Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital
Chapter 6 Pinkie Vs. Avocado
-ooooooo-
Dan threw open the doors to his apartment and trudged inside, a scowl on his face directed on anything in front of him. “I can’t believe you’re polluting the sanctity of my—“Dan paused for a moment and glanced upwards—“sanctuary with your rainbow assortment of devil food.” Dan turned to glare at Pinkie as she walked in behind him, a large paper bag hefted in either arm in front of her, covering her face. “I also can’t believe you made me carry one of those filthy—blech—paper bags and hold your hand up the stairs!”
Pinkie peaked her head out from behind one of the bags. “But I get all trippy and fally on the stairs, still!” she said.
Dan began to grumble under his breath, “Should have tossed the bag over the side… and the other one… and you…”
Pinkie took a few steps over to the kitchen counter and set the bags down. “Besides!” She said turning towards Dan. “Veggies and fruits are good and good for you! They’re not evil!”
“Oh yeah?” Dan replied. “Then why does the very earth itself reject them? Pushing them away from itself as if it was trying to distance itself from their devilry!”
Pinkie smirked. “Potatoes come from the ground.”
Dan simply smiled back, showing off his set of yellowing teeth. “Well I’m not sure what they teach you back in horsey-horse land, but if you check any nutritional chart here you’ll find potatoes under carbohydrates or stable starches. Safely fenced off from the fruity rumpus craphole factory that’s the fruits and vegetable sections.” Dan folded his brow slightly. “Say, what do they teach in horsey-horse land? I can only imagine it’s all about the proper way to frolic and how rainbows should make you feel when you look at them.”
“Pffft… I wish,” Pinkie said as she waved a hand about. “It’s all math and history and junk. I had to learn all the fun stuff like frolicking and how to build party cannons and gyrocopters all on my lonesome!”
“… What?” Dan quickly shook his head back and forth. “No, never mind… The point is fruits and vegetables are the creation of Lucifer himself and you should feel bad for using your high pitched, girly attack screech on me.”
Pinkie gave Dan a sour look. “I didn’t use any girly attack screech!” she said shrilly.
“See!” Dan cried. “You did it again!”
“Look, I just—”
“Seriously! You sound like an angry bat.”
Pinkie’s left eye twitched slightly as she gritted her teeth. She let out an annoyed “Grrrrrr!” before reattempting her sentence. “Look, I just told you I’d had almost nothing but bread since I got here and might have the early symptoms of scurvy!”
>-ooooo-<
Pinkie leaned down and crawled into the large and funtastic furniture fort that Dan and she had constructed. Though using almost all the apartment’s furniture and it’s unusually large amount of throw pillows to construct the fort made for some interesting living challenges, but Pinkie loved the fort as both a fun place to spend some time with her favorite roommate in the whole wide world and also as a symbol of the their internal bond of friendship.
<-“Wow, even your thoughts are ridiculously stupid and lame!”->
<-“Shhhhh! I’m telling a story!”->
<-“Fine, whatever! Go back to lying, you liar, liar, shorts soon to be on fire.”->
ANYWAY, Pinkie had almost completely dressed herself. Only the one stupid, shiny button on her shorts kept her from scoring a 100% on that hectic endeavor. No doubt Dan, a.k.a The Best Roommate ever, would be overjoyed that she only needed him to help her with the one button instead of the zipper or stupid clasppy things she needed for her chest-lump holder.
Dan sat on the mattress that served as the floor and bed for both him and Pinkie. Mr. Mumbles, who was a girl cat despite her name, and was also very fuzzy and fun to pet sat in Dan’s lap. Dan was dressed in his Mr. Moneybags outfit for some reason… probably because it was fun.
Pinkie made a mental note to purchase more disguises for herself and check her hair inventory for anything usable that might have made it across the dimension with her.
“Uh… Hey, bestest best friend in the whole wide world?” Pinkie said to her bestest best friend in the whole wide world.
“What is it, pink girl?” Dan asked in his usual grumpy tone. “Can’t you see I’m watching a very important document regarding how goats can be a useful tool regarding decreasing the surplus population?”
“Okay… well I’m sure watching goats go crazy is very important, I was hoping you could take me to the store.” Pinkie gave Dan her best hopeful friendship smile. “Pretty please?”
“The store is like five blocks away! Can’t you go yourself?”
Pinkie wrapped her arms around herself remembering that outside was full of scary things. “But… but it’s really scary outside! I could be attacked again by a scary man! Or even a dog that doesn’t want to be my friend! Or even a scary man riding a dog that doesn’t want to be my friend!”
“What do you even need from the store?”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip. “I’m hungry and the only thing here for me to eat is bread, mayonnaise, and soda!”
“And turkey meat!” Dan cried indignantly. “It’s not my fault you’re not adjusting to your new living situation and refuse to accept basic facts about the food chain you find yourself on top off.”
