Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital: Chapter 9 Dan Vs. A Real Doctor
Dan and Pinkie Take a Slice out of Life
Part 2 Pinkie Vs. Hospital
Chapter 9 Dan Vs. A Real Doctor
-ooooooo-
Steel blue eyes examined a silver-grey mass of duct tape from behind a pair of spectacles. The eyes were narrowed and stared at the mass disapprovingly, and were likewise attached to a man’s face whose lips and a brow matched the eyes in their disapproving look. The face was attached to a head with medium length brown hair and the rest of the head was attached to a neck with a stethoscope around it which was attached to a body clothed in a doctor’s coat.
“Lost cause, am I right?” a male’s nasally voice asked. “Amputation is the only option? If you hand me a hacksaw, I can get you started.”
The doctor looked towards the source of the voice in annoyance as a soft, but high-pitched whimper sounded out.
“What?” Dan protested looking at Pinkie. “The faster you get your hand cut off, the faster you can get it replaced with something better, like a robot hand or chainsaw… We’ve been over this!”
“I know!” Pinkie said as she reclined on an exam table. “And I don’t want either of those things or my hand cut off at all, really!”
Dan glared angrily at Pinkie. “I refuse to share a bed or even apartment with a woman who doesn’t want her hand chopped off and replaced with some robotic appendage!”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip and gave Dan a distressed look. “But Dan! Outside is where the muggers live!”
“Gee!” Dan replied. “If only you had a hand with a gun built into it to defend yourself!”
The doctor looked between the two quelling occupants of the hospital room and adjusted his glasses slightly. “You two do realize this is just a regular hospital, right? I mean… Considering how recent the injury occurred, it’s rather likely the hand will be fine after it gets sterilized and bandaged properly, and even if it did have to be removed we wouldn’t be able to provide any prosthetics out of the ordinary.”
Dan leveled an angry index finger at the doctor. “Well Doctoooooooooor… uh…”
The doctor sighed. “Doctor Horses. I tried to introduce myself when you came in, but you interrupted me by asking ‘when I was going to break out the bone saw’.”
Pinkie furrowed her brow. “Why would you make a saw out of bone?”
Dan threw his hands up in the air. “Why would anyone have the last name of ‘Horses’?! I mean… Horse would be strange enough, and maybe I could even buy Horseman! But… How do you end up with a last name that’s the plural of horse?!”
Doctor Horses gave Dan an unamused look. “Can we not talk about my name? How about we talk about removing this wad of tape from around the lady’s hand and getting it taken care of.”
Dan raised an index finger straight up. “First of all, don’t call her ‘lady’.”
Doctor Horses held up his palms defensively. “I meant no disrespect.”
Dan nodded. “Exactly!” Dan began to count off on his fingers. “You can call her ‘obnoxious, ‘pink thing’, ‘girl that won’t stop crying because she can’t go home and is making a huge deal about it’…”
Pinkie puffed out her lower lip as her sky blue eyes became glassy. “I’m sad now…”
Dan motioned to her. “See! Like that! If you talk to her like people, she going to start thinking she is one!”
Pinkie looked at Dan quizzically. “I don’t think I’m going to start thinking I’m really a person anytime soon.” Pinkie smiled at Dan. “But thanks for thinking about me!”
Dan let out an irritated “Gah!” followed by “Aborting conversation!”
Doctor Horses looked between Dan and Pinkie in confusion.
Dan continued speaking, “Also, I really hope ‘taken care of’ means ‘amputated’ so it can be changed to something better than a boring, stable, regular hand!”
Doctor Horses narrowed his eyes at Dan. “It does not.”
Dan threw his hands up into the air. “Well what are we even paying you for?!”
Doctor Horses glanced at the mass of duct tape around Pinkie’s hands. “Presumably to do all the things I just said.”
“Useless!” Dan declared as he put on a sullen look and folded his arms in front of his chest.
“Erm… I’m fine with just having my hand fixed up,” Pinkie said, raising her taped hand up above her.
