• Published 11th Apr 2014
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The life and times of Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magic User. - Ssendam the Masked

Due to how annoying it is to be defeated, an affably evil lich decides to give up the evil business and just wile his days away doing absolutely nothing. The good guys don't really see this.

  • ...

Screw being evil

I stretched in my chambers, revelling in the cold which barely affected me now. Now that I was up, it was time for my main pastime- playing chess against myself for fun. It didn't really work that well- I'd just put myself in stalemate again before I'd detected the presence of some misguided 'heroes,' who'd probably make even MORE of a mess for me to clean up. After that, I'd done as any sensible villain would do and popped every single ward in the place, scried them out and dropped a remote ice-meteorite on their heads. What? Were you expecting a fair fight? Aw hell no. The last time I entered a fair fight, I... well, I won with ridiculous ease, but there's something both sophisticated and casual about dropping two tonnes of ice onto your heroic enemies.

For all the stress that we put on heroes, all they've done for ME is make a huge mess, slaughter my minions so that I have to resurect them AGAIN, make a big speech about how they're going to defeat me once and for all and attack me. The 'fight' and I use the word lightly, tends to go in one of two ways: either they get frozen to death and then turned into one of my new legion of minions, or get dragged into Tartarus. Honestly. Do you have any IDEA how hard it is to summon a Gate of Tartarus underneath a hero's feet? Trust me when I say it's hard. The point is, being evil is an all-day, every-day job, while the good guys can go have some 'downtime-' bah, who am I kidding. They go off whoring and fishing, and all this time I'm just making new and improved plans to take over.

While watching, I noticed that the white one has melted my gigantic ice meteorite, only to discover that my freezing cold hallway had now almost instantly refrozen the water around her legs, leaving only her head above freezing cold ice. Must be a fire magician. Been a while since I fought one of those. Well, time to deal with this latest annoying threat. I got up out of my dread black ice chair, gripped my long black staff tighter, and started focusing. I turned every level surface coming at me into an icy spike pit, added some extra wards, and just to annoy them even more, I cast several Immutable Cubes in the various pathways leading to me. Now, the only way to get into my chamber was the huge door with enough wards on it to fortify my castle.

I then wandered through my sanctum, freezing walls around me in a complex maze leading from the door. Taking the time to install anti-fire wards into the maze, I smirked. Now, I had both an effective defence against them simply teleporting into my heavily warded sanctum, and I also had a maze through which they'd have to navigate if they wanted to find me. Truly, being a villain was a hard, but ultimately rewarding life.

5 hours later...

I was just pouring myself my third mug of tea when I heard my door being knocked down and my ice maze being melted. Huh, usually most heroes take at least a day to reach this part of my inner sanctum. I regripped my staff, and got up, mug of tea now fully prepared. As a man who loves his coffee, tea was a barely acceptable substitute. Plus, if I was alive it'd pass through me with ridiculous ease. "Some people would have knocked," I commented drily.

The mare in front of me was wearing a simple suit of heavy golden plate armour, with her head exposed. Looking at her fairly impressive chest, I was reminded that blacksmiths had a dirty sense of humour, with their 'BREASTplates.' On her back was a large, round shield. Her mane flowed gently around her head, which I noted looked vaguely like the solar wind. How very interesting. She glared at me with a fiery hatred that I'd never really seen before.

"I have been navigating thy ice maze for FIVE HOURS! I feel that you cannot complain about my rage." The white mare snorted, horn glowing brightly and wings flared. Wait, wings?
"May I ask about your wings? I'm just curious," I added hastily, in case it's rude to ask a lady about their wings.
"Most ponies who come this way are either pegasi or unicorns, with a smattering of earth ponies for good measure."
She glared at me. "Foul lich, I am an alicorn, one of they who are immortal! In my being is each and every positive trait of the three pony races."
I looked at her. The mare in front of me was sopping wet, slightly burnt in places, limping a bit, and her hair was cut in several irregular places. She was clearly not invulnerable to harm then. I set my mug down.
"Oh, where are my manners. Will you take a cup of tea with me?" I felt that it was only proper to offer a lady some refreshment.

For answer, she sent a blast of searing hot plasma disintegrated my teapot. I sifted through the ashes morosely. It had been a good teapot and I would miss it dearly.
"That was a genuine Neighponese teapot. It's going to cost quite a lot to replace, you know." It actually would- I'd bought that teapot for quite a large sum of money. The white mare kept her distance, watching me like a cat.
"We will not sup from thine poisoned chalice!"
I rolled my glowing rainbow orbs. Apparently, my magic was naturally a fabulous rainbow colour, thus explaining my unusual eyes.
"If you actually make it into my inner sanctum, then there's no point in poisoning you. I will at least show you that small amount of respect." While I was talking, I stealthily started building up a magical charge in my staff. I paused briefly when I heard the very, very slight sound of something flying as quietly as they could.

