Library Radda Tests Radda
Chapter Two
Library Radda Tests Radda
“Girls, I know you didn’t mean for this to happen, but to help pay for the damages, you are going to have to help the Cakes clean up all this mess, and do chores for them until they can afford a new oven,” Twilight Sparkle said, looking down on the three young fillies. To think, she had had her whole day planned out doing experiments with Spike on the properties of reptilian mating rituals, only to find out the Cutie Mark Crusaders had brought in some unknown creature and tried cooking.
Her assistant would be devastated; he’d even shined his scales for the occasion, something she usually had to do by holding him down and scrubbing him with a floor buffer.
“Well, I guess that’s fair considerin’ it was us that started that fire,” Applebloom said, nudging the ground with a hoof. “But what about our friend, Schnitzel? He don’t have a home, and he didn’t have anything ta do with that fire startin’. He even tried puttin’ it out before the fireponies showed up!”
“Radda radda, radda radda,” the stone creature said, motioning to the scorch marks all over his body. Somehow, his apron was untouched, a fact for which he was grateful. Otherwise he’d be naked, and unlike these ponies, he came from a place where clothes were pretty much a necessity no matter where you were; except for the shower and bath, of course. Plus, he hadn’t packed any extra aprons.
“Well, that is very... heroic of him, but if he’s going to stay anywhere, it’ll have to be with somepony with an extra room. None of the inns, so far as I can remember, have any spare rooms, what with that convention in town,” Twilight said, rubbing her chin with a hoof. What was that convention about, again? Something about... brownies? No, no, it didn’t have a “w” in it, and Lyra was head of the festivities...
“Whattabout you, Twilight?” Applebloom asked. “D’ya think Schnitzel here could stay in the library with ya until we find him some place ta live?”
“Well, I do have an extra room all cleared out, but it was going to be my new clopfic section,” Twilight said slowly, not realizing just what she was saying until it was too late.
“What’s a clopfic?” Scootaloo asked, cocking her head to the side like a dog who had heard a weird noise.
“I-I’ll tell you when you’re older,” the purple unicorn replied quickly. When the pegasus filly didn’t press the question, she breathed an internal sigh of relief; now that was a close one.
“So, can he stay with you?” Sweetie Belle asked sweetly, her little pouty face accidentally giving a passing firepony diabetes. She knew her biggest punishment would be when she got home; Rarity, if she survived the shock, would likely douse her in bleach to prevent the ketchup/olive oil on her from staining her coat. Why else were their coats so white and pristine? Rarity was addicted to using bleach.
“I’ll have to write to Celestia about this, but for the time being, I don’t see why not,” Twilight said, watching as the rock creature stood up. “Now girls, if you’ll excuse me, your friend Schnitzel needs to move in and make himself at home.”
“Radda radda,” he said to the three small fillies, giving them a small wave of goodbye before following the purple unicorn away from the bakery. Looking around the town, he came to realize something; there were a lot of mares here, and by a lot, he meant almost all of them. Seriously, everywhere he looked, he was lucky if he saw one stallion for a good seventeen mares.
Chowder’s friend Gazpacho would have a fear-induced heart attack/stroke combo; everyone knew he was scared of girls.
After a few minutes of walking, Twilight stopped at the library doors. To the rock creature, her home would have looked utterly ridiculous, except for the fact he lived in a place that looked like a giant tea kettle. “Here we are, Mr. Schnitzel,” she said, opening the door and walking inside. “Mind your-,”
*Bonk*
“-head,” she finished sheepishly as Schnitzel grumbled and rubbed his face. He was a good two feet taller than the door was, and Twilight’s own head barely reached his waist. He was likely the tallest living creature in this town, so long as some recluse didn’t have a giraffe or something stored away.
“Radda radda?” Schnitzel asked, pointing at some scented candles and plastic sheets covering an area of the library floor.
