Pinkie Pie Vs. Organics Chapter 12: Pinkie Vs. Patience
Her scream of righteous indignation complete, Pinkie went about beginning her well-thought out and elaborate plan for revenge.
“No one is grapeful for YOU! You overpriced baby-raisins!” Pinkie exclaimed as she brought an open palm down on a bunch of grapes which popped and squirted everywhere.
Or rather, she began randomly destroying organic produce while Dan watched in amusement.
“I didn’t ask for you in my life, lemons!” Pinkie shouted as she took two of the yellow fruit in her hands and smashed them together, causing a spray of lemon juice. “I demand to see life’s manager!”
Dan merely snickered to himself as Pinkie grabbed even more items to destroy personally.
“Prepared to be squashed, squash!” Pinkie announced as she sat down long, yellow squashes on the ground then jumped onto them, their tops breaking apart as her tennis shoes smashed through to their gooey centers.
Covered in various juices and now wearing oversized squash shoes, Pinkie attempted to catch her breath as she slumped her shoulders and let her arms dangle.
“Welp, I’m tired, sticky, and covered with fluids…”
Dan shrugged. “And somehow I wasn’t directly involved for once.”
“I know, right?!”
“It was fun to watch, though!” Dan said. He frowned slightly and tapped at his chin. “I wonder what that says about me…”
“Hey!” A male’s voice called out in protest. “Are you going to pay for that?!”
Pinkie shook her hand in the direction of the voice and shrilled, “You’re going to pay for that! Supporting big organics, that is!” Pinkie reached out and grabbed the first bit of produce she could get a hold of. In this case, an apple. She lobbed it towards the source of the voice where her apple assault was met with a cry of “Ow! My EYE!”
Turning back towards Dan, Pinkie sighed. “Dan! As much fun as this is, it’s taking forever! We can’t spend all day slowly destroying a portion of a grocery store before the cops chase us off again! We have groceries to get home, snuggles to catch up on, and debates to have over how much real skin Pat Sajak and Vanna White still have!”
Dan raised a finger into the air. “I still maintain it’s 100%, just not their own.”
Pinkie sighed. “I just… I think if they were skinwalkers, Bob Barker would have returned to banish them!”
Dan groaned. “Pinkie, I keep telling you! Bob Barker isn’t Native American, he’s just really tan! Like… he’s probably just Cherokee, or something.”
“Ugh, fine!” Pinkie wined. “Alex Trebek with his unrivaled knowledge of secrets, then!”
“Who will protect those secrets if Alex Trebek is broken on the Wheel, Pinkie?! Who?!”
Pinkie frowned heavily. “Listen, I—” She took a step forward and slid slightly. Concerned grimace on her face, Pinkie put out her arms to balance herself then availed herself of her squash shoes. “Okay, first thing’s first, we still need to figure out how to stop organic food’s terrible reign over produce and produce kind.”
Dan frowned. “Well, unfortunately the insidious plot of organic foods runs deep… or wide rather…” Dan stared up at the ceiling and stroked his chin. “In hindsight, I should have said ‘plots’ there… Anyhow, misinformation has already infected the general populace and many poor misinformed rubes not only believe the lie that organics are inherently better for them but that GMOs are somehow harmful and might, say, cause dangerous mutations to any who eat them.” Dan narrowed his eyes. “Which is equal parts disappointing and wrong in regarding to how true it is.” He smacked a fist on-top of an open palm. “It won’t be easy… or quick… but by spreading the word and truth regarding the benefits of Genetically Modified Organisms, violently if necessary, in time we can bring an end to the tyranny of—”
Dan was quickly cut off but a string of hacking coughs and sputters. He turned to see Pinkie with her right hand over her mouth as she continued to cough into it and a familiar metal red gas-can with a small length of hose sticking out of it.
Dan looked at the gas-can, a.k.a. The Arsonist’s Best Friend, quizzically. “Did you even listen to a word I said?!”
“No, sorry,” Pinkie admitted. “I went outside and siphoned a buncha gas from the cars in the parking lot so we can burn this mother of an organics food section down because everything you said sounded boring and hard!”
Dan’s left eye twitched. “Okay, I forgive you, but for the record I have a very confused erection right now.”
“Except that thing you just said which doesn’t sound boring!” Pinkie grinned mischievously. “Sex later, vengeance now.”
“My erection is far less confused,” Dan declared as he and Pinkie began taking turns dumping gas on the various stands about them.
Before someone could say, ‘Hey! Stop pouring gasoline all over that organic produce!’ Dan and Pinkie had finished dousing the entire store section in gas.
“Hey!” A man who was clearly more wrinkles and age held together by his grocery store uniform than person at this point called out. “Stop pouring gasoline all over that organic produce!”
“Too late, heretic!” Dan sneered as he produced his trusty golden zippo lighter with its eagle engraving.
“Now hold on there, sonny!” The old man exclaimed.
Dan frowned. “Are you talking to me or your soul as it clings to the husk that’s your body?”
“Dan! Stop making fun of the elderly!” Pinkie chastised. “They’re the pugs of mankind!”
The old man pointed upwards towards a black bulbous protrusion in the ceiling. “Look, we have you on camera. If you light that gas, there’s going to be big consequences!”
“Hah!” Dan cried derisively. “If you think we’re concerned with lawful repercussions of our actions, do I have unfortunate news for you!”
“Dan, wait!” Pinkie implored.
Dan turned at Pinkie with a glare. “Don’t tell me you’re actually scared here!”
Pinkie shook her head. “No! But I was the one who screamed at the sky and made the words appear.”
“Oh… uh… Okay, that’s fair,” Dan said as he handed over the lighter.