From the T.V. a man’s tortured scream was soon cut off by an angry sounding bleat of a goat.
“Er… under goats.”
“Dan! What if there are killer goats outside!”
Dan sighed. “Where do you think this is? Some horribly third world country like Denmark?”
Pinkie gave Dan a sheepish grin. She was still learning a lot about the world. “Uh… Is it?”
“No you idiot! This is America where goats and their murderous intentions are held at bay by the American Goat Society.”
“Oh… but if I go outside I could still be attacked by scary men or dogs?”
“Oh, absolutely. It’s sad, but violent, angry men are just allowed to run free, and who knows if one of those little terrors people keep behind their measly defenses will decide to jump fence and start biting the heck of anyone they see.”
Pinkie’s eyes widened as she felt water pool around her eyes. She tried to choke back her sobs, but this place was still scary even with a tough guy like Dan to keep her safe. Going out alone where she could be picked off by some stranger or dog was a terrifying thought.
“… hic… sob… WOUHAAAAAHOUAAAAAAHOUAAAAAAAAA…!”
“Alright, geez! Stop crying! I’ll take you to the stupid store to get oats or whatever it is you horses eat.”
Pinkie immediately stopped crying and smiled happily at her bestest best roommate/friend and the whole wide world. “I don’t need oats. I just want some fruits and veggies.”
“WHAT?!” Dan roared in that voice that meant he was really angry and just not the regular type of grumpy he usually was. “YOU WANT TO FILL MY APARTMENT WITH THAT GARBAGE?!”
“Dan! I’m feeling all tired and weird and stuff! I told Elise about it and she said that my diet of just bread and soda might mean I was starting to get scurvy! And as much as I like pirates, I really like my teeth Dan! I use them every day!”
Dan sighed as he lifted Mr. Mumbles off his lap and crawled towards the entrance of the furniture fort. “You really whine about the stupidest things, you know that?”
Pinkie grinned cheerfully. “On that note, can you help me with my shorts button?”
“GHA!” Dan cried back in annoyance.
<-ooooo->
“That’s not how it happened!” Dan cried.
Pinkie folded her arms across her chest. “That’s pretty much exactly how it happened!”
Dan narrowed his eyes and leveled an angry index finger at Pinkie. “Look, unless you have a witness to backup this fable you cooked up, I’m not going to believe a word you say!”
Mr. Mumbles poked her head out from under the furniture forts Foosball table entrance. “Meow.”
Dan turned and glared at the cat. “Traitor!”
“It’s okay, Dan!” Pinkie said in a chipper tone. “Now I can make all the salads, both fruit and regular kind, that I want!” Pinkie pursed her lips slightly. “But I still don’t know what to do with the avocado thingy…”
Dan shot Pinkie an irritated scowl. “I have an idea…”
Pinkie’s face lit up. “Ooo! Ooo! You know how I should eat it?”
Dan shook his head. “No, but my idea does involve shoving it in an orifice.”
Pinkie tapped the side of her chin thoughtfully as she stared upwards for a moment. “Hmmmm… Maybe Elise knows…” Pinkie smiled. “I can call her up on your magic talking thingy!”
“Stop calling that evil minion stealer on my phone!” Dan shouted back. “She’s the one who filled your head with all this nonsense about needing fruits and vegetables! She’s clearly bought into the plot set forth by the vegetable illuminati that’s spreading the lie you need fruits and vegetables every day!”
Pinkie frowned. “So I’m guessing you don’t want any yummy salad, fruit or otherwise…”
“Just keep your Satan plants away from me,” Dan replied. He walked over to the furniture fort and crawled inside, returning to watching relaxing programs of animals attacking other animals and sometimes people. He silently endured the occasional annoyance of Pinkie’s moans of pleasure as she sampled her evil and disgusting plants and then her obnoxiously high pitched voice as she conversed with hated and known minion thief Elise.
“Okie-dokie-lokie!” Pinkie said. “Bye-bye, Elise!” Dan heard Pinkie hang-up the phone before she decided that she simply hadn’t stolen away enough of his time today.
“Dan!” Pinkie called out. “Elise says I can make guacamole from the insides of the avocado thingy!”
Dan rolled his eyes. “That can’t possibly be a real thing! It sounds even more made up than anything else you’ve said today.”
“She says I just cut it in half and scoop out the green stuff, mash it up, then mix it with lemon juice, salt, and some other veggies and spices!”
Dan sighed. “Seriously, who in their right mind makes a green goo with the purpose of eating it? Look, if you want to perform some sort of mad science experiment with obviously completely inedible and unnatural plant matter, be my guest! Just leave me out of it.”
“Fine!” Pinkie said in a slightly exasperated tone. “More Guacamole for me!”
