• Member Since 28th Aug, 2013
  • offline last seen Sep 24th, 2019

N3rdyGir1Squar3d


E

What happens when Queen Chrysalis decides she wants a daughter that has all the qualities of the elements of harmony? (The beginning takes place before the whole Canterlot Wedding)


Put on hiatus because of lack of inspiration, i will be writing other stories and when/if my inspiration comes back, i will continue

Chapters (8)
Comments ( 60 )

Nice.

Spacing for your paragraphs, put a extra space between each paragraph and it makes it easier to read.

It is a little confusing to read, but does carry a good premise. I would suggest getting an editor, but I will keep an eye on this.

OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH! people actually like my fan-fiction!!! I expected it to be a crash and burn, i actually came up with the idea 2 minutes before i wrote it then edited it for an hour or two BECAUSE I SCREW UP SO MUCH IN TYPING, well the point is i am going to make the next chapter very soon most likely tomorrow

oh, also derpy is going to be a main character, she will be in the next chapter or maybe the one after that

Not bad at all. :twilightsmile: can't wait for the next chapter:twilightsmile:

3809609 why that gif? if its referring to my story as a whole, i don't understand why, if its some other part, then i still don't understand, but the gif is really funny

3809451 i fixed the formatting to my liking, i don't know if its better, but its how i like to read it, btw thanks for the tip! :derpytongue2:

Strange especially that instant hate toward Chrysalis. But gonna give it a shot

I clicked on this because it seemed like an interesting idea and you pulled it off well enough that I'm going to be following this story. Even though I did like this, there are definitely areas I think you could improve in.

I'd really like to see you get better, so I'm going to try to breakdown the story and point out ways you might improve your writing. I'm not anything more than an amateur writer, I don't even have any stories published here, but I'll try to offer what advice I can. I'm going over the whole chapter, so buckle in for the long haul. I'd really appreciate to know if anything I say has helped any. Critiquing can receive criticism of it's own and I'd hope to get better at it, knowing what observations affected you would be wonderful

First off, your paragraph structure is done oddly, it makes the story more difficult to read then it should be. The standard format to make it easier to read might look something like this.

Queen Chrysalis smiled down at her work she had just finished creating. "Hmm, what shall I call you?" she questioned towards her first magically created changeling. The small filly like changeling started to wake up.

Chrysalis realized that she had never named a changeling before, besides herself of course. All changelings where transgendered, that way they could change into both genders without that 'part' missing. Of course there were exceptions, like Chrysalis herself. But they always became royalty and named themselves later in life. Before then there were called 'Royal' and then their number but sometimes they included gender too. Chrysalis was 'Royal 327' or 'Royal Female 106' but hated being called that. She came up with her name as soon as she was able to speak (Which is about 30 minutes after hatching, sense changelings hatch as adults).

Chrysalis then snapped out of her thoughts and looked down at the now awoken filly changeling. Chrysalis thought for a minute then said out loud, "Kryna, thats what I'll call you."

The second Kryna looked up at her mother, a look of pure anger washed over her face. "Hello mother" Kryna spat at the Queen that made her.

Startled Chrysalis stood up and stepped back thinking that she was just intimidated and was trying to make herself seem a lot more intimidating. Chrysalis immediately realized that she needed to show her dominance to her daughter. "You will NOT disrespect me daughter."

It's a lot more pleasant to read than the constant single lines.

Queen Chrysalis smiled down at her work she had just finished creating.
"Hmm, what shall I call you?" she questioned towards her first magically created changeling.
The small filly like changeling started to wake up.
Chrysalis realized that she had never named a changeling before,
besides herself of course.

In general, you never want to separate a sentence across two lines. If you really want give that part emphasis then turn it into it's own sentence and put it with spaces between the paragraphs.

Chrysalis realized that she had never named a changeling before.

Besides herself of course.

All changelings where transgendered, that way they could change into both genders without that 'part' missing.

But I'm guessing that effect wasn't your intention.

I'm not going to touch on the grammar much, since it isn't my strongest suiting either. With that out of the way I can talk about the actual content of the chapter.

All changelings where transgendered

Quick thing, I think the correct term would be hermaphrodite, which means possessing the sexual qualities of both genders. While transgendered means feeling like you're a different gender then the one you were born as.

Queen Chrysalis smiled down at her work she had just finished creating.
"Hmm, what shall I call you?" she questioned towards her first magically created changeling.

Right off the bat, you have a great opportunity to set up Kryna's character and the facts surrounding her. We're given a very plain description of how she was created, but it's the event the whole story revolves around. How exactly was she created? The answer to that question can affect why her character acts the way she does and everything else in the story. Did Chrysalis create her using kind of technique revolving around changeling magic and breeding, like some kind of magically altered egg? Did she use a spell? If so, where did she learn the spell? How does the spell work? Can anyone find and use this spell? Could Chrysalis use it again? If Chrysalis could have used it in the past, why did she decide to create a daughter just now? All of these details and information can have a huge effect on the ongoing plot. We don't necessarily have to find it all out now, but it's a vital part of what's happening in the story.

