- Member Since 31st Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Aug 25th, 2018
SUBJECTXVI
I blow stuff up 4 fun, enjoy poetry that doesn't annoy me, have recently joined the broney army, love lesbians but hate it when gay guys do their thing in front of me, I'm 18 & out of my phyche ward!
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Interesting, I want to see where you're going with this.
5063422 Yay! People are putting likes on my story!
I was getting ready to pull the story off and doing a redo because all I was getting were dislikes. But now I won't! 
Keep going, this keeps getting more and more interesting.
This is brilliant and amazingly written, pleeaase keep going :)
Ok so you a fascinating premise here, let us say that first. I like to see more of how the personalities are different from each other and if possible, some explanation of how they came to be. Thus far we see that Namine has a loving nature and can be shown as Twilight's romantic side. Lilian on the other hand, appears to be a guardian of sorts, ensuring the safety and stability of those she cares about. As a psych major and as an author I find this intriguing
However, there are quite a few issues. In some stories it can be funny to mention or insert the author into the fic, usually involving Pinkie Pie in some way. However, if done at all, it needs to be done as little as possible. You, unfortunately, have inserted yourself too much into this. Punctuation needs work as well, as several times I was torn from the flow of the story as I tried to adjust to what you as opposed to what is written. Words are out of place, repeated, or just placed randomly in spots. And lastly, it seems rather rushed. You could have had it where the audience was approaching the room and we could hear three voices but we don't see anything yet. A slow reveal that we aren't dealing with three individuals with three bodies, but three individuals within one single form.
These issues are going to have to be changed in the existing chapters in order to remedy the issues throughout, otherwise it will come across as sloppy and you will continue to not gain more readers. These are relatively simple fixes if done correctly.
PM me if you want more of my input on this. You have something here, it just needs some work. Accept a like and entry into my tracking bookshelf.
-GWG-
Ok, so normally I don't read dark/tradgy stories due to how I can't really handle them. Especially when the main character is really crazy and starts to follow any kind of odd/pretty bad commands from the voices in their head. But you did ask me and gwg to, and he said it wasn't that bad as of yet, so I'll let you know from what I read.
First off, the idea seems to be a good one to start with. It's kind of common place among the others here, but I wouldn't know that completely since I avoid those stories like the plague (which I suppose some of them do have in their stories). The reason for down votes though may be because of the first chapter. In the first chapter, an author sets up the writing style, where the story starts/takes place, and who is really going to be featured in the story. You have two of the three pretty well. Maybe a bit more explaining (without coming across as explaining) about how the voices/ponies got there, but you could almost as easily set that up in a later chapter.
What stopped me from continuing to read however was the flow. It was a little rushed in the first chapter, but you were trying to set up the story, so that is always hard to balance. But the next thing that broke it was the constant inserts from the author's perceptive. It's fine if say the main pony was Pinkie Pie, since she often communicates with the audience and author, but since it is Twilight, it doesn't set the right tone or flow. If you do want to have those inserts, try to put them at the end of whatever sentence or paragraph, so the pony thought is finished before the author thought comes in. Or, if you don't want to do that, perhaps making them italic or more different from the rest of the text, so we can see that it is different, would help. Though if you have too many, then it becomes more of someone telling a story (in a brief and almost non-descriptive manner) than for the audience to READ the story, you know?
Many people will NOT continue after that first chapter, especially if the flow is hard to follow. Why try to understand what is going on when every other phrase has some weird author moment? (just as a generalized reaction, I cannot and will not say this is how everyone will react.) Due to how easily my mind is willing to wander, I cannot continue to read (especially if it does indeed become properly 'dark'). I just can't focus enough on it. So if you want to try and amend the first chapter, pin down your writing style and work on the flow, you may be able to gain more upvotes. You won't be able to convince those who disliked it to give it another try but you could work on finding more who will like it.
