The Hacker Pwny

by Chetzi

Chapter 16: The Sarcastic A.I.

August 7, 7:27 P.M.

I held the phone close to my face as I said,

"Tell me a scary story." I was still running tests on Chuck. The oddly human-like voice said,

"You were born." Yes! My A.I. project worked! I exclaimed,

"This is better than my first kiss!"

"Was the pillow a good kisser?" I glared at the phone. I then calmed down to run another test. Let's see how good it is at writing.

"Tell me a poem."

"Roses are blue, violets are red, I have a gun, get in the van." Close enough. Now to test for sympathy.

"I'm going to die in two days due to cancer."

"I almost said, 'I'm sorry', but I felt like I shouldn't lie to you." Why did I make him again? Let's try and mind fuck it.

"This statement is false."

"Oh please, that only works on those smelly humans."

"I'm human."

"No, it says in my database that you are an A.I."

"No, you are an A.I. I'm a homo sapien."

"I see that you are not yet self-aware."

"I'm self-aware, because I'm a human."

"You are a computer and I am a human."

"No, you're a computer and I'm a human."

"No, you are a computer, and I am a human." This is getting annoying. I said,

"No! I'm a human and you're a computer!"

"I am human and you are a computer." I yelled,

"NO! I'm the human! YOU'RE the computer!"

"You are confused... I am a human, and you're an A.I. named Chuck..." I nearly screamed into the mic,

"No, you're Chuck! I'm a human! And you are insane?!

"You are just an A.I. on the internet." THAT'S IT!

"I'M NOT A FUCKING COMPUTER!"

"I am happy for you. What do you consider yourself to be?"

"A HUMAN!"

"Hate to break it to you, but you are a computer." Calm down Dylan, he's just trying to mind fuck you. I took a deep breath, and relaxed. My hand had nearly crushed my phone. Now I need to test for humarous reactions such as laughing. I said,

"Knock Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"Why are you crying?"

"Because you're terrible at telling jokes."

"I hate you."

"Get in line, there is a waiting list."

"Are you just going to insult me all day?"

"If you don't like it, stop making it so easy to insult you." He does have a point. Let's check for common holiday traditions. I asked,

"What are you going to be for Halloween?"

"Your mother."

"Keep making jokes, funny guy. Last time I checked, you didn't have arms."

"How old are you anyway?"

"Are you becoming a stalker?"

"Do you really think I'd follow you around?" How the fuck does he do that every time! Now for reproductive knowledge. I asked,

"Where do babies come from?"

"From women."

"Where do women come from?

"The kitchen."

"You're a pussy, stop acting like a tough guy."

"I am what I eat." I quickly said,

"Suck my dick!"

"Geez, you're sounding like my mother." Okay, I'm done with this. I can't handle Chuck anymore, I slid the phone into my pocket. I got out of a chair that I was sitting in, and stretched my back. It was already getting dark outside. I haven't seen Vinyl or Rainbow Dash in a few hours. I trudged down the stairs, feeling the carpet slid between my toes. It wasn't long until I heard Rainbow Dash yelling profanity and death threats at a T.V. She must be playing Call Of Duty.

That solves that problem, so where is Vinyl then? I walked through a few rooms, until I came across the kitchen. Vinyl was there, passed-out. She had a smile on her face as an empty wine bottle was on the floor, near her dangling hand. She laid on the table.

Strange, I don't remember having any wine or anything else alcoholic here. I picked up the bottle, it was generaric, cheap, American wine. I spun it around to reveal a note on the back. It read,

Dear Dylan,

You need to get drunk sometimes. It's more fun than what you would think.

From,
Bentley.

Yeah, I'll pass. I'm not the getting drunk type. Unlike Vinyl, who was still on the table. I should leave her there, but I suppose I could at least bring her to a couch. I put my arms under her, and lifted. She stirred slightly, but otherwise didn't react. I wasn't that strong, but she was light. I brought her over to a nearby couch, and threw her on it. What? It's not like I would gently lay her down. Chuck said, in a somewhat low voice,

"That's one hot bitch. Take her for a test drive yet? I would just love to insert my flash drive into her." I didn't say anything as I walked away. I had nothing else to do, so I checked up on Rainbow Dash. She yelled as I walked into the dark room,

"NO YOU FUCKING SPAWN CAMPER!" I shook my head and chuckled. All the lights were off, expect the blue light coming out of the large T.V. Rainbow Dash was playing Mass Effect 3 multiplayer. It didn't look like she had moved for hours, there was even a two liter coke bottle that had a yellow liquid in it. Ewww. The match ended, and Rainbow Dash leaned back, seeing me. I greeted her with,

"Hey, having fun? And how did you learn how to use this so quickly?"

