• Published 15th May 2014
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Dexter's Lab: Equestria - RenegadeAlias



Doom and Gloom while things go Boom in . . . Equestria?

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Science Happened, My Dear Equine.

Please Read: Addressing Continuity

In Dexter's Lab, Dexter has done everything from revive a dinosaur to save the earth by blasting asteroids with a giant robot. (I've been watching Dexter's Lab on Netflix.) I will try to stick to his character as much as I can, but some liberties will have to be taken with what he remembers/brings over to Equestria - and also to avoid 'Gary-Stu' situations. Remember, Dexter is incredible, and that can break a story.

Enjoy and leave a comment!


“WHAT HAVE YOU FREAKS DONE TO ME?” Dexter screamed, pushing away from Nurse Redheart. She was trying to help him up off the floor but his struggling caused him to fall over again. Either his body was horribly contorted, or had it changed shape altogether. The lack of debilitating pain indicated it was the latter.

“Dexter! Calm down!” She replied. Dexter’s screams must have been loud, as two more nurses and a doctor appeared in the doorway ready to assist.

“WHERE ARE MY HANDS AND FEET?” He cried, pulling himself up using the bed. Redheart tried to come to his aid again, only to receive a kick to the chest for her efforts.

“Ow!” Redheart cried, more out of surprise than actual hurt. The colt’s strike was far from strong enough to do any real damage to an adult. Although it was enough to get the other nurses to come to her aid, surrounding Dexter.

“You FREAKS!” He wailed, waving an accusing hoof before grabbing the only thing he could. A pillow. “I’ll never be your guinea pig.” He shouted, waving it defensively at the approaching ponies. After a rather traumatic event in his past, where he woke up in the company of aliens and was enslaved, he wasn’t prone to the best of reactions. “You’ll never take me alive!”

However, he wasn’t going to hurt anyone with a pillow. A fact he realized this instantly, and decided to throw it at the closest nurse where it landed on her head with a puff. Dexter then bolted for the window, forgetting that he didn’t know how to walk as a quadruped. Obviously, he didn’t get far.

---

Doctor Band-Aid, a unicorn with a brown coat and graying mane, rubbed his temple with a sigh. He had only heard about this patient ‘Dexter’ and already knew he would be a difficult one. According to the nurses, Dexter had a panic attack shortly after waking up. The nurses had to wrestle him back into his bed before he would calm down.

That’s when Band-Aid had stepped in. The hyperventilating mass on the bed before him was still trembling, burning off the adrenaline of the panic attack. He was obviously still on edge, eyeing nurses and the doctors somewhat cautiously. However, that’s when the colt spotted a mirror and froze.

“Okay Dexter,” He said to himself as his face adorned a more-than-slightly creepy smile. “Calm down, breathe . . . just breathe” He said, trying to make his voice soothing. Hey, his asthma was gone! “Get a grip on yourself Dexter, you can do it. Okay.”

He spent a few more moments hyperventilating. The doctor and nurses just watched, dumbfounded, as the colt continued to talk to himself.

“It looks like you've been transformed into one of those equines from Dee Dee’s stupid girly shows.” He said to himself between breaths. His creepy smile and the act of talking to himself put the nurses on edge, ready to restrain him if he were to have another panic attack.

“C'mon Dexter, You’ve seen a lot weirder stuff than this. . .” He started to gain control of his breathing. “But it's all a hallucination anyway right? Isn’t it? Of course it is. Let's run a probabilistic analysis on the situation . . .” What followed was a stream of nerd-speak. Dexter reviewed probabilities and mathematical concepts the doctor and nurses didn’t know even existed. While he did so, he completely ignored any attempts the staff made to converse with him. Thankfully though, the rant was short.

“So you see Dexter,” Dexter concluded, still talking to himself as he stared into space. “The odds that my wormhole generator turned me into an equine and transported me to a planet of other techni-colored intelligent equines, who speak my native language on earth, are infinitesimal in comparison to the likelihood that Dee Dee kicked over a bottle containing a hallucinogenic compound.”

There was another awkward moment of silence as Band-Aid and the nurses glanced toward each other, then back at the rambling colt.