“GOOD! I hope you choke on your green goo and die! Now stop bugging me unless you actually have something important to say.”
For a brief handful of moments, all Dan could here was the T.V. in front of him. Pinkie quickly put a stop to that once again.
“Ooo! Ooo! Dan! I found a big round wooden ball thingy in the middle of the avocado thingy when I cut it open! What do?!”
“SERIOUSLY!” Dan snapped back. “I just told you to leave me alone unless it was important! You have a knife! Just… cut it out or something!”
“Oh… Okay!” Pinkie replied cheerfully.
Dan returned to watching the T.V. Thankfully, Pinkie had finally quieted down. Only interrupting the sound of the nature program with the sound of a startled yelp and some high pitched whines of pure terror, nothing too out of the ordinary.
…
… Wait, what?
“Da… Dan?” Pinkie called out in a strained tone.
Dan sighed as he crawled out of the fort and stood up. “Pinkie, this better be go—GhaHaaahhaaaahhaaahaaaaaaaa?”
Pinkie held her hands up in front of her face, her right clamped tightly around her left wrist, and her left hand held half of an avocado and its pit despite her fingers not gripping it. A steak knife that was shoved straight through the pit with the blade exiting out the back of her hand kept the fruit in place.
Pinkie gulped as she tore her eyes away from the avocado and knife that where now affixed to her hand. She gave Dan a pained, terrified look as she began to speak in a squeaky, anxious voice, “Does… does this count as important?”
oh snap
That's gotta hurt like a bitch.
Ooh... that has GOT to hurt.
Another great little chapter. Keep 'em coming!
Fun Maybe Fact! It is highly plausible that Pinkie not only makes party cannons, but party canons as well! Sacred texts depicting proper party procedures procured politely phrom places of participating party phenomena! Complete with hymns and psalms and even cheesy testaments! Not to mention the SWEET REVELATIONS HERALDING THE CREATION OF EQUESTRIA!
5439058
Yeah, yeah... Fixed.
Is it bad I'm laughing really hard at the thought of a knife going through Pinkie's hand?
Why would she put it on top of her hand before cutting...
Oh, right. Hooves. Non squishy parts. Natural defense against sharp things. Can have a nail driven through it without actually hurting the creature in question.
Did you really write yourself into a story?
5439185
Not sure what you mean. If you mean "Dan" then no, Dan is certainly not my self insert. He has his own cartoon.
5439192 And unfortunately, it was cancelled in 2013.
Which is why reading this story makes me sad.
Considering that Dan doesn't use hospitals, the next chapter is likely to be horribly mentally scarring for Pinkie. So, about the same as any other day.
The scary part is that later on in their relationship, that would actually probably count as foreplay...
OUCHIES!!
5439106 The underside of the hoof, in the center, is NOT hard. There ARE soft, squishy bits. That's WHY you nail a metal shoe to the hard part of the hoof.
Pinkie stabbed herself!?!
I was gonna make a joke, but that ending took the energy out of me.
Oh, who am I kidding, of course it didn't!
Dan, I'm pretty sure you have to be in an M-rated fic before you can do THAT. At least, on screen.
evil guacamole
Ooooooh buck, I had nightmare about that once, only it was with a syringe and it was going up through where my fingerprint is.
5439317 Yeah, but Pinkie didn't drive the knife through that part. She cut into the part of her hand where it would be hard.
5439064
FIXED!? Wait, but, I liked it- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Also, hi!
A knife in hand does not stop Pinkie from partying
Dan: No. (goes back to watching TV)
holy bejeezuz, that escalated quickly.
I was expecting the "seed" of the avocado to have bounced up and gotten stuck in Pinkie's eye.
Happened to a friend of mine once.
We call him Wood-eye since.
Heard he's working as a grocer nowadays.
5441465 Tis nothing more than a flesh wound. *Hi pitched screams come from the magic box of prophecy* This guy on the other hand lost his arm to a goat...
0_0
fruity rumpus craphole factory
i knew it, you ARE a homestuck
5656212
I'm sure there's another reference or two somewhere in my stories, but yes, I'm definitely a fan.
Are you telling me Pinkie stabbed through the avocado pit into her own hand?
5750197
Yes. This was inspired by a picture I saw on the internet of this exact situation happening.
5751489 Do I even want to ask where you found a picture of that.
5758097
I don't even remember how I came across it. It's just floating around the net, making peeps cringe.
No Pinkie. Just pull out the knife and cover your hand with some toilet paper. I'm in the middle of some very important tv watching, so don't come back unless your hand is falling off!
5439616
The palm of the hand (where Pinkie stabbed herself) is most closely analogous to the sole of the hoof, which is most definitely NOT hard. The hard part is the wall, which is basically the fingernail.
Ah... I had forgotten how their relationship was in the beginning...
Goats? You mean the Mountain Goat to the Cooch?