Radda Radda, Ponyville
Schnitzel in Equestria
Chapter One
Radda Radda, Ponyville
“Schnitzel! Fetch me more Pizazz! We need to get this Fillet Ping Pong dish ready for a customer!”
The rock creature known as Schnitzel sighed, hauling himself away from his current job of mopping up the remains of Chowder’s slobber a few minutes before. Seriously, how could that little… cat thing eat so much in so short a time, and yet spill so much of it out of his mouth and all over the place? Of course, Schnitzel had to be the one to clean up; always him, never anyone else.
“Radda radda,” the lumbering creature muttered to himself, reaching up and pulling the big shaker full of Pizazz off of the top shelf. He turned and walked over to the dish Mung Daal was making; he didn’t know what it was made of, but to him, it looked like an obese frog’s bladder. It probably tasted like one too, but as little as he was paid, Schnitzel knew to keep his mouth shut most of the time.
“Ah, yes, thank you Schnitzel; Chowder, you can have the honor of dusting this dish,” the blue, big-nosed chef said, his long white mustache flowing from the hot air of his breath. "Just remember to not overdo it like last time; we don't want our minds switching bodies again."
“Radda radda,” Schnitzel said as Chowder rushed over and grabbed the shaker away from him. Thankfully their hands hadn't touched, or else Schnitzel would have had to wash his hands again before going back to work. Seriously, the grease and sweat that kid excreted...
“Oh boy! Pizazz! AHAHAHAHA!” Chowder shouted as he unscrewed the top and absolutely poured the dusty additive onto the dish.
"No Chowder, that's too much!" Mung shouted, rushing for the apprentice. But it was too late: the resulting explosion of the stuff blew the roof off of the place and sent Schnitzel into the far wall, as usual, his lungs absolutely full of the stuff. Cracks formed all along the wall where he had hit, and soon enough, the entire kitchen collapsed in on istle like some sort of culinary black hole. Then, mercifully, Schnitzel blacked out as Chowder was screaming something in background and Mung was pulling himself out from underneath a slab of custard-coated concrete.
.......
The first thing Schnitzel heard was a group of giggling voices that sounded suspiciously like little girls. Chowder was conspicuously afraid of one young girl in particular, so he probably wasn't around. Opening his eyes in confusion, the rocky fellow saw he wasn’t in the kitchen anymore. In fact, he’d never seen a place like this before; trees and birds and a sun that didn’t have a face. In fact, it looked more like a painting, and not an abstract one like where he was from.
The first thing he did was smile, something he had not done in quite a while. Then he started shouting for joy, running around in small circles like a dog, or Chowder sometimes, chasing its tail.
“Radda! Radda radda! Radda radda radda, radda!” The heavens could have heard his shouts of joy, for all he cared. He was free! Free from that kitchen, from Chowder and Mung Daal, from all that cooking and-,
“Howdy mister!” a voice said, causing his line of happy thoughts to derail, killing several passengers in the ensuing blaze.
Looking down in surprise, Schnitzel saw not one, but three pastel-colored ponies. They were absolutely tiny, barely reaching his knee. “Radda?” he asked. Maybe he’d inhaled more Pizazz than he thought…
“Radda? What kind of word is that?” the small orange one asked, her little wings flapping every now and then. “I’ve never heard it before.”
“Me neither, and I’ve read the dictionary like, twice,” the small white one said, her pink mane bobbing every now and then.
“Maybe that’s how he says hello! Radda mister!” the small yellowish one said, her bright pink bow bobbing in time with her head as she talked. “My name’s Applebloom, and these are my friends Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo. What’s yer name?”
“Radda? Radda radda!” Schnitzel replied, unsure if he had ingested some of Mung Daal’s cooking in the explosion as well as the Pizazz. This couldn’t be real, right? Talking pastel ponies greeting a rock monster from a culinary show…
Damn, it was real.
“I think radda is all he can say,” the one called Scootaloo said.
“Or that could be his name as well?” the one called Sweetie Belle replied. “Maybe his parents named him after a greeting, hoping he’d be friendly?”
“Sound like a mighty weird thing ta name yer child,” Applebloom said, walking up to Schnitzel. “Maybe we should name him?”
“How about Rocky?” Sweetie Belle asked, poking her hoof against his shin. “His skin is hard like a rock, and cold too.”
“Nah, that name’s too mainstream,” Scootlaoo said, her hidden hipster side showing for a brief second. “What about Stoner?”
“I don’t think other ponies would like it if we called some stranger Stoner,” Applebloom said, thinking. He was wearing what looked to be an apron of some kind, so he had to work in a kitchen… “Didja work in a kitchen, mister?”
Schnitzel decided talking wouldn’t get him anywhere just yet, so he just nodded.
“Are ya named after a food of some kind?” Applebloom asked. It may have sounded like a stupid question to some, but having grown up visiting a bakery run by a Mr. and Mrs. Cake, Applebloom had the distinct feeling this... thing would be similarly named. In fact, maybe she could eventually find out just what he was.
