Dodge City//Chapter 7--Part 1
Artemis strolled down a random hall; Phebe gave chase. “Wait up!” she called, but he didn't hear her. “Stop!” Oddly, the longer she ran after him the farther he got. “No, don't leave. Don't leave!” Determined to get to him, she turned into a full-on sprint. Now she was catching up. “Haha, you can't run from me.” Artemis stopped and turned to a red-colored stallion. Initially, she could not make out who that pony was, but as she drew near, she identified the person as Flame Tosser. Terror gripped her. “No! Don't tell him! Please don't tell him!” Before she got to them, Flame walked away, and Artemis turned to her.
“I can't believe you,” he spoke—his tone harsh. “You gave up your virginity for him!?”
Phebe jumped out of her sleep landing on her hooves. Sweat soaked her coat, her heart pumped at double pace, and her stomach churned. It was just a dream. “Whew...”
“That was an interesting way to wake up,” Artemis spoke from behind her.
She jumped. “GYAH!”After her heart skipped several beats, she spun to see her future husband. Suddenly, huge burden of guilt and fear dropped upon her. Apparently, the dream resurfaced her anxiety of Artemis discovering about her and Flame Tosser. She wanted to say “hi,” but her tongue cleaved to the bottom of her mouth preventing her from speaking..
“Are you all right, Phebe?” An aura of concern fell upon the Changeling. “You seem distressed.”
She was. She wanted to fun away from his presence, but like her tongue, her legs wouldn't function. How do I get out of this!? She cranked her head each way searching for an escape. Eventually, she remembered the streams of water. I'm thirsty. Need water. By mental concentration, she convinced her body that quenching her thirst was important enough to overcome her terror. “Water” she managed to say before teleporting to a section of the tunnels where the water still flowed. Immediately, the thirst-driven mare dunked her head into the steam and began guzzling its liquid.
Once she had her foll, thoughts started to run around in her mind. He can't know. He can't ever know. He'll never merry me. He'll never ever merry me. Her body quivered.
Then her memory traveled to the meeting she was supposed to have with Ferris. I said I would talk to him today. No, no. I can't. I won't. Her already upset stomach tensed unnaturally. Oh no! the Water that once hung out in her digestive system promptly shot up her throat and out her mouth.
Realizing she couldn't bear this misery anymore, she came to a decision. I'm going to run away. I have to leave. Without forethought, she teleported twice—first to the surface and second to the edge of town. I'll go back to the Everfree, and I'll return my element to the tree. Then I'll move back to my family's farm. Having formulated a plan of escape, tiny relief met her weary heart and burdened back. This caused her to smile lightly. I'm already starting to feel better.
She took the north-west road out of Dodge and cantered away. Freedom. Or, so she thought.
As she went on her way, a familiar face passed by her. He stopped, looked back, and inquired, “Phebe?”
Until he had spoken, she hadn't recognized him, but now she knew. “Ferris?” Sheepishly, she spun around to face him.
“Where are you going?” When she didn't reply, he stepped towards her and gave her a once over. “Are you ill?”
What if he finds out too!? Fear intesified. “Uh-ah, I'm going to go. Please excuse-” Without finishing her sentence, she quickly backed away from him and continued on the path. Ferris watched her go away.
After several moments, he came up beside her and walked with her. “What's wrong?”
She nervously chirped, “Nothing!” She started to regret saying anything, for she could have not made herself anymore conspicuous. “I mean... I'm fine. It's nothing. Please just... get out.” Her words stopped making sense even to her.
Hopping in front of her, Ferris blocked her path. Before he could say or do anything else, a flashback of Flame struck Phebe's mind. After that, her emotional state exploded.“NO!!!” She bucked Ferris in the face. As her hoof contacted his face, a noticeable pop sounded. The force of the blow knocked Ferris over. While he shook off a heavy daze, he noticed a line of blood exiting from his nose, and soon after, he spit up blood and a tooth. When Phebe saw, she panicked. “No. I didn't. This wasn't what I. No. I...” All sentences ended short; her brain could no longer process logically. “I'm sorry!” She ran off.
