Comet stared at the stars, the festivities of the night still swirling in his head like green water in a basin. The light left his night-vision damaged, but the longer he stared, the more he could see. Autumn was one of his favorite times for constellations. Andromeda, Cassiopeia, the Triangulum, all the big-shots were out tonight. He found that many of them were referenced in Zecora's book, or at least the stars that made them were used differently. It made him wonder about all the different constellations that could be made with the stars out there. A sigh escaped his lips as he got comfortable on his roof.
"'Tis beautiful, is it not?" Comet jumped to find that he was not alone. The allicorn that was with Twilight Sparkle at the festival sat next to him. But, that meant...
"P-princess?"
"Luna, if you please." She looked at him, dark eyes aglow in the night.
"Alright. Luna. What can I do for you?" Comet was afraid he was in trouble. She seemed young physically, but spoke like someone who was very, very old. It disoriented Comet. How did she know him?
"Twilight Sparkle told me thou appreciated our night as much as she did. We wanted to see for ourselves." Again with the unicorns and the mind reading. Comet began to feel he should seriously start a study on this or something.
"I've always wanted to meet you, myself. I do love the night. When I heard you wanted it to be night eternally, I actually didn't mind all that much." He laughed, but realized he was talking to the wrong person about it. He shut his mouth and looked away, unsure of what exactly to say. If there was anything farther out of his league, it was royalty. After a pause, Luna spoke.
"May we ask thou a question?"
"Of course, your excellence. Luna, I mean. Ask me anything."
"Wouldst thou live in the night if thou could?" Comet hadn't thought about it before. It was always how his day started, and how it ended.The alpha and omega, so to speak. The highlights of his day.
"Is that an invitation?" She turned to look at him, the cold in her eyes suggesting that another joke would make her leave. He tried approaching it a different way. "Although I do love the night, I'm not sure what I would do if it was there all the time. I would get used to the beauty if it was always there, you know?"
"Twilight Sparkle said the same thing." Luna thought carefully about his words. "You share a lot with her. Perhaps thou art making a mistake." Comet raised an eyebrow and turned to look at her.
"Mistake, Luna?"
"Although those who share the most in common with us are the most difficult to live with, they are always the most loyal of companions." Comet could tell she was speaking from experience.
"I'm not sure I understand." He didn't know royalty ever beat around the bush.
"We can see Twilight Sparkle dost care about thou. We find it unwise to ignore one such as her." Comet said nothing. Did he do something wrong, by seeing the Nightmare Night with Cupid?
"Cupid is just a friend, Luna. I don't mean to neglect Twilight Sparkle by spending an evening with Cupid."
"We doubt Twilight Sparkle understands that." She stood to leave. "We are glad to have met you. It makes me glad to see someone who appreciates our work." The mix of traditional and old-fashioned speak confused Comet. "We wouldst like to speak to thou again." She stepped off his roof with a powerful flap of her ebony wings. A dark chariot waited below. Her servants, no longer in costume, were at her beck and call to leave. She made it so, and disappeared into the night, leaving a bright flash across the half-moon. What a treat. Comet slept well that night, having met one of the most important figures in all of Equestria because she felt like it.
Comet was awoken the following morning by Rudolph, ready for work. Half awake, Comet ushered him into his house.
"S-sleep well, s-sir?" Rudolph wore no bandages, but still had his wings clipped down with braces, preventing flight. He must have walked all the way here.
"Like a baby. Princess Luna visited me last night." He beamed. Rudolph didn't find that to be very exciting, considering that he saw her a number of times at Nightmare Night. After a minute or so, Comet realized this, and they got to work. After calibrating and cleaning the instruments, they took some readings, and Comet explained their meaning and thought process. Rudolph obediently took notes and observed, giving his input when applicable. The Everfree Forest yielded nothing exciting for them today. It was overcast. Just like it was everywhere. The humidity suggested that rain was unlikely, and the thickness and cloud makeup inclined that it would be that way all day. Report filed and ready to be sent off for the day, they wrapped up just in time for Comet's brunch.
They walked back to Ponyville together, the town just waking for the day's adventures.
"Got any special plans today, Rudolph?"