“Oh, right, that,” the purple unicorn said, blushing slightly. “Spike? Spike! I’m sorry, but we can’t continue our research today; we have a visitor who’ll be staying with us for a while.”
“Aw, shucks, I was going to surprise you!” the little dragon shouted, his perch upon a bookcase they were passing no longer a suitable hiding place.
“Don’t worry, Spike, you’ll get plenty of time later to... investigate what we discussed earlier,” Twilight said with a wink. “For now, could you clean this up?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll get right on that,” Spike said, jumping down from the shelf and starting to pack everything up. “Who’s this?” he added, pointing at Schnitzel.
“Oh, Schnitzel, meet Spike: Spike, Schnitzel,” Twilight said. “He’ll be staying with us for some time.”
“Hey,” Spike said to the tall rock creature.
“Radda,” was all Schnitzel said in reply. This dragon seemed cool, and for once in this town, was actually a male. If he turned out to be anything like Chowder, though, Schnitzel would have no choice but to never let him be by him, if only for his own safety.
“Before we get you settled in, Schnitzel, I’d like to run a few things by you: is that is all right?” Twilight asked as Spike finished shoving the “studying” materials into an already-cramped closet.
“Hey, there’s where my sandwich from last week went to!” the dragon exclaimed. “Mmm, still good as the day I lost it.”
Schnitzel thought he was going to be sick, but he swallowed the rising vomit enough so that he gave the purple unicorn a nod in agreement. Certainly whatever she had planned couldn’t be worse than what those three little fillies had put him through, right?
“All right, first I’m going to ask you a few questions, so if you’d make yourself comfortable in this chair, I’ll be right with you,” Twilight said as she walked off, quickly pointing at a rather uncomfortable-looking chair to Schnitzel’s right. The rock creature sat down in it, only for his great weight to crush the legs into toothpicks. In a shower of teeth-cleaning debris, he landed on his bottom, the “seat” of the chair somehow still intact after that. Grumbling and rubbing his backside a bit, he just sat there until Twilight returned, this time with a scroll and some ink.
“Now, tell me, where are you from?” she asked.
“Radda radda, radda, radda radda radda, radda,” Schnitzel said, starting to go into great detail of his early childhood.
“Um... is radda all you can say?” Twilight asked.
“Radda? Radda radda radda! Radda radda, radda radda radda,” Schnitzel replied, feigning deep hurt for her being so culturally insensitive. This was the language he had always spoken, ever since the day he was born. It was the language of a proud race, a race of culinary warriors and war chefs stretching back thousands of years! Why, the very thought-
“I’ll take that as a yes,” Twilight said, circling her phrase “can only say ‘radda’ to communicate” on her piece of parchment. “Okay, since a verbal response is out of the question, and I would hate to aggravate your head injury any further by any nodding and shaking, I’d like it if you’d just respond to “yes” questions with one finger raised, and “no” with two fingers.” Yes, Twilight knew what fingers were; dragons had very dexterous hands, something Lyra Heartstrings had found out the other day when Spike gave her a massage.
The smell of an emptied bladder still lingered in a select few places.
Schnitzel sighed; well, at least this was better than trying to cook with those little fillies.
“Are you not from Equestria?”
One finger, the thickness of it reminding Twilight of some kind of soy sausage, coined a “soysauge” by both Pinkie Pie and New Jersneigh ponies everywhere, rose up.
“Are you a male?”
Almost shouting in indignation (seriously, did she not hear his deep and smooth baritone voice?), Schnitzel raised the same finger again.
“Those little things on the top of your head: are they your ears?”
One finger again; Schnitzel never realized just how odd he may have looked to these ponies. His head was square, as were his little ears, and he walked upright; no wonder the ponies who had seen him and paid attention seemed so confused. Plus, his toes looked like that of a dinosaur, and his hands were merely blobs on the ends of his arms, complete with his sausage-like fingers.
All in all, a very strange creature to these locals, indeed.