Dan shook his head and then smiled. “Or we can have the hospital chop off your hand and see what Elise could do for you! She seems to tolerate you and I bet she can attach all kinds of crazy things to your stump arm!” He grinned wickedly. “Come on! Haven’t you ever got so annoyed with someone you wished your hand had the power to destroy them at the cellular level so they turned into a pile of green goo?”
“Uh… no?” Pinkie replied. “I can honestly say I have never wished that even once.”
“I’m dropping you off in ‘Oh, God! Not in the face!’ alley tonight, missy!” Dan exclaimed angrily.
Pinkie’s body tensed up. “But I need my face! It’s where I keep my smiles and also my peepers and nosey!”
Doctor Horses brought a fist up to his face and cleared his throat. “First of all, we don’t just chop off appendages unless it’s absolutely necessary!”
Dan put on a sullen look. “And that’s why we can put men into space, but don’t have cyborgs yet!”
Doctor Horses continued, “Second, I can’t figure out what the heck what kind of relationship you two have and at this point I don’t think I want to know.” He looked at the mass of duct tape. “So I’m going to carefully cut that tape off of Ms. Diane Pie, fix her up, and then kindly ask you both to leave and not injure yourselves or each other to the point you need medical attention for a good long while.”
Dan and Pinkie turned towards each other and exchanged blank glances before turning towards the Doctor. “No promises,” they said in unison.
Doctor Horses just sighed as he produced a small pair of scissors from his doctor’s coat and gently but firmly grasped Pinkie’s taped hand. “Well, I’m at least going to cut this mess of tape off your hand, fix you up, and ask you to leave.”
“Mess?!” Dan said indignantly. “Hey buster! You try wrapping a bleeding hand with a knife sticking out of it while driving at the same time and we’ll see how good a job you do.”
Doctor Horses glanced at Dan and raised an eyebrow. “That sounds incredibly dangerous.”
Dan motioned towards Pinkie. “She was bleeding! What did you want me to do!? Just ignore that?!”
“Awwww…” Pinkie uttered as she smiled at Dan sweetly.
Dan continued, “I mean, she was getting blood all over my car! Like fun I was going keep letting that happen.”
“… Awwwww…” Pinkie uttered in a disappointed tone as she hung her head.
Doctor Horses sighed and turned back towards the duct tape. “Alright, Ms. Diane Pie, keep very still. We wouldn’t want to injure your hand further.”
Dan smiled wildly. “Or you can move around a whole bunch so the hospital has no choice but to remove your hand!”
“Dan!” Pinkie said sharply. “I don’t want to lose my hand!”
Doctor Horses muttered something incoherent under his breath as he lowered his head and the scissors.
Dan grumbled to himself. “Well, you’re no fun.”
Much to Dan’s surprise, Pinkie reached out and grabbed the collar of his shirt in her free hand and pulled him up to her face. In what seemed like an instance, her expression had changed to one of deep anger. Her lips parted into a sneer as her teeth pressed down hard against each other. “You take that back!” she hissed out harshly through her teeth.
Dan stared back at Pinkie in surprise for a moment as he took in the uncharacteristically angry expression he was looking at. After a brief pause he slowly raised his palms in front of him defensively. “I… uh… erm… Okay, you are fun and you add an extra bit of interesting to my already eventful life I would not have otherwise.”
Pinkie released Dan’s shirt. “That’s better.”
Doctor Horses gave Dan and Pinkie a look of annoyance far beyond what his monthly salary typically allows. “Can I please at least cut off the tape to see what I’m dealing with here.”
“Alright, Doctor Equines!” Dan said as he threw his hands up in defeat. “Have at it.” Dan threw himself onto a black padded stool. “I’ll just be sitting here lamenting all the lost potential.”
With a heavy sigh, Doctor Horses carefully inserted the scissors into the mass of tape and began cutting. Soon he was able to peel away the layer of adhesive.
