The Ultimate Battle to the Death

by AshBree

The Utimate Battle to the Death

A screaming white filly ran down the corridor of their home. She had to escape... she had to run... she had to save herself ...

"What's going on, sweetie?" her sister, Rarity, asked.

"You have to help me!" Sweetie Belle said. "Diamond Tiara is trying to kill me with-"

She was cut off by a pillow to the face. Rarity looked up in confusion, only to be hit as well. Rarity got up and stared angrily at Diamond Tiara. Sweetie Belle's eyes grew wide when Rarity opened her mouth to speak.

"OH."

Oh dear.

"IT."

Oh dear god.

"IS."

Oh dear god no.

"ON!"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

Diamond Tiara face planted when she took two pillows to the back of the head. Rarity smiled evilly, only to find a small pillow had been lobbed into her mouth. She took a moment to spit it out before being knocked over by three pillows to the chest. Her horn started glowing, and thirty-six odd pillows were surrounded by a blue aura. One by one, they levitated.

Now it was Diamond Tiara's turn to run.

As Diamond Tiara's legs moved, a horrid maniacal laugh reverberated around the property. She looked back to see Rarity chasing her, still holding her wall of pillows. DT almost tripped when three pillows hit her on the back of her head. A stitch was growing in her side. She could hear Sweetie Belle laughing in the distance. DT ran into the guest room and slammed the door shut. She took the key out of her pocket and locked the door. Suddenly, she heard a scratching noise.

They were picking the lock.

She had to get out fast. She went into the bathroom and looked around. There was a vent in the ceiling. It probably led to the main bathroom. From there, she could escape.

She pushed the bed against the door. That wouldn’t stop Rarity for long but it would give DT more time to escape. She stood up on her hind legs and climbed into the vent, closing it behind her. She crawled until there was another vent opening. She pulled it back and hopped down into a brightly lit room.

The main bathroom. Just as she had planned.

She devised this plan:

She heard scraping noises. Rarity must have picked the lock and was now trying to push the bed out of the way.

Silently, DT left the room and tiptoed down the hallway. She reached the vent, then quietly crawled into it. Up the slope, round two corners… The end was in her sights. Slowly, she crawled to the other vent, and waited for a loud crash to cover the noise of her opening the vent. Once out, she walked briskly to the guest room door and locked it. There was a loud “That is sooo not fair!” then the previous scratching started again.

She had three minutes.

She ran to the kitchen and took the keys, then proceeded to try them. “No, not that one, not that one, not that one, not that one, not that one…” She continued for two minutes. “Not that one, meaning it must be - ”

A loud click startled her. She turned to see the door to the guest room opening. It revealed an angry-looking Rarity and an angry-looking Sweetie Belle.

Sweetie Belle stepped forward and repeatedly smothered DT with pillows.

“SWEETIE BELLE!” exclaimed an amazed Rarity.

Sweetie Turned to Rarity with a bewildered look on her face.

“You ... you used your magic!”

“Did I? Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!” Sweetie Belle jumped up and down.

DT lay back, exhausted, and gave a deep groan. She looked up. “You seem to have defeated me. Well done. You are now the queens of pillow fighting,” she conceded groggily.

This was preceded by another long joyful exclamation from Sweetie Belle.

“Could you stop shouting? My eardrums are ringing,” DT said in a dazed manner. The shouting and squeeing stopped. “Thank you. Now could you help me up?”

As Sweetie Belle helped her up, she asked, “Can we do this again?”

“How about right now?” Rarity said, sending a pillow whizzing in her direction.

Diamond caught it. “Perfect.”

Brilliant. They were having another pillow fight.

But, she thought, this time, I am armed.

She twirled, and sent her pillow embedding its soft hide deep into Rarity’s face.

Rarity tried to do the same, but DT hopped out of the way, causing Rarity to misfire and hit herself in the back of the head.

Sweetie Belle tried to catch her from behind, but she whirled round to strike Sweetie Belle in the chest. Sweetie Belle tumbled forwards, but quickly scrambled back up again.

DT then noticed that Rarity was ready for action. She flipped over backwards in a balletic move, and collided with Rarity’s hind legs. Rarity went down like a bullet. Even so, Rarity struggled to her feet and brought her pillow crashing down on DT’s head. Gracefully, DT recovered and threw her pillow at Rarity. Rarity doubled back, only to trip on a discarded pillow. She picked it up and sent it sailing into DT’s head. DT leaped back up and opened fire upon Rarity.

Rarity could not escape.

No one could escape the dreaded pillow-cannon!

A repeated barrage of pillows bombarded Rarity as she scuttled into the bathroom and slammed the door. For a moment, there was silence. Then, slowly, the door opened. Rarity lobbed a pillow through the crack at her. DT ducked, retreating to the guest room, then threw a pillow at Rarity as she readied another missile.

Leaping out, she ran full speed at the half open bathroom door. As she blew the door not-so-much off its hinges, Rarity hurtled back out. DT followed and started to restore the pillow cannon, only to have a pillow thrown at her head. Feathers cascaded about them as the pillow side seam split dramatically. She ducked in a soft white rain of feathers only to take another to the chest. Breathless, she was sent reeling, but bounced back to attack position.

The Pillow Cannon 3000 restarted itself, pulsing out an extremely strong barrage of pillows.

Rarity collapsed almost instantly.

“Aha! Now I have defeated you!" Diamond Tiara exclaimed in triumph. "Mwahahahaahahahaaha - ”

She was interrupted by a strong wall of pillows knocking her down.

“Nah. I’ve defeated you!” triumphed Sweetie Belle, whisking her tail.

