Phebe journeys to the Badlands in search of the Changelings. She had been given a message to deliver to them. Little did she know, that in giving the message, she would be sucked into the lives of those Changelings. Will she be able to deal with them knowing that they had killed her mentor?
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I would really enjoy seeing where this goes. I am enjoying the parallels to Moses and Jonah.
5318377
I'm glad that you like it. Good catch on the Jonah parallel. Though, I have to admit, I don't recall if I was going for a Moses parallel. I wrote the initial drafts of these chapters almost a year ago. Anyway, I hope that I don't disappoint. =)
5319311
The reason I see Moses is because she said "'I Am' has sent me."
5319325
Oh. Hah, yeah I guess that does make sense. I probably intended that way back when. Regardless, nice catch.
I like it.
5397090
Well, that makes one of you.
Glad to hear, nonetheless.
Epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5537206
That's what I was aiming for. The turnabout had been a long time coming. Tied with the first chapter, I really feel accomplished on this one.
I am wondering of those who have read this did you just come to dislike it because it because it has religious themes? If so please just fuck off it is not courteous to do that to a person who you don't even know!
5542623
I honestly have no idea. It's not a big deal, though, so don't worry about it. I still intend on finishing the story and potentially do a sequel. As much as I would like to get some positive feedback, it doesn't drive me to do what I do. At the least, you read and comment on it, and I appreciate that a lot.
5542623
5544702
My guess is that those drive-by downvotes are mostly due to the story description. Explicitly referencing a "seventh Element of Harmony" in the story description is one of those red flags that usually indicates that the story is a wish-fulfillment for the author's self-insert Mary Sue, and will generally get your story downvoted and/or ignored.
I've only ever seen one story that pulled that "seventh element" off successfully, really -- and it only worked because (a) there was no hint that it was coming until Element number seven (the Element of Forgiveness) actually appeared at the climax of the story, and (b) the recipient was somepony who had, by that point, been put through the story's wringer, and gone through sufficient trials and character development, to have believably earned it.
5694125
Ah! Thank you for mentioning that; I didn't realize it had that connotation. When I can, I'll rewrite the summary then. Hopefully, that'll help. Thanks again.
5694334
Yeah, it basically carries similar connotations to making your OC protagonist an alicorn, or somepony who just happens to be intimately related to one of the Mane Six, or a Dark Secret From Celestia's Past, et cetera -- basically, those things are often the amateur writer's way of trying to make their personal OC character seem "special" and important, without the character actually having done anything in-story to earn it yet. Those tropes can be pulled off successfully, in the hands of a skilled writer, but it requires a great deal of finesse and a strong underlying premise to get the reader to go along with it.
Honestly, the whole notion of a "seventh Element" is something that's probably best avoided entirely. Admittedly, you'd probably have to go back and do quite a bit of revision at this point to remove it completely, but if it's really an important plot element (so to speak), then my suggestion would be, don't explicitly name it as such in the beginning, and don't give the game away too early in the story by having your protagonist knowing exactly what it is and how to use it on command, as she does now. Let it be a mystery, both to your readers and to the character herself, as to exactly what the nature of this peculiar artifact and her connection to it is; and instead of having her activate it on command whenever she wants, maybe have it only activate itself when she acts in a way that demonstrates the virtue supposedly represented by it. The idea is to lay a strong foundation for it by gradually revealing the bits of the mystery while the character undergoes her trials, such that by the time the Element's true nature is finally revealed, the readers will accept it because the character has earned it.
(Oh -- and you might want to revisit the names of some of the characters, I think... A lot of your names, like "Phebe Hoshana", "Balc", and "Artemis", sound like they belong to an anime character, not a pony. It seems like a small detail, but giving your pony characters obviously non-pony names is one of those things that also tends to get a negative reaction, because it implies that the author hasn't done their homework when it comes to making their story fit the world they're trying to write in.)
We learn by doing, so don't be discouraged.
Best of luck!
5694825
I can definitely see your points, and I do take them with a grain of salt. As for the names, though... I see that pony are usually named for their appearance and/or their personality. For instance, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are obvious. Twilight Sparkle, King Sombra, and Mi Amore Cadenza however, aren't quite as cut and dry. Likewise are many of the names--some obvious, some not. I try to follow that pattern. Balc Rigger refers to a construction guy, actually. He "rigs" balconies (I may just change Balc to Balcony to make that very clear). Phebe and Artemis are not obvious at all. That said, that's just how I interpreted the whole naming thing. Maybe I missed the whole point, but I am using what I've seen from the show.
As per your second paragraph, most of what you said I did already. It only takes reading a couple chapters to see this.
