I Killed Fiddy Men, Not Ponies

by LtMajorDude

THEY DID IT!

Cotton made up a list.

"Let's see...Rainbow Dash called Twilight an egghead, so she's a suspect. Pinkie Pie confuses Twilight, so she's a suspect. Rarity...eh...she's looks suspicious, thanks to her fancy manners. As for Applejack...um...well, she never takes Breaking Dawn seriously so she's on mah list. And for Fluttershy...well, sometimes the most innocent is the most dangerous."

Cotton smiled. "I have mah list. Now, to find a way to squeeze the truth..."

---

Mark's House

Mark was reading the book that he "borrowed" from Twilight.

All of a sudden, he heard some knocking on the door.

He opened the door and smiled. "Hey Derpy."

"Hey Mark. Got a letter." Derpy said as she gave him a letter.

"Thanks. Tell Dinky I said hi!"

Mark opened the envelope.

"Huh. It's a letter from...Celestia?"

Mark sat down as he read the letter.

Dear Mark,
You're welcome. It was an honor. Also, it's good to hear that Twilight and her friends still accept you.

Yours Truly,
Princess Celestia

Mark dropped his jaw as he read:

P.S.
Oh and there is a way you can personally thank me and Luna for giving a home for your friends. In five days, Luna will have a personal day off for herself. Do you mind watching after her that day?

Mark carefully reread the last part.

All of a sudden, he let out a giant "YES!" as he fell to the ground laughing and crying.

---

"Alright Rarity." Cotton said with a stern look. "Just confess, and all's will go well. Did ya take the book?"

Rarity started to whimper.

"I'm not gonna ask ya again," Cotton said with a furious look on his face. "Did ya steal Twilight's magic book?-!"

Rarity shook her head vigorously.

Without hesitating, Cotton started to tear Rarity's dresses, while she was tied to a chair and is forced to watch.

"No please stop! I didn't take it!"

Not believing her, he completely teared her new dress to shreds.

"Noooo!-!-!-!-!-!"

She soon passes out.

"I believe ya." Cotton said happily as he untied her.

"Let's see...who's next...Ah! I know..."

---

Fluttershy whimpered.

"PLEASE! DON'T DO IT!-!-!-!"

Cotton just yawned as he tightened Angel with his arms.

"PLEASE!-! PLEASE!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

"Then confess."

"BUT I DIDN'T TAKE TWILIGHT'S...!"

Cotton immediately bit off Angel's head off, red ooze coming out of Angel's neck and head.

Fluttershy screamed and collapsed, crying.

Cotton stared at her. "Well she didn't do it." He said to himself. "Hey Flutters. Stop crying. It wasn't even Angel. It's just a cake sculpture version of him. See? The blood's actually strawberry jam."

Fluttershy couldn't hear Cotton over her sobbing.

Cotton sighed. "Whatever."

He walked outside and approached Angel, who was tied up and gagged.

"The good news is yer being freed." Cotton said with a friendly smile.

Angel let out a relieved sigh.

"The bad news is that I asked Mr. Kahn to do it." Cotton said as his smile slowly turned to an evil grin.

Angel's eyes widen as Cotton left, chuckling.

---

"Hey Pinks. Thanks again for that Angel sculpture." Cotton said with a smile.

"No problemo." Pinkie Pie replied with a smile.

"Kinda makes me sad for doing dis to ya." Cotton said as he took out electric hand mixer and showed it to the tied up Pinkie Pie, who was, regardless of the situation she was in, smiling happily.

"Feel free to confess to me any time." Cotton said.

Cotton then turned the mixer on and shoved it on Pinkie's mane.

Despite the pain, Pinkie started giggling.

"Damn it Pinkie!" Cotton shouted as he took out the mixer from her mane."Yer girly mane done burned the motor! I'm gonna get the chocolate cake mix."

"YAY!"

After a half-hour of chocolate cake mix, a vacuum cleaner, and 20 cupcakes, Cotton gave up. Mostly because Pinkie seemed to enjoy the experience.

"OK." Cotton said as he panted heavily. "Ya didn't take it."

Cotton thought about who should he torture next.

"Hey Pinks. I heard ya go dis thing that let's ya fly. I need to go pay somepony a visit."

---

"DON'T. DO. IT."

Rainbow Dash gave Cotton a death glare.

Cotton just smirked and lit a match and walked up to a pile of Daring Do books.

"Don't think I'm scared to do this..." Cotton said quietly. "When mah boy and his friends got that new couch that was eventually stolen by Bill...I didn't think twice about throwing a match like this at the couch..."