Pinkie glanced at the scene under the tape, inhaling sharply and tensing her body as she got the first look of what was going on with her hand under all the tape. “Ga-ga-green…” she uttered.
Dan leaned over and peaked with interest. “Well, that’s definitely gangrene! Looks like that hand is a goner! Better prep the sawblade to hack off the rotting hand and then… oh…” Dan smiled. “Then you can just attach the same saw blade in place of the hand! Efficient, ironic, and awesome!”
Doctor Horses rolled his eyes. “That’s just smashed avocado all over the hand. Infection takes more than a few hours to set in and start affecting the wounded area.”
Pinkie let out a sigh of relief.
Doctor Horses looked over the hand, which still had a knife sticking straight through an avocado pit, but hand, knife, and pit where now all covered in smashed avocado and avocado rind as well as a fair amount of dried blood. “Well, Ms. Diane Pie—”
Pinkie giggled. “Please! Call me Pinkie! Ms. Diane Pie is my mother, except she’s Mrs. and also not Diane… Also, her name doesn’t end in ‘Pie’, but you can call me Pinkie anyway.”
Doctor Horses gave Pinkie a slightly befuddled smirk. “Alright, Pinkie. If you’ll just follow me to the sink, we’ll get this washed up and I’ll see about removing that knife.” He gently helped Pinkie to her feet and the two walked over to a sink in the corner of the room.
“Ugh… Fine!” Dan said in an annoyed tone. “Just get your hand fixed the boring way! Just know you’re missing out on an opportunity to get your hand replaced with something cool, like a claw or even a clamp.”
Pinkie’s head suddenly shuttered and she grit her teeth together as she turned to look at Dan. “Dan! Could you please just be quiet for a little bit?!”
Doctor Horses began to wordlessly run water over Pinkie’s hand and cut way at the avocado rind with his scissors.
“What did I do!?” Dan exclaimed as he motioned to himself. “All I’m saying is you have a perfect opportunity here to become a cyborg and you’re throwing it all away!”
“Well maybe I don’t want to become a cyborg!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Blasphemy!” Dan replied. “You’re lucky I know that you don’t know who Jean-Claude Van Damme is or I’d disown you on the spot!”
Pinkie’s left eye twitched. She grit her teeth and forced a smile. “Well, maybe you can tell me about him after I get my hand fixed?”
“Pfffft! By then it’ll be too late!”
Pinkie frowned deeply and stared up into her own eyelids. “Dan, can we pleasey-weasey-with-something-besides-cheesy on top stop talking about having my hand cut off?!”
“Okay, fine, sure!” Dan replied. “Just go ahead and make the biggest mistake of your life!”
“Dan! Please let this go!”
“I’ll let it go when you let it go,” Dan said as he pointed an index finger at Pinkie. He repositioned the finger to point at her injured hand. “‘It’ being your silly attachment to that hand you so brutally stabbed a knife through!”
“Oh my gosh, Dan! Just stop!”
“Hey, you know what doesn’t stop?”
“Daaaaaaaaan…” Pinkie growled out in a warning tone.
“A robot hand!” Dan continued. “You see Pinkie, robotics can carry on long after regular flesh hands get tired and cramp up. I really don’t see why you’re being a big whiney pink baby about all this…”
“DAN!” Pinkie screamed shrilly. “IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP I’M GOING TO STAB YOU WITH MY KNIFE HAND!”
Dan pursed his lips and stared at Pinkie in surprise for a moment. “You mean the knife hand you have now, or the cool cyborg hand you’re going to get?”
“SERIOUSLY! I’M GOING TO STAB YOU LIKE FIVE TIMES!”
“Regular stabs or stabs delivered from a hydraulic-based Stab-O-Matic that’s attached to your wrist?”
“SIX!”
“Well, I guess it doesn’t have to be hydraulic-based… Even a mechanical stabber powered by—”
“EIGHT!”
“Okay, okay, okay!” Dan said as he raised his palms in front of him. “Fine! Let’s just get that knife out of your hand, get you bandaged up, and go home.”