Thank you for your advise. I doubt I'll rewrite the story, but I'll definitely make some changes to it for readers to digest the material easier.
I like it. As always another epic chapter.
5699390
Epic chatper...? That confused me for a moment. I actually thought this chapter was rather tame. XD
Of course, that may be because of what is coming next...
I love the different references to scripture you put in it is turning into an even more amazing story.
In the Bible in Deuteronomy 14:2 KJV The Lord calls us to be a peculiar people set apart from the rest of the world. In context He was speaking to Israel at that point while they were in the wilderness, but it still applies to today. Also in Romans 12:2 KJV He tells us that He does not want us to "...conform to this world..." this just goes to show that as Christians we are called to stand out. We should not fit in with the norm of society. Not that we talk down to people or anything like that. We are supposed to show the compassion that Christ showed to us.
5933639
As you're the only who, as far as I'm aware, keeps up with my story, that means a heck of a lot. Honestly, I doubt I would choose to press on if you didn't read it.
5933809
Would it be okay if I shared some of my learning from God? In my experience, the whole concept of being "separate from the world" has been used woefully incorrectly. I don't disagree with what the bible teaches on the matter, but I disagree with how it is presented in modern day.
Here is an example of what I mean. A modern musician once said that the key to life is to find and keep friends that love Jesus more than you do. In and of itself, that's not wrong; however, I've seen this used to say "non-Christian" friends are unacceptable. Likewise, the whole "be set apart from the world" theology is used to say Christians should never mingle or associate with non-Christians. Furthermore, the way it is talked about in Church leads to looking down upon non-Christians, which is specifically what you said we aren't to do. I agree with you on that, but I find it difficult to find any "Christian" group--whether church or other entity--that does not gaze down their noses upon the "unregenerate" people of the world.
As Christians, we are to be different from the "world," right? Well, the world separates itself into small groups and looks down about any who aren't part of its clique. Yet, that's what I see almost every time I go to church (don't get me wrong, I love going to church). From what I have seen and experienced, "be set apart from the world" means "be exactly like the world while thinking we're better than it." Ultimately, it's self-deluded hypocrisy--in Bible terms, Phariseeism. "Be set apart" has been corrupted from its original meaning.
What Jesus did in his time stands distinctly from today's more zealous and "spiritual" Christians. Unlike them, he ate with the sinners. That's huge! Back in that day, eating meals with people meant "becoming one" with them. In modern terms, this is the best way I can word it: Jesus staked every part of his being in investing into the unsaved. With that in light, would modern day Christianity accept Jesus as he was or try to correct him for being "carnal?" One thing is certain. Jesus was not a "be set apart from the world" person--at least, not the way we are today.
By contrast, he rebuked, spited, and humiliated the spiritual men of the day--what we would consider pastors.
What did God mean by "be set apart from the world"? I'm not God, so I don't know the exact meaning. However, no one does. That being said, I will not sacrifice the second most important commandment in the Bible--when there are thousands--because a large number of "spiritual" leaders say we should be separate from the world. I will love everyone like Jesus did.
Some might say the first commandment (i.e. love God) is more important, and, if there is a contradiction, it should be obeyed over the second (i.e love others). But... when does the first commandment ever contradict the second? Well, if I love God, I'll obey his commandments. God commanded us to love people. Thus, if I love God, I'll love people. Essentially, following the first leads me to the second. There is no contradiction, and I don't believe there ever will be one.
Therefore, when any other commands--from the Bible or a teacher--seems to contradict the first two, the first two stay and the other goes. That's it. Done. Jesus gave the precedence to these two commandments; I did not.
In light of that, please allow me to be absolutely sincere and clear. I have no intent to offend you or other Christians. Simply, my heart breaks at the suffering around me. I can't simply sit back and do nothing because a "rule" says so. I won't.
That said, you certainly don't have to believe as I do; no one should have to. These are my opinions and experiences; I'm not God incarnate speaking. I simply wish that Christians would think less of "being holy" and more of the the people who need love. The most holy Jesus did.
5956667
I agree, you are to love the sinner and hate the sin.
What I meant by be separate from the world is that it should be obvious that we are Christians. not that we don't associate with sinners. Also with the religious leaders of the time, they were corrupt and teaching false doctrine.
5956870
Yup. I don't think there is anything here we disagree on, lol. I apologize if I was over-dramatic; it is something constantly on my mind.
5963556
Is ok
So she is too sleep to tired?
6175836
I guess? I don't even know what you're asking.
6179988
it is a play on words she is to tired to sleep and or form a coherent thought.
6180293
HAHAHA. Ironically, that's about how I felt when I made that last reply.