"N-not really. J-just th-th-therapy." Comet nodded. Rudolph was spending most of his money on expensive physical therapy. He hoped that, with training, he could fly with proficiency without hurting himself. It was only his first or second lesson, and so far it was just leaving him sore and worked. He knew it was better than doing nothing, however.
"Ah. Sounds... tiring, actually." They laughed together. Once or twice, Rudolph stumbled on the way down the hill, but Comet was there to keep him up. Comet hoped that Rudolph knew that all of their friends were there to keep him up. They got down into the morning bustle of Ponyville, and Rudolph turned to head back home.
"S-see you t-tomorrow, s-sir."
"Anytime you wanna hang out, Rudolph, you know where to find me."
"Al-alright." He grinned. Comet cringed when Rudolph walked into a cart while looking the other way. What a lug. A fun guy, but still a lug. The waitress had a seat waiting for Comet when he got there. Pancakes, orange juice, fresh fruit, the works were laid out before him. Comet's stomach rumbled like a deep pit. He grinned when the waitress laughed. They sat and talked while Comet ate.
"Enjoying the easy life?" Comet nodded, swallowing a third of a pancake.
"Everything I've wanted to do, I have nailed down. It's great." The waitress looked around, checking to see if anyone was listening
"Have you heard the latest juicy bit? It involves you."
"Does it now? What's the word?"
"I heard down the grapevine that your family hunted you down after the celebration at the defeat of Discord. They are supposed to be reaching Ponyville, today!" Comet chocked on an orange slice, spraying small orange bits all over the table.
"What?! Who all knows this? Why don't I know?"
"A few people I imagine. I pick up these things eavesdropping, you know." Who in town knew so much about Comet that they knew when his parents would show up in town? Comet shook the thought out of his mind; it wasn't important right now.
"This is bad, this is very bad..." If Comet's parents found out that he was falling in love with unicorns... he shuddered at the thought. They wouldn't understand.
"What's so bad about it? Dancer is gonna love your new place." Comet stopped for a second.
"You... you know my mother?" The waitress giggled.
"Of course. Who doesn't? She's pretty famous herself, Comet."
"Forgive me if I don't keep up with the innermost circles of librarians." Comet was becoming more and more curious about his friend from the restaurant. Who was she, exactly?
"Comet!" He jumped and turned around to find that Rainbow Dash was looking for him.
"There's a group of earth-ponies looking for you. Are they your family?" Comet rubbed his hooves over his eyes. This was a nightmare. And he could honestly say he knew a Nightmare now. He put a napkin down in his food, leaving a generous tip as always.
"Now, or never I suppose." As Comet walked with Rainbow Dash, he started thinking to himself. A voice in him questioned his thought process. What was the big deal? His parents were awesome. He thought about how proud his dad would be to see that he was living his dream. As long as they didn't find out about his preferences, there would be nothing to worry about. When he saw the crowd at the village entrance, his fears melted. Comet recognized the ponies that walked down the street instantly.
"Leaflet!" Dancer was first to notice him. They collided in the street in a colossal hug. She was accompanied by her husband, Dasher, Comet's brother Prancer, his sister, Vixen, and his sister's boyfriend, Blitzen. Blitzen didn't join in on the group hug; he was distracted by the pegasus that had accompanied Comet to his parents.
"Dash." Vixen broke out of the hug when she heard the name. Her eyes narrowed.
"Hey Blitzen." Rainbow Dash landed on the ground and eyed the earth-pony next to him, "Who is this?"
"I'm Vixen." Comet's sister puffed herself out as far as she could, "And I know all about you, Rainbow Dash."
"From who?" She gestured to the white pegasus she associated with, "This show-pony? He doesn't know a thing about me!"
"As if, Rainbow Crash. I used to know you better than anybody." A puff of hot air shot out of Rainbow Dash's nostrils.
"Guys!" Comet got between them. "Do we have to do this right now? We haven't been in town for five minutes, and we're already starting fights?"
"I'm not sure, Comet," Blitzen's gaze narrowed. "Are we doing this right now?"
"I could beat you any time, anywhere." Rainbow Dash pawed the dirt, as if she would charge headfirst into the white pegasus. Comet had never seen this side of Rainbow Dash before. Her eyes burned, her nostrils flared, and Comet was legitimately afraid of what she would do to Blitzen. After knowing both of them, he knew Blitzen couldn't hold a candle to her in terms of sheer speed or technique. Brute force was an entirely different matter, however. This was still rapidly growing into a situation, and Comet got in-between the two of them.
