I'm So Sorry, My Sister

Once the moon was raised, Celestia gazed at it for a few moments. Embedded in the surface of the moon was a silhouette. And after all this time, it still caused a sharp pain in her heart to look at her sister. Or rather, the shadow of her sister.

To this day it still haunted her. The memory flashed in her mind again, blurred by her tears as she used the power of the Elements of Harmony against the pony who meant the most to her.

Because she couldn't save her.

Celestia blinked and turned away from the window. On the other side of the hall was some stained glass artwork, depicting that very moment. Celestia immediately looked away. She didn't like to look at it. But to her subjects, what she did to her sister was something to be proud of. She had to embrace the accomplishment, for defeating a horrible monster to protect Equestria. And if she didn't, how good of a ruler was she, really, if she couldn't be strong enough to watch over them?

The answer was simple. She wasn't good at all. Celestia hadn't even been able to protect her own sister from the corruption of envy and loneliness. And the feelings that had taken over Luna, the feelings that drowned her and transformed her into Nightmare Moon, were the fault of Celestia herself.

She could've counseled Luna and reassured her that she was important before it was too late. But she didn't. She hadn't paid enough attention to Luna's feelings and had to suffer through a paralyzing agony because of that mistake. Luna's corruption was not her own fault. The blame was on Celestia. Her subjects didn't seem to realize this.

Celestia hurried to her bedroom as she felt sorrow rise in her throat. She wasn't a good ruler. She was a horrible being. She couldn't save her own sister from something that she had done. She had to sin so much just to satisfy her subjects.

The room was darkened by the night. She switched on her lamp. Though of course she didn't need to, as she could make her way around this room blindfolded. She had lived here for nearly a thousand years, after all.

Just a few more centuries until she could face her sister again.

Celestia couldn't undo the punishment; once Luna was banished, she couldn't be brought back until a set time. Once that time was set, there was no going back. So why did Celestia choose a thousand years? Why did she have to force herself to wait so long? Was it so she couldn't hurt her?

Now that Luna was gone, Celestia had to take over the moon as well as the sun, and so she had to suffice for only a few hours of sleep at night. It would be best to retire to her bed now. But maybe there was something she needed to do.

Of all the ponies who could've been immortal, why her? Why not somepony who was actually a good ruler? Somepony who didn't banish the pony closest to them over something so trivial, just to please their subjects? Somepony who wasn't like her?

This was all a huge mistake. Somepony had to take her place. But she couldn't just step down. She couldn't imagine her subjects' response to that. Besides, as much as she hated it, she was the most powerful being in Equestria. Who could replace her?

Then again, maybe immortality was just a curse that the new ruler likely wouldn't have.

And even if Celestia couldn't grow old and wither away, there was at least one way to end everything.

She wouldn't need to go to bed tonight. And tomorrow, when the ponies see that the sun hasn't risen, they would find nothing but an empty body.

In the castle dining room, of course. That's where the sharpest knives were. Of course, she could've gotten it over with in her bedroom, as it was possible for some sort of death beam to bounce off of a reflective surface to attack her, but this was an easier, simpler method. Besides, her cause of death would be more obvious.

Celestia realized that she was already standing by a window, levitating a chef's knife in front of her. She must've taken it out subconsciously. She was a little shocked at herself about all this. Especially since, after so long, only now would she be able to give up. I suppose we all have our time limits, immortal or not.

The chef's knife was quite shiny. It must've been washed quite recently, perhaps immediately after supper. It reflected her, and the window behind her. As she lifted it higher, she noticed a flash of dark blue, and flinched. It seemed quite familiar. Even after so many centuries, she could still recognize her sister's colors. Was she really there? She looked again, but only the moon was visible.

Celestia turned her head to look up at it. Was it just an illusion? Did she really see Luna reflected in her knife? But why?

She closed her eyes, the ancient memories still fresh in her mind. She remembered the playful, loving sister she had grown up with. She was so thankful to have Luna rule alongside her. She'd brought so much joy to the castle. Despite her beliefs, the castle staff did love her. And so did Celestia. Celestia loved her so much. She couldn't possibly string any words together to explain it. Luna was her treasure. A treasure that she had to leave behind for a while.

Once, in their early days of ruling, Celestia had slept in and forgotten to raise the sun. When she woke up, she was extremely ashamed of herself. She'd quickly raised the sun and cried in her room. Soon, Luna came in, and wondered why her sister was crying.

"What if I do it again?" Celestia had wondered out loud, refusing to look at Luna in her shame. "Is the staff mad at me?"

"You'll make a lot of mistakes. That's how you move on." Luna smiled. "That's what Papa told me once. Were you there?"

"No, what are you talking about?"

"No one thinks we're perfect, do they? Because we've only been here for a few years?"

"That's still a long time! I shouldn't be forgetting to do my duty!" Celestia had raised her voice a little, but she wasn't angry at Luna. Only herself.

"Tia, I forgot to raise the moon once and you had to do it for me, remember?" Luna then looked away. "And...I should've raised the sun for you. Because you were late. But I don't know how." She then glanced back at Celestia. "Is that okay? Because now I know that I need to learn how to raise the sun, in case you can't do it!"

Learning from mistakes was something that Luna was very enthusiastic about at the time. And banishing her to the moon was a huge mistake.

What could Celestia learn from that? Of course, if she ever saw Luna again, she would make sure to keep her in Equestria. But what if she didn't? What if before the sentence was over, Celestia was killed or something?

She'd have to make sure that didn't happen, right?

She let go of her magic force on the chef's knife. It dropped to the pristine floor, scratching it a little. She didn't pick it up again just yet. She was staring up at the moon, where her sister was waiting to be freed.

"Be patient," she whispered, but she wasn't sure whether she was talking to Luna or herself. When Luna was freed, she might still be corrupted. That was okay. Celestia had plenty of time to figure out a solution. Perhaps she could use the Elements of Harmony for a good purpose, for example.

Celestia smiled up at her sister's shadow. "You were right. I'm going to move on and wait for you. I'll lower the sun a thousand times, and a thousand more if I have to. And then we can finally be happy."

How could she even consider taking her own life, when she could later spend some more of it with Luna?

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