“Wait a second,” One of the nurses said eventually. “How can you trust any logical conclusion you come to if you believe yourself to be under the influence of a sanity-impairing drug?”

Dexter’s eyes shot over to the nurse, who clasped her mouth the moment she finished her thought. She didn’t need the ‘you’re not helping’ stare from Doctor Band-Aid to realize her mistake. “Help me out here will yah, and go get the on-call psychologist? I think we should keep this one for observation.” He whispered into her ear and she left.

“THE FIGMENT IS RIGHT!” Dexter proclaimed at her retreating form, jumping upwards and shooting a hoof into the air. Normally he’d be wagging a finger about now. “I’m so totally screwed.” He muttered before falling face first back onto the bed.

---

Needless to say, they didn't get much out of Dexter. There was no record of his family in any of the hospital's files, and he kept claiming to be a species none of them had ever heard of.

It took a little while, but Dexter’s ranting eventually calmed to disgruntled muttering. Band-Aid had long since gone, having examined the colt and concluded that nothing was wrong with him. Physically anyway.

“Don’t worry Dex,” Dexter continued. “I’ll be fine in no time. I’m sure Quadraplex 3000, my precious computer, is already filtering out whatever hallucinogen Dee Dee released. All I have to do is wait for it to work its way out of my system. Then I’ll be human again, all the equines will disappear, and I can go lock Dee Dee in a cryogenic freeze for a month. Everything will solve itself and-”

“Hello Dexter?” Greeted another feminine voice, causing Dexter to look up. It was a blue unicorn in a Doctor’s coat. She had emerald eyes, a light blue mane and a book for a cutie mark. Her name was Avid Aura, she was a psychologist’s intern and one of Ponyville Clinic’s counselors. At least, that’s what she told Dexter.

“So they sent you to see if I’m crazy, eh?” Dexter accused, “Well, I already have an answer for you!” He said, raising a hoof before stating simply. “I am crazy. “ He admitted as he adjusted his glasses.

“Oh, I’m not so sure you’re crazy, Dexter.” She replied while giving him an encouraging smile. Either she really cared or had a second career in acting.

“Well, I’m obviously hallucinating, and that’s a trademark sign of several mental disorders.” Dexter said, crossing his forelegs. He was used to being right.

“Yes, but the insane typically don’t believe what they’re seeing is a hallucination. Usually it’s the other way around, believing what they’re not seeing is real.” She said as she took a look at his chart. Good, they didn’t give him any medication. “Nor are they so quick to proclaim their own insanity. Did you consider for a moment that you’re not hallucinating?”

That got Dexter to think for a moment. “Well . . . I have to admit it is a possibility however unlikely. Either way, no one else can see this hallucination, so I won’t lose any dignity if I play along.”

“Well, if you are crazy, you’ll be the easiest patient I’ve ever dealt with.” She said with a reassuring smile. “Not too many mental patients are crazy because they think I am a hallucination when I’m not.”

“Ah ha! Exactly what I would expect a figment to say.” He replied as though he had won an argument.

“And what would you expect somepony who was real to say?” she replied, causing Dexter’s brain to stop again. Aura, having dealt with a few of Ponyville’s mentally questionable individuals before, didn’t believe that Dexter was actually insane. She figured that the colt was scared, and was making up lies about hallucinating in order to get attention.

This was also the opinion of the rest of the hospital staff. Which is why they stuck Dexter with a psychologist’s intern, they had to save the pros for the ponies that were actually screwed up.

“You know, it is almost dinner time and I bet you’re hungry. How about we take a break and get something to eat, sound good?” Aura suggested.

“Sounds good to me,” He said as he let himself off the bed. However, he again forgot that he had four legs now and fell flat onto the floor. “Oh right,” He said, looking up at the confused counselor. “Quadrupedal locomotion. Don’t worry, I’ve done this before. At least I’m not a turtle this time . . .”

---

“You’re kidding right?” Dexter said, as he tentatively prodded his plate of food with a fork. Its lush green contents being the ideal combination of fruits and vegetables for a young pony.

Unfortunately, Dexter avoids all green food like it’s the plague.