Having run some distance, she looked back. Ferris was nowhere to be found. Whew, I've escaped... She then crashed into a random pony walking the path. “No, stop it!” she shouted as if the pedestrian was out to get her. Freaking out to a worse degree, she sprinted off the road and dove into a small valley nearby. It was deep enough to keep her hidden from the road. “I never wanted this. I never wanted this. I never wanted this. It's all my fault. It's all my fault. Why did I do that? Why did I do that?” In a volatile tantrum, she stomped upon the ground. “So stupid. Just an idiot!” Tears, the quantity of which exceeded any previous weeping, flooded her face. “I'm so sorry, I AM. I'm so sorry, I AM. I'm so sorry, I AM,” she chanted for awhile. Then it changed. “I am to blame. I'm always to blame. I am to blame. I'm always to blame!”
“Then die,” throaty whisper blasted into her ear. Suddenly claws grasped her neck and lifted her off the ground. “If we can't take the Element, we'll kill you.” In front of her was a cloud of darkness, and a thin, obsidian arm stretched out from it. A Guardian. Nevertheless, unlike previous Guardians, a three-pronged claw was at the end of the arm; in other words, this one had a hand. Presently that hand had a firm grip on her neck--its claws pierced into her skin slowly and painfully.
This is how it ends. Phebe surrendered her life without an ounce of resistance. At increasing rates, oxygen faded from her body. I'm sorry I failed you, I AM.
“Unhoof her, you fiend!” A sizable rock flung into the air and impacted the Guardian. This was not enough to loosen Phebe from the ghost's grip, but its attention seemed to be taken. “What... are you...?”
From her advantageous position, Phebe couldn't see the fellow who had come to save her, but she knew by the voice that it was Ferris. W... why is he here? You fool! She gasped for one last breath and screamed, “RUN!!!”
“And let you die?” he scoffed. Shaking his head sternly, he added, “You know my story; you should know that I won't run.”
“Pitiful equine,” the Guardian scoffed. It levitated itself out of the valley. “You don't understand who you're messing with.”
“You don't understand who you're hurting.” In the moment of Ferris' retort, the Guardians jolted forward faster than the eye could blink and grabbed hold of Ferris with another clawed arm. Ferris attempted to loose himself, but the Guardian wouldn't let go. However, unlike with Phebe, the Guardian dug its claws through his skin instantly puncturing his trachea. His breathing instantly became audible and labored. Horror overflowed the injured pony's eyes; he probably knew the wound was mortal.
The Guardian commented, “The windpipe is in the same place. Good.” He flung Ferris into the ditch and continued choking the Element owner. “Oh... you're angry now? Hah.”
Phebe was angry all right. That was the third person in recent days that she had watched murdered. “Y-” She could not give volume to her words because of the claw that gripped her, so she decided to get rid of it. Her Element shimmered instantly consuming the arm of the creature. Once she was free, she dropped to the ground and gasped for air.
When she was able, she shouted, “You messed with the wrong pony!” Without any hesitation, she zapped the Guardian with the indigo light from the Element of Perseverance. Then there was dead Guardian.
With the enemy out of the way, Phebe rushed to Ferris' side. He was still alive, but he was fading quickly. “No. No!” She broke into more tears. “I'm sorry! This is my fault. I shouldn't have... I just... I...” Ferris watched her and smiled—he could do no more. “Please... please don't die. I couldn't lose another. I couldn't...” She stuffed her face into the ground. “Kill me, I AM. Kill me! I deserve death! I don't want to Ferris to leave too. Why? WHY!?” She pounded the ground. Why me? I deserve this, but why do I have to be the one that does? Why couldn't I have a life like the others? Why couldn't I explore the magic of friendship with them!? I hate it!” The sheriff gave up his last breath, but before he did, he barely managed to remove his bade and place it next to Phebe. That was his final deed. “No, no, no! I won't take your job!” She smacked the face of her now deceased friend.