Pinkie breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you…” she said in an exasperated tone.
“Oh, I already took the knife out,” Doctor Horses said casually as he scrubbed at Pinkie’s hand.
Dan and Pinkie turned to look at the doctor in surprise. “Really?!” they said in unison.
Doctor Horses nodded. “Yep! I took it out while you two were yelling at each other. Seemed like an opportune time.”
“Phew!” Pinkie exclaimed. She raised her hand and looked at it. “Geez, am I glad to have that done and over with and ohmygosh my hand wound looks freaky and-someone-catch-me-‘cause-I’m-going-to-pass-out.”
“What…?” Doctor Horses replied.
Dan suddenly rushed over as Pinkie’s head swayed from side to side and her eyes rolled back into her head. Dan extended his arms out just in time for Pinkie to fall into them. He quickly dragged Pinkie over to the exam table and placed her on it.
Doctor Horses quickly rushed over and grabbed the stethoscope which was around his neck. He placed the ear tips into his ears and the metal drum against Pinkie’s chest.
“… She dead?” Dan asked.
The Doctor listened for a bit, then shook her head. “No, her heart is beating regularly… She’s passed out, but otherwise fine.”
“… Rats…” Dan uttered. He turned to the Doctor in smiled. “Hey, want to do weird stuff to her while she’s unconscious?”
“What?! No!” Doctor Horses exclaimed. “That would be a horrible violation of the Hippocratic Oath!”
“Whoa!” Dan said holding up a hand. “I just meant we can see how many Popsicle sticks will fit in her mouth.”
Doctor Horses sighed and covered his face with a hand. “Tongue depressors… They’re called ‘tongue depressors’.” He paused and then pointed at a cupboard with his free hand. “And they’re in there…”
“Hah! Score!” Dan said as he rushed over to the cupboard.
-ooooo-
Pinkie cringed slightly as she heard the sound of an explosion followed by people screaming and running. Her heart quickly kicked into overdrive as she sat up. “Dan?! What’s…” Pinkie trailed off as she took note of her surroundings. She was back on Dan’s mattress which was surrounded by pillows with a blanket ceiling. Mr. Mumbles meowed softly as she laid curled up next to her. In front of her, the TV filled the furniture fort with flickering light as a pair of giant, rubbery monsters slugged it out over a rather ‘fragile’ city.
“Oh good,” Dan said in a sarcastic tone from besides Pinkie. “I was worried the rest of my evening would be too quiet.”
Pinkie glanced at Dan and then raised her left hand in front of her face. It was covered in clean white bandages, though it still throbbed slightly from the covered wound in the center of it. Still, it was a vast improvement over having a knife hilt sticking out of a round avocado bit with everything stuck to her palm like a bizarre, handheld sword in the stone scene. “Phew!” Pinkie said with a smile. “Never thought I’d be happy to have my super gross hand that looks like it’s made out of big pink sausages, like eagle talons mixed with squid, back.”
Dan shot Pinkie an irritated glance. “If that’s the way you felt, then why’d you whine so much about getting a different hand!?”
“‘Cause I didn’t want it chopped off and… I don’t know… Maybe I’d like time to think of a cyborg hand that was maybe also a weapon before my hand gets swapped out for that?!”
Dan threw his hands up. “Why would you even need to think about getting an awesome cyborg hand!?”
Pinkie let out a defeated sigh and shook her head. “So uh… Doctor Horses took care of my hand and said I would go home?”
Dan shrugged. “Eh, close enough,” he said with a dismissive wave of his hand.
“Close enough?!” Pinkie asked in confusion. “What… Do we…” Pinkie swallowed as she remembered some previous experiences with Dan and taking care of wounds. “Do we need to change bandages at some point?”
“Naw,” Dan said, “I mean like… First I tried to figure out how many tongue depressors we could fit in your mouth while you slept.”
Pinkie giggled. “That sounds fun! I kind of wish I was awake for that.”