“If this isn’t to your liking, I’m sure you can try something else.”Aura replied to the colt. The Ponyville clinic was actually a small hospital, which housed its own cafeteria.

With that, Dexter left the table and returned to the counter that served trays. Aura merely watched him go before returning to some paperwork. Dexter wasn’t at all difficult, at least for the moment. She had to concur with her peers that his claims to insanity were probably an attempt to get attention, at the most extreme he might have had a slight form of Munchausen Syndrome.

Which was a real psychological disorder, but with his claims to insanity being his only discernible problem, she wasn’t inclined to humor that claim by labeling him with an actual disorder.

“Hey Aura! Where’s the meat?!?” Then again, she could be wrong.

For a genius, Dexter had the odd habit of missing the obvious.

His shout got the unicorn to drop her pen after a moment, after she processed what he said. She cast a surprised look in Dexter’s direction.

“I know it is hospital food, but your selection can’t really be this bad.” Dexter badgered a slightly flustered looking pegasus, who by the apron he was wearing, was in charge of the cafeteria.

“I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” He replied to an impatient Dexter, “Did you say meat?”

“Yes, meat.” He replied. “You know, chicken, fish, pork or beef? Meat. I need some protein. I’m a growing boy not a rabbit. Cook some meatloaf.”

“We umm, we don’t serve meat except for special circumstances involving griffins” The Pegasus began slowly, still nervous. “And for that we call in a special caterer, I don’t even know how to . . .”

Dexter immediately facehooved, as if the answer was obvious. “Oh I see the problem; of course you don’t know what to do.” Dexter’s mother always made him his meals, and he wouldn’t trust his father’s cooking to save his life. “Males like us have no business in the kitchen.”

Every mare in the room blinked.

“Don’t worry, I once had to program a robot mom to cook for me. So I know exactly what to do. Now meatloaf is made from beef, which is cow meat. So this is what you need to do . . . ” Dexter started to describe in detail how to prepare the dish, earning him frightened looks of disgust as he described how to make ground beef. His words were making the ponies within earshot sick to their stomachs.

“That is enough, Dexter!” Aura interrupted him when she finally couldn’t take it anymore, surppressing an urge to vomit. “The sick ponies in this hospital have a hard enough time eating without you describing obscene acts of depravity and cannibalism!”

“Obscene? Depravity?" Dexter replied, confused and slightly unsettled as he looked between the mare and the now sickened stallion. “Cannibalism? You mean eat him? Lady, what kind of meat are you talking about?

. . .

“Oh I think you need a time out.”

---

“You know ponies don’t eat meat.” She said while looking down at the colt as they returned to his hospital room. She had been lecturing him about how much trouble he was in, and how he had better behave until his parents were found, otherwise he’d be in a lot more trouble.

For the record, equine meat was illegal and taboo in the United States, where Dexter’s family lived. That’s why he was confused and slightly unsettled. Eating a pony is taboo even for him. Though Aura didn’t know that . . .

“Well of course they don’t,” Dexter began, it didn’t take long for him to realize his error and understand why eating meat was taboo for ponies. He felt like an idiot though, and was now trying to save face. “All equines, like most herbivores, have symbiotic bacteria in their gut which give them the amino acids they require but cannot produce themselves, removing any need to consume meat for protein.” He said matter-of-factly, trying to look smart.

“Exactly,” She replied, making another note on her clipboard. “And with that you’ve confirmed my suspicions.” As far as she was concerned, his explanation showed he understood the taboo and was only putting on a show in the cafeteria. A show aimed at getting attention and one with very poor taste. “You’re not crazy, you’re a borderline Munchausen.” She let slip without thinking.

“Huh?”

“Just . . . lie down Dexter,” She motioned toward the bed with a sigh. “Doctor Band-Aid thought you should stay the night for observation, or at least until we find your parents. I’ll come back first thing tomorrow morning. In the meantime, behave for the nurses.”

And with that, Aura left. Dexter didn’t see her for the rest of the evening, though a few nurses came by and checked on him every so often. Dexter mentally kicked himself as he paced in his room; he should have seen it coming. “Of course figment equines would take issue with eating meat. Especially the meat of something as similar to them as a cow.”

