• Published 8th Sep 2013
  • 5,299 Views, 163 Comments

The Twixie Show - Captain Lunar

Watch as Princess Twilight Sparkle and wife Trixie Lulamoon-Sparkle, deal with everyday life.

  • ...

Is it Safe?

It was a peaceful day in Ponyville. The sun was shining, the birds were singing. And two armies of ants were making peace.

"From this day forth, let it be known that Black Ants and Red Ants shall now live in harmony." Said the Black Ant leader.

"Yes, no longer shall we waste our lives in meaningless warfare." Said the Red Ant leader. Before the two leaders could shake hands, a giant beam of light shot down on them, knocking them away.

"This is your treachery! TO WAR!" Shouted the Black leader.

"I'll drink from your exoskeleton!" Roared the Red leader. Meanwhile, a blue unicorn was holding a magnifying glass in front of the sun and burning the poor ants.

"It's working! Soon, the Great and Powerful Trixie shall cast a spell that will cause the reflection of these ants to burn a whole through the sun!" Declared the blue unicorn. Just then Spike ran up to his adoptive sister-in-law.

"Trixie!" Spike yelled

"Hold up, Spike." Said Trixie, putting her hoof against the young dragon's mouth.

"The slightest misstep could lead to dire consequences!" Trixie said, as if she was talking about explosives. However, while she was talking, she unknowingly held the magnifying glass above her hoof, causing smoke to appear from it.

"But Scootaloo is throwing water balloons at me!" Spike said, crossing his arms.

"Oh, she probably has a crush on you or something." Trixie replied, trying to get back to the task at hand.

"Shut up! She does not!" Spike cried out in annoyance.

"Look, Trixie is in the middle of something very..." The unicorn started, before noticing his hoof was on fire.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Trixie cried as she danced around in pain. Two seconds later, a water balloon hit the flaming showmare, extinguishing the fire. The thrower was none other than Scootaloo. Trixie quickly rushed up to the orange filly.

"Scootaloo! You saved Trixie's life!" The unicorn said gratefully. The younger mare threw another water balloon at the showmare, hitting her right in the face.

"You know that last balloon could be taken as an insult." Trixie deadpanned. The unicorn was then struck yet again in the face by a water balloon.

"Okay, now Trixie's getting angry!" The blue unicorn growled out. Soon, both Trixie and Spike were pelted with a series of water balloons, as Scootaloo ran off.

"THIS MEANS WAR!" Trixie proclaimed.

Twilight sat in the library, having tea with Princess Luna. The two were discussing matters pertaining to their significant others.

"I swear once something sets Trixie off it's like pulling teeth to get her to let it go." Twilight sighed as he took a sip from her cup. Luna chuckled as she had a similar problem.

"I know what you mean. Chyrsalis does tend to let her temper get the better of her as well." The Princess of the Night said as she looked out the window. The princess saw none other than Trixie using a hose to fill up balloons with water, with Spike placing them in a wagon.

"Twilight, it seems your wife has found something to entertain her." Luna said as Twilight got a panicked look on her face. She quickly looked out the window. Seeing what Trixie was doing she gave a sigh of relief.

"Water balloons? Well at least it's not dynamite again." Twilight said as she took a sip of tea.

"Dynamite?" Luna asked as she cocked her head to one side.

"You don't wanna know."

Half an hour later, Scootaloo was busy filling up balloons with water, while Trixie and Spike were in the bushes observing her.

"Uh, Trixie?, I think you're taking this a little too seriously." The young dragon told the older pony.

"Quiet!" Trixie shushed, as she looked through a pair of binoculars.

"Trixie has triangulated her position. You make a run from the rear, and we'll ambush her!" The unicorn ranted in a whisper. Spike sighed, wondering what Twilight saw in her.

"Okay. But do you really need those night-vision goggles?" Spike asked as he saw Trixie put on a pair of high-tech night vision goggles.

"Of course Trixie does! They work especially well in the daytime!" With that, she put the goggles over her eyes and turned them on.

"AAAAAAAH! TOO MUCH LIGHT, TRIXIE'S BLIND!" Trixie screamed in agony as she yanked the goggles off her face. Scootaloo, having overheard this, whistled. Soon, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle popped out of a nearby bush with water balloons in hoof.

"Retreat!" Yelled Trixie, having regained her eyesight, as she and Spike ran for their lives. However, they were soon pelted with balloons.

"It's no use. We're outnumbered" Spike realized as he shook himself dry.

"That's true. We're going to need some extra help!" Trixie said, a crazed look in her eye.

"Well that was entertaining." Luna said as she and Twilight had finished their tea and where now watching Trixie and Spike from the balcony of the library.

"Oh it's not over yet. Knowing Trixie it's just the beginning." Twilight said as she gave a sly smirk, this being the first time she was actually enjoying her wife's antics. Luna returned the smirk and nodded as they looked down to see that Trixie had gathered a couple of ponies outside the library. Trixie was wearing crudely made armor as she paced back and forth in front of the assembled group, which was composed of Spike, Ditzy "Derpy" Doo, and Big Macintosh.

"I am sure you are wondering why Trixie called you all here." Trixie began, using a no-nonsense tone.

"Not really" Interrupted Derpy. The blue unicorn glared at her and marched up to the walleyed mailmare.

"Trixie did not give you permission to speak!" Yelled Trixie in the best general voice she could do.

"Yes sir ma'am sir!" Derpy said as she saluted. Trixie shook her head up and down as she continued continued.

