Kryna
By:N3rdyGir1Squar3d
Queen Chrysalis smiled down at her work she had just finished creating. "Hmm, what shall I call you?" she questioned towards her first magically created changeling.
The small filly like changeling started to wake up. Chrysalis realized that she had never named a changeling before,
besides herself of course. All changelings where hermaphrodite, that way they could change into both genders without that 'part' missing.Of course there were exceptions, like Chrysalis herself.But they always became royalty and named themselves later in life. Before then, they were called 'Royal' and then their number but sometimes they included gender too. Chrysalis was 'Royal 327' or 'Royal Female 106' but hated being called that. She came up with her name as soon as she was able to speak (Which is about 30 minutes after hatching, sense changelings hatch as adults).
Chrysalis then snapped out of her thoughts and looked down at the now awoken filly changeling. Chrysalis thought for a minute then said out loud, "Kryna, thats what I'll call you."
The second Kryna looked up at her mother, a look of pure anger washed over her face. "Hello mother" Kryna spat at the Queen that made her.
Startled Chrysalis stood up and stepped back thinking that she was just intimidated and was trying to make herself seem a lot more intimidating. Chrysalis immediately realized that she needed to show her dominance to her daughter. "You will NOT disrespect me daughter."
Kryna looked at her mother with a burning sense of hatred. "What did you make me to represent?" Kryna asked, surprisingly calm. "I made you to represent the elements of harmony" Chrysalis stated proudly. Kryna just looked at her mother with even more disgust than before.
"Why do you think i don't have holes in my hooves or hair? Holes show how corrupt the changeling is! Why do you think i don't have the same changeling skin that you have? I have pony like skin! Why do you think I don't have bug-like wings? I have normal wings! why do you thing I'm a filly? Changelings are born adults!"
Chrysalis stood there, not understanding what her daughter meant.
Kryna just continued,"The Elements of Harmony. Honesty which is why i'm going to tell you right now, ill NEVER think of you as a mother. Laughter, which is why i can tell what ponies feel, I do NOT feed on love, I can sense feelings like changelings though, so i know when someone needs a good laugh. Generosity which is why I can sense intentions, i can sense if somepony is just doing something nice only to get something back, or just to be nice. Magic, which is why my horn is not bent broken or have any other imperfections, why I can do more than just changeling magic, and why I know so much considering i was just created. Loyalty,---"
Chrysalis cut her off "YOU SHOULD BE LOYAL TO ME!" She practically screamed
Kryna just giggled, "Oh, well... Kindness and Loyalty kind of go together. Kindness, which is why I will NEVER be Loyal to you!" Kryna dashed towards the window and jumped out, flying towards ponyville, but not before shouting, "Seems that all we have in common is our eyes, colors, and the ability to do changeling magic!" Chrysalis could have sworn she also heard Kryna mumble,
"I'm more pony than changeling."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-PERSPECTIVE CHANGE-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Apple Bloom
"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER MYSTERIOUS EXPLOSION INVESTIGATORS!" Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and I said in unison, after seeing an odd explosion near the forest.
"Umm, girls, ah don't think that was an ordinary explosion" "Yeah! It was green and creepy looking!" Sweetie Belle added "Not to mention ah think it was shaped like a skull and cross-bones." I said shaking at the thought of what could have created an explosion like that.
"Aw, stop being such wimps!" Scootaloo said "I'm sure you just imagined that! All I saw was us getting out Cutie marks by investigating that mysterious explosion!"
"All right if you say s---" Sweetie Belle was cut off by what we all saw standing in front of us.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-PERSPECTIVE CHANGE-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Kryna
I was standing there, in front of 3 ponies, 3 young ponies, fillies! 'Crap' i thought to myself 'there goes my good first impression plan'
I noticed that hey were still standing there with their mouths open just staring at me.
"Umm... hi." I said quietly
"Hi! sorry for starin' but we've never seen ah filly alicorn before! We always thought you had ta earn it, not be born with it!" the red maned earth pony said, snapping out of her trance
"Huh?" I said, too quietly then they could hear.