Now, after working on that first chapter, you can then work on the build up and everything else. Though I'd suggest to have that first chapter author's notes in the story description itself, because it does not help set the tone or flow at all. So take the note at the top of your first chapter and instead put in on the story's description. That will be a tremendous start. Next would be groups. Find and join the right groups for what your story is going to be about (finding twilight story groups, groups about darker themed stories, etc) and add this story to those groups. It is the main way people find stories to read, by the type and pony it features. I'd understand not wanting to join a lot of groups only to just sit there and post stories, but it's one of the fastest ways to get the story out there. If you don't want updates or thread notices from those groups, there is a way to turn it off in the settings.
If you want any more suggestions or comments (because golly do I type a lot), feel free to message me. Also, take all this in a positive light. I'm just trying to help even if I don't like dark stories. Good luck! (and sorry for the extremely long comment, I ramble at times).
5239543 check again! because the flow has been fixed!!!
Okay, questions. First question: So, Lillian and NamÃne aren't just extra personalities, but two separate beings that reside withing Twilight's mind? Second question: Are you going to explain how they can leave Twilight's mind and have corporeal bodies in the next chapter? And please let there be an explanation other than "Magic". I don't care if it's a spell she uses, I just want an explanation on how it works.
Ok, I hit downvote.
As for the reason, well, you're going too fast. First off, slow down and proof read what you're writing, it often helps to read it out loud, this lets you hear if it sounds like something a person would say. It also lets you make sure there are no missing words. (Which I've noticed is habit of yours.) An example is the sentence:
I dress that need Photographing and a another that needs resewing!
You had some words missing, need instead of needs, you capitalized photographing, and you used an exclamation point when you also let the reader know she huffed the words.(Which is a good way of letting the reader know how to read the sentence.)
So first the missing words, extra words, punctuation, and spelling related corrections:
I have a dress that needs photographing and another that needs resewing.
Then you need to make it sound more natural, few people if anyone would actually say something like that, perhaps something more like this:
After all, I still have to take pictures of my new line for Photo Finish and restitch the lace on the one Opal destroyed.
The second part of going too fast is you are rushing into things, slow down the plot. Too much is happening in the same chapter.
We've got a confusing situation with too many books, Time Turner showing up and mentioning altering time, Twilight splitting into multiple bodies, and Rarity finding out about Twilight's secret. Which could all happen, but you need to stretch it out. Build up to things like the body separation and flesh it out a bit more.
And you need to try and keep things a bit more in character, the biggest examples are Twilight splitting apart when she knows her friends are coming over (she's usually got a checklist to keep her straight) and Rarity having a camera with her, taking pictures of Twilight splitting apart, and then playing tattle tale; all of which is a little to convenient. Rarity would be more likely to faint, try to help Twilight, or run to her other friends friends for help before going to the Princesses.
On a more positive note, you seem to be doing pretty good job describing things, using descriptors instead of "he said", "she said" all the time, and the story premise is interesting enough to get people's attention.
So my advice is to slow down, take a deep breath, and try again. Make some edits and keep writing. I think you show promise, you just need to keep at it and maybe you can change my vote.
Yorkshire? I don't feel like that's an appropriate name for a pony town. I see the acronym OBEY in it, but using an actual place name, in full, in a story based in Equestria... it just doesn't sit well with me. If it were a ponified place name, I wouldn't have a problem with it.
5298014 Well if you can think of an equinn replacement for Yorkshire then by all means tell me! hell! it doesn't even need to be Yorkshire! as long as it starts with Y. It may not seem it now but this group will play a pivotal role later.
5386832 I didn't mean to sound offensive when I mentioned it, it just didn't seem to fit. If you want to hear a ponified equivalent, the best I can imagine up would be Yokeshire - a yoke being the wooden beam one would use to couple an oxen or, indeed, a work horse to a plough, or similar farming equipment.
5386930 none take I value all input I receive!... Sorry if I came off sounding edgy.
5295006 Really? you think i'm going too fast? I honestly thought I was going too slow. but meh! I can't say that the story will advance any slower. infact its going to speed up for a tick. this story goes in hills sometime fast. sometimes slow. But thank you for your input i'll be sure to try and make those changes!