"I am the Great and Powerful General Trixie!" The unicorn said loudly.

"General of what?" Spike asked as Trixie paced in front of the three.

"Silence!" Trixie snapped as Spike just rolled his eyes, regretting having asked Trixie for help in this matter.

"Trixie has tried to assemble the best fighting force Ponyville has ever seen! Unfortunately, all I could find was you three." Trixie continued, earning her a glare from the two ponies and one dragon.

"You will hurt! You will cry for your mommies!" Trixie barked out as she resumed pacing in front of the group.

"My Mom's Daring Do!" Derpy interrupted.

"Oh, great, you made me lose my place!" Said Trixie as she tried to remember where she was going with her nonsensical speech, but giving up.

Soon, the four were hard at work filling water balloons. Trixie was in charge of filling the balloons, Spike was in charge of tying them, and Big Mac was in charge of labeling them with a stamp reading H2O. Derpy tossed another balloon to Big Mac, who threw it onto a gigantic pile. The ponies and dragon stood back and admired their work. Soon, Scootaloo reared her devious little head from behind the pile. She popped one balloon, which caused the entire tower to collapse.

"SHE'S GONNA BLOW!" Trixie yelled as everyone ran in terror.

Trixie had painted a target on a fence.

"Now, to survive a water balloon fight, you must know how to hit a target." The pseudo-general began.

"When Trixie says 'now', you will throw your balloons at the bulls-eye. Now…" Before she could finish, the three "soldiers" before her pelted with balloons.

"No, not now!" She explained before getting pelted again.

"Not the now that…" Again, she was pelted.

"Now, just hold on!" Trixie now looked like she had taken a mile long swim.

"This is gonna take a while." The unicorn said as she grabbed a towel and dried herself off.

Later, four cacti were walking through the streets of Ponyville, stopping and standing still when somepony came close. Trixie, Spike, Derpy, and Big Macintosh then popped their heads out of holes in the front of the cacti.

"Trixie, these disguises will never work! Cacti aren't even native to this part of the country!" Derpy objected.

"Shut up! They'll hear you!" Trixie yelled as she looked around, paranoid.

"The enemy is everywhere, and nowhere." The crazed mare said cryptically, her eyes darting back and forth.

"So where are they?" Spike asked.

"I don't know, they're somewhere." The blue leader said, earning groans of grief from her "army." Just then, the Cutie Mark Crusaders popped out of the bushes.

"We're surrounded!" Trixie cried as the fillies circled her team.

"Spike, speed around their left flank! Mac, you take the right flank! Derpy, you take the rear! Trixie will scream and run away like a little filly!" Trixie then ran screaming. The unicorn then dug a hole and hid in it.

"Okay! This is going well! Trixie'll be in here!" The showmare had no sooner said than she was pelted with balloons, filling the hole with water.

"Help! Trixie's drowning!" She yelled as she quickly sank, before dragging herself back up to see Spike and Big Mac.

"We stood our ground as long as we could, but I think they captured Derpy." The dripping wet dragon panted.

"Those fiends! They'll probably torture her to make her talk! Fortunately, she's well trained." Trixie said, having the utmost confidence in the cross-eyed pegasus


Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle were catering to Derpy's every whim, bringing her cookies, juice, and even rubbing her hooves, while the grey mare went on and on about things that Trixie had specifically told her not to tell them.

"And we have 39 balloons hidden in the library, and we're going to attack at O'900, and our password is 'Princess Trixie'!" Derpy said.

Meanwhile, Big Macintosh and Spike were manning a very long hose. Soon, a wave of water hit the Crusaders tree-house, blasting Derpy out. Spike and Big Mac caught her, well more like broke her fall. Derpy, upon regaining her train of thought, quickly fibbed,

"I didn't talk. They tortured me, but I said 'No way'!" Soon, Trixie grabbed the trio from behind an apple tree and hid them there.

"Good, you're alive!" Trixie said, her mane spiky and disheveled.

"Now Trixie won't lie to you. We may have to run away to the jungle and spend the rest of our lives eating bugs and washing with mud, so…" The crazed mare began, her right eye twitching like crazy, but was cut off by Spike.

"Look, Trixie. I think Scootaloo was only pelting me with balloons because she likes me. And I think I kind of like her, too. So, bye!" With that, he walked away. Trixie then turned to Derpy.

"I have to go pick up Dinky from her scout meeting, but I had fun. See ya!" Derpy said as she rushed away. Big Mac was the only one left at Trixie's side. He got up and brushed the dirt off his body.

"Ya'll ain't too bright." The large stallion said, as he walked away. Soon, Trixie was alone.

"Well, fine! Who needs you?! Trixie can win this war herself!" The blue unicorn yelled to her former comrades. Suddenly she was then pelted by a plethora of balloons.

"Medic!" Trixie cried as she fell over, a dripping mess. At this point Twilight and Luna flew down, having been watching the entire fiasco from the clouds above.

"You want some hot chocolate Trixie?" Twilight asked gently, rubbing her wife's soaking wet head with her hoof.

"With marshmallows?" Trixie asked as she looked up pitifully at Twilight.

"Sure thing. But first." Twilight said as she cast a spell that made Trixie spin around extremely fast, drying her off. Trixie passed out as Twilight picked her up and laid her across her back as she and Luna took to the air.

"I should be going Twilight. Next time I'll bring Chrysalis. Something tells me her and Trixie together in the same room will be quite a sight." Luna said as she flew off towards Canterlot.

Author's Note:

Luna's not talking in old time speak because at this point she's already talking more modern.