In a single moment of clarity, she remembered the whistle Black Star gave her. “He can help!” She looked for the gift yet soon came to a distressing conclusion. “I left it back in the city! But... I have enough time to-.”
“He's already gone.” Black Star walked up behind her. “You forgot this.” He gave her the whistle.
“Black Star!” She hugged him briefly. “You couldn't come sooner!? But, uh, you can save Ferris, right?”
“No.”
A black hole of a pit formed inside her. “But- but... you healed me!”
“I did, but I can't raise the dead.”
“You haven't even tried!” She growled at him. “Fix it! Fix. It!”
Black Star looked at the dead stallion. “He had one of the best lives one could ever know. He had no idea what he had, but then again, do any of us?” He grimaced. “I can't fix it, Phebe.”
“No... no...” She plummeted to the ground and curled up into a ball.
“So, that one had claws, eh?” Black Star marched up to the shattered pieces of what was a Guardian. “Interesting.” He paid no mind to the consuming despair that she suffered. “Was it a leader that remained from the other group? Are there multiple types of Guardians? Or is there another reason? Curious.” He returned to the pony corpse. “Suffocated. The Guardians don't usually kill that way, do they? Oh, and how fast it moved? So different!” An empty sigh dropped from his lips. “War is wonderful, is it not?”
“SHUT UP!” Phebe snapped. She used think her loss of Pyre and Chrysalis had done the most terrible damage, but she changed her mind. Her heart felt shredded beyond recognizable pieces. She had feared losing Artemis because of her illegitimate relationship with Flame Tosser, but in running from her past, she lost Ferris Wheel instead. She had bear the responsibility of Pyre and Chrysalis' demises; however, Ferris' was solely hers.
She wanted commit suicide, but one thing prevented her. Hatred. Black's nonchalant attitude drove her up a wall. “Don't you care!? Have you been so beaten and battered by conflict and your past that you no longer feel!? Doesn't life matter to you? Don't you have any heart?! TELL ME!”
Smiling warmly, he looked to her, strolled up beside her, and whispered, “At least you have a heart now.” He started walking away.
“I-” She tried to bring out a retort, but her brain could not formulate one. I feel again. Recollecting all that had befallen her, she realized rapidly the benefit her experiences had caused her. Most notably, the relationship with Chrysalis and Labil Nasha and their deaths derived a sense of life and purpose from Phebe's dry bones—that is to defend the Changelings.
As Phebe pondered the words of her so-called father, he inquired, “What do you want?” He stopped at Ferris and eyed him.
“Huh?” Usually, when Black asked something, he was attempting to get Phebe to think. She figured that this was no different, so she waited for Black to explain himself—this way she didn't make fool of herself.
His tone became ever so lighthearted and soft. “Don't over think. Answer the question. What do you want?'”
Still caught up in emotion, she answered harshly, “I want Ferris back!”
“Do you believe in the resurrection of the dead?”
“Huh... but you said you can't-” She cleared her eyes of her tears and stared at Star intently. He stared back with a simple smile. Instinctively, she knew he wouldn't bother with her petty doubts. “I... I don't know. If it means Ferris can be alive again, then yes!”
“Me too.” He looked towards the sky. “Why haven't you asked for it yet? Don't answer that. You had no reason to know that it was possible. Today, I guess you learn.” Black Star went to the edge of the valley in which Phebe had hid earlier. “No, I didn't do it. I already told you. I can't revive the dead.” He jumped into it.
Phebe watched for a moment. He probably disappeared again. She got up and came to Ferris' body. “What did he mean, 'No I didn't do it.' You're still...” As she took a look at Ferris, her jaw fell to the ground. He was breathing! His throat injury was completely repaired. In fact, the tooth she had knocked out of his mouth was back in its place. “Oh, oh!”