"Honest as the stars? Can it. Both of you. Rainbow Dash, go get Rudolph and the gang. Blitzen, watch it." Blitzen turned to look away from Rainbow Dash as she shot off toward town, faster than she needed to. Unsure of how to approach the scenario, Dancer tried to cheer everyone up.
"Why don't you show us around Ponyville, Leaflet? It seems so... rustic." She was disconcerted at the small scene Vixen's companion had made, but wanted to see her son's accomplishments more than anything.
"Out of all the places to settle down," Dasher grinned at his son, "You really picked a winner, kid."
"Speaking of which..." Prancer grabbed Comet around the neck and ruffled his mane, "Have you picked a winner, yet? Some homey village girl?"
"Prancer!" He cringed and let his sibling go at the stern tone in his mother's voice. She smiled though, "Don't use 'homey' like it's a bad thing. I'm sure she's very pleasant." Although she was giving her best effort, Comet was not amused.
"I don't have a girlfriend, mom."
"Of course, of course," Dasher knew his son better than that. It obviously meant that he had someone in mind, but didn't want them to know about it. "But what are we sitting around for? Let's check out this Ponyville."
They walked into town, Comet answering the flood of questions that his family had for him. Yes, everything he needed he could get in town. Yes, he had plumbing and electricity. No, he didn't know any of the neighboring villages besides Canterlot and Cloudsdale. No, he cooked for himself when he got hungry. Yes, he knew enough people in town to---
"Twilight Sparkle!" Comet had never have been happier to see his beautiful purple friend. "Everyone, this is Twilight Sparkle. Head librarian of Ponyville, and one of my closest friends." His introduction left her pink with embarrassment. "This is Dasher and Dancer, my parents, my brother and sister Prancer and Vixen, and Vixen's... friend, Blitzen." He didn't want to brew another argument.
"Charmed." She smiled and greeted the group.
"Glad to see you are getting along in the world, dear." Dancer was happy to see her again.
"Likewise, Dancer." Comet had forgotten that Twilight knew his mother from her time in Canterlot's libraries.
Rainbow Dash then produced the rest of Comet's friends for him to introduce. She landed next to Rudolph, making special attention to never make eye contact with Blitzen.
"This is Spike, Twilight's assistant." Spike grinned. He observed that all of Comet's relatives were assorted shades of grey.
"This is Rarity, proprietor of the Carousel Boutique." Rarity gave a small curtsy. Vixen's eyes grew wide with astonishment. The Rarity lived in this little town?
"This is Fluttershy, our animal caretaker." She hid behind the group when Prancer gave her a small wink.
"This is Pinkie Pie." He put a hoof over her mouth before she could say anything. After a short while, she began vibrating, unable to vent her excitement any other way. "We'll be joining her for a small welcoming party this evening." She nodded vigorously.
"This is Rudolph, my personal assistant and good friend." Although Rudolph was happy to meet Comet's family, Rainbow Dash's reaction made him uneasy.
"And this is---"
"Cupid!" Dancer finished his sentence for him, rushing over to her. "How are you, dear? Glad to see you finally settled down." Cupid grinned sheepishly.
"Thanks, Dancer. It's nice to see you again."
"And last, but most certainly not least, I'd like to introduce Applejack, the owner of Sweet Apple Acres."
"Howdy, all." Applejack nodded to each of them, smiling. Dancer approved of this last one. Comet could use someone in his life that kept him busy physically as well as mentally.
"Everyone, I'd like to introduce my family. Dasher and Dancer, my parents." His parents bowed and curtsied in unison.
"My brother and sister, Vixen and Prancer." They both appeared to be very excited to be here, for entirely different reasons, Comet was sure.
"And lastly, Vixen's friend, Blitzen." He puffed out his chest at the mention of his name. The group observed that he looked astonishingly like a royal guard in his proud pose..