Mentally, I applauded the white one, acting like a decoy to distract me from an attack from behind. With a wave of my staff, I summoned one of my favourite spells- the Aurora Missiles. A self-invented spell, seven missiles of different colours surrounded me, ready to attack anything that ever got too close to me. I grinned, and immediately the white mare in front of me was on edge.
"I applaud your forward thinking, but I have an improved sense of hearing and smell, thanks to being a lich. Now," my missiles shot behind me, impacting with my attacker who reacted by hastily diving out of the way, "let's have a nice little chat."

The dark blue sister knealt at her sisters' hooves. Her armour was made of toughened leather and chain-mail, with a hood that almost obscured her flowing blue mane, dotted with stars. So, a Ranger/Mage then. From where I was standing, she had the perfect 'small girl/ lolita' figure- slim, without much in the breast/butt department. "I apologise, sister, I was sure that he would not hear my approach."
Ms White Mare smiled gently. "Worry not, Luna." Her eyes hardened. "This lich is exposed now. Together, the Baron of the Frozen Wastelands shall be defeated."

I snorted. "If you're going to be defeating me, then I shall give you the full list of titles you must use, in order to record my presence in the history books." I took a deep breath in for effect.

"I am Xante, Baron of the Frozen Wastelands, First among Liches, Lord of the Dead, and Fabulous Rainbow Magician."What can I say? I've always loved having a long string of titles after my name.
With that, I slammed my staff on the ground, and they took to the skies as the entire floor of my sanctum turned into a spiked pit. My rainbow coloured aura flared around me, going well with my simple black robe and hat. I raised my staff, and they in turn readied their weapons- a gigantic warhammer for the white mare, and a pair of cutlasses for the blue one.

I attacked first by collapsing the roof, fracturing the bonds of ice that held it all together. It's a valid attack strategy, and my aim was to overwhelm them with pure brute force befor they could unleash their trump cards. They responded with teleporting. With another wave of my staff, I was surrounded by rainbow light, and I reappeared outside my rather battered inner sanctum. The white mare's hammer swung at me, and I responded with one of my favourite spells:
A huge wall of rainbow coloured ice shot towards them. Poor white one tried to melt it, but there was simply too much ice to melt quickly. The blue one gripped her cutlasses, and cut through it with a dark coloured blast. Ah, shadow magic, I haven't seen that in a while. I grinned.
"You fell for my trap. GLACIER SLAM!" I slammed my staff down, and the two halves of the glacier slammed back together, with the dark blue mare attempting to hold them from crushing her. The white one, obviously incensed by my casual trap, melted it all with a gigantic blast of molten plasma. She then turned to me. "Where is your ice now?"

I hummed. "Summon Windigo." My staff flared blue, and a Windigo appeared as a distraction. While they were busy defeating it, I was charging up more magic. When they were finally done, I smirked.
"Blizzard." A blizzard sprung up around us. I watched as they struggled to navigate, to manipulate the angry weather. No luck; this weather was MINE to control. While they were blundering about, I focused, summoning the Aurora Missiles again.

Just in time too, for they managed to hit ANOTHER sneak attack, this time from the white one. I smirked as she was sent hurtling back.
"It's rude to try to attack from behind."
She glared at me. "I wasn't really attacking you." My mind went into overdrive at that simple sentence.
How smart of her, acting as the meatshield. Now, I can't summon another set of missiles for a while. Damn you, cooldowns!
I turned around smartly to block the inevitable REAL attack, but I was unable to block the wave of shadows that came at me. Unfortunately for them, however, I had enough ice near me to do my favourite trick.

Celestia sighed. At last, the annoying lich had been... wait.
Rather than his broken body, there was only a large pile of ice there.
"Unfortunately for you, I won't be beaten that easily." She turned around at the sight of the lich patiently waiting.
"Why didn't you attack me from behind?"
"Because I want this fight to be honourable." With a wave of his staff, the seven projectiles phased into existence. Luna growled. They were beginning to really, REALLY hate that spell.

I grinned as they readied their weapons yet again. This fight was actually going to be interesting for a change. I was being forced to use every single spell in my arsenal in order to fight them. They were actually pushing me to my limits, and that both scared and excited me.

I focused on all of my power, calling my subjects. A hoard of undead flooded out of my castle, assembling with weapons raised, ready to kick living ass. In response, the two alicorns flared their power, and a large army, made up of ponies dressed in golden and dark grey armour assembled. I grinned. Things had just gotten interesting.
"Give up, Zante! You cannot win against the might of Equestria!" My undead blood boiled.
"...did you say my name with a 'Z' instead of an 'X?' Don't deny it, I know." It's always easy to know when somebody mispronounces your name. With that, I knew that I would never live it down. I looked over my army.
"It matters not, Xante! Lay down your weapon!"
I grinned, taking a defensive stance. "Hey, ALICORNS!"
"COME AND GET IT!" With that, our armies clashed, while we continued our fight.

1005 years later...

