Twilight and her five friends decide to spend a night together in her house in a sleep over and of course the book worm naturally pulls out her sleep over book to make sure it turns out to be the second best sleep over ever!
I'll be honest, this chapter was kinda sup-par. No, scratch that, it was really bad.
The clop scene was generic, there where several places with very awkward sentence structure or repeated phrases, and a third of the chapter is word-for-word the episode manuscript. noone cares to read that....
There should be a comma between the emboldened words.
Alternate ending to the dare: What is this thing in my mouth? It's slippery, and it's slimy. Traveling down my slender, virgin, pink esophagus? A Pegasus' tongue! I kissed a mare and I liked it! The taste of her apple chapstick. I kissed a mare, just to try it. I hope my coltfriend don't mind it. It felt so wrong, it felt so right, it don't mean that I'm in love tonight.
“It's noty liked I dared-ed you to buck her or anything.” Pinkie Pie remarked with an eye-roll, her voice slurring her words at random.
Is this a slur or an accidental misspelling?
“Wait! For the love of Luna and everythin apples, don't tell me!”
For the sake of time, every time I find one of these, I will just write Apostrophe.
She may be friends with them and she may be loyal but Celestia would banish her to the moon before she allowed herself to get all hyped up over something as lame as Starswirl the bearded.
You need commas between the emboldened words.
A familiar voice 1.)said at which point the 2.)cyan blue 3.)Pegasus chest was filled with a ping of dread.
1.) There should be a comma between these words 2.) I bring this up now because it is in the same sentence as number three. Cyan and blue are basically the same thing, so saying "cyan blue" is a little redundant. I will not point out the rest of the redundancies as there are a lot of them. (Unless, like this one, they are with some other error I find.) Control+F should find them all, though. 3.) This is possessive, so there should be an apostrophe at the end.
He finished with a pleading look that Rainbow Dash didn't think was genine for a second.
Perhaps you mean "genuine?"
A few hours past now and Rainbow Dash was edging for a little competition.Thinking<1.) Applejack must have escaped 2.)discord's claws by 3.)now she headed for 4.)Apple Acres only to receive a shock as she looked at her friend whom was sneezing and blue.
1.) There should be a space between the period and "thinking." 2.) "Discord's" should be capitalized. 3.) There should be a comma between these words. 4.) It is "Sweet Apple Acres."
“Alright! First one to the other side of Apple Acres wins!”
Sweet Apple Acres.
In no time at all he was neck and neck with the 1.)cyan blue 2.)Pegasus much to her shock and delight.
1.) Cyan Blue Redundancy. 2.) There should be a comma between these words.
Rainbow Dash exclaimed with a cocky grin as she crossed her arms at the stallion hovering in front of him.
These words need a comma between them. Without it, it sounds as though the stallion is hovering in front of Rainbow Dash and you are calling Rainbow Dash a him.
Why do you think I raced you this far into Apple Acres?
Sweet Apple Acres.
WARNING! From here this comment may get a little not safe for work.
“Didn't ya just get done sayin ya could outlast me durin sex?”
Apostrophes.
Despite the stallion not realizing he had “just went in dry” it didn't take Rainbow Dash long to submit.
This does not need to be within the quotation marks.
“Now lets see ya out last me.”
This "let's" should have an apostrophe s.
Big Macintosh simply chuckled once again at this remark as he thrust his length into her, each thrust pushing the 1.)cyan blue 2.)Pegasus's body against the tree as she moaned out.
1.) Cyan Blue Redundancy. 2.) The s at the end is superfluous.
“Heh, I wasn't even talking about sex you gutter-brain but I won't pass up a good rutting if the stallion's willing.”
There should be a comma between these words.
“Don't tell me your spent already.”
Wrong "you're."
“Fine. Ya got yerself a 1.)bet partner.” Big Macintosh replied as the 2.)cyan blue Pegasus continued.
1.) There should be a comma between these words. 2.) Cyan Blue Redundancy.
“O-Okay, ya win. Just let me pull out fore' Ah knock ya up.”
The apostrophe should be at the front of the word.
Each thick rope of stallion spunk jetting into her and splashed against the walls of her cervix.
Tense confusion, either "jetting" should be changed to "jetted," or "splashed" should be changed to "splashing."
She exclaimed in shock as the stallion's milk leaked dribbled down along the length of his member and onto his balls.
There seems to be an "out and" missing here.
“So ya finally done or do you have a few more gallons left in those balls?”
The emboldened words need commas between them.
“First time a mare let me finish inside her. That was great.” Big Macintosh managed to utter out between pants.
“Ah didn't cum that much.” Big Macintosh retorted defensively.
There seems to be a line from Rainbow Dash missing here.
But unless I had some kind of cum fetish, that much is too much!
One too many spaces between these words.
“Not unless you want it to be but I get the feeling you don't want it to be, right?”
These words need a comma between them.
“So me and Big Mac went to nearest lake to clean ourselves off and I buck him every few weeks or so.”
There is a "the" missing between these words.
He's a baby dragon Twilight!”
There should be a comma between these words.
I'm not stupid Rarity.”
There should be a comma between these words.
Wow. That was fun, I love doing that, even though it makes reading the story take longer than it should. This chapter is less than five thousand words, it should have taken me less than an hour to read. It took me almost three. Since you went through the trouble, here is a Rainbow Dash ahegao.
ahhh poor AJ, well it could be worse i guess she could of found out that dash had a thing for older mares and was banging granny smith lol. judging by how this ended i'm getting the feeling the game of truth and dare is over and the "what's your dirty little secret" game is beginning heh.