"And this is Ponyville, my new home." They all watched in wonder as Comet, with the assistance of his friends, accurately labeled all of the landmarks and important locations in Ponyville. They spent a good hour of their time wandering the village, saying their greetings to all of the other ponies on their way. The waitress was happy to see Comet enjoying himself with his family. Comet put in a reservation for dinner before the party at Pinkie Pie's. There was one last landmark Comet wanted to show them all before the tour ended. As they moved up the hill to Comet's house, Dancer eyed the Everfree Forest with unease.
"You work in there, Leaflet?" Cupid and Twilight Sparkle giggled at Comet's pet name. Comet ignored it.
"Not directly. Rudolph and I placed a mobile weather station in the forest, so we don't have to go hiking through it on a daily basis."
"I see..." Dancer still thought it seemed dangerous.
"It-it's p-perfectly safe, D-Dancer." Rudolph did his best to assure her. Comet was probably the best person Cloudsdale could have picked for the job, and there was no way they could get rid of him. When they got into Comet's house, we wasn't surprised to find the mixed reactions.
"Awesome..." Dasher was awestruck, to Comet's delight, "I'm so glad to see all the support you've gotten for this, son."
"It's... delightful, Leaflet." Comet wasn't surprised it was all a bit over his mother's head. "I'm just glad to see you doing something you love."
"I've never been in here before," Fluttershy was also amazed. "You know what all of these do?"
"Pretty amazing, isn't it?" Prancer grinned at Fluttershy, causing her to squeak and take refuge behind Rainbow Dash.
"Nice work, kid," Vixen and Blitzen gave their approval. With well over a dozen warm bodies in Comet's house, it was needless to say it was crowded and they didn't spend much time inside.
"Well, I'm sure our tour was enjoyable," Comet was struck by a good idea, "But I think everyone has their own ideas of what they specifically want to see in Ponyville. How about we disband for now, see the sights on our own time, and then rendezvous in the evening for dinner with a good friend of mine?" Cheers were had amongst the lot of them.
"I'd love see another one of your readings," Cupid was delighted to comply with Dancer.
"I'd best make sure your mother stays out of trouble." Dasher's comment was met with an elbow in the ribs, but he laughed nonetheless.
"I'd love to see the Carousel Boutique, Rarity." Vixen was twitching with excitement. Rarity already had a few ideas about dresses for this one.
"We have unfinished business, me and you." Blitzen eyed Rainbow Dash with a grin.
"Try me, show-pony, I could beat you with one wing tied behind my back."
"Or t-two." Rudolph chipped in. Rainbow Dash found confidence in the fact that Rudolph had her back.
"I'd like to see more of the animals." Prancer tried to find the cute yellow one behind Rainbow Dash, but she had disappeared. A squeak was heard amongst the crowd, and only Comet and his friends could tell it was in displeasure.
"Well, sounds like we all got someplace to be." Applejack decided it sounded like things were settled.
"I have a party to set up!" Pinkie Pie zoomed off for town before anyone could get a word in otherwise.
"Until dinner, then." Comet nodded in satisfaction. He was glad his family had all found things to look forward to in town.
With that, they separated, everyone going there separate ways for the afternoon ahead.
12 is finally up! It wasn't difficult to write, I just got really busy really fast. How dumb.
Given my success rate so far with calling chapters, I won't guarentee I'll have another tonight. I will work on it, and if everything plays out in my favor, considering it will be a fun chapter, I might have it up this evening (tomorrow morning)
On a side note, belay any spelling mistakes, please. On a laptop with no spell-check. When I get home, I'll have all of those spelling errors and little things taken care of.
Enjoy!
Ok! I am now fully caught up and I have one thing to say to you:
FIRST I want you to finish this story.
SECOND I want you to write 50 more things and improve on your writing style.
FINALLY I want you to comeback and rewrite this thing.
Not only do you give a great OC who actually fits in with ponyvill, but you also connect it to season 2 (and while that sometimes disrupts the writing flow, it's still a nice touch.) however, given the pacing of it all, it just feels...rushed. It like situations are presented and resolved in one chapter while it seems like it should have taken three to fully flesh out the emotions and actions of the situation. Also, I feel a small hint of Gary stu ism from the romance department. (though cupids occupation is a nice plot twist). So yeah...it's fantastic for an OC story but I think it needs to be 5 times as long unitary to be the best it could be (also note my standards are in comparision to the star system on equestria daily). So...rewrite it all when your done, make each chapter into 3 chapters and flesh it out more. Then I could almost promise 6 stars on equestria daily....bye~
@ TIP - o,o I had no idea I'm being addressed by EqD standards. I figured I broke four or five of the rules for EqD submissions so I didn't bother.