"IF YOU WANNA LIVE," Rainbow Dash whispered as a serial killer would whisper to his victim, "DON'T BURN THEM..."

"The Japanese blew mah shins off. What are YOU gonna do?"

"DO NOT.."

"Oops." Cotton said with a smile as he dropped the match on top of the books.

Rainbow Dash let out a horrified scream and immediately formed a raincloud and let out rain on the books.

"Well. Yer innocent. That could only mean one thing..."

---

"Dag-nab-it Cotton!"

Applejack gave out a scowl.

Cotton just smirked as he waved Applejack's hat over a goat pen.

"Ya know how much I love that hat!" Applejack yelled.

"Exactly. Ya like that hat as much as Bloom loves her bow." Cotton said as he took out AppleBloom's red bow.

Applejack growled.

"Oh? And what's this? Could it be Big Macintosh's favorite doll, Smarty Pants?" Cotton said as he took out an ugly doll.

"DO NOT DO IT."

"Confess if ya value these things."

"I DID NOT...!"

"Chow time boys!" Cotton shouted as he threw the hat, doll, and bow in the goat pen.

Applejack screamed as the goats chewed on the hat, doll, and bow.

Cotton sighed and frowned. "Well, ya didn't do it...then who...?"

---

Twilight's House

Dale just simply crossed his arms as the Mane 6 started talking.

"Cotton's gone outta control!" Applejack shouted with an angry look on her face.

"Those were limited editions of Daring Do!" Rainbow Dash yelled.

"That dress cost a lot of gems!" Rarity yelled. Dried tears near her eyes were visible.

"He could have hurt Angel!" Fluttershy whispered loudly.

"I like how he got himself a whip." Pinkie Pie said with a smile.

Dale simply walked inside the closet.

"For some reason, all the girls think you did these things to them." Dale said as he lit his cigarette, lighting the dark closet and revealing Cotton.

Cotton narrowed his eyes and tightened his whip.

"Cuz I DID those things to 'em." Cotton hissed.

"Wait what?" Dale said with a surprised face.

"Clearly, I was wrong. They are guilty!" Cotton growled.

"I say we use that whip on him!" Rainbow Dash shouted.

That was enough for Cotton to hear.

"HALT!-!" Cotton shouted in a great voice as he bursted through the door. "ALL OF YOUSE ARE UNDER ARREST FOR LYING AND THREATENING A SHERIFF!-!-!-!"

"Lying?" Twilight asked.

"I thoughts they didn't stole yer book." Cotton said as he twitched his eye. "But clearly I was wrong. Thus, one of them DID STOLE YER BOOK!-! WHICH ONE OF YA HORS...oh hey Mark."

Mark froze. The girls looked at Mark. He had snuck in and was going to place a book on Twilight's table then leave.

"HEY!" Twilight shouted as she pointed at the book. "That's my book!"

Cotton blinked. "MARK?-! Yer the prime suspect?-!-?-!"

Mark sighed and bowed his head in shame. "Yeah. It was me. I thought Twilight didn't mind so...I kinda took it without noticing...sorry Twilight."

Twilight's angry look went away. "That's OK. Just ask next time. OK?" She said with a smile

Mark smiled back. "Thanks."

Rainbow Dash glared at Cotton. "So that means that you tortured us for nothing...?"

Soon the rest of the Mane 6 all glared at Cotton.

Cotton gulped. He had two choices. He could either apologize. Or...

"See ya."

Cotton immediately ran out of the door and as far away from Twilight's house.

Dale came out of the closet. "Anypony feeling deja vu? Or it's just probably me. I'm surprised that Kahn wasn't the one who did it."

Boomhauer walked in.

Everypony was shocked to see that he was covered his bruises and bandages.

"Oh god." Dale said. "What happened to ya."

"Well." Boomhauer said as he gave an angry frown. "Let's just goddang say that it was git old men who dang ol' fall over heels for god dang Berry, Carrot, and Colgate and a, I tell ya what, a VERY BAD COP...yo."

Author's Note:

Oh and check out my new story, I tell ya what, yo.

Comments

[Lag Incarnate]

Aww, poor Boomhauer...what?

[LtMajorDude]

3742672
What?

[Lag Incarnate]

3744911
Exactly, nothing wrong here. Though Boomhauer needs to sharpen his combat skills again.

[LtMajorDude]

3746681
LOL. He was never good at fighting.

[LtMajorDude]

In case if you're wondering why I haven't updated yet, let's just say high school is brutal .