Twilight and her five friends decide to spend a night together in her house in a sleep over and of course the book worm naturally pulls out her sleep over book to make sure it turns out to be the second best sleep over ever!
3650527 I have to disagree on the pony statement that's like saying "All five humans accounted for" Or "All my human friends present and accounted for " The way the author has it is just fine.
Ehh. We know they are ponies, do we not. Besides, like twidash1993 said, It doesn't make sense. But what fun is there in making sense? Pinkie Pie doesn't make sense. Says 'nough to me.
As a fellow Nit-pick Nazi however, I found this.
Applejack replied to which everypony make vocal responses of agreement to this as they looked at the shy mare.
make: Wrong tense, should have been made. to this: It's out of place and double, just remove it. You should get something like this:
Applejack replied to which everypony made vocal responses of agreement as they looked at the shy mare.
You could even consider using some comas, but that is your call.
P.S: I like comas. The things between sentences, not the thing you get when someone bashes your face in.
3650699 ...Except they use that noun all the flippin' time in the show.
3650756 Yeah, we know they're ponies, but we also know Twilight has six close friends in Ponyville, not five...don't we?
The comas that come between clauses and the comas that come after you suffer trauma are the same (if you happen to begin a sentence when falling into said coma, and finish that same sentence the moment you wake up). Commas, on the other hand, are meant to tie two or more clauses into a single sentence. :cheerileeawesomeface:
Today Twilight would have her second ever 1A.)sleepover with not just 2.)one best 1B.)friend but all five! Pinkie Pie had come up with the idea and even Twilight had to 1C.)admit despite her earlier 1D.)protests that it was a good idea for the six to spend some quality time with each other.
1ABCD.) There should be commas between "sleepover" and "with," "friend" and "but," "admit" and "despite," and between "protests" and "that." 2.) The first sleepover Twilight had was with two ponies, Applejack and Rarity.
She remarked as she looked over her checklist to see six neatly placed sleeping bags, each colored to match each mares fur color along with their 1.)cutiemarks 2.)brazened on the top of each one.
1.) "Cutie marks" is two words. 2.) Brazen: endure an embarrassing or difficult situation by behaving with apparent confidence and lack of shame. The word you are looking for is: "emblazoned": conspicuously inscribe or display (a design) on something.
“Sleepover book...” She remarked as she hovered a book brazened with two pillows on it over to her and placed it on the floor. “Check!”
Once again, the word you are looking for is "emblazoned."
Pinkie Pie was the first to arrive with no shock to Twilight as the hyperactive pink mare hopped in through her front door with a chipper grin on her face.
There should be commas between "arrive" and "with" and between "Twilight" and "as."
You got here ten minutes early after all.
There should be a comma between "early" and "after."
The 1.)lavender Alicorn 2.)replied though her eyes never left the pages of the book as she spoke.
1.) Lavender Unicorn Syndrome has ascended into princesshood and has become Lavender Alicorn Syndrome. 2.) There should be a comma between "replied" and "though."
1.)“Yours truly helps her save the day!” A familiar voice 2A.)said at which point the annoyed mare looked up to see Rainbow Dash hovering just above her. 2B.)“No spoilers please!” She snapped with a glare at the cyan blue Pegasus.
1.) The dialogue between Rainbow and Twilight should be separate. 2AB.) There should be commas between "said" and "at," and between "spoilers" and "please."
We were there remember?
There should be a comma between "there" and "remember."
Twilight began to protest as she looked away from her book only to suddenly realize that Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rarity had arrived already as well.
"Already" is superfluous.
It is time for our sleepover after all and I can't spend the entire time reading a book now can I?
You need commas between "sleepover" and "after," "all" and "and," and between "now" and "can."
“Says the mare who plans to use be usin this again.”
Usin' needs an apostrophe at the end.
"...Course Ah can easily get rid of the stuff if yer not up to 1.)drinkin. Can't expect everypony to enjoy the stuff.” The farm mare replied as she tipped her hat to the 2.)lavender mare in a respectful manner.