The rock thing nodded again. This little filly seemed to have a good head on her shoulders, unlike some of the other kids he knew that were around her age. Chowder for instance; completely dense and annoying.
“Is your name Butters?” Scootaloo asked. cocking her head to the side slightly.
Schnitzel shook his head. He couldn’t imagine ever being taken seriously by any... pony here if his name was Butters.
“Rutabaga?” Sweetie Belle asked. Another shake of the head from the rock creature; wrong answer.
“Dumpling?”
“Cupcakes?”
“Watermelon?”
“Pears?”
“Cauliflower?”
“Eggplant?”
“Persimmon?”
“Bagel?”
“Who’d name their kid Bagel?”
“Well, what kind of fruity parents would name their kid Persimmon?”
Applebloom hadn’t said anything, looking at the rock thing’s apron with an inspector’s eye. There, above a small pocket, she saw a name. “Schnitzel?” she asked.
“Radda radda,” the aforementioned rock creature said, crossing his eyes and nodding his head.
“Aw, Schnitzel was my next guess,” Scootaloo said, kicking a small rock with her foot. It had actually been “Sausage”, but she didn’t want them to know that.
"You think we should bring him into town? I don't see anywhere for him to stay out here," Sweetie Belle said, looking around the area. Indeed, in terms of suitable living for a creature as large and stone-looking as this Schnitzel, the housing market was nonexistent. Damn real estate price hikes...
"What about the other ponies?" Scootaloo asked. "He's not exactly normal looking by our standards, and if everypony reacted to Zecora like they did, then how are they gonna react to Schnitzel?"
"He's harmless, if a little goofy-looking," Sweetie Belle said, poking him in the knee again with her hoof. "Come on, what's the worst that could happen?"
"He gets chased out with torches and pitchforks?" Scootaloo guessed.
Schnitzel wasn't feeling the love here, and he wasn't sure he enjoyed being called "goofy-looking" by a little pony.
“The town's learned from their mistakes, so I reckon it'll be safe fer him ta come into town. So, Schnitzel, wanna see Ponyville?” Applebloom asked, hoping he would say yes.
The rock creature paused, rubbing his chin in thought. Well, he was away from Chowder and Mung Daal, and this place seemed nice enough, even if the one named after a scooter said other ponies might react badly to his presence. Oh well; he was a friendly-enough guy, right? He could make friends no problem. “Radda radda,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders. He didn’t exactly have anything pressing to do, so why not?
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Sweetie Belle said. This "Schnitzel's" language was impossible to understand, but at least he knew about nodding and shaking his head for "yes" and "no", or else they'd never get anything done.
The three little fillies led their new-found companion out of the woods and into Ponyville, which in Schnitzel’s eyes, seemed plain and yet so quaint. He was beginning to think he may have died and gone to some sort of bizarre heaven, devoid of Chowder and his previous line of work; the best kind of heaven, indeed. Sure, the locals angels seemed a bit strange, but he, he could get used to this.
“Say, if he’s got experience in the kitchen, maybe he could help us with our cutie marks!” Applebloom said as they approached the bakery. Every pony they passed either ignored them or just stared at Schnitzel like he were some bizarre balloon before carrying on with their business. Judging from his body type, everypony who paid attention would have thought he was a bit overweight and about as harmful-looking as a sack of moldy potatoes. “Schnitzel, what do you know about cooking?”
The rock thing blanched slightly at this, but hey, these weren’t like his former employers back at home, so maybe things would turn out differently? "Radda radda," he replied in a noncommittal tone. Sure, he knew how to cook; after practically living in that kitchen and watching Mung do all that "work", he had learned a few things. Like never put frozen food in the oven, or never put jalapenos in marshmallow treats.
"Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Cake, you mind if we us yer spare oven fer some cookin'? We're tryin' ta get our cutie marks!" Applebloom said as they entered the bakery.
"Sure thing dearie, only be sure to clean up your mess after you're done!" Mrs. Cake called from behind the counter, where she was too busy filing tax reports and ordering more insulin for Pinkie Pie to notice Schnitzel. Seriously, that girl ate so many sweets she'd likely grow to the size of a house in a few short years. "If you need any help, just give us a yell!"
"Aw, shucks, we won't be needin' any help," Applebloom said to her friends. "We got Schnitzel here ta help us! What's the worst that could happen?"
*Queue cooking montage*
"No, no, the cookie sheet goes in the oven, not on the stove!"
"Radda? Radda radda radda!"
"That's what I told her! We need ingredients on the sheet before we bake anything."
"Radda radda."
"Hey, y'all know the difference between tsp and tbsp?"
"I think that's "teaspoon" and "tea butter spoon."
"What's tea butter?"
"Radda? Radda radda, radda!"
"I don't know; how much is a cup?"
"Are you sure we should mix that cooking oil with that milk?"
"We need a leavening agent. Now, what's a leavening agent again?"