Skipped this chapter. With all the Lesbian jokes that Dashie made, and all the lesbian innuendo there's no bucking way she's straight. I call Bull 5h17. So I'm ignoring this entire chapter with a vengeance.
Why does everypony in this fic smirk? I've maybe counted at least 10 smirks , also, I'm not saying this is a problem, but how come everypony is up to having.... well sex?
Poor AJ. First the mare of your dreams dosen't swing your way, and then you find out, IN GRAPHIC DETAIL, that she bucks your brother.
I'll be honest, this chapter was kinda sup-par. No, scratch that, it was really bad.
The clop scene was generic, there where several places with very awkward sentence structure or repeated phrases, and a third of the chapter is word-for-word the episode manuscript. noone cares to read that....
4000449
*insert feeble excuse for bad writing here*
I'll be the first to admit this chapter was stale as five year old bread but I'm attempting to break through writers block so bare with me.
4000584
I liked it, and I'm super excited for the next chapter
4000584
When you do get through it, the second thing you need to do is fix this chapter. It drags down the rest of the fic.
If you're wondering, the first thing you need to do is Pen Pals 3
In anticipation for next chapter:
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/313/919/cf7.png
cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJcMjAxMi8wOS8xOS8xOF8yOF8xMV8xMzNfMTAxOTIyX19VTk9QVF9fc2FmZV9hcHBsZWphY2tfc3Bpa2VfcmVhY3Rpb25faW1hZ2VfY2FwdGlvbl9yb3BlBjoGRVQ/101922__safe_applejack_spike_reaction-image_caption_rope.jpg
Been looking forward to this for god-knows-how-long. That was a satisfying read. CAN'T WAIT FOR SPARITY!!! :D
WARNING! MAJOR CHAPTER SIX SPOILERS!
Here we go again.
Kissin' needs an apostrophe at the end.
There should be a comma between the emboldened words.
Alternate ending to the dare:
What is this thing in my mouth? It's slippery, and it's slimy. Traveling down my slender, virgin, pink esophagus? A Pegasus' tongue!
I kissed a mare and I liked it! The taste of her apple chapstick. I kissed a mare, just to try it. I hope my coltfriend don't mind it. It felt so wrong, it felt so right, it don't mean that I'm in love tonight.
Is this a slur or an accidental misspelling?
For the sake of time, every time I find one of these, I will just write Apostrophe.
You need commas between the emboldened words.
1.) There should be a comma between these words
2.) I bring this up now because it is in the same sentence as number three. Cyan and blue are basically the same thing, so saying "cyan blue" is a little redundant. I will not point out the rest of the redundancies as there are a lot of them. (Unless, like this one, they are with some other error I find.) Control+F should find them all, though.
3.) This is possessive, so there should be an apostrophe at the end.
Perhaps you mean "genuine?"
1.) There should be a space between the period and "thinking."
2.) "Discord's" should be capitalized.
3.) There should be a comma between these words.
4.) It is "Sweet Apple Acres."
Sweet Apple Acres.
1.) Cyan Blue Redundancy.
2.) There should be a comma between these words.
These words need a comma between them. Without it, it sounds as though the stallion is hovering in front of Rainbow Dash and you are calling Rainbow Dash a him.
Sweet Apple Acres.
WARNING! From here this comment may get a little not safe for work.
Apostrophes.
This does not need to be within the quotation marks.
This "let's" should have an apostrophe s.
1.) Cyan Blue Redundancy.
2.) The s at the end is superfluous.
There should be a comma between these words.
Wrong "you're."
1.) There should be a comma between these words.
2.) Cyan Blue Redundancy.
The apostrophe should be at the front of the word.
Tense confusion, either "jetting" should be changed to "jetted," or "splashed" should be changed to "splashing."
There seems to be an "out and" missing here.
The emboldened words need commas between them.
There seems to be a line from Rainbow Dash missing here.
One too many spaces between these words.
These words need a comma between them.
There is a "the" missing between these words.
There should be a comma between these words.
There should be a comma between these words.
Wow. That was fun, I love doing that, even though it makes reading the story take longer than it should. This chapter is less than five thousand words, it should have taken me less than an hour to read. It took me almost three. Since you went through the trouble, here is a Rainbow Dash ahegao.
KBO.
ahhh poor AJ, well it could be worse i guess she could of found out that dash had a thing for older mares and was banging granny smith lol. judging by how this ended i'm getting the feeling the game of truth and dare is over and the "what's your dirty little secret" game is beginning heh.
I wonder how long this will be on hiatus for?
well so far this story is luneth spark approved
Girl, give us the deets!!!!
Skipped this chapter. With all the Lesbian jokes that Dashie made, and all the lesbian innuendo there's no bucking way she's straight. I call Bull 5h17. So I'm ignoring this entire chapter with a vengeance.
Why does everypony in this fic smirk? I've maybe counted at least 10 smirks , also, I'm not saying this is a problem, but how come everypony is up to having.... well sex?
DIRTY DEEDS! DONE DIRT CHEAP!
4624104
DIRTY DEEDS! WITH WHITE CREEPS!
Didn't ship Rainbow with Applejack. Chapter ignored.
4625523
DIRTY DEEDS! WITH FAT PEEPS!
I am shocked and appalled this didn't get posted here:
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