"You put the lime in the coconut and you drink them both up, you put the lime in the coconut and you drink them both up, you put the lime in the coconut and your drink them both up..." I sang, to wile away the time. It had been a thousand years since my defeat in my own castle, and I was feeling pretty bored. I was surrounded with black, shadowy flames, that prevented me from moving or attempting to escape. Around those flames, there were three Immutable Cubes, a highly advanced Space-Time spell that denied escape for eternity. At least, they were supposed to. I'd been steadily spreading my magic over the flames, and now my magic was in the very spell matrix. At this rate, I'd be out within the next two days. While I watched the spell matrix slowly crumble, I reflected on my change in situation...

1,100 years ago...

I sat on my throne, idly scrying on the intrepid heroes navigating my dungeon. They were going to be quite a while; I'd specifically designed my dungeon to be both FABULOUS and to kill as many heroes as I could. Honestly, I could understand why they had to do it- some old man in a pub told them that I was a lich, and the specialised lump of nerve tissue that is a hero's mind assigned 'lich' to the same position as 'dragon,' 'annoying old man,' and 'gnoll:' KILL ON SIGHT. Still, my dungeons were designed to be satanically difficult to navigate even for the most experienced wizard.

I turned my head as they wandered into my inner chamber. The leader, a large, muscular man with a thick black beard, held aloft an obviously enchanted sword. I yawned, in preperation for a speech I've heard so many times with so few differences, that I could recite it backwards and in six languages. "At last, foul lich! We have navigated your cursed castle, defeated your minions of darkness, and now you face your- AAAAAARGH!" Why did he say that? Well, it might have been because I'd gotten bored with his ramblings and had used the time to open a Portal to Tartarus underneath his entire group's feet. Well, it would serve as a most fitting execution. Now, back to business.

You see, when one is an arch lich and has had all the time in the universe to work on fundamental problems, you quickly discover that eternal life is BORING, but you don't want to give it up quite yet. I stretched in my magnificent elvish black robes. So, I got creative. With a wave of my hand, a portal to another world opened. Just a viewing portal, for I was bored out of my skull. With enough time on my hands, I'd discovered another world, which was entirely inhabited by humans. Strange, I know. What else was interesting was that that they often dressed up as creatures from my world. Plus, some of the things they did were amazing. Like anime and their films. I had to admit, I loved these humans and their intellect. A lack of magic had forced them to build and improvise machines that could do what any mage could.

Even though I was loath to leave my comfy castle (I'd just gotten everything as I wanted it to be, thank you very much) I could still watch the most amazing shows. Currently, I was watching a human dressed up as a knight wrest a staff away from another human and slam it on the ground, disappearing. My laughter stopped and I rubbed my eyes. Wait, what? This was a world without magic, I knew this. And yet, this man had clearly disappeared. I frowned. Such an ocurrence had to be a coincidence, right? I wasn't too sure.

Whatever the case, something had to be done. I focused, and with more power, the portal solidified. With no small amount of trepidation, I stepped through the portal, staff clutched in hand. This wasn't my first time ever travelling through the multiverse, but it never hurt to be careful. There's a good reason why this spell is an epic level one- give it to an amateur magician, and they'll probably kill themselves attempting it. Even for somebody like me, immortal as long as my philactery was not destroyed, was leery of these portals. When I reappeared, the weather was swelteringly hot. I stomped through the hoards of humans, to the stall owner. He looked at me and his eyes widened. "Oh, shit."

I grinned pleasantly. "Hello there." My voice caused chills in those who listened. I leant in closer.
"What was with that staff you gave that poor fellow in armour?" He watched me, and I could see that his form was shifting underneath an illusion. He sagged.

"Look, Mr Epic Level Lich, I don't need you coming in here and messing up my business." The human with blue wings watched our exchange with slightly glazed eyes, and seemed ready to scream. With a wave of my hand, I cast Suggestion over the whole mass.

"Forget. Go about your business as if we are not here." The humans shook it off and wandered off. I turned back to the mysterious being and gripped him by the throat.
"What are you thinking, introducing a world like this to magic? Where do your artifacts even lead to?" He answered.

"I'm sending them to another universe, to sow chaos and disorder for fun. These humans are so devious." The stallkeeper looked out.

"It's only in these Earths that you see this kind of genius. Such viciousness, such bile and hatred, it's almost unique. And they've got the brains to back it up. Want to see, Lich?" He glowed with a red light. I tried to let go, but he gripped my arm with an appendage.
"I wish you the best of luck." With that, the portal opened and I was sent hurtling through yet again.

Present Day

As my prison dissipated, I'd been thinking a lot, and one thing that I knew was: Screw being evil. All it ever earned me was a huge mess that I'd hae to clean up. With that in mind, I turned to the Rainbow Ice Castle, my FABULOUS stronghold of undeath and icy, fabulous doom. It was looking alright, considering that it'd been a thousand years. Focusing my power, I sent rainbow light all over the frozen over battlefield, ressurecting my undead soldiers. They came shambling up to me, the ice still encrusting their bodies. I was back in control.