FIRST I have every intention of finishing. About half done at this point.
SECOND This is going to be part of a series so you can be assured there will be plenty more where this came from. And I imagine that when it comes to the point that characterization is no longer an issue, the styling will improve.
FINALLY Who in the name of Equestria is Gary Stu? Never heard of 'im. I wish I had the talent to stretch everything out as long as you (and I, in retrospect) wanted. I'm excited to see that I would be accepted at all on EqD. That's like, fanfic hard mode :3
I'm not sure if six stars is good, but I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and say AWESOME
Thanks so much for your feedback
I don't feel like writing a review right now. I'm actually supposed to be writing my rhetorical analysis essay right now so...I'll make this quick.
Just a few notes:
1. The more chapters I read the more I want Comet to be paired with with either Twilight or the Waitress. Preferably the Waitress.
2. Also why would Comet's parents be concerned about him falling in love with a unicorn if his sister is with a pegasus?
3. ...Pinkie Pie needs to be more random and or excited in this chapter. She just seems out of character...
4. You still better not pair off Fluttershy. Mark my words you shall pay if you do...
5. I'm surprised Applebloom hasn't been following Comet around lately. I miss her cuteness...
6. Some other 6th thing.
@ Rolix - I understand completely. Perhaps I should clarify a few things on your few notes:
1. The waitress. Interesting. I am kind of interested in seeing everyone's thought process in this regard.
2. I should go back and revise if it isn't clear that Comet's parents don't like earth-ponies marrying anyone other than earth-ponies. I need to go back and do some rewriting if that isn't apparent. I wanted it to be a major theme. His parents are about as dense as he is, and haven't realized Vixen and Blitzen are going out. I need to find a way to make that more apparent in the chapters that they make appearances.
3. IKR. Pinkie Pie is hard. I need to have my consultants be harsher on my Pinkie Pie characterizations. I've never been very good with specifically Makes me crazy because she has to be there.
4. I assure you, when Prancer discovers Fluttershy is a pegasus, he's gonna GTFO. It's just supposed to be funny, and make you feel bad for Fluttershy. Cuz meat-head Prancer is meat-head.
5. I seriously didn't realize that. Applebloom is going to be important next chapter, though. Her cuteness is actually pretty critical, now that I think about it.
6. I got the spelling and things fixed.
EqD has....submission guidelines?......wow.......anyways! Gary Stu is essentially a Male Marry Sue. Don't know what a marry sue is? It's why Twilight is a bad movie. The main character has little or no flaws, the opposite sex fall and swoon over them, he's the hero and he dosent have to work for it...yeah I suck at describing a Gary Stu...go look at TV Troops.com to get an accurate definition. Also he's a Gary stu in the fact that he doesn't seem to do any thing to attract twilight. Not to mention this feels a smudge too slice of life. Now I'm fine with slice of life as long as there is an underlying plot. Like how the grand galloping Galla was an underlying plot of season one. There was a main ending in mind. Also, the reason why I'm requesting it to be longer is due to the fact that most of this is rushed. In this chapter alone we got nightmare night, closure to Reds hospitalization (or was that last chapter?) and a family reunion oh and something about Twilight. My point is that those things all need to be their own chapter! You can exsplain more about red and how his life is around Ponyvill, you can exspand on lunas dialogue to further her small character development. It just feels like your scratching the surface of the emotions the conflicts bring right before resolving them and moving on! I just feel like I'm in a bus in Hollywood watching all these great and clever ideas go by while I take some pictures on a cheap camera phone! And even then your taking brilliant photos (running with the camera metaphor here) Hmm mabe I'm just expecting the quality from a seasoned writer...still....such a good story....wow I really ranted didn't I? And I'm on a mobile device....I need. Hobby.....
18452
Well Pinkie is easy you just need to...well you have to...she acts just like...Pinkie Pie? Seriously easy short cut (for me at least) don't keep her talking on the same subject for more than three lines and give her 20% more dialogue then any other single character in a conversation.