The second Kryna looked up at her mother, a look of pure anger washed over her face.
"Hello mother" Kryna spat at the Queen that made her.

"Why do you think i don't have holes in my hooves or hair? Holes show how corrupt the changeling is! Why do you think i don't have the same changeling skin that you have? I have pony like skin! Why do you think I don't have bug-like wings? I have normal wings! why do you thing I'm a filly? Changelings are born adults!"

We can see that even freshly born Kryna has a personality, information about Chrysalis and the world in general and even knows things Chrysalis doesn't. Where did this knowledge come from? Is it because she was made to represent the elements? If so, what does "being made to represent the elements" actually mean? How did Chrysalis accomplish it? If Kryna knows things about the virtues she represents, and Chrysalis presumably gave her that knowledge when she made her, how can she knows things her creator doesn't? Did Chrysalis tap into an outside force to create Kryna, perhaps even the spirits of the elements themselves?

What effect does being born with fully formed ideas and knowledge of the world effect the psyche of a young filly? Is she confused by her newfound existence, scared, lonely? Does she have any existential concerns about her place in the world because she isn't a "real" filly. She's been brought into existence by a mother that doesn't seem to even care about her. For the first part of the chapter Chrysalis is the only sentient being she's ever met, and Kryna basically hates her. How did she handle being tossed into a world where her parent species is reviled and literally the only pony she's ever met is apparently a callous belligerent tyrant. What's it like being the only one of your kind, not exactly a changeling or a pony, completely alone in the world. From Kryna's perspective all that is her first minutes of life, that's more stress than a lot of adults can handle without freaking out. It could be that how she was created using the elements is why she's dealing with all of this so calmly, but we're never given any insight in to her thought process.

Even when it shifts to her perspective in first person we don't hear much about what she's thinking and almost nothing about what she's feeling. We mostly just hear about what she's doing, not why, or how she feels about it. Were her first moments a frightening wave of emotion and information that overwhelmed her? Or did she wake up with her mind preprogrammed like a robot, where her personality was carefully created before ever she woke up. Since Chrysalis was so surprised by how she acted, I doubt it was her that crafted her mind. So who did? The reason I ask is, say you took any small child and gathered years of information, ideas, her own opinions, morality, all the horrors and intricacies and beauties of life. And then you put all that into the child's head in the first terrifying moment of their existence, is there any child who could be so calm about it all?

Think about about what would be going on in her head. Is it like being a standard fiction amnesiac, where she can remember all kinds of places, ideas and things, but not where she learned about them? Her reactions to these things can define her character. How do you even write for a character that's never developed an identity, but remembers and thinks all kinds of thing? Did it look anything like this?

My consciousness was emerging from a strange emptiness. In my half lucid state I realized it had been sleep. I couldn't remember ever sleeping before, or waking up for that matter. I slowly opened my eyes, staring groggily at the course material under me. I was laying on a stone floor, I was... I was...

"Kryna, that's what I'll call you."

Kryna. My name? The voice cuts through the haze and I snap my attention to the Changeling Queen standing in front of me. Crysalis. I'd never met her before, but I knew more about her than I would ever care to, foreign memories I knew I couldn't possibly have witnessed. But if those recollections weren't enough to condemn her, Chrysalis herself was more that enough. I could feel her contempt, her lust for power, she thought I would serve her. It made me sick, the disgust came from some strange judgement I could feel all way down to my bones. An odd way that I could almost sense her instinctively. As the feeling spurred me on, my disgust turned into another new emotion, anger.

Kryna. She had named me before I'd even said my first word! I knew royal changelings named themselves, it was how they defined their selves from the very beginning. She had stolen that opportunity from me. It was like Chrysalis was saying "you belong to me, I created you, you're not real royalty. I get to define who you are, I know better," I couldn't stand the thought of my name being defined by this... this... odious parasite! I stood as quickly as I could, scowling at my arrogant creator.

"Hello, mother," I spoke up, spitting the last word at her like some kind of blasphemy.

Or was it completely different? Did her connection to the elements give her more confidence? Is it the cause of her mood swings throughout her conversation with Chrysalis? Does being linked to such an absolute moral force affect her emotional state in an unhealthy way, like she can't process things like a normal pony?

It's your story, so you get to decide! There are so many way you can portray Kryna and what she's like! What kind of feeling are running through her mind when she meets ponies for the first time, is she relieved to encounter the CMC? Or intimidated? What are her long term goals?

