful!” She patted Fluttershy on the head. “Goodluckbye!”
“Wait!”
But it was too late. One moment Pinkie had been there, the next one she was not. Fluttershy stood there, blinking like a deer in front of a forest fire, for a couple seconds.
Then she heard a voice saying something like “You go there! I’ll search in this area! They won’t escape as long as I’m on watch!”
A pause.
“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa—”
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Ah so we reach the last stretch of the story... pity.
5618423
Do we? There are nine chapters total, mate. We're but starting here.
5618437 Oh... well then this got more interesting.
The Princess tea conversation was mindblowing.
And if strawberry icing had nitroglycerin in it then you wouldn't need tea; it would explode as you were putting it on the cake! That stuff is hella unstable. So maybe go with another type of explosive? I can see icing having some plastique in it...
This story makes me so happy.
So Luna and Celestia are powered by internal combustion? Huh.
Luna and Celestia can take it because they're immortal right? And they're immortal because they're alicorns. So what happens if Twilight drinks chamomile tea and eats strawberry cake? Will she get an awesome magic mane or just fart a lot? We need to find out now! For science!
And I died. I just died laughing the way I have for every chapter. Hopefully I'll get out of the afterlife before the next chapter
But weren't they bothered by the explosions caused from the nobleponies who didn't move?
rofl this story keeps getting better.
What. The. Buck.
5619225
Well, I i imagine her alicorn powers haven't fully grown in yet. So, awesome magic farts.
5618437 AWESOME!
DON'T EVER APOLOGIZE FOR THAT!
That 'internal combustion' section. I just woke up my sleeping gf with my laughter
What the buck happened?
The story was epic!!! So much heart and love...
But now it feels like a dumpin' ground for when you're bored.
*sits alone* I felt so happy when I discovered this story. It was clever, creative and carefully mixed with some silly.
I-I miss that story. i can't even delude myself that Twilight's silly storytelling is a diversion, since Money Bags and his goons are actually acting over the top and insultingly stupid.
Despite my aching heart, I still feel obligated to thank you for the first several chapters. They were amazing.
That story deserved so much praise.
...
...
Against my better judgement, I might stick around a lil longer. I want to pretend that this unfunny stupidity is part of some greater plan.
Have you considered adding the "Random" tag to this story yet?
5623717
Nope. I hate that tag with a passion, and I only use it when strictly necessary. All the "random/crackfic-ish" elements in this story have been foreshadowed to death, so the story has internal consistency. That is the opposite of random.
My comedy is ridiculous and silly, of course, but I never go for random. Random means unpredictable, something that came out of nowhere. If you re-read chapters one-to-five, you'll see there are many clues to the cake thingy.
I get that you were trying to help, so don't misread this as me being an ass (I just woke up and I don't know how to talk to people due to me being an idiot). Guess it's a miracle it took a reader so much to ask me for the random tag -- usually it in about three comments. Aaargh I hate that tag so much, goddammit.
5620654 Could you explain why you feel like the story just became unfunny? I actually think that the story only gets funnier as the characters get settled in.
Seriously, while reading the story, I felt like copying some good pun here and comment on it. Then I came upon a better one. Then again. And again. If I were to paste them all that would mean spamming the comment section, so I'll just leave it at this:
I honestly fear right now, that after this story there won't be any good puns for seven years, because you used all the stock.
This story is just amazing! I've read some stuff of similar quality before, but they were always oneshots with 15k at maximum.
This is the first story I've ever seen to hold up this quality in such consistency for over 50k.
I hope you can keep it up for the rest of the story, but you already made this my personal top one comedy story here (and I read a lot of them.)
5620654 Clearly you are new to Aragon's stories. You had the wrong idea of what this story was from the beginning.
It was clever, creative, and perfectly calculated cake explosively mixed with all the silly.
Can you do a crossover that pits this version of the main six against the LSSTWD crew?
Or make them work together...
Poor Fluttershy would end up traumatized either way.
Are we sure the sassy one is even Rarity? It could be Pinkie or AJ of Spike covered in flour with fake eyelashes, yo.
Also, have I said yet how much I love this story? No?
I love this story like Twilight loves rambling monologues.
I am so very, very glad that this is a thing.
Yeah, that is what the state would call it.
This conversation of "gesture-related vocabulary" seems kind of familiar.
Kind of like this:
It is not that no one knows how to play backgammon, it is just that backgammon is a trap because only spies play backgammon.
I will have you know that I have eaten strawberry cake and drank chamomile tea together many times and I have only sometimes exploded.
~KBO.
I took a quick break before reading this chapter to watch a little bit of The Amazing World of Gumball. THEY ARE EXACTLY THE SAME.
Ya think? And you wonder why readers associate Family Guy and Monty Python with your style of writing...
I mean it didn't seem like that at first for a few chapters, but as you went on....
I love pinkie pie.....she's just so.....well pinkie
A LITTLE?
Ya think?!
No kidding.
I liked this story, but now it is just a bunch of overused jokes. Jokes used over and over and OVER again.
5626973
So, running with the casino theme, what you're saying is that the game was rigged from the start?
5649598
Wait, I know how to play Backgammon...
Something something Spiderman web sudden stop broken neck something something...