“Now, wait justa—”
“I’m sorry, Grandpa!” Pinkie said to the old man. “We’ll be done before the grim reaper shows up to collect your haggard soul, I promise!”
The elderly employee gave Pinkie the great grand-daddy of dirty looks as Pinkie pulled out a device slightly longer and thicker than a pen. “Elise gave me this thing for just such a situation.”
Dan looked at the device quizzically. “Is… is that a memory altering device a la Men and Black?!”
Pinkie shook her head. “Nopers! Elise specifically said that if she gave one of those to me, that you’d end up with it and probably use it to take over the world because your favorite show got co-opted by a baseball game going overtime!”
Dan thought for a moment. “Well… she’s not wrong…”
“Like… she specifically told me that… without prompt or waiting to figure out if I even had any frame of reference for that movie!”
“I get it!” Dan snapped.
Pinkie smiled at Dan. “If it makes you feel better, I almost performed the entire Men In Black rap and dance for Elise until she said she was coming down with a case of the ‘Jiggies’ and begged me to stop!”
Dan smiled back. “That is some comfort! Thank you! So, what’s that thing do?!” Dan said as he leaned in to closer examine the ‘pen’.”
“Oooo!” Pinkie clicked a button on the top of it causing the lights in the grocery store to flicker. “It knocks out most basic surveillance systems and even wrecks recently recorded stuff! Ain’t Elise the best?”
Dan sighed. “Well… she can be convenient… from time to time…” he admitted begrudgingly.
Pinkie nodded. “Yeppers! You never know when you’ll need a convenient device to ignore pesky semi real-world problems that would make it harder to write a comedy full of unlawful property damage!”
“… What?” Dan said.
“What?” Pinkie replied as she quickly ran her thumb down the wheel of the lighter causing a small flame. The air practically exploded in fire sending the three people next to the produce section towards the ground moments before alarms went off and water rained from sprinklers above.
Dan coughed, pulled his face out of a bunch of half-pulped apples which had turned his face white and rolled onto his back as the water from above forced his hair wet and flat against his scalp. He let out a startled “Ghah!” as he took note of all the ‘on fire’ his right pant leg was and swatted at it crying “Fire bad!” until it went out. That done, he immediately began to look around. “Pinkie?!”
“I’m oookaaay~!” Pinkie warbled as she walked over, her singed curls blown straight back on her head with a swirled line of pink snaking its way from the front of her head to the back. “Like you, the blast just hit me with a hilarious site gag!” She leaned down and extended her hand, helping him to his feet as the water washed away apple and soot alike.
“Guess we’ll have to do this the old-fashioned way!”
“Oh, right!” Pinkie exclaimed as she looked over at the soaking wet old man. “He’s a thing!”
Dan snickered. “Like… old, old, or ‘I was there at the signing of the Magna Carta’ old!”
With that, the old man hooked his fingers into the center of his buttoned-up shirt and pulled. The shirt was half ripped open sending the odd button here and there, revealing a lean chest covered in grey hairs.
“Gha! We miscalculated!” Dan exclaimed. “He looks to be almost as strong as a regular adult!”
Pinkie pointed in the direction of a small, four-wheeled red scooter with a grey high-backed chair. “Quick, to that conveniently unattended motorized escape vehicle!” she exclaimed as she rushed over to the vehicle and sat down.
Dan followed, sitting in Pinkie’s lap as he quickly started the scouter which wheezed to life.
“Hey! Bring that back!” The old man cried as he started a winded pursuit. “That Rascal’s for the differently abled and overweight people who’ve given up on life!”
“You’ll never catch us alive!” Dan shouted as he and Pinkie took off into the grocery mart parking lot. “Because I expect your heart will give out long before that!”
Grumbling to himself, the old man glanced over at another Rascal, clambered onto it, and started the device.
And the chase was on.
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I honestly have no idea what just happened, and I love it!
Loved the meta commentary.
Also, did you get my latest PM?
9097745
Yes! Sorry, I haven't replied. Allergies started hitting a bit the last few weeks so I've been slowing down on the writing a bit. Short answer to the thing is the next arc will definitely be a bit less Elle focused, but I can certainly look closer at her backstory in future installments.
9097750
Ah.
I asked because I figured this arc would end with an epilogue chapter where Pinkie and Dan introduced their future daughter to Pinkie's pony friends via mirror, and Discord would want to meet her.
You know, it's people like you that remind me that I can still laugh in life! Thanks!
9097757
I LIKE THIS PLAN!!!!!Says 90% of the fandom.
The ever faithful why-boner!
Did you know that mobility scooters can hit 12 mph, and the speed limit in most parking fields is between 5 and 10 mph?
Flowers or Tractors, which look better on the speed cameras?
I am Groot.
You know the comedy you're reading is a good one when you reach a point involving a burning grocer and a "high speed" rascal chase in the parking lot.
Well done author! Glad to see this back.
~Dollars
....
Close enough.
And meanwhile, in Equestria, Applejack suddenly fell over and started having a seizure from the feeling that an apple was being abused somewhere.
Laughter... I remember what this was like.
"Memories light the corner of my miiiiind... misty water-colored memories of the way we were..."
Tom being flattened by a piano... Moe poking Curly in the eyes... Yosemite Sam being shot repeatedly by cannons... so many moments before I became the evil mad scientist on the South Jersey Shore...
Again, I must state that GMOs, like all science, can be dangerous if you're an idiot. There was this one time when people genetically engineered a type of red rice to grow fast enough for three harvests but since it was the primary source of dietary iron which was spread out over a larger volume due to growth rate, women kept dying because they couldn't replace lost period blood. GMOs are awesome and can be useful but saying they're not dangerous is inaccurate, especially since testing requirements are pretty lax.
I am SO looking up R34 for this ship later...
The return of the why boner
WITH A VENGEANCE!