The sheriff opened his eyes. A groan loosed from his vocal chords. “Uhh... why does everything...” He snapped to attention. “I died! And... everything feels great!? I've never felt better.” Getting up, he wiggled his body. “Oh, wow!”
“Ferris!” Phebe wrapped her forelegs around him and began crying into his shoulder. “I'm so glad you're alive! I thought I lost you. I did lose you!” As she let tears loose, he hesitantly patted her on the back. “I just... I can't believe this. I... I have you back. If I hadn't made that mistake you would never have been...” She broke from the hug. “I get it. I get it!” He hopped for joy. “Oh, oh, I get it, Ferris! I was so blind!” Excitement energized even the air around her. “I thought I was getting retribution for my mistake! I thought I was getting what I deserved.” She briefly stood up on a her hind legs, as she grabbed her head happily. “No, I AM was showing me that he forgave me! I forgot. I got lost in my past again... even after Black Star had told me not to. I ran away... from everything I AM had planned for me, and he turned around to bless me! He showed me what he can do. I don't have to be scared of death—not my own, not anypony's!” She processed more information internally. I don't have to fear my mistake with Flame. I AM's blessing doesn't count on my perfection. I can have rest and peace. Oh, oh, my Lord, you are good! You are so good.
Ferris cocked his head. “He forgave you?” His gaze turned to the side. “Aviram...”
“Oh, oh, Ferris, that's it!” She ran around him releasing more energy than she's ever contained in her life. “You were forgiven! The way Aviram covered your mistakes is so much like I AM does. You can have peace!”
Water built up in his eyes. “I want peace... but I feel tied down by guilt.”
“I AM can set you free! Hahah!” She cheered, “Woohoo!” In a matter of moments, she noticed Ferris' demeanor sink lower and lower, so she sobered up. “Hey, call out. Ask for his forgiveness, and it's done.” I don't think my Lord needs him to call out, but it might be good for Ferris to make it official. He did just that.
“I AM... I don't know who you are...” Ferris knelt and lowered his head. “I hear about your forgiveness. Forgive me. I am lower than the lowest and more evil than King Sombra. Forgive me.” A slight change in his expression came forth. “Is... that it?”
She furled her brow. “Is what it?”
He stared off into the distance. “All those drugs... the rapes, the thefts, and the murders... gone?” The sheriff looked down at his badge; Phebe hadn't picked it up. He replaced it on his chest. “For the first time, I think I can wear this proudly. Thank you, Phebe...”
If not for my mistake... he wouldn't have turned to God. How does that work? Shrug. Why question it? “Let's go back to the city. I think we're supposed to have a dinner. We'll talk there.”
“Right.”
~~~~~
The two bounded back to Dodge City excitedly. To their dismay, shortly after arrival, a squad of police officers confronted them, and Fairoh Tonto accompanied them. She adressed Ferris sternly, “You abandoned your post, sheriff.”
Ferris cocked his head and questioned, “What do you mean?”
“You were gallivanting with this whore while you were supposed to be heading up an investigation.” Phebe shirked back and gawked lightly, while Ferris grit his teeth and become suddenly angry. The latter prepared to retort, but the mayor pulled out a scroll which listed the orders she had given to him. Apparently, today, he was supposed to look into a stop of water flow in the waterways underneath the city. “I put this on your desk. I deemed this top priority, and you disregarded my orders.” In Dodge, mayors legally could boss around the city's police—though considered uncouth. That said, Fairoh was clearly unafraid of making use of this power.
“I never got that order. It was not on my desk.”
“Oh really?” She looked to the other officers. “Most of your men saw me place this on your desk. Am I supposed to believe one over many?”
Wheel shook his head. “Ma'am, I swear, I had no idea. I must have overlooked that; I sincerely apologize. I'll get right on that.”