"WOAH! YOUR ROYALTY?!" the purple maned pegasus asked with so much enthusiasm I stepped back
"Sorry she can be very, LOUD!" the white unicorn said having the last part directed at the pegasus.
"Ah am Apple Bloom, that's Scootaloo" she said pointing her hoof at the loud pegasus, "and that's Sweetie Bell" indicating the unicorn.
I stood there for a moment and said, after taking a deep breath, "Im Kryna"
"Well thats an unusual pony name, but your eyes are odd to---" Scootaloo started to say before Sweetie Belle kicked her in the leg
"OWWW" Scootaloo wined
"Sorry, seems she doesn't know manners, PRINCESS Kryna" Sweetie Belle said putting an emphasis on 'Princess'
"Oh, I'm not---" i started but then realized, I AM a princess, I AM royalty, I'll Just leave out that I'm a changeling princess. I realized I needed to have the rest of my sentence make sense.
"I'm not comfortable to be called Princess, just call me Kryna"
"Ok Kryna follow me! we gonna head to our Cutie Mark Crusader tree house and make you a cape!" at the mention of 'cutie mark' I looked at my bare flank and wondered, can I get a cutie mark?
"By the way, where are you princess from anyway?" Sweetie Bell asked.
'Crap'
Nice.
Spacing for your paragraphs, put a extra space between each paragraph and it makes it easier to read.
It is a little confusing to read, but does carry a good premise. I would suggest getting an editor, but I will keep an eye on this.
OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH! people actually like my fan-fiction!!! I expected it to be a crash and burn, i actually came up with the idea 2 minutes before i wrote it then edited it for an hour or two BECAUSE I SCREW UP SO MUCH IN TYPING, well the point is i am going to make the next chapter very soon most likely tomorrow
3809456 yeah and ok
oh, also derpy is going to be a main character, she will be in the next chapter or maybe the one after that
ok
Not bad at all. can't wait for the next chapter
i.imgur.com/MHuW96t.gif
3809609 why that gif? if its referring to my story as a whole, i don't understand why, if its some other part, then i still don't understand, but the gif is really funny
3809451 i fixed the formatting to my liking, i don't know if its better, but its how i like to read it, btw thanks for the tip!
Strange especially that instant hate toward Chrysalis. But gonna give it a shot
I clicked on this because it seemed like an interesting idea and you pulled it off well enough that I'm going to be following this story. Even though I did like this, there are definitely areas I think you could improve in.
I'd really like to see you get better, so I'm going to try to breakdown the story and point out ways you might improve your writing. I'm not anything more than an amateur writer, I don't even have any stories published here, but I'll try to offer what advice I can. I'm going over the whole chapter, so buckle in for the long haul. I'd really appreciate to know if anything I say has helped any. Critiquing can receive criticism of it's own and I'd hope to get better at it, knowing what observations affected you would be wonderful
First off, your paragraph structure is done oddly, it makes the story more difficult to read then it should be. The standard format to make it easier to read might look something like this.
It's a lot more pleasant to read than the constant single lines.
In general, you never want to separate a sentence across two lines. If you really want give that part emphasis then turn it into it's own sentence and put it with spaces between the paragraphs.
But I'm guessing that effect wasn't your intention.
I'm not going to touch on the grammar much, since it isn't my strongest suiting either. With that out of the way I can talk about the actual content of the chapter.
Quick thing, I think the correct term would be hermaphrodite, which means possessing the sexual qualities of both genders. While transgendered means feeling like you're a different gender then the one you were born as.
Right off the bat, you have a great opportunity to set up Kryna's character and the facts surrounding her. We're given a very plain description of how she was created, but it's the event the whole story revolves around. How exactly was she created? The answer to that question can affect why her character acts the way she does and everything else in the story. Did Chrysalis create her using kind of technique revolving around changeling magic and breeding, like some kind of magically altered egg? Did she use a spell? If so, where did she learn the spell? How does the spell work? Can anyone find and use this spell? Could Chrysalis use it again? If Chrysalis could have used it in the past, why did she decide to create a daughter just now? All of these details and information can have a huge effect on the ongoing plot. We don't necessarily have to find it all out now, but it's a vital part of what's happening in the story.