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. I hope you found this useful! I think your story has real potential so far, and what's here now is very enjoyable. I'll be looking forward to the next chapter, good luck!

:raritystarry:Beautiful start!

3810452 thank you, instead of just telling me what i executed poorly, you actually gave me examples, i was planing to have a flashback when kryna was talking to celestia, she's the one that warns celestia about the threat towards canterlot, she can tell intentions and knew that chrysalis made her so the elements wouldn't be a problem during the invasion, i will also explain how she knows so much and why she knew to go to ponyville to speak to the actual elements, that will be done later on in the story. i am going to take your suggestions and tips for the layout and i'm going to fix the majority of it right now

3812911 Great, I'm glad I could help.

3812955 Also can i use the example you used of kryna's thoughts when she woke up? i was planing something similar with the flashback, but you executed it better than i could have

3812964 Sure! You're welcome to use as much or as little of that as you want. Just credit me in the authors note or link my account there, something like that. It would be an honor to be a part of this story, even if only in a minute portion.

3812983 ill be sure to credit you! thanks for letting me use that piece! it wont show up for a while but it definitely will show up!

i hope Princess Celestia dose not kill Kryna she maybe a changeling but she is a good changeling not a bad one and that ok

Princess Celestia doesnt seem to show her calmness today.
:trollestia:Nope!
Maybe she's having a bad day?
:duck:Maybe.

I applaud that you managed to write a short chapter where things actually get done! Though i'd advise giving at least a little time for each scene to sink in before you transition. I mean, this clocks in at 408 words, so a few extra lines of description or dialogue aren't exactly going to bog down the pacing.

The first chapters pacing was pretty good, this one was somewhat rushed in comparison. I'm assuming that's because you were sick as you mentioned, and felt pressure to release a new chapter. I can sympathize with sick-y "bleurgh" syndrome, it can be hard to do much of anything creative in that state.

I'll hand out some advice I think most people on this site would agree with. If it comes down to annoying readers by releasing the chapter later, or releasing a cut down or incomplete version, your readers will only disappointed temporarily while they wait, but if you publish the chapter and it's not up to your own standards then it'll effect the quality of the story permanently. Or at least until you go back and fix it. I'd be happy to wait longer if it meant you had time to make an even better story.

Now on to the more specific comments

"And we can show ya to our big sis's" Apple Bloom added while side-hugging Sweetie Belle

I can understand what you were going for there, with Apple Bloom putting her arm around Sweetie to show she was talking about both of them. While side-hugging is a technically accurate description of what she did, it doesn't really capture the spirit or character of the action. You can use different descriptions for mundane actions if it helps inform the reader of what it's significance is, or helps to add depth to the scene. Side-hugging might become

"And we can show ya to our big sis's" Apple Bloom added, looking from Sweetie Belle to me before squeezing Sweetie Belle firmly against her side.

Just little details that give the reader a better idea of whats happening, it shows how the character communicate to each other.

i said- but i do- i immediately- What do i say!

I's like that should be capitalized, it's not a huge deal if you forget to do it once or twice in a big chapter, that's just typos. But if it keeps happening over and over you notice it quickly, then it becomes a problem because it distracts the reader from what they should be paying attention to, the story.

About 3 hours of walking, About three hours of walking

about the 6 elements about the six elements

Most of the time if it's a small number like that you'd want to spell it out, it's usually more comfortable to read then just a plain numeral.

and there bearers, and their bearers

It should be their there, instead of there, they're quite a tricky set of words. There, their and they're, the difference between them can save a lot of confusion, just something to check for when you writing, using the wrong there/their/they're can completely change the meaning of a sentence. I'm guessing this was just a mistake, but in case you're ever confused about them, just google them, there are a million guides on how to use them properly.

"SPIKE!!!!!!!!"

Use of multiple exclamation points is personal preference, especially when your writing fiction. But using that many exclamation points in any casual conversation can be considered an obnoxious writing habit. In fact the author Terry Pratchett made fun of the practice, where the number of exclamation points someone uses goes up the closer they are to being stark raving mad. As is said in some of his books

'And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.' -- in Maskerade.

'Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.' -- in Eric

All caps and multiple exclamation points is usually used by writers who are still trying to get the hang of things and how to explain what their characters are feeling. As a general rule, one, or at the very most two exclamation points should be fine for almost any situation.

*Gulp* 'I'm going to end up a changeling splattered on the wall... aren't I?'

Once again it depends, but most of the time you would use little sound effects like that for comedic effect, rather than in a dramatic situation, as it's a much more cartoonish sort of way to describe it. When you look at *gulp* it's a kind of funny little sound effect. In a serious context you might want to change it to an actual description of the event from the characters view, as it can give the reader more relevant information. If you describe it then you can not only say that Kryna gulped, but also why she did, and what kind of 'gulp' it was.