"Radda radda, radda radda, radda radda radda!"
"Yer right, Schnitzel; cooking is fun!"
"Hey, what's the difference between baking soda and soda? I just put some Coach-a-Cola in instead, will that work?"
"Hey, do you guys smell something burning?"
*End cooking montage*
It took thirty minutes for the firefighters to put out the grease fire on the bakery’s oven, with three little fillies and one rather scorched-looking Schnitzel standing off to the side. A crowd of ponies had gathered to watch the firefighters bring out the remains of several kitchen utensils and the smoke alarm, which had sadly not survived all that smoke inhalation. It could only take so much; the funeral would be later that week, with a twenty-one spell salute as a finishing touch.
“Well, I guess that’s the last time I try to make a banana smoothie,” Sweetie Belle said with a sad frown, knowing the olive oil/ketchup combo coating her rump was going to give her sister a heart attack. “No cooking cutie marks for us, I guess.”
“We were making a smoothie?” Scootaloo asked, some strawberry daiquiri dripping from her tail. “I thought we were making French toast! That’s why I had the eggs and syrup ready!”
“Then why did y’all ask me fer the lettuce and and a block of blue cheese if we were makin’ a smoothie?” Applebloom asked, trying to scrape some burned peanut butter off of her bow. “I don’t even like that kind of cheese! And tell me again, why did we need that mixing bowl full of cake batter and jalapeno peppers?”
“Radda radda,” Schintzel said to himself, putting his face in his hands. No, this wasn't some kind of heaven, and this wasn’t like home at all.
It was much, much worse.
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all of my yes!
i loved this show.
Well... I must say I am eager to see this continued... You never fail to impress me my friend and I hope you never stop doing so.
Perfect-o!
I remember this show, and I still miss it.
Great beginning! 
+1 Like
+1 Favorite
+1 Laugh
You know what you should do?
Name all the chapters random sequences of "Radda", topped off with one word that defines the chapter.
Radda radda radda!
3605644 You've just given me a great idea...
3605663
Love it.
+1 additional laugh
I'd put in a page break after he blacks out (maybe more buildup to it, as well). As for your cooking montage, it seems like a bit of a cheap way of handling the transition. Maybe you could actually have them get to the bakery and get ready to start making their 'smoothie' before transitioning (again with a page break (I like those)).
As for the crusaders, they seemed a bit quick to go parading this creature around town. I could see them trusting it instantly, but I personally think the whole scene happened a bit too fast. There was also a general lack of reaction from the populace, though it's not as if you didn't address that fact.
Despite those bumps, I feel you could make this into a decent story. I'm looking forward to see where you go with this.
This fic has potential. Consider it followed
Ooh the nostalgia
YES! He found freedom... or did he?
Oh damn, still, it's nice to see our favorite culinary rock creature in a more colorful world but then again being with the CMC, he now knows, there are others who are way worse than CHOWDER. Dun dun dunnnnn.
OH MY FUCKING G-D YES!
YES!
3605834 Well, I looked it over, and have given it some more "finishing touches" to include some of the things you said. You know, few people actually comment like this on my stories in so clear and concise a form. I wish more did; how else am I to improve if people just say "great" or "keep it up"?
just don't spend to much time on this dude
I haven't even started reading and all I want to say is 'WHAT DA FUCK THIS LOOKS AWSOME!"
Just.... yes, all my yes.
What's Applejack doing there? And why is she wearing her sisters bow?
Came for the Schnitzel, stayed for the insanity. Seriously, this is awesome. Now, I expect even more insanity.
Good job.
3606956
Trust me, I know exactly what you mean.
Radda Radda, radadarda Radda!
Radda.
If this manages to capture the pure lunacy of "Chowder" and the slap-stick of Pony, this will be hilarious.
thank you so much!
3607209 Whoops! Started thinking about the next chapter already!
That poor schmuck had the misfortune to meet the CMCs... I feel his pain.
Loved Schnitzel, so much depth and personality from one creature who could say one word.
When did the show go off the air, I lost track of it.
If Rarity turns out to be like that weird fat lady from the show (can't remember her name...) that would be hilarious. (I remember that one episode when she made Schnitzle her man-slave, and made him clean her pool while wearing only a tiger print speedo... I can't forget it... *sobs*)
3608840
You mean Endive?
3608840
Endive! A very bitter green.
Spoiler!
Schnitzel ends up with her in the end
You wonderful motherfucker!
Faved and advertised in my blog!
You have my attention.
Also, your joke with Mrs. Cake is funny, but a little awkward. I think it'd be better if you put it as "filling out tax returns and ordering more insulin for Pinkie."
Chowder was such a great show. It was a staple of my childhood!
Well, is. I'm still a child. But anyways!
Haven't even read it yet and I already love it. I'm going to explode from happiness
Is it ok to laugh at this? Cuz I started to then I stopped and then I started to again
You crafty bastard
Bah ha ha ha, bloody hilarious. I also loved Chowder, Schnitzel being my favourite character.