So, after we talked, there was lunch. Not a single piece of meat. I thought I could deal with it but, in all honesty, I think it was a small miracle I didn’t end up looking for some. No idea how well that would have gone.
Didn’t help that there was this pompous little shit who thought that he was entitled to everything. Oh, I scared him all right. I scared that little fuck shitless.
“You did not have to say that to him!”
“He had it coming!”
The guards could only look on in a mix of confusion and amusement as the Princess of the Night stormed out into the courtyard, the strange biped following after her hurriedly. “You had no right to say those things!”
“Half of your guards looked like they were ready to buy me a drink!”
The cause of their falling out was that the Courier had verbally assaulted Prince Blueblood. It had all started when the prince had tried to have Thomas forced from the dining hall. His response had been “Well I want a brahmin steak, a bottle of wine and a girl from the Gomorrah, but we don’t always get what we want.” That did not go over well.
By the time it was over, Thomas had not only threatened to sodomise the prince with his own horn, he had also said something about shoving a radscorpion poison gland down his throat, force-feeding him broken glass and gouging his eyes out with his bare hands. Those four threats had been the tamest. Blueblood’s ‘threats’, if they could even be called such, were met with callous laughter. What was said next made the young noble’s blood run cold and bowels loosen, quite literally in the case of the latter. “Don’t aggravate the predator. Especially when you look so fat and delicious.” What had made it worse was the way the Courier then licked his lips hungrily and wiped away non-existent drool.
“I am sure if they knew what you said they would not feel that way!”
“Maybe not!” the Courier replied. “But that pompous ass had no reason to yell at that pony for getting his drink wrong!”
“That...” Luna let out an aggravated sigh. “That may be, but what you said was still excessive. And inexcusable.”
“Excessive, yes. Inexcusable?” He caught up to her, doing his best to keep away from her deadly tail. “The way he acted, it was just like how I saw the Legion soldiers act around their slaves. That’s the kind of thing I don’t stand for.”
“I see no point in arguing, but I should let you know that the palace staff are well paid, especially those who have to deal with him on a regular basis,” Luna said, coming to a stop by one of the statues that dotted the gardens. “You need not concern yourself with them.”
“Fine.” He came to a stop next to her and looked at the statue, a mare holding up a flag. “Maybe saying I would eat him was a bit much,” he conceded.
Luna rolled her eyes. “I’m surprised you came to that conclusion yourself.”
“No need to insult me,” Thomas said unhappily. “Not like I would eat him, anyway. Too close to cannibalism, if you ask me.”
“Is that so?” Luna asked, an eyebrow raised and curiosity piqued.
“He can talk, he can make his own decisions, and he can decide whether or not to act like a complete asshole.” Luna gave him a flat stare for that last comment. “Besides, I bet he’d be all stringy. I like my meat tender.”
Luna shook her head, amazed at how distasteful the man’s sense of humour was. It was completely at odds with what had happened barely an hour ago. Almost as if... “How?” she asked.
“Huh?”
“How do you do it? From what you have told me, you must surely be suffering from the burden you carry. Yet you remain so jovial and optimistic. How?”
The Courier sighed. “Oh, I’m suffering. Will for the rest of my life. But, I have something to live for. To fight for. Maybe I can redeem myself. Maybe I can’t. Either way, I’m gonna try.” He spied a bench not far from where they were. “Mind if I sit down? My knee is killing me.”
“Of course.” Luna followed him to the bench and lay on it, taking up most of the space. There was enough space for Thomas to sit on the end. “If I may ask, what do you fight for?”
“Vegas. That shining oasis in the middle of the Mojave Desert. A place to relax, have fun and forget all your troubles. Until the journey home and you realise you don’t have enough money. The sights, the sounds, the girls.” He let out a somewhat lecherous smile at that last one. “I live with what I did, and I try to balance out my karma. All I can really do.”
“Karma? What is that?” the princess asked, never having heard the word before.
“Karma is... Hm. Gimme a moment.” He brought a hand to his chin and reclined as he tried to think of the best way to put it. “Karma is like... cosmic justice. You do good things, good things happen to you. You do bad things and bad things will happen instead.” He shrugged. “Pretty simple stuff.”
Luna made a small grunt as she considered what he had said. There was truth to what he said, and in a way he had no idea of. The natural magic of the world, different to the manipulatable kind utilised by unicorns and alicorns, had a way of ‘knowing’ what was happening. It wasn’t uncommon for bad luck to visit those who had wronged others deliberately, and for good fortune to come to someone who needed it. It was quite likely that his world had something similar.