Both Rarity and DT groaned.

Here ends the Ultimate Battle to the Death, a tale for all the ages.

Author's Note:

Hi! This is my first fic, please follow me.
P.S. don't complain to me saying that ponies do not have pockets, they do. Link:
http://youtu.be/zHzidpXIjSo?t=10m7s
and anyway, It just makes things easier.
This isn't canon with my soon-to-come-into-existence series set in the AutisticDTverse (my own creation).
You can learn more when the ADTverse comes into existence.
~DiscordialDestruction~

Comments

[Mattricole]

Pretty decent fic ya got here, but what I love most is that diagram of yours. That sir, is impressive.

[SolidBlackPanda]

Not bad. I enjoyed it.

[EnderKyle]

This was a funny read +1 like

[AshBree]

Tank u.
I hope u like the idea of the AutisticDTUverse.

[AshBree]

4071838 I did it myself.

[AshBree]

4074031 Tanks.
Have several moustaches

[EnderKyle]

4095694 Thank you, and you can have some pie *Puts "OVER 9000!!!!!!!!" pies in the mail* :3

[AshBree]

4096180
Over 9000!!!
*MY COMPUTER EXPLODES IN A BLAZE OF FURY*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
My day could only get worse if my brother hits me over the head with a baseball ba-
*MORRIS HITS ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT*
Me and my big virtual gob.

[EnderKyle]

4096730 *Gives very low-tech phone* CLOSE ENOUGH TO A COMPUTER!

*Gives small sheet of paper* CLOSE ENOUGH TO A BANDAGE!

[AshBree]

4096737
Dont worry, I have a slow as hell old cluttered VAIO I can use.

[AshBree]

4096754
My Exel for Dummies just fell over to reveal:
How to FIX YOUR COMPUTER AFTER AN OVER 9000 INCIDENT for Dummies.
THAT'll definately be useful.

[MagerBlutooth]

The standard format for a story is to give it a beginning, middle, and end. The beginning establishes the premise, the middle works through the conflict, and the end provides the conclusion. According to this format, this is actually two stories combined into one, and it would seem that neither of them actually involve any death.

Your premise is a simple one: Diamond is invited to a sleepover at Sweetie Belle's, and they get into a pillow fight. Diamond hits Rarity with a pillow, and Rarity gets involved. Chaos ensues, and the result is basically what one would expect. That is, until the second story begins. After Diamond admits defeat and awards Rarity and Sweetie Belle the title of "Queens of Pillow Fighting", a new Diamond Tiara takes her place and they start over. Since this new Diamond Tiara has no fear of Rarity's pillow throwing, she is able to easily defeat Rarity without the thought of running away even crossing her mind. And then Sweetie Belle wins thanks to learning magic through some unexplained means.

The key to a simple story is to keep things simple and avoid making it too confusing. The events of these two stories create a few too many questions given the story's length. Why are Sweetie Belle and Rarity angry at Diamond for running away during a pillow fight? Why is Sweetie Belle afraid of Rarity joining the pillow fight if she's on her side? Why does Diamond Tiara have a detailed understanding of the ventilation system of Rarity's house? Has she been there before? Why does Rarity need to pick the lock of a door in her own house? Doesn't she have her own key in case of emergencies? And, of course, why does Diamond run away from Rarity at first only to fearlessly hold her ground later on?

Concerning your writing style, I'd suggest watching your point of view. When you're describing a scene, it's best to only view it from one character's perspective throughout unless you plan to have an omniscient narrator. When you change from Sweetie Belle's POV to Diamond's, you run the risk of throwing the reader out of the moment and forcing him to reorient himself to the new perspective.

Your spelling and grammar hold up pretty well, to be honest. There's a few minor hiccups here and there, but I'd say you did an above average job in that area. Overall, this was a good start to your story-writing career. For now, I'd suggest working on your style, coherence, and structure if you're looking to improve your writing. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

I'd call this story a mini-pretzel dog. It's small, but it's also pretty elaborate given its size, and it's actually two food items in one.

Make the most!

[AshBree]

4162122
Ummm... this is a COMIC STORY! IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SEREOUSLY!
THE TITLE IS SARCASM!
...
...
Thanks for the advice though...

[MagerBlutooth]

4166842
Now don't say that. All stories need to be taken seriously to some degree, especially by the author. Otherwise, there will be no passion involved, and the story will lose all significance. Comedy's one of the hardest genres to write period. In order to be successful with it, you have to take it seriously most of all.

[AshBree]

4166896

I know that it has been a long while since I wrote this, but looking back, I was rather harsh on your constructive criticism, whereas what I should have done is heeded your advice and thanked you. What I actually did was completely ignore your advice and tried to write comedy in my own style. If I had listened then, I might be a better writer now and I might have had a better appreciation for my own work. I now find that nothing you said was in any way incorrect or illogical, and that my old writing style makes me cringe in embarrassment. I am sure you can't have been that offended by my insensitivity, but I apologise anyways. I shall give you some mustaches (if that is still a thing?) And inform you that I shall revise my writing style in accordance to your very good advice, which I hope shall help me as I do my GCSEs.

Thank you for your feedback.

[MagerBlutooth]

7624911

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm glad that you were able to get something out of my criticism. One of the benefits of examining a shorter story is that there are fewer elements to analyze, allowing for greater elaboration on the most noteworthy issues. Keep working on finding what style works best for you, and always keep an open mind when looking for new ways to improve. Do your research, develop your skills, refine your technique, and soon enough you'll be finding issues in the writing of other authors. Take care!