“Good, but before you do...” Fairoh's mouth developed a toothy grin. “You are hereby forbidden from talking with Phebe, nor are you allowed any form of communication or contact. She has been too much of a distraction for you.”
“What!?” Ferris flipped his lid. “On what basis do you determine that?”
“Whether or not you want to keep your job.” She chuckled, and before making a full turn to walk away, she motioned to the other law enforcement. “Boys, watch him like a hawk.” The conversation ended there. Once the mayor left, another policestallion grabbed Ferris and started dragging him away. Neither he nor Phebe attempted any forms of resistance; Ferris seemed shocked and confused, and Phebe was definitely shocked and worried.
Once his underlings dragged him away, Phebe began to fidget. Whore? Does Fairoh know? A good portion of the guilt landed on her again, but she immediately tried to reject those thoughts. I'm forgiven. I'm forgiven. It doesn't matter. Though, as much as she tried, she still felt somewhat weighed down. In a more physical attempt to conquer her fear, she began walking; nonetheless, she stopped suddenly as a piece of paper slid underneath her hooves. “Huh?” She immediately recognized the item as the order given by Fairoh to Ferris—the one he apparently hadn't any recollection of. “She must have dropped it.” Without thought or consideration, her hooves picked it up, and she began to read. A small diagram of the waterways rested on a portion of the scroll. One of the tunnels was marked in red. Then came the horror. “Th-that's where Artemis and the others are! Crabapples! Ferris is going down there now; I've got to warn Artemis.”
Immediately, she teleported to the conference tent in which she and Artemis had had several meetings already. He wasn't there presently, so she exited and called out to the nearest Changeling, “Where is Artemis!?”
“He's on the surface,” replied that Changeling.
As if matters couldn't get any worse. Oh wait. She absentmindedly reached for the whistle. I could call for Black Star. The proposition seemed attractive initially, but rejection soon followed. There wasn't a guarantee he could or would help and, furthermore, she could probably resolve the issue herself. She scanned the area. Plan time. Only a couple of the Changelings were around; most of them were elsewhere. I'm not supposed to talk with Ferris, but if I don't, he'll react poorly to the presence of the Changelings. I have to find a way to get to him first. She turned to the one she had just talked to. “Do you know any illusion magic?”
“Of course.”
“Good. Then this will work perfectly.”
~~~~~
Within an hour's time, the whole of the Changeling base had been packed up and moved. Phebe and the other Changelings had moved their stuff to another area of the tunnels and, using Changeling magic, hid them. Additionally, they removed the blockage which had prevented the water flow. Essentially, the tunnels were back to what they were before the Changelings had arrived.
After cleaning up, everyone but Phebe and the Changeling she had spoken to before went topside. The two, however, waited for Ferris to show up.
Soon enough, the noise of splashing water echoed through the passageways. The light of glowing horns and flaming lanterns followed. It seemed as if Ferris had finally come—and with friends. Phebe, with her ally, scampered around a bend trying to avoid contact. Fortunately, their movements were masked by the splashing sounds; thus, they went unnoticed. That was good. For Phebe's plan to work, they had to make absolutely sure Ferris was in that group before getting spotted.
“I'm confused,” one pony stated. Immediately, movement ceased. “I thought this was supposed to be clogged or something.”
“That's what the mayor said,” another replied.
A third one affirmed sternly, “We haven't explored the whole area. Let's keep looking.” Phebe recognized this voice.
Ferris is there. Perfect! She then whispered to the Changeling, “It's him. Ready?” The Changeling nodded. “Let us begin.”
Phebe strolled out into the open. Upon turning the corner, she noticed several officers standing in a semi circle several yards away. They were still chatting with each other. Ironically enough, they hadn't noticed her yet. Nonetheless, she needed them to spot her, so she flicked on her horn. Now she had caught their attention.
“Look! Somepony is there!” one stallion yelled.
