hippiebabsseed
Joined 28th Jan, 2014 ·
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I really had fun with this one. So nice to RP an alt reality where Master Rich accepted Silver Spoon's love for her mistress, Diamond Tiara and even supported their pairing.
i like this Filthy Riche
Next time I'm in Boston and have time to, I'll head over to HBS and see about getting photos of the Freshman dorms for you so you can see if any of them match how you envision the Riche Dorms.
Nice story so far. The character interactions are pretty lovable. Great job you two. Great intro too, Silver is best servant.
Your proofreader needs a proofreader. Just in the description alone:
In just the first three paragraphs of the first chapter:
Also, do not mix past and present tense in a narrative. Pick one or the other and stick with it.
("Discrete" means "individual" or "separate". The word you want is "discreet", meaning prudent or circumspect. Also, the Rich family's name is not spelled with an "e" at the end.)
When dialogue is followed by an attribution of who said it and how, you treat the whole thing as a single sentence and end the quoted dialogue with a comma, not a period, then do not capitalize the first word outside the closing quote unless it's someone's name or the pronoun "I". (If the dialogue ends with ? or !, you use them as normal, but treat the attribution as part of the sentence and capitalize as above.)
It's a nice idea on the surface, but the spelling and grammar need some serious revision, I'm afraid.
3871554
Okay now you are just being nasty. Equestrian currency looks different duh cause it isn't American Dollars. all currencies have their own symbols. Instead of making one up for the bit.. whatever
AGAIN I spell the name of Diamond Tiara Riche The Third with a silent "E" on the end of the family name. In the show there are no family names. Diamond Dazzle Tiara is the daughter of Filthy Rich.
It's ALTERNATE UNIVERSE tagged for a reason.
There's no conflict.
3871819
First, there is nothing in the text to indicate that you're using "B$t" as a symbol for "bits".
Second -- in prose, you do not name currencies by typing the symbol alone, any more than you use single numbers in place of letters. So "multi-billion B$t" is still incorrect, as is writting "multi-billion $", "multi-billion £", or "multi-billion ¥".
So... his name is Filthy Rich Riche? Sorry, but it just looks wrong when you spell his name as "Filthy Rich" and everyone else in the family as "Riche." Pick one and be consistent.
(And what do you mean, "Again?" Am I supposed to have somehow known this personal quirk of yours by telepathy, or something?)
In any case, those two things are hardly the most serious grammatical problems in the text. There are a lot of misspelled words, grammatical errors, mis-punctuated and mis-capitalized dialogue attributions, past/present-tense confusion, and awkwardly-phrased sentences; the ones I cited were just a few examples.
Sorry, but anyone old enough to be reading and writing clop fiction should know how to punctuate a sentence correctly, know the difference between a past-tense and a present-tense verb, and know the difference between "rein" and "reign".
It doesn't matter how good your idea is, if the text is riddled with basic errors that make it difficult or painful to wade through.
3873641 This is just the intro, we are still introducing things into the Story universe. So of course there is no conflict yet.
3873700
Look, while I appreciate your attempts at helping me become a better writer (and most of the problems you are pointing out are mine) you are coming across as a Grammar Nazi and a prick. I would appreciate it if you can't enjoy the story because of such minor nitpicks that you just leave. 
I know, not reading something you don't like, what a concept?
3873700
no its just Fithy Riche and sorry two people wrote this. It's hard to keep it all consistent.
i don't know all the rules so I really have no use as a proofreader. we just both tried to catch the other's mistakes. if you don't like it oh well. sorry for wasting your time.
3874684 I figured as much. There's just very little reason for a reader to swim through the first chapter, excepting the obvious fetish thing... which I guess is enough for some people. To each their own, I suppose.