Dan sighed. “Yeah, but your mouth unhinges like a snake’s or something, so I ran out of tongue depressors and then I asked the doctor for a hacksaw…”
“What?!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“I was bored and figured if the doctor wouldn’t help me turn you into a cyborg, I’d take matters into my own hands… or rather remove your own hand.”
Pinkie’s left eye twitched.
“… but the doctor threw me out and security got wind of me looking for a saw and I had to wait outside…”
Pinkie grit her teeth.
“… and then the doctor wanted to keep you for a few hours for observation, but I was missing the giant monster marathon and coming back would mean another trip to the hospital so…”
Pinkie’s eyes widened as red veins spider-webbed across the white of her eyes.
“… so I basically broke you out and dragged your unconscious body through the hospital and parking lot where I stuffed you back in the car, drove you home, and dragged you back upstairs.” Dan narrowed his eyes at Pinkie. “You’re welcome.”
Pinkie clenched her eyes shut as her head shuttered rapidly for a moment. Then she quickly darted out from under the foosball table exit.
Dan and Mr. Mumbles watched her leave with an inquisitive expression. “Pinkie? Where the heck are you going!?” Dan motioned to the TV. “All the action is in here!”
The sound of rustling silverware could be heard from right outside the fort. “Be right back~!” Pinkie called out shortly.
Dan shrugged and turned back to the TV. Soon Pinkie appeared back in the entrance, an innocent smile on her face and a razor sharp chef's knife in her hand.
“GAH!” Dan exclaimed and crawled towards the back of the fort as Mr. Mumbles darted away from him. Dan was soon stopped by the cushion free couch. “Pi-Pinkie!? Wa-wa…”
Pinkie slowly crawled up to Dan, smile still on her face.
Dan swallowed. “What are you going to do with that knife?”
“Oh, this?” Pinkie said as she held up the knife. “Nothing!” Pinkie answered in a chipper tone as she reached Dan. She placed her back against the couch and rested her hand holding the knife on Dan’s thigh, point facing up towards Dan’s face. She then rested her head on Dan’s shoulder and closer her eyes. Yawning, she closed her eyes.
“Uh… Well what do you think you’re doing now?!” Dan asked irritably.
“Oh… I’m just… resting…” Pinkie said sleepily.
Mr. Mumbles slowly walked across the mattress and stared up at Pinkie with a cautious expression on her face. Looking down at Pinkie’s lap, Mr. Mumbles jumped up, spun around, and curled into a ball.
“Traitor!” Dan said as he stared at Mr. Mumbles.
Soon both cat and roommate were fast asleep.
Dan sighed as he looked down at the knife resting near his stomach and pointed up at him, then turned and sneered at the woman quietly sleeping with her head on his shoulder. He shook his head. “What the heck did I do to deserve this?!”
End Part 2.
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OH OH!!!! is this the origin of the stab-o-meter? starting with eight is pretty impressive!
Huzzah! This updated again!
And the return is glorious!
Pinkie, you really should have shown how much you lve Dan by getting right to the heart of the problem, and placing your knife hand about 8 inches lower.
Yay! The other madman on Fimfiction has returned!
Oh Dan...What are we to DO with you??
Awesome chapter btw....now go make MOAR!!
I totally understand why Pinkie would not want to have Dan cut off her hand and turn her into a deadly, monstrous cyborg....
...but is it wrong that part of me wanted him to do it anyway?...
cant stop laughing. I've missed Dan and pinkie
I think you mean Ms.
7541124 Fixed! Thank you!
No one has mentioned that Pinkie could have asked a dark wizard to conjure up a silver hand, if she had hers cut off, which would then strangle her the instant she showed any sign of compassion!
I see a The Lego Movie reference in there; when Emmet is describing a human hand to the rest of the mini figures when they enter his empty skull ofa a mind
Is it wrong that I’ve actually uttered this same sentence before?
I’m not touching this one with a 10 foot pole. I’ve seen Kill Bill and know what happens if you try this.