We can see that even freshly born Kryna has a personality, information about Chrysalis and the world in general and even knows things Chrysalis doesn't. Where did this knowledge come from? Is it because she was made to represent the elements? If so, what does "being made to represent the elements" actually mean? How did Chrysalis accomplish it? If Kryna knows things about the virtues she represents, and Chrysalis presumably gave her that knowledge when she made her, how can she knows things her creator doesn't? Did Chrysalis tap into an outside force to create Kryna, perhaps even the spirits of the elements themselves?
What effect does being born with fully formed ideas and knowledge of the world effect the psyche of a young filly? Is she confused by her newfound existence, scared, lonely? Does she have any existential concerns about her place in the world because she isn't a "real" filly. She's been brought into existence by a mother that doesn't seem to even care about her. For the first part of the chapter Chrysalis is the only sentient being she's ever met, and Kryna basically hates her. How did she handle being tossed into a world where her parent species is reviled and literally the only pony she's ever met is apparently a callous belligerent tyrant. What's it like being the only one of your kind, not exactly a changeling or a pony, completely alone in the world. From Kryna's perspective all that is her first minutes of life, that's more stress than a lot of adults can handle without freaking out. It could be that how she was created using the elements is why she's dealing with all of this so calmly, but we're never given any insight in to her thought process.
Even when it shifts to her perspective in first person we don't hear much about what she's thinking and almost nothing about what she's feeling. We mostly just hear about what she's doing, not why, or how she feels about it. Were her first moments a frightening wave of emotion and information that overwhelmed her? Or did she wake up with her mind preprogrammed like a robot, where her personality was carefully created before ever she woke up. Since Chrysalis was so surprised by how she acted, I doubt it was her that crafted her mind. So who did? The reason I ask is, say you took any small child and gathered years of information, ideas, her own opinions, morality, all the horrors and intricacies and beauties of life. And then you put all that into the child's head in the first terrifying moment of their existence, is there any child who could be so calm about it all?
Think about about what would be going on in her head. Is it like being a standard fiction amnesiac, where she can remember all kinds of places, ideas and things, but not where she learned about them? Her reactions to these things can define her character. How do you even write for a character that's never developed an identity, but remembers and thinks all kinds of thing? Did it look anything like this?
Or was it completely different? Did her connection to the elements give her more confidence? Is it the cause of her mood swings throughout her conversation with Chrysalis? Does being linked to such an absolute moral force affect her emotional state in an unhealthy way, like she can't process things like a normal pony?
It's your story, so you get to decide! There are so many way you can portray Kryna and what she's like! What kind of feeling are running through her mind when she meets ponies for the first time, is she relieved to encounter the CMC? Or intimidated? What are her long term goals?
Anyway, I've gone on long enough. I hope you found this useful! I think your story has real potential so far, and what's here now is very enjoyable. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter, good luck!
Beautiful start!
3810452 thank you, instead of just telling me what i executed poorly, you actually gave me examples, i was planing to have a flashback when kryna was talking to celestia, she's the one that warns celestia about the threat towards canterlot, she can tell intentions and knew that chrysalis made her so the elements wouldn't be a problem during the invasion, i will also explain how she knows so much and why she knew to go to ponyville to speak to the actual elements, that will be done later on in the story. i am going to take your suggestions and tips for the layout and i'm going to fix the majority of it right now
3812911 Great, I'm glad I could help.
3812955 Also can i use the example you used of kryna's thoughts when she woke up? i was planing something similar with the flashback, but you executed it better than i could have
3812964 Sure! You're welcome to use as much or as little of that as you want. Just credit me in the authors note or link my account there, something like that. It would be an honor to be a part of this story, even if only in a minute portion.
3812983 ill be sure to credit you! thanks for letting me use that piece! it wont show up for a while but it definitely will show up!