Rarity wants to breach the gap between Diamond Tiara and Sweetie Belle...
so she invites DT round for a sleepover.
A battle to the very pillowy death ensues.
Warning: This story was literally written 3 years ago. You don't want to read this! What I'm really trying to say is, this story is very badly written. I only keep it around for perspective. Read at own risk of: Stroke induced by terrible writing, Heart attack induced by stress induced by terrible writing.
EDIT: Now even older than three years. Reading may be fatal.
Chapters (1)
Pretty decent fic ya got here, but what I love most is that diagram of yours. That sir, is impressive.
Not bad. I enjoyed it.
This was a funny read +1 like
Tank u.
I hope u like the idea of the AutisticDTUverse.
4071838 I did it myself.
4074031 Tanks.
Have several moustaches
4095694 Thank you, and you can have some pie *Puts "OVER 9000!!!!!!!!" pies in the mail* :3
4096180
Over 9000!!!
*MY COMPUTER EXPLODES IN A BLAZE OF FURY*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--
My day could only get worse if my brother hits me over the head with a baseball ba-
*MORRIS HITS ME OVER THE HEAD WITH A BASEBALL BAT*
Me and my big virtual gob.
4096730 *Gives very low-tech phone* CLOSE ENOUGH TO A COMPUTER!
*Gives small sheet of paper* CLOSE ENOUGH TO A BANDAGE!
4096737
Dont worry, I have a slow as hell old cluttered VAIO I can use.
4096754
My Exel for Dummies just fell over to reveal:
How to FIX YOUR COMPUTER AFTER AN OVER 9000 INCIDENT for Dummies.
THAT'll definately be useful.
The standard format for a story is to give it a beginning, middle, and end. The beginning establishes the premise, the middle works through the conflict, and the end provides the conclusion. According to this format, this is actually two stories combined into one, and it would seem that neither of them actually involve any death.
Your premise is a simple one: Diamond is invited to a sleepover at Sweetie Belle's, and they get into a pillow fight. Diamond hits Rarity with a pillow, and Rarity gets involved. Chaos ensues, and the result is basically what one would expect. That is, until the second story begins. After Diamond admits defeat and awards Rarity and Sweetie Belle the title of "Queens of Pillow Fighting", a new Diamond Tiara takes her place and they start over. Since this new Diamond Tiara has no fear of Rarity's pillow throwing, she is able to easily defeat Rarity without the thought of running away even crossing her mind. And then Sweetie Belle wins thanks to learning magic through some unexplained means.
The key to a simple story is to keep things simple and avoid making it too confusing. The events of these two stories create a few too many questions given the story's length. Why are Sweetie Belle and Rarity angry at Diamond for running away during a pillow fight? Why is Sweetie Belle afraid of Rarity joining the pillow fight if she's on her side? Why does Diamond Tiara have a detailed understanding of the ventilation system of Rarity's house? Has she been there before? Why does Rarity need to pick the lock of a door in her own house? Doesn't she have her own key in case of emergencies? And, of course, why does Diamond run away from Rarity at first only to fearlessly hold her ground later on?
Concerning your writing style, I'd suggest watching your point of view. When you're describing a scene, it's best to only view it from one character's perspective throughout unless you plan to have an omniscient narrator. When you change from Sweetie Belle's POV to Diamond's, you run the risk of throwing the reader out of the moment and forcing him to reorient himself to the new perspective.
Your spelling and grammar hold up pretty well, to be honest. There's a few minor hiccups here and there, but I'd say you did an above average job in that area. Overall, this was a good start to your story-writing career. For now, I'd suggest working on your style, coherence, and structure if you're looking to improve your writing. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.
I'd call this story a mini-pretzel dog. It's small, but it's also pretty elaborate given its size, and it's actually two food items in one.
Make the most!
4162122
Ummm... this is a COMIC STORY! IT IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SEREOUSLY!
THE TITLE IS SARCASM!
...
...
Thanks for the advice though...
4166842
Now don't say that. All stories need to be taken seriously to some degree, especially by the author. Otherwise, there will be no passion involved, and the story will lose all significance. Comedy's one of the hardest genres to write period. In order to be successful with it, you have to take it seriously most of all.
4166896
I know that it has been a long while since I wrote this, but looking back, I was rather harsh on your constructive criticism, whereas what I should have done is heeded your advice and thanked you. What I actually did was completely ignore your advice and tried to write comedy in my own style. If I had listened then, I might be a better writer now and I might have had a better appreciation for my own work. I now find that nothing you said was in any way incorrect or illogical, and that my old writing style makes me cringe in embarrassment. I am sure you can't have been that offended by my insensitivity, but I apologise anyways. I shall give you some mustaches (if that is still a thing?) And inform you that I shall revise my writing style in accordance to your very good advice, which I hope shall help me as I do my GCSEs.
Thank you for your feedback.
7624911
Thanks for getting back to me. I'm glad that you were able to get something out of my criticism. One of the benefits of examining a shorter story is that there are fewer elements to analyze, allowing for greater elaboration on the most noteworthy issues. Keep working on finding what style works best for you, and always keep an open mind when looking for new ways to improve. Do your research, develop your skills, refine your technique, and soon enough you'll be finding issues in the writing of other authors. Take care!