Red Rose ran away from the School for a reason--She never wanted to go there but she was taken there anyway. For six months, she survived on her own, not using any of her magic, keeping herself hidden from the evil ponies call the Shadow or Demon Ponies while earning money to buy a one way train ticket home... but then a damn Guardian had to come and get her, and force her to go back to the place she hated.
For ten years, Risky Ace has been running away from his past, he went from be a royal to a guardian and then promptly rose in ranks. He lost his first charge to his parents who had become Shadow Ponies and vowed to do better if he ever had another charge. He turned to mentoring ponies learning to become guardians. Five years later, he got called to be a guardian to a runaway pony that didn’t want to be at the school in the first place.
When these two meet they aren't necessarily on the best of terms. Will time bring them together? Or will they always be butting heads? Or will something entirely unexpected happen?
*puts on critique glasses*
Hmmmm .... I like it! It flows pretty nicely and even though your language is simple it fits the story.
This stroy gives off a vibe that you have a massive story in your head and you just want to write it all down. Some bits feel rushed and others confusing, I know that you want to explain bits later on in the story but it doesn't really have an effect when the chapter all your explanations are in is published. The concept for the story is good though. But if you want to mature a little don't write POV. Still write it as a POV but don't call it that. This may sound absurd but it does make your story feel a little less "Oh I am a fanfiction writer on the internet" and more of a "I write intesting stories that are certainly a worthy read,"
Because I feel this is a worthy story. If you expanded your vocabulary a little and perhaps gave a bit of description towards your character your story would boost up a lot! Last thing I want to mention is the fact that Equestria doesn't have electricity. Even if this is set when electricity does exist it still sound a bit wierd that they have phones and elevators. Also, how do ponies hold phones? Not a question relsted to the story but honestly HOW???
Just to leave you with that thought~
*takes critique glasses off*
I really hope I didn't offend you in any way. I really like your story so keep updating! I hope this gets popular!
From The Guy Who Has No Life So He Does Criticism On Mlp Fanfics
Pretty good. This is your first fic, correct? While it has its flaws, it definitely looks and sounds good. I like it!
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Rose: First to address the phone and electricity issues; Electricity: actually, if one looks at say any episode involving Rarity and Fashion, it is quite possible they have electricity. Also, there are quite a few lights through out Equestria that would require electricity to function, as well as other machines that also need electricity. And I think there were elevators in "Rarity Takes Manehattan", so the elevators could work. Phones: While the way Twilight and Celestia communicate does seem quite efficient, How would a earth pony achieve this without a baby dragon like spike? or a Pegasus for that matter. For Unicorns the magic... "faxing" is quite useful. And yes, in our story, we do say that they have magic, but there are rules for them to use the magic for self-gain and also remain good. So the Phones would be much bigger than ours. they would lift the receiver up with their mouth or wing or hoof (depending on which type of pony they are or what they are comfortable with) and then they would hit the speaker button. they clearly wouldn't have cell phones, as there is no way for them to use those with no magic. (for unicorns they could hold them up if they really wanted to). On the subject of both Evevators and Phones, obviously the buttons would be large enough for them to hit easily.
But Ace and I do Thank you for your criticism, and we will do our best to improve our writing in our chapters. The other bits that were referenced but not explained will be explained in the next two chapters. Hopefully we did set up the story so you will come back as we update.
Thanks!
Sincerely, Rose