So now he was alone in the room, with the exception of one other patient. Though said roommate didn’t do much, seeing how he was in a full body cast.

“C'mon Dexter, think.” He muttered to himself as he continued to pace. “The blue equine said I was a borderline Munchausen. She must have meant Munchausen Syndrome! She thinks I’m only claiming to be crazy to get attention!” He paused.

“Ah who the heck cares what she thinks anyway?” Dexter said as he turned around and continued to pace, a little more frustration in each step. “Come to think of it, this hallucination sucks. Dee Dee would be happier here. Why couldn’t my fantasy be about fighting crime with Major Glory or Action Hank?” His thoughts drifted to his favorite super-heroes. That’s when he had an idea.

“That’s it!” Dexter said triumphantly. “Maybe I can force this hallucination to change, or even snap me out of it all together. But how?” He sat, thinking for a minute before cracking a smile. “Oh, I know. I’ll build a medical diagnostic module and scan my brain.”

“If it shows that I am crazy, then I’m right. If it says I am sane, then I have no reason to doubt the conclusion of my probabilistic analysis. Said conclusion indicating that I am insane.”

“Either way, the hallucination will become self-contradictory and my subconscious will have no choice but to acknowledge that this is a hallucination. Then, like a dream that becomes lucid, I will gain control! And I will be able vanquish the equines from my mind and fill my fantasy with action and science!”

He finished his long winded self-explanation, not realizing he had woken up his roommate. Though the pony didn’t voice any objection, or do anything for that matter. His body cast was a prison, stopping him from doing anything but listen to Dexter’s rant. Poor soul.

And without a second thought, Dexter put his plan into motion. His room had enough medical equipment he could cannibalize for parts. All he needed were some tools. Fortunately, there was a janitor’s closet and stock room across the hall. It stored a set of tools decent enough for his purposes, and he was easily able to get the tools back to his room.

The nurse at the nurse’s station was too busy with a Daring Do novel to notice a colt sneaking about.

So Dexter worked into the night, using his incredible knowledge of science and engineering to accomplish his vision. In truth, it was child’s play for Dexter. He finished the device a good couple of hours before sunrise.

“Whew,” He wiped some sweat off his forehead as he tightened the last bolt. “At last! My latest invention is now complete!” The device itself looked simple, it consisted of a bulky terminal connected to a large ring mounted to the floor. A semi-circle was within the ring.

“Now, to test the device.” He said, his eyes drifting around the room until they landed on his poor roommate.

The bedridden pony could only plead with his eyes, any other attempts to escape or protest were thwarted by his body cast. However, Dexter didn’t notice the pony’s ‘kill me now’ look as he walked over and started to wheel his victim test subject onto the center of a ring.

Once the unwilling patient was in position, Dexter pressed a large button. A moment later the semi-circle inside the ring rotated off the floor and to the other side of the ring, then back again. The whole time it bathed the pony in a white light bright enough to be a laser.

“Hmm…” Dexter said as he looked at the screens on the bulky terminal. “It appears that every other bone in your body is broken . . .” He turned toward a long printout the device was spewing onto the floor. “And other than an elevation in your adrenaline levels, you’re perfectly fine.”

The bed-ridden pony gave no response.

“Well, it looks like it was a success, as I knew it would be. Time to hit the hay!” Dexter said as he powered down the device and returned to his bed, confident that next day he would succeed in breaking out of his hallucination.

---

“Time for breakfast, who's hun-THE HAY HAPPENED IN HERE?!?” Dexter woke to the sound of a shout, followed by a tray hitting the floor.

In retrospect, it looked like most of the medical equipment had exploded. Their unused innards littered the floor.

But that didn’t deter Dexter. He was up almost instantly. “Oh, good morning nurse.” He said as he put on his glasses. “Could you please fetch counselor Avid Aura?” However, his request proved unnecessary. The mare in question, along with a number of other ponies, had heard the commotion and entered the room. Most wore a look of shock.

“D-Dexter! Are you alright? ” She said after a few moments, surveying the carnage of the medical equipment. Judging by the cup of coffee in her magical grasp, she had just arrived. “My goodness, what happened in here?”