Now that she was sure they had seen her, she could initiate the bulk of her plan. For the next step, she created a surge of water underneath the policestallions knocking down all but Ferris. After that, she sprinted down one path. Ferris gave chase, as she had intended, but the others were too disoriented to do so, also as she had intended. Once far enough, Phebe turned left at a cross section. Immediately after Ferris rounded the bend, the Changeling, still in the same location, created an illusionary wall to hide the path they had gone down. The remaining officers finally recovered and began following but, not having realized which way Ferris had gone, went straight at the crossroads where he and Phebe had taken a left.
Now, the final part of the plan could be completed. Phebe halted. Once Ferris had caught up, he gawked and exclaimed, “Wh-what are you doing!?”
She walked up to him with her horn still lit and greeted, “Ferris. We need to have a talk.”
Eyes squinted, and a scowl formed. “I see that,” he replied sharply. “May I ask what you have to do with all this?” He revealed signs of anger. He likely perceived her to be participating in some secret operation underground.
Phebe readied to answer the question. “We-” Then she incidentally choked on her spit. Coughing ensued. She had wanted to explain about the Changelings, but she just couldn't speak. Wow, this is odd timing. Ferris watched with an eye of scrutiny. Finally recovering from her random bout, she stated forcefully, “I am here to proclaim I AM to the evil that they might turn around.” Wait, huh? She didn't mean to say that. Must be his plan then. Roll with it. “There are many that have not heard about him as you and I have. Whatever I do down here is so that the most can receive his words.” The sheriff changed demeanor as he listened. She smirked cunningly, while continuing, “I fight the Guardians because they oppose his words and kill any that would receive them. They are contrary to all that is good, but they are powerful, cunning, and numerous.” A phrase came into her mind. I AM says, “Today, choose who you will serve. You cannot follow money and yet follow me.” Huh? She paused considering the statement. That's another message, isn't it? Doesn't seem to be relevant, but... Content in her conclusion, she parroted aloud those words, “Ferris, this is what I AM has to say: 'Today, choose who you will serve. You cannot follow money and yet follow me.'”
After squinting momentarily, he turned his gaze away from her and stared downward. He was obviously pondering what she had said. “Do I serve Fairoh or do I serve I AM?” he inquired. “That's what you're getting at, isn't it?”
Phebe shrugged. “I'm not getting at anything; that came from I AM.” With a smug expression, she traveled slightly further down the tunnel. “You get the point. We'll talk again, but you need time to think.”
“Wait.” He reached out with a hoof. “Why would I hesitate on a question like that?” Immediately, she stopped. “I choose God. I was fearful of disobeying Fairoh because I might lose my job.” He chortled before continuing, “I have no legal obligation to her outside that.” In other words, she could fire him for disobedience, meaning a loss of income; however, she could not press charges or anything like. “I feared being poor. But... by comparison, that's nothing to worry about.”
He learned that in a matter of moments? She gawked. How come it took weeks for me to learn anything?
“Talking with you isn't about me spending time with a friend,” He clarified, “unlike the mayor might think. I am here to obey our God. I serve him, not Fairoh. So... I'll do whatever I can to help against the Guardians.” He sprung out a stern yet warm smile. “I'll fight the enemies of I AM with you.”
“Oh.” He had made her speechless. After backpedaling through her thoughts, she remembered that the police were still searching the tunnels. She would have to wrap this up quickly. With a quickened pace, she said, “For now, I don't know what you can do, but when we need your aid, I will let you know.” The sound of splashing hooves echoed across the walls and ceiling causing her to glance over her shoulder. “Uh, there are others with me, but you can't meet them yet. I'll talk with them to see what we need help with and if we can arrange a meeting. For no-”
“For now, I'll tell Fairoh upfront that I will not respect her authority on this one matter; I will not cease to meet with you. I've had enough of deception, lies, and hiding, so I'll tell her that I serve I AM. If she tries to fire me, I'll appeal to the court. Besides, my dad runs the court. Anyway, so long as I lead the police force, I'll use my leeway to help you out.” Ferris nodded before huffing, “Information would be helpful, though. I can only help to the degree I'm informed.”