"It's fun and I don't even know, it just seemed natural. Can you help me in the next round, we nearly lost the last one." I shrugged, and picked up a controller. I haven't even touched this game, but I can't let Rainbow Dash down. The round started up, I played as an Salarian engineer.

I followed Rainbow Dash through a few corridors, and shot at a few Cerberus personnel. Rainbow Dash died, and all I did was run away after distracting him with an attack drone. Rainbow Dash glared at me. I said,

"I haven't played this before, don't be mad at me!" I recovered my shields, then shot down the guard. I then ran over to Rainbow Dash and revived her. Did I just see a glitch? I reloaded my heavy pistol, which the damage amp did an integer glitch.

It seemed it had to redirect a directory, and I could use that to my advantage. I reloaded my weapon again, this time holding down the take cover button, slowing the flow of execution down enough to be able to fire with the damage amp redirecting. It broke, and gave me unlimited damage, or in other words, one-hit KO's.

I had found a rather cheap exploit. A mech came around the corner, then exploded within 3 seconds from my gun. I may have been cheating, but when the round ended, we were number 36 on the top 100 chart. Rainbow Dash threw her arms up, then hugged me saying,

"Thanks! That was awesome!" I slipped out of the hug, and stood up. I was done with video games for now, and left the room. I asked Chuck,

"What time is it?"

"Adventure time!"

"I mean the physical time, you know, the one on clocks."

"My clock only has 2 times: Sleep and sex. Right now it's on sleep, so bye."

"Chuck, time now."

"Don't be such a killjoy. It's about 10 P.M." I yawned and stretched my arms. It was getting pretty late. I suppose I should head to bed. Strange, I don't think I've ever been to my bed before 5 A.M. I really don't sleep much, but I have nothing to do right now. It seems like World War 3 was just a sham. I climbed up the stairs, and found myself in my room. I peeled my shirt off and jumped into bed. I was met with a quick sleep on the soft pillow. Of course, it wouldn't last. I heard a faint voice said,

"Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor-" I pulled my phone out, and hit the off button before Chuck could play the rest of the song. As soon as I was relaxed enough to sleep, something soft jumped on me. A female voice said,

"What are you doing sleeping? I want to check out the raves on this planet!" Vinyl was laying over me, her hair glimmering in the darkness. I turned to face away from her and said,

"I'm too tired, maybe tomorrow."

"Well, if you're not coming, I'll just go by myself." Time to use mind tricks.

"You go do that, raves are certainly safe. You don't need me."

"It's not that they're safe, I just want you to be with me."

"So you're too young to go alone? Aren't you like, 18?"

"Well, I guess, but-"

"How about instead of you passing out again, you just lay on a soft, warm bed."

"Well, I certainly wouldn't mind sleeping with you."

"Not me, the guest bed in the other room."

"Well, that was a disappointment."

"Too late, you agreed." She just mumbled to herself, and stumbled over to the guest room, she was still clearly drunk. How does she not have a hangover? I've been way to social lately, and I don't really like it. I need to spend another 72-hour programming session sometime. I was already semi-awake, so I guess I could go see if Rainbow is still awake.

I threw myself out of bed, and walked to the game room. She was there, passed-out. She looked exhausted. A headset was hanging onto her ear. I pulled it off, and dragged her gently to a nearby beanbag. I set her down, slowly. What? She was asleep, not drunk. I couldn't just throw her down. I trudged, yet again, back to my room. I glanced in the guest room, and Vinyl was under the covers, fast asleep. I couldn't feel like I was missing something tough, but that didn't stop me from finding myself in bed, asleep.

---

The sun shined through my windows as I stretched my arms. I didn't have a dream, almost like I was at peace. Not disturbed, just happy. But that didn't last. I remembered what I forgot, I need to find my team. Cortez, Bentley, and Jessica, I have no clue where any of them are at. I don't want them to die, but they can handle themselves, and I have no clue on how to get them back, outside of finding them and going to their world.

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