“Science happened, my dear equine, science.” He replied, trying to hide a smug grin. Raising a hoof, he drew the other ponies' attention to his sleek and shiny invention in the center of the room. “Allow me to present my latest invention! The Medical Diagnostic Module Mark One. This baby can image an entire equine in 3D with a resolution of up a tenth of a micro-meter, as well as measure a wide range of physiological variables!”

“Dexter?” She managed to say, obviously trying to figure out to say. “Are you telling me you did all of this?” She motioned toward the destroyed equipment and the invention.

“Of course I did this,” Dexter replied matter-of-factly. “What, you think he did it?” He asked rhetorically as he pointed a hoof at the pony in the body cast. “Now allow me to demonstrate!” He said as he pushed a few buttons and jumped into the ring of his new device. It scanned him, emitting it’s near blinding light.

While it did so, a few of the nurses and at least one doctor got curious enough to approach the terminal. They had to admit, at the very least its sleek form appeared impressive. But it really caught their attention when displays started lighting up and the terminal started spewing print-outs.

“You see Miss Avid Aura,” Dexter began as he stepped out of the ring. “In a moment, we will have all the proof we need to finally prove I am hallucinating!”

“You’re bonkers in my book, kid.” Said one of the Doctors, it was Band-Aid.

“Dexter . . .” Aura began, trying to overcome her shock. “Are you telling me . . . you destroyed thousands of bits . . . worth of medical equipment to make . . . that?!” Aura was one of the few ponies hoping that this wouldn’t end up coming out of her paycheck. She was partly responsible for him.

“Well . . .” Dexter began hesitantly, starting to realize the down side of his plan. “Those devices sucked anyway.” He said defensively. “You’ll find that the Medical Diagnostic Module Mark One is far superior in every aspect. A fact which I will prove to you in a moment with the results of my scan. Heck, it might even tell what hallucinogen is in my system.”

“Umm . . . actually Dexter,” Came another new voice, it was Nurse Redheart. She was one of the nurses who had gotten curious about the invention and was now sitting at the terminal, looking into one of the screens. “This thing, whatever it is, says there is nothing wrong with you. The only detectable abnormality is that you have a significantly higher than average brain cell density . . .”

“Well I could have told you that,” Dexter said before remembering why he built the device. “Ah ha! It says I’m not crazy. Therefore this hallucination is now self-contradictory!” He cheered. “Now for this illusion to disappear!”

. . .

. . .

“Any second now . . .”

“So, let me get this straight.” Aura began, giving off a nervous and slightly creepy chuckle. At least she found a thread of irony. “You won’t listen to anypony when they tell you that you’re not hallucinating, and decide to spend all night destroying thousands of bits worth of medical equipment, to build a device . . . ”

She gets no response from Dexter, who was still, by the looks of it, waiting for something.

“Which only calls you dense?”

. . .

---

“Stupid equines . . . stupid hallucination.” Dexter muttered to himself in frustration as he paced back in forth. He had been relocated to the waiting room, where somepony would always be around to watch him. “Why can I envision Action Hank beating the stuffing out of them? Better yet, why am I still here?!?”

Needless to say, the aftermath of his morning was rather unpleasant. He never knew ponies could give off steam, and for a moment he was worried Aura might have a heart attack or something.

He’d never seen equines so angry before.

Shortly after his scheme failed to ‘liberate him from this fantasy’ an all gray unicorn had entered his hospital room. By the looks of him, he was an administrator. His name tag read ‘Gray Matter – Chief of Psychology.’

He addressed Aura through gritted teeth. “Tell me, Aura. Why is this colt, which is unsettling the other patients, and ruining medical equipment, still in this hospital? Especially when there is nothing discernibly wrong with him?”

He didn’t like the ‘we haven’t found his parents yet’ excuse.

“He is the most expensive case of Munchausen Syndrome this side of Canterlot, cut him loose!” He ordered.

He gray pony had turned to leave, but not before Dexter would get a word in.

“Hey gray butt!” He called out, causing the pony to stop.

“What was that?” He said, in an angry yet condescending tone.