@ TTP - Gary-Stu makes me sad :( I did look it up on TV Tropes.
I didn't want Comet to be flawless... At this point, Comet... hasn't had the opportunity to show his flaws yet? Besides being dense? Does that make sense? I know where I'm going with this, it's just hard to explain...
I know the Twilight thing doesn't make a lot of sense yet. I believe I said before that the idea that it could be there needed to be there before so I could use it later. Not next chapter but one after that, I'm building on that. I think I mentioned before that it was a sloppy execution on my part. So yeah. I had no intention of that to be unconventionally spontaneous. Was never my intention...
On the subject of plot... I had to stop and think about what my underlying plot is, and unfortunately, I can't tell you what it is. Not because it doesn't exist, but because it is kinda... invisible right now. Hiding, so to speak. The farther we move along, I want my readers to realize something. It's a little thing right now, and some people have danced around it in their comments, but it's gonna be something... huge. Something... titanic and it won't make sense. At all. But as we move along, and it explodes right out in the ending, getting into the prequel, it'll all make sense. One of those things that you go back and look again and you say "Ooooooooooh" Like Fight Club. With less soap. And bloody teeth.
And, in all honesty, I know it's too short. The length has always been something that bothered me, but at this junction, I'm kind of just getting my feet wet with the premise of "writing about the same group of characters for longer than a page or two". In the prequel. it'll get a lot lot longer. I can do that.
PS The prequel is not about Comet. I'm kinda tired of him myself.
18469 Precisely. It made it easy for me to differentiate them from the actual characters in the story. That and names are hard :\
Really, really hard. Still don't have a name for the most important character in the story, it's so hard.
18473
Just do what I do with my OCs and put get a word to describe the OC then translate the word into another language. Preferably Latin.
18475 I... you know... That... is a good idea, actually.
Latin seems kinda overdone, though. :| No offense. Maybe something exotic... something I can twist around....
In lieu of recent events, I'm bringing down the prologue for some re-working. I have found that I can't think straight, in lieu of recent events. Wait, I already said that. Anyways. Expect a much longer, more in-depth zero-th chappy. Also probably gonna drop the whole "Comet's _" thing. Am Seriously running out of ideas. Look forward to that <3 I'll put the old prologue in a blog if you wanna see the changes. Nobody reads the blog neways.
I really need to start proof reading my own reviews...It looks really bad to review other people's stuff while having grammatical errors in your own review
22083
You act like you're obligated to write. No. You write because you want to. Whether we like it or not is simply a byproduct of the joy you get from writing. Take as long as you like. Creativity isn't something that should be forced upon ones self. In any case I wish you luck with your family life and it's good to hear from you again. In all honesty I was about to message Digit to see what was causing the delay.
You're late
I've been trying to get him to put up his next chapter but he seriously has not been in the mood for writing (maybe to busy playing Bayonetta or waiting for Skyrim). However I'll do my best to squeeze a chapter out of him, even if I have to come up some of the ideas (though I think he knows what he wants to write, just not how). I doubt it would be any later than Wednesday but I could be wrong.
No further explanation is needed. Skyrim is a suitable excuse.
It being a while is kind of an understatement at this point.
Let me first formally apologize. Again. Again. Again. Is there an echo in here?
I've been starved for words lately, as is apparent. It's difficult. The more I read, the less I write. I've been read 100%, write 0%, and I don't like it. Characterization is still hard, and the more I read, the more I know that I am immature as a writer and a brony. Neither of which making me feel better.
Anyways, I have gotten a grip on my story, and punched a hole in my writer's block. I'll start writing again in the morning.
Chapter will be up before lunch. It's gonna be a big patch-up. Explain a lot of things people have been asking about. Got some awesome Blitzen VS Rainbow Dash action. Also gonna establish the fact that Comet's parents are... definitely Comet's parents. It's a big day, and a big chap. I hope it can make up for all the patience I have forced everyone to swallow. I shan't be in vein, all y'all.
Know that I am still alive, and have just started writing again. Sorry again to keep everyone writing. I want to write, and that's what I'm gonna do.
Peace Out~
I'm probably not the first to say this but why not ship comet with the waitress or Zecora he's pretty close to both of them and he's already saved zecoras life and there both unexpected posiable plot twists that won't revive to much hate