“Do you know how you came to be in Equestria?”
Two fingers this time, held aloft in what Schnitzel knew to be the “peace” sign, but Twilight saw only as a V, like the symbol gangster ponies made with their front legs when signaling to one another it was time to raid the passing ice cream wagon. Inner cities were a dangerous place for confectionary treats and such, especially when the retards emerged from the shadows.
“I can tell you understand what I’m saying, so I’ll skip any other language questions,” Twilight said, crossing out a few hastily-scribbled questions. “Do you have any other clothes with you besides that apron?”
Two fingers. Hopefully she knew some tailor or something, and since he wasn’t working in Mung Daal’s kitchen, Schnitzel would finally be able to get some clothes that not only fit right, but he wanted to actually wear. Maybe some slacks, a bowler hat, and a nice suit? He liked to look classy, if even only in his dreams.
“Okay, so, according to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, your previous occupation involved... cooking, correct?”
One finger. Okay, Schnitzel had to admit, this wasn’t so bad. Answering yes and no questions, or getting set on fire by three baking-deficient fillies? Questions were nice.
“Have you ever been in a relationship before?”
Okay, that was a fly ball that went waaay out into left field. “Radda?” Schnitzel asked, raising one finger.
“Just checking; there are a lot of rules to follow in Equestria, some of which are easier to understand if one is single. Okay, now, have you or have you not ever been in an accident of some kind before today?”
Schnitzel’s single finger almost exploded, he raised it so fast. Oh, if this pony could understand all the pain he’d been through, she’d likely put him in some sort of nice, padded room, hoping he didn’t just break and smashing through walls or rearrange the alphabet or something.
“I guess you have,” Twilight muttered, circling “possible recipe for disaster” under Schnitzel’s name. “Okay, have you ever heard of magic?”
Schnitzel snickered; magic? That was all fake, merely a sleight of the hand or something. So, two fingers; he was tempted to do three, just to mess with her, but decided against it.
“Ah, well, this may come as a shock to you, but in Equestria, us unicorns are capable of magic,” Twilight said, and as if to demonstrate, levitated a book from one shelf to another.
Schnitzel, if he could have, would have shouted something about witch, but managed to suppress it.
“Okay, okay, so do you eat primarily plant matter?”
Schnitzel shrugged, raising one finger. He’d enjoy a good salad now and then, but the meats of Marzipan City were always on his mind. Then again, in a world of ponies, he didn’t exactly believe he’d be getting meat anytime soon, so best to go with the flow for the time being.
“Okay, so as for a little side test, I’m going to test your reflex in your legs,” Twilight said, magically summoning a small hammer and hovering near the rock creature’s knees. “Let me know if you can feel this.”
*Tap
Two fingers; wow, Schnitzel wouldn’t have even know he’d been touched if he hadn’t watched it for himself.
*Tap Tap
Okay, that must have been harder, but for the life of him, Schnitzel didn’t feel that either. Maybe she just trying to not hurt him? He was stone, though, so maybe she couldn’t hurt him, even if she tr-
*SLAM
With the room spinning and tears forming in his eyes, Schnitzel clutched his sides, almost wheezing from the sheer force of the hammer tapping his knee. Okay, this was just as bad, if not worse, than the fillies from before.
“Did you feel that?” Twilight asked.
One finger this time; the middle one.
“Okay, enough of that,” the unicorn said. “Now we’re going to test your conductivity to magic and electricity. Don't worry, it'll be painless."
Schnitzel sighed; great, just great. He’d gone from being burned by some fillies’ terrible cooking to being some unicorn’s test subject.
Just how bad was this place?
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i love the story still
but did you really have to make twilight like this?
doing things with spike? and a clopfic section in the library?
sorry if i nit pick this stuff. just felt weird to me.
3609702 This is supposed to be just plain weird and zany. Other characters won't be this far gone, but I just felt like it. If enough people don't like it, I'll change it.
Hah!