1.) Drinkin' needs an apostrophe at the end. 2.) Now that we have established that Twilight is lavender, an Alicorn, and a mare, can we go back to calling her Twilight?
“I don't see a problem with it darling. Social drinking isn't a crime after all.”
You need commas between "it" and "darling," and between "crime" and "after."
“Ya sure 1.)bout 2A.)that 3.)surgarcube? This here is a mutual 2B.)agreement and if one of us ain't okay with it, then none of us are. Isn't that 2C.)right everypony?” Applejack 2D.)replied to which everypony 4.)make vocal responses of agreement to this as they looked at the shy mare.
1.) 'Bout, in this case, is an abbreviation of about, so it needs an apostrophe before the b. 2ABCD.)You need commas between "that" and "sugar cube," "agreement" and "and," "right" and "everypony," and between "replied" and "to." 3.) "Sugar cube" is misspelled. 4.) "Make" should be "made." However, someone has already mentioned that.
she replied her voice hushing to a mere whisper by the end of her sentence.
There should be a comma between "replied" and "her."
What's first Twilight?
There should be a comma between "first" and "Twilight."
This looks interesting, I would like to see where this goes, therefore, I shall favorite and upvote. KBO.
fim fiction seriously needs a way to notify folks by e-mail when there favorite authors release new stories. granted been busy with holiday crap but if i knew this was up i'd canceled christmas to read it.
looks to be interesting so far can't wait to see what kinda plot this ones takes.
I could've sworn I followed you. I'll have to fix that oversight shortly. Although I'm sad that Whom The Bell Tolls 2 hasn't updated in forever . So far this is looking to be a good fic *goes to read more*.
Do... do you not know what a keg is? It's 100% unrelated to bottles, so just how Applejack brought a "keg of bottles" is beyond me. Probably some pony magic.
Honestly, just in the first chapter this fic is rife with errors. It desperately, desperately needs an editor to go through it and fix... everything. From grammar to spelling to punctuation, there's not a single part of this chapter that wouldn't make English majors want to gouge their eyes out.
...that being said, I can (and will) look past all that stuff in this case. You should still fix this chapter (and presumably the rest of the fic), because it's embarrassing, but having a decent grasp of the English language is not required to tell an interesting story, and you've certainly gotten me interested.
For those of you who dont know what happens at a mare ( girl) exclusive sleepover let me elaborate they talk about boys do make up play truth or dare and all that no wonder they don't want spike there. I have already read this so good story and I am glad to be reading this again
5218172 I tell you the truth, while I am not nearly as bad as twilight, I am very socially awkward. I could really use that book of hers, and your explanation helped. xD My last official Sleep over / slumber party was when I was 8 years old. ><'
Twilight and her five [pony] friends
Almost all five. This implies one of the ponies is not her friend.
All five
friends[ponies] accounted for...”“All my [pony] friends present and accounted for... Check!”
Props for justifying his absence sympathetically. Few authors would have bothered.
3650527 I have to disagree on the pony statement that's like saying "All five humans accounted for" Or "All my human friends present and accounted for " The way the author has it is just fine.
3650527
Ehh. We know they are ponies, do we not. Besides, like twidash1993 said, It doesn't make sense. But what fun is there in making sense? Pinkie Pie doesn't make sense. Says 'nough to me.
As a fellow Nit-pick Nazi however, I found this.
make: Wrong tense, should have been made.
to this: It's out of place and double, just remove it.
You should get something like this:
You could even consider using some comas, but that is your call.
P.S: I like comas. The things between sentences, not the thing you get when someone bashes your face in.
3650699 ...Except they use that noun all the flippin' time in the show.
3650756 Yeah, we know they're ponies, but we also know Twilight has six close friends in Ponyville, not five...don't we?
The comas that come between clauses and the comas that come after you suffer trauma are the same (if you happen to begin a sentence when falling into said coma, and finish that same sentence the moment you wake up). Commas, on the other hand, are meant to tie two or more clauses into a single sentence. :cheerileeawesomeface:
3650756
As a fellow Grammar Dalek, I am sure that you would be happy to know that comma (,) is spelled with two m's.