“Yup. I'll work on that.”
“Good. I have a mayor to confront.” He smiled broadly. “I love I AM. Good-bye, Phebe.” As he separated from her, she went the opposite way.
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5542623
5544702
My guess is that those drive-by downvotes are mostly due to the story description. Explicitly referencing a "seventh Element of Harmony" in the story description is one of those red flags that usually indicates that the story is a wish-fulfillment for the author's self-insert Mary Sue, and will generally get your story downvoted and/or ignored.
I've only ever seen one story that pulled that "seventh element" off successfully, really -- and it only worked because (a) there was no hint that it was coming until Element number seven (the Element of Forgiveness) actually appeared at the climax of the story, and (b) the recipient was somepony who had, by that point, been put through the story's wringer, and gone through sufficient trials and character development, to have believably earned it.
5694125
Ah! Thank you for mentioning that; I didn't realize it had that connotation. When I can, I'll rewrite the summary then. Hopefully, that'll help. Thanks again.
5694334
Yeah, it basically carries similar connotations to making your OC protagonist an alicorn, or somepony who just happens to be intimately related to one of the Mane Six, or a Dark Secret From Celestia's Past, et cetera -- basically, those things are often the amateur writer's way of trying to make their personal OC character seem "special" and important, without the character actually having done anything in-story to earn it yet. Those tropes can be pulled off successfully, in the hands of a skilled writer, but it requires a great deal of finesse and a strong underlying premise to get the reader to go along with it.
Honestly, the whole notion of a "seventh Element" is something that's probably best avoided entirely. Admittedly, you'd probably have to go back and do quite a bit of revision at this point to remove it completely, but if it's really an important plot element (so to speak), then my suggestion would be, don't explicitly name it as such in the beginning, and don't give the game away too early in the story by having your protagonist knowing exactly what it is and how to use it on command, as she does now. Let it be a mystery, both to your readers and to the character herself, as to exactly what the nature of this peculiar artifact and her connection to it is; and instead of having her activate it on command whenever she wants, maybe have it only activate itself when she acts in a way that demonstrates the virtue supposedly represented by it. The idea is to lay a strong foundation for it by gradually revealing the bits of the mystery while the character undergoes her trials, such that by the time the Element's true nature is finally revealed, the readers will accept it because the character has earned it.
(Oh -- and you might want to revisit the names of some of the characters, I think... A lot of your names, like "Phebe Hoshana", "Balc", and "Artemis", sound like they belong to an anime character, not a pony. It seems like a small detail, but giving your pony characters obviously non-pony names is one of those things that also tends to get a negative reaction, because it implies that the author hasn't done their homework when it comes to making their story fit the world they're trying to write in.)
We learn by doing, so don't be discouraged.
Best of luck!
5694825
I can definitely see your points, and I do take them with a grain of salt. As for the names, though... I see that pony are usually named for their appearance and/or their personality. For instance, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash are obvious. Twilight Sparkle, King Sombra, and Mi Amore Cadenza however, aren't quite as cut and dry. Likewise are many of the names--some obvious, some not. I try to follow that pattern. Balc Rigger refers to a construction guy, actually. He "rigs" balconies (I may just change Balc to Balcony to make that very clear). Phebe and Artemis are not obvious at all. That said, that's just how I interpreted the whole naming thing. Maybe I missed the whole point, but I am using what I've seen from the show.
As per your second paragraph, most of what you said I did already. It only takes reading a couple chapters to see this.
Thank you for your advise. I doubt I'll rewrite the story, but I'll definitely make some changes to it for readers to digest the material easier.
I like it. As always another epic chapter.
5699390
Epic chatper...? That confused me for a moment. I actually thought this chapter was rather tame. XD
Of course, that may be because of what is coming next...