This does match the zaniness of Chowder.
The reflex scene was also hilarious, but one tiny nitpick.
Did you mean to say are you not from Equestria?
Schnitzel is the last person I'd expect to flip the bird, but it was just as surprising as it was funny!
We need more burple nurples
>>>To think, she had had her whole day planned out doing experiments with Spike on the properties of reptilian mating rituals,>>>
Dash would wish to observe... and perhaps participate as a volunteer... for science, of course! Totally not hot dragon-pony sexx0rz.
>>>only to find out the Cutie Mark Crusaders had brought in some unknown creature and tried cooking (it).>>>
With that one little addition, the entire sentence takes on a gruesome new meaning! "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS CANNIBALS!!! YAY!!!"
>>>None of the inns, so far as I can remember, have any spare rooms, what with that convention in town,” >>>
And, lo, Empress Celestia sent forth word to all the cities that all Equestria was too be taxed (to pay for her bloated cake budget). The Schnitzel went forth to Ponyville to be taxed. And Schnitzel was heavy with child, but there was no room in the inn. So after Fluttershy gave him a place in the manger at her cottage, and 3 days of excrutiating labor, Schnitzel gave birth to his firstborn son, Tom the Boulder (holy hell that had to hurt!).
Then 3 CMC's from the East came bearing gifts to Sedimentary Savorior; a hoof-full of bits, burnt orange juice, and tree sap.
(Scchnitzel reads, "Radda RADDA?!!"
)
Well, it's seasonally appropriate anyways!
3609794 Whoops again! Thank you for pointing that out. Here, have some mustache:
3607041 And may I ask, why is that? I'm been driving myself crazy trying to keep up with both college and my writing. I would hope you'd all understand that writing is my hobby, not my life.
I did enjoy Chowder while it lasted...
Maybe this could be worth a read.
ROFL DUDE ROFL but all in all please just let this be a side project it is good but your others have more meat and what not
Pervert Twi is best twi
Radda Radda Radda!
3611228 Done and done.
Oh my god, this is twelve different kinds of great.
...Radda?
Radda raddara!
Rad-da rad-da radddaaa!
3612492
Blarg blarg honk
This is the greatest story on Fimfiction.
Continue.
I got it. It made me lol. It's either a reference to the show, or one of my fucked up nightmares, I can never remember...
Best story ever. One concern though, it's revealed in one episode that Schnitzel can speak English.
Also, why use plastic sheets for Uni-drake mating?
3614560 You don't want to get the floor dirty, do you?
3614828 Well true, but why plastic? Wouldn't plastic be uncomfortable?
3614899 Well, you could just throw it away afterwards. In a biohazard container. Although, I don't know how it'd feel. Maybe it's actually quite excellent?
Wow, I wish that Shnitzel can catch a break soon...
3613903
Wow tucker wow, just had to have a kid with the alien
Rada rada
3609839
If the CMC make them they'll do worse than kill you.
3615170
Have you seen the show at all? He can never catch a break, and that's why he's the best character (with Mung Daal in a close second with his moustache).
3619922
Actually, I've only seen a few episodes when I visit my Grandma's house I never really see much of it.
I know that the show is funny but I know next to nothing about the characters.
3619973
Well Shnitzel is basically the voice of reason that no one listens to, and gets pissed off regularly because of it.
3619979
Ah, well I didn't know that.
Am I the only one who imagined Twilight sideswiping the golden hammer across Schnitzel's face for the third reactivity test?
Spike got cock blocked by the CMC!?
that actually made me angry! 
i hope you make it up to the little guy later
You managed to catch my attention with the first chapter!
And now you've managed to to kill it with this one.
You took an interesting story idea and just murdered it by shoveling in meta jokes and general OOCness of some characters.
Bloody hilarious, if a bit... Yeah... Spike and Twilight... Oh God why... Poor Schnitzel stuck in a world full of female Ponies, too many female Ponies...