This story takes place in a small town in Equestria called "Ponyville" When a mysterious colt has terrible nightmares, about falling, and fire. Suddenly a soothing voice of a kind, and sweet yet very shy mare, awakens him from his hell. But when he awakens he has no recollection of who he is or where he came from. The only thing he can think of is the beautiful face of his savior from his hellish nightmare. Will he ever remember his past, and why does he continue to have the same nightmare!
Chapters (1)
So far, so good...
I like the basical idea, so I´ll track it.
Your way of writing also isn´t the worst, though I found some things that could have been better:
The majority thing, that bothers me, is that you don´t write 'Catcher'´s speaks as direct discourse. It flows with the text and the descriptions and that makes it hard for me and others to sift out them.
The second thing are your big passages. Granted, my passages are sometimes also as big, but try to more structurate them. That makes it all clearer and easier to read. Just for example your second passage:
Original:
Once again I had the nightmare, falling, the screams, the heat, the pain, and the roaring and the orange flames scared my dream world, only to hear the same soothing voice that calmed the horrors in my mind."Wakey, wakey I hope I'm not being rude by waking you up from you slumber, but it’s time for breakfast." As I heard the words of the mare, I jolted up breathing heavily, and my face and coat were drenched in sweat. I looked around to see the mare who had freed me from my hellish nightmare that I had again but she had vanished. Where did she go? I looked around the small home I was in, the sounds of birds and other animals filled the room, there were small cages everywhere but no animals in them, instead they were roaming around like it was their home as well. As I observed the room I noticed something had been shaking inside of the fire place, it was the yellow mare trembling. Hay it’s okay to come out I won’t hurt you. I said in a calm voice. Listen, I'm sorry if I scared you so please come out...please. I pleaded. She had stopped shaking, but she didn't come out. “Really?” Her voice echoed inside the fireplace. I promise. I said trying to gain her trust. “Pinkie promise?” Said the mare in the chimney. Pinkie what? I said with confusion. "You know." She began, "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Uh okay? I repeated the promise. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye? When I finished, the yellow pony zoomed towards me. I had been lying on the couch, it seems like I had an ice pack on my head, and when I jolted up it fell onto my stomach. "Are you feeling any better, you passed out after I found you in the Everfree forest. You seemed badly hurt so I brought you to my house to help you get back in tip top shape. I'm Fluttershy, what’s your name." Nice to meet you Fluttershy. My name is...Suddenly I was stricken by a pain in my head. My name is...is. The pain grew stronger as I tried harder to remember...I...I don't know, I don’t remember.
My way:
Once again I had the nightmare, falling, the screams, the heat, the pain, the roaring and the orange flames! These horrors in my mind scared my dream world, only to be calmed by the same soothing voice.
"Wakey, wakey! I hope I'm not being rude by waking you up from your slumber, but it’s time for breakfast..."
As I heard the words of the mare, I jolted up, breathing heavily. My face and coat were drenched in sweat. I looked around to see the mare who had freed me from my hellish nightmare, but she had vanished. Where did she go? I looked around the small home I was in.
The sounds of birds and other animals filled the room. There were small cages everywhere but no animals in them. Instead they were roaming around like it was their home as well. As I observed the room I noticed something had been shaking inside of the fire place. It was the yellow mare, trembling.
"Hay it’s okay to come out. I won’t hurt you..." I said in a calm voice. "Listen, I'm sorry if I scared you so please come out. Please..." I pleaded. She had stopped shaking, but she didn't come out. “Really?” Her voice echoed inside the fireplace. "I promise." I said trying to gain her trust. “Pinkie promise?” Said the mare in the chimney. "Pinkie what?" I said with confusion. "You know." she began, "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." "Uh...okay?..." I repeated the promise. "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." When I finished, the yellow pony zoomed towards me.
I had been lying on the couch. It seems like I had an ice pack on my head, and when I jolted up it fell onto my stomach. "Are you feeling any better? You passed out after I found you in the Everfree forest. You seemed badly hurt, so I brought you to my house to help you get back in tip top shape! I'm Fluttershy, what’s your name?" "Nice to meet you Fluttershy. My name is..." Suddenly I was stricken by a pain in my head. "My name is...is..." The pain grew stronger as I tried harder to remember "...I...I don't know! I don’t remember!"
The next thing: You tend to write long sentences wit much commas. Try to separate them a little bit. I already did it a little bit in the example. Also some question and exclamation marks could be there. They make the dialog...livelier, if you want so.
The fourth thing I recognized: You sure meant flour. Fluttershy was covered in flour, not in flowers, right?
And the last thing are these sentenses:
It was a nice day, the wind blowing through my dark brown mane, and the wheat colored feathers of my wings which still ached. Made me feel almost as if everything were perfect.
I really had to read it more than twice and I think, I got, what you meant:
It was a nice day. The wind, blowing through my dark brown mane and the wheat-colored feathers of my wings, which were still aching, almost made me feel like everything would be perfect.
You see, there lies some work ahead, but all in one, I still like the theme of your story and see great potency in your writing abilities.
All you need is some practice.
DUDE! thanks alot my vocabulary isnt the best i know, but im new at writting stories, and i was never really the best person in my english class.
hay if you dont mind could you possibly edit my story for me
since im so bad at writting?