“How can you accuse me of being a ‘hospital hopper’ when I have no medical history? What? Don’t other hospitals take notes too?” Dexter pointed out. His point was actually a rather good one.

However, this doctor was not the type to appreciate it when someone pointed out holes in his logic. Even if the hole was large enough a blind man could drive a dump truck through it.

So now Dexter was in a waiting room, awaiting the arrival of the pony who would volunteer to watch after him. He had waited about an hour before he was finally called by Aura.

“Dexter, would you please come with me?” She called and Dexter began to follow.

“Now Dexter, I was hoping to wait at least another day before doing this, but we are going to have to discharge you” She said, not getting a response. “But seeing how all attempts to locate your relatives have failed, coupled with the fact that no one of your description is listed as missing, we’re going to have to discharge you into the care of a temporary caregiver.”

“You mean a baby-sitter” Dexter replied, earning a glance from the unicorn. “Don’t worry, I’ll behave.” He hurriedly assured her.

“Now fortunately, Ponyville almost never has a situation where a foal is found without a family to care for them. So there are several listed volunteers available.” She explained. “And I took the liberty of contacting one last night.”

“Wait a second,” The colt said, looking up at the mare. “I thought you said you were trying to wait?”

“I was, Dexter,” Aura said. “But I knew that, with your parents being so hard to find, there was a chance that they would be deemed unfit for caring for a foal. Maybe even charged with negligence. If something worse didn’t happen to them . . .”

“I see.”

“So as a precaution, I contacted a listed volunteer last night after work.” Aura began again. “It was actually her and her brother who found you, and they requested to be updated about your status anyway. She comes from a respected family with strong values, and she’s considered one of the most dependable ponies in Ponyvi-”

“Relax Aura, You don’t have to try to sell me.” Dexter cut her off. “I’m sure she’ll suffice, at least until I break out of this hallucination.” He didn’t want to admit it, but a small part of him was hoping this ‘baby-sitter’ would share a love for science.

Aura merely nodded in response to Dexter as she guided him into a conference room, she resolved the best way to deal with his hallucination comments were to ignore them.

Following Aura into a conference room, Dexter laid eyes on his new ‘babysitter’ for the first time. She was a light orange pony with a golden blonde mane and green eyes. She sported a Stetson hat . . .

“Howdy!” She greeted warmly, her accent almost caused Dexter to trip. “You don’t remember me Dexter, but we’ve already met . . .”

---

Somewhere in the hospital two Doctors and a couple of nurses were standing around their newest piece of technology.

“This thing is . . . amazing!” Band-Aid said to one of the nurses who nodded in agreement.

“Yah, it's too bad we’ll never get to use it.” One of the nurses replied. “Gray Matter ordered it dumped.”

“What?! I’m going to talk to him” Band-Aid said as he left. “If anything, I’m taking that thing home for myself.”

“Why does Gray want it trashed?” Nurse Redheart asked her colleague. “It was made with parts from our own equipment, it must have some value.”

“I know, it's just that we can’t trust it. A young colt tinkered with it, not a professional.” The other nurse replied. “It is a shame though. We tested it against a bunch of standards and known samples, it reports information more accurately than anything we’ve ever seen. It agrees with previous measurements on the old equipment and even points out when the other devices are making mistakes . . .”

“Yah, it's good. And I have a feeling Band-Aid is not going to let it go.”

---

Author's Note:

Warning: Dexter has been moved within striking distance of the main six and the cutie mark crusaders. Proceed with caution.

Please Comment! Constructive criticism is appreciated. This is my first comedic fic, but it could easily just be transformed into an adventure/thriller if I suck with comedy. (Which is probably why I shouldn't try a KND fic after this.) - Also, I realize that some people want to skip to the shenanigans I have planned, I'll write something short up and post it in a linked blog, let me know what you think of it.

Again. I proof read it only a few times. I won’t pretend there aren't mistakes. (I really could use a proof reader.) Please point out typos and mistakes, I’ll try to correct them - be specific so I can find it!

Yes, that device Dexter built will be used later as a plot item. When curious ponies try to find out if Dexter is a boy genius with a secret underground laboratory, it might help if that had an example of his genius and a witness.