“Princess Luna! Courier!” They both turned to see a familiar lavender unicorn approach them.
“Twilight Sparkle! Come, join us,” Luna said with a gentle smile, gesturing for her to come closer.
“Hey there,” the Courier said, waving lazily at her.
“My brother was looking for you,” Twilight said when she got closer, looking more than a bit concerned.
“Oh great,” Thomas muttered. “What’s this about?”
“Apparently, Prince Blueblood wants you thrown out the castle, and he wants to know why he shouldn’t do what the prince says,” Twilight answered.
“He will stay as my personal guest,” Luna responded, standing up. “Inform Shining Armor that Blueblood is to come to me if he wishes to complain further.”
“Yes, Princess,” the mare said. “Why does he want you gone, anyway?”
“I threatened to eat him.” Twilight blinked before snickering at the Courier’s response.
“That was kinda funny.”
“He did make that threat, Twilight Sparkle.” With those seven words, her expression went from mildly amused to heavily disgusted. “He has no intention of doing such a thing,” the midnight alicorn said reassuringly.
“Still...” Twilight said, the disgust on her face.
“Like she said, I ain’t gonna actually do it. I’m pretty sure the guards would hear the sounds of bloody murder and smell me cooking him if I tried,” he said with a chuckle. “What?” he asked when he noticed the pair of flat stares the mares were giving him.
Anyway, it was about a week after I got there, I think? The lack of meat played hell with me. I’m amazed I didn’t try and kill one of the little birds I saw flying around the gardens.
Right, sorry. The rest of the girls, y’know, Twilight’s friends? Well, Celestia invited them to dinner or something. Just a private thing, too, none of those other idiot royals. Oh god, they were worse than the bureaucrats in the NCR! I felt like strangling half of them!
The Courier was lying face-down on the bed he had been provided, trying to actively purge the last three hours from his memory. He wasn’t having much success.
“Is he okay?” Twilight Sparkle asked, sounding concerned.
The guardspony next to her looked a little worried too, though there was a little awe mixed in. “He spent the afternoon with some of the Princesses’ councillors. I’m amazed he’s still conscious.”
“Never have I felt so much like murdering something,” they heard him mutter into his pillow.
“What did he say?” the guard asked.
“Nothing important,” Twilight said quickly as she pushed past the armoured pony, levitating a paper bag behind her. “Mister Courier? Are you - ”
“Please tell me there will be alcohol,” he asked desperately, cutting her off.
All Twilight could do was blink at that. “Uhh, Princess Celestia said something about wine, but - Eeep!” Thomas had, without any warning, jumped up from the bed and landed on the floor with the speed and agility of a cat, causing Twilight to trip over her own hooves in an attempt to get away. “What was that for!?” the unicorn asked loudly from her place on the floor.
“Because now I have something to look forward to!” he exclaimed loudly. “I can finally - ” The Courier cut himself off mid-rant as he took in the mare properly. “Is that a dress?”
Twilight Sparkle brushed herself off as she stood up. “Well it is a formal dinner,” she replied smartly. She was wearing a simple dark blue dress, lacking in the way of frills and adornments. It had taken her a whole hour to convince Rarity that simplicity was best in this case. There was still the rather dazzling necklace, but that was the only concession she had made. “Do you like it?” she asked.
“Yeah, it’s nice,” he said, suddenly feeling a little self-conscious. “I get the feeling showing up in dirty pants and a duster stained with my own blood is a bad idea,” he said uneasily.
“That shouldn’t be a problem,” Twilight replied, ignoring the comment about blood. She pulled something out of the bag and set it on the bed. “Rarity made these for you. She had to guess on the measurements, though.”
He picked up one of the items and let out a low whistle. “This... is a nice jacket.” The jacket in question was a deep, rich black. It had a pair of tails that would go down to his knees, diamond cufflinks and a pair of buttons for the front. There was also a white shirt, a pair of equally black pants and even a belt, though it was clear that it wasn’t leather. “All I need now is a top hat and a cane,” he commented. Then he frowned. “Of course, then I’d look like one of those nutjob cannibals at the Ultra-Luxe,” he muttered.
Author’s Notes:
I promised some Blueblood abuse, so there you go.
Awesome as always.
Yesh, Yesh, thish pleashesh me.
I wonder how the dinner will go....
Also, first!
Xd I Love This Kind Of Humor
Blueblood abuse > Everything else
Great chapter I loved it
AND BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR ANOTHER EXITING ADVENTURE OF ME, THOMAS "COURIER" AND MY STALWART DISPLACER GLOVE "PUSHY"
ahem...
*Thumbs Up*
SECOND!