WARNING! MAJOR SPOILERS!
1ABCD.) There should be commas between "sleepover" and "with," "friend" and "but," "admit" and "despite," and between "protests" and "that."
2.) The first sleepover Twilight had was with two ponies, Applejack and Rarity.
1.) "Cutie marks" is two words.
2.) Brazen: endure an embarrassing or difficult situation by behaving with apparent confidence and lack of shame. The word you are looking for is: "emblazoned": conspicuously inscribe or display (a design) on something.
Once again, the word you are looking for is "emblazoned."
There should be commas between "arrive" and "with" and between "Twilight" and "as."
There should be a comma between "early" and "after."
1.) Lavender Unicorn Syndrome has ascended into princesshood and has become Lavender Alicorn Syndrome.
2.) There should be a comma between "replied" and "though."
1.) The dialogue between Rainbow and Twilight should be separate.
2AB.) There should be commas between "said" and "at," and between "spoilers" and "please."
There should be a comma between "there" and "remember."
"Already" is superfluous.
You need commas between "sleepover" and "after," "all" and "and," and between "now" and "can."
Usin' needs an apostrophe at the end.
1.) Drinkin' needs an apostrophe at the end.
2.) Now that we have established that Twilight is lavender, an Alicorn, and a mare, can we go back to calling her Twilight?
You need commas between "it" and "darling," and between "crime" and "after."
1.) 'Bout, in this case, is an abbreviation of about, so it needs an apostrophe before the b.
2ABCD.)You need commas between "that" and "sugar cube," "agreement" and "and," "right" and "everypony," and between "replied" and "to."
3.) "Sugar cube" is misspelled.
4.) "Make" should be "made." However, someone has already mentioned that.
There should be a comma between "replied" and "her."
There should be a comma between "first" and "Twilight."
This looks interesting, I would like to see where this goes, therefore, I shall favorite and upvote. KBO.
3651323
you are some perfect editing God.
Both the wish and bane of authors everywhere.
Can I keep you on backlog for when I write my first fic?
fim fiction seriously needs a way to notify folks by e-mail when there favorite authors release new stories. granted been busy with holiday crap but if i knew this was up i'd canceled christmas to read it.
looks to be interesting so far can't wait to see what kinda plot this ones takes.
3651128 Now I'm stuck imagining someone getting hit by a car and going into a week long comma.
I could've sworn I followed you. I'll have to fix that oversight shortly. Although I'm sad that Whom The Bell Tolls 2 hasn't updated in forever . So far this is looking to be a good fic *goes to read more*.
Do... do you not know what a keg is?
It's 100% unrelated to bottles, so just how Applejack brought a "keg of bottles" is beyond me. Probably some pony magic.
Honestly, just in the first chapter this fic is rife with errors. It desperately, desperately needs an editor to go through it and fix... everything. From grammar to spelling to punctuation, there's not a single part of this chapter that wouldn't make English majors want to gouge their eyes out.
...that being said, I can (and will) look past all that stuff in this case. You should still fix this chapter (and presumably the rest of the fic), because it's embarrassing, but having a decent grasp of the English language is not required to tell an interesting story, and you've certainly gotten me interested.
TL;DR Terrible grammar, good story. Will read.
4619022 I drink kegs of bottles all the time, pal. It's almost as simple as Wumbology!
Fluttershy is best pony.
3650759 no twilight has 5 friends the mane 6 includes twilight, unless your counting spike who is away at canterlot
For those of you who dont know what happens at a mare ( girl) exclusive sleepover let me elaborate they talk about boys do make up play truth or dare and all that no wonder they don't want spike there. I have already read this so good story and I am glad to be reading this again
5218172
I tell you the truth, while I am not nearly as bad as twilight, I am very socially awkward. I could really use that book of hers, and your explanation helped. xD My last official Sleep over / slumber party was when I was 8 years old. ><'
5218172 That's just the average prep sleepover.
Quote "Juicy Parts".
Warning The "Juicy Parts" are comming up
Prepare yourselves..?