A fearful one?

I swallowed hard, staring at the furious alicorn looming over me. 'I'm going to end up a changeling splattered on the wall... aren't I?'

A sort of realizing 'oh crap' moment?

I swallowed nervously. My mouth hanging open and eyes wide as Princess Celestia stared me down. 'I'm going to end up a changeling splattered on the wall... aren't I?'

Or you could even use as a part of her internal monologue type thing, giving a more self-commentating self aware vibe. Like the character is aware of the gulping cliche and that's what their mind jumps to when their in big trouble.

'Gulp,' I thought, 'I'm going to end up a changeling splattered on the wall... aren't I?'

Anyway, the plot is starting to move along, I'll be really excited to see how you handle the upcoming scene with Kryna and Celestia. Good luck on finding time to write!

3827004 Thanks for the feedback i am in fact sick with the flu thats going around :pinkiesick:, and i appreciate you helping me :pinkiehappy:

3831559 I'm glad you find it helpful, hope you get better soon! Or at least don't die, that's pretty much a good goal in any situation.

wait isn't there another Dinky Doo living in ponyville or not and i like this chapter

3841039 i'm just running my story as if there wasnt

EquineWhoDoesStuff has it down pat. The chapter gets the story to where you want Kryna to be, but it does feel rushed.:pinkiegasp:

If you are ever six while working on a story, take a break:pinkiesick: Your work will wait and turn out better, which represents you better too:pinkiehappy:

3841118 I have a few critiques, but I hope they all come off as constructive.:twilightsmile:

Your characters seem to know things before experiencing them; Kryna knows not to trust Chrysilys from her Elemental origins, but she also seems to know more about life outside the Hive for only being a few hours old.

Celestial knows she's in Ponyville and is a Changeling before Kryna even tells anyone about it. Furthermore, Celestial wasn't acting very much like Celestial. She'd defend her kingdom and subjects, but not with a "set phasers to kill" attitude.:trollestia:

Lastly, Derpy shouldn't had been able to see the Princess, determine that Kryna is a changeling, and rush in to save her at a moment's notice. She didn't know what Celestia ws going to cast; it could have as easily had been a levitation spell to keep said filly in check.:derpytongue2:

You seem to want to have your characters act a certain way so they'll be where you need them for the plot. Characters respond better when their motivations and personalities drive the plot. It flows better and feels more real...which we desperately need with magical talking ponies:pinkiehappy:

Hooray!
Daring Do is going to meet her cousin, Ditzy Doo!
Nothing bad I saw, except the super mad Celestia.:trollestia:

3841336 Thanks for pointing that out, ill definitely take a little bit of a chapter to explain that!

3843633 That's good. You have a solid story idea and a good premise. Just needed a little polishing was all.

And most importantly, you asked for criticism. They say to be a good and successful author you need to be able to write 100 pages that you love and then shred them...because that's what an editor will eventually ask you to do.

I think you're starting with a great attitude.:twilightsmile:

reply to this comment if you want to become editor! :derpytongue2:

3878032 i can make an attempt i guess

Well, the past CAN hurt, but vengeance will make it worse.

3878711 One of my friends already offered, sorry

I'd offer to help, but it seems you already have an editor. Which is great. The fact that you have one is awesome because I've read several fics that could be so much better than they are if they just had someone proofread it. Also, I like your story so far. Keep writing ! And have fun! :yay::moustache:

3888645 lol she is also re-reading all of my other chapters and pointing out EVERY LITTLE DETAIL, which is good! (For an editor anyway)

3809609 what is this animal? I want one! ^_^

I hope that everpony going to be ok not hurt after what happen in this chapter and I like it

Do just had to be agressive.
But the 3 were being attacked, so theres a reason.

HEY GUYS I'M THE NEW EDITOR/CO-WRITER! HOPE YOU LIKED THIS CHAPTER

3898297 ok and i do liked this chapter

Comment posted by N3rdyGir1Squar3d deleted Feb 5th, 2014

that ok and ok

Not a bad story, but has serious pacing/spelling/grammatical issues.

That end is confusing.:applejackconfused:
I thought Ditzy shouted "DARING!" for being scared of her mom.
And then Dinky says "MOM?!". (Which would be Ditzy)

4026317 yeah, I didn't get my editor until before last chapter, and this chapter she couldn't edit for me, so ill work on that

i dont see how daring would have even noticed how 'dinky' was a changeling... it was like she KNEW from the very start.

then again, having a sister like that surely would keep in touch with her.

she would've noticed from how there was no 'mr ditzy doo', or a boyfriend, of pregnancy... and how dinky was at least the age of 6... so that is PROBABLY how she kinda noticed

this is a good story. much potential.

practice makes perfect! keep writing!

Login or register to comment