(Probably as close to first as I will get.)
I gift you my Lincoln Repeater for this amazing work!
Nice chapter. I wish I could add Blueblood in my story...but that will take my story way out of context. Oh well. Keep up the great work.
I gift you sir, a minigun. Its a LASER minigun. And its all yours, free. justpayshippingandhandling.
Cool chapter, loved the abuse!
Ha! Bueno.
865988
A Lincoln Repeater is nothing!
I think you need to give Tony the "Action Abe Action Figure!"
Then you can show your true support!
assets.diylol.com/hfs/4a0/341/1bb/resized/pinkie-pie-smile-meme-generator-mooooooore-d-24fb27.jpg
Iza gona eat you Blueblood!
blueblood.....the one charactor noone would mind being killed in a violent and deranged manner......
I saw this on the featured, and the first thing that popped into my mind was, "No fucking way... FINALLY!" Epic story and epic abusal of blueblood, keep it up.
One update...INSTA FEATURE BACK ON THE FEATURE BOX FOR the.... I-DONT-EVEN-KNOW TIME
Also nice little abuse there fitting with everything around the courier
FINALLY! hehehe *squee* (boom!)
*me* Oh hi Pinkie.
*Pinkie* Hi
*me* I was wondering, what's in that cupcake you're holding
*Pinkie* Oh it's a cupcake I made with Prince Blueblood.
*me* In it?
*Pinkie* Yep
*me* *hugs Pinkie* He was getting on everypony's nerves.
Yeah I live in Equestria, so what of it?
And now I'm going to barf and ly down unconscious.
loved this chapter good one
This chapter was so full of plain awesomeness i got overdosed, now i'm going to lay down on the floor violently kicking, slaming and foaming,
Blueblood = fag. nuff said
Blueblood abuse? BUCK YEAH!
No matter where a char comes from there is a single constant with them......they all HATE HATE HATE HHHHHHHHAAAATTTTTEEEE Blueblood and the other stuck up nobles in Canterlot.
Yes I went Kefka with my hate...... i55.tinypic.com/ifq69z.jpg
Brilliant!
I can't wait for some Blueblood abuse
I have never felt better about being human!
Can't wait for the dinner. Write fast!
Wonderfully done lad.
And what of the Changelings?
They think they have an army?
Pft... I can't wait to see them blown to bloody chunks.
so....... where in the time line did the courier show up at??
One day Blueblood. ONE. DAY. *starts sharpening his steak knife*
KARMA
The thing that does the stuff.
I have an idea, spontaneous super mutant (aka. Nightkin). Granny needs to take her pills honey.
This story is so much fun, and it's nice to imagine the look of abject terror on Blueblood's face when he got threatened. I have to ask, does Thomas have the Terrifying Presence perk? Cause I think I have been sensing it in a few conversation. That or it is all in my imagination
>all I need now is a top hat and a cane
Don't forget the monocle...
who is the courier
im sure when the courier finds that changling, he'll... TEAR HIM A NEW HOLE YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i140.photobucket.com/albums/r13/queen_starshine/Vinyl_clapping.gif
Yay Blueblood abuse!
Another excellent chapter. I'm probably (and hoping I am) wrong. But, do I sense some Luna/Thomas shipping in the works? Just can't help but wonder considering how she seems to be the most common character for him to interact with and it seems to be one on one each time.
My only regret is the lack of Thomas kicking the holy batsh*t out of Blueblood. Celestia knows he deserves it. I could see how that would get in the way of the storyline having to sort out the following legal trouble though.
MOAR!!!! MOAR, I say!
Tony, take this Alien Blaster and the 1000 Power Cells for it.
Oh man,dat Blueblood abuse.
Great chapter,keep it up!
Still going in the right direction. Keep going.
This is a great chapter. The courier has a very dark sense of humor. It's hilarious.
865970
Dashwood is awesome. I listened to all the episodes.
Fancy Courier? Fancy Courier.
Awesome.
868010
They've already met. It was pretty early on.
How long will this story be? Like is it going to be a full-fledged epic (more than 50 chapters) or is it coming to an end pretty soon? I'm intrigued by this story's humor but fear that it will end abruptly.
868579
I HAVE NO IDEA!
I have an end planned, but the journey I'll take to get there is still a mystery to me. After all, it's not the destination that matters.
868585
Well, I hope this stays as funny as it is or gets even funnier. :rainbow laugh: Also, you ever wonder what would've happened if you changed it from just the Courier to the Lone Wanderer being there with him?
As a mare once said, "The fun has been doubled!"
This story gets better and better. I want MOARRRR!!!
I feel the chapters are too short