The Hacker Pwny

by Chetzi

Chapter 17: I don't hate you

And let's start off with Bentley. Companion cube fucker...

"You euthanized your faithful Companion Cube more quickly than any test subject on record. Congratulations." I wiped a tear off of my cheek as I watch the Companion Cube burn. Why do the good ones die young! I shook my fist and angrily said,

"I will never forget about this, GLaDOS!" I walked into the elevator to continue to the next chamber.

And let's do a quick scene with Cortez.

"I'm impressed, Cortez." Ezio said as he watched me go through an obstacle course. I jumped down a ledge, and grabbed into a window. I climbed up, and pulled myself over the top. I jumped and climbed from roof to roof, and when I reached the check point in the specified time, Ezio handed me a hidden blade. He said,

"You've done well. I could use an assassin like you. Take this, and use it wisely." I strapped on the device, feeling it's cold metal wrap around my wrist. I tensed my arm, and the blade shot out. I waved the blade in front of my face, viewing the unique design.

Expect Jessica next? Too bad. Dylan's up.

I stood in my kitchen, a cup of coffee in my hand. My eyes not willing to remain open. I needed to take a shower, but that can wait. Wait, I hate coffee. I trudged over to my sink, and poured it down. How did I even have coffee? I don't know how to make it. I shook my head, I must be going insane. Rainbow came in the kitchen, her head down and her eyes closed. She stumbled into a wall, and just fell down. She must be sleep walking. Chuck was on the counter, and said,

"Hey, rainbow chick, make me a damn sandwich." I turned to him and said,

"She's in REM stage sleep cycle. I wouldn't wake her up if I were you."

"Yeah, what's she going to do? Maybe I should read her Cupcakes."

"NO! I will purge your database if you so much as tell her the title."

"Is her hair even real?"

"Yeah."

"Hey, my battery is running low. Plug that charger into me." I did just that, and Chuck said, "Oh yeah! Right there! That feels soooooo nice. So, can we make combustible lemons now?"

"Go ahead." Vinyl then stumbled into the kitchen, holding her head. She leaned on the bar and said,

"Ugh, I got a pounding headache." Chuck said,

"I hear masturbation is a great way to relive stress. You should go do that right now. In front of my camera. Make sure to rub the boobie-" I hit the off button on my phone. Vinyl just chuckled and said,

"I'll have to pass on that." She looked over to Rainbow Dash, who was still on the floor. "So, I guess we should be going back now." I think I may have been worrying too much. They seemed fine. I've seen some bad shit before, but I don't think Vinyl will see the same things as me. Rainbow Dash seemed to enjoy this world so far. I guess it couldn't hurt to show them some of it. Or I may regret it.

---

My mind flashed back to when I was a kid. About 8, I was still largely intelligent. I already knew discrete algebraic math. I was much smarter than both my fake foster parents. I never felt a single emotion. Everything I did was logical based, even if no one ever shall it that way. I was nearly always with a psychiatrist. Every single one gave up on me, I outsmarted all of them. I came home after a three hour meeting with one of them, and told my parents that they were a waste of my time and I didn't need them.

They didn't listen. They thought I was just a kid. A worthless, stupid kid. I proved them wrong with a load of facts, evidence, and theories. Both of them knew I was right. But, of course, the didn't care. They still sent me. Weather they were being over-protected, or just scared, I hated it. They denied me my freedom and choice.

---

I shouldn't do that same to Vinyl. I'll let her explore this planet, but I will still protect her if anything happens. I will always be there, if she's happy, I am also. I guess it would be fair if I did the same to Rainbow Dash. My mind snapped back to reality, and I found Rainbow Dash yelling at my phone. Chuck said,

"Really? And I thought you painted your hair on. Is your pubic hair the same color?" Rainbow Dash screamed back,

"I'M STILL MORE MAN THAN YOU!"

"Last time I check, I didn't have a gender. So I believe that your logic fails on that account. Now, stop stalling and make my damn sandwich, you twat." Rainbow Dash's hair was all messed up. She grabbed the phone, and slung it into the wall. Chuck said, "Oh, that tingled. In case you haven't noticed, I'm made of stainless steel. It's going to take a lot more than that to destroy me. So does your hair taste like the rainbow? I think I should call you skittles. I like that name. You shall be my pet human!" Rainbow Dash looked pissed. I put my hand on her back and said,

"Calm down, he does that. Just don't let him get to you." Vinyl sat at a nearby table, gigging at the whole scene. She had a box of cereal, and was eating out of it with her hand. "Vinyl, why are you eating that?" Her mouth was full, but that didn't stop her from saying,

"Mhmhhn hunnnngry, mox lmmked tasmmty."

"What?" She swallowed and said,

"I was hungry, and this box looked tasty. And boy, was it!" Rainbow Dash walked over to her and said,

"I'm hungry too, give me some." Vinyl brought the box close to her face and said,

"NEVER! THEY'RE MINE!" Rainbow pounced and tried to grab the box. Chuck yelled,

"Cat fight! Ten bucks on Vinyl!" Vinyl held Rainbow Dash at bay with her arm, while Vinyl stuffed her face full of cereal. I jogged over to them and pulled them apart. I said,

"Are you really fighting over cereal? Come on! There's plenty of food here." Speaking of food, I want bacon. Haven't had any in a while. "How about instead of fighting or eating dry cereal, we head over to a restaurant." Rainbow turned toward me and said,

"They have restaurants here? Awesome! Let's go!" I have no clue how they will react out in public, but Vinyl started to sing,

"Sometimes, there's a new chance, a new world." Then Rainbow sang,

"And you just gotta make the best of it! New ponies, new friends-" I cut her off saying,

"STOP SINGING! This isn't High School Musical. People don't burst out into song and dance." Vinyl lowered her head slightly. Rainbow just shrugged and said,

"So, can we go now?" I wasn't sure where the nearest IHOP was, so I'll have to use Chuck's global positioning system. I walked over to the phone and turned it on. Chuck said,

"Oh, I was just having the nicest wet dream with Rainbow. Why did you have to wake me up?" Rainbow growled at him. I said,

"Set a path to the nearest IHOP."

"Calculating... found. There is one about 3 miles away. Traffic is minimal. Can we take the guided missiles?" I just stared at him in silence. I then walked out, toward the garage. My hand turned the knob on the door, and it squeaked open. The hot air rushed past my face as I looked into the dungeon-like place. I had no cars. Oh yeah, I really don't leave the house much.

I walked out the garage door, which I never close. I looked around for any cars out in the open, there was a generic silver Prius. I felt more girly every second I stared at it. But, there were no other cars. I sighed and sagged my shoulders. I turned around and yelled into my house,

"Vinyl, Rainbow, come on. Get out here." Rainbow burst out of the door before I could even finish my sentence, while Vinyl came out shortly after. Vinyl was still eating out of the box of cereal, until I said, "leave the box." She just placed the box down, on the floor. I waved for them to follow me to the car. We reached the vehicle, and I told Chuck,

"Check for any loose FM waves. Any channel have root access to lock system?" He replied with,

"Yeah yeah, give me a second. There appears to be a frequency that has alt access on the axis system."

"We could use that, break it and check for any emergency auto-unlock features." There was a click, and the door glided open. I unlocked the rest of the car and told Vinyl,

"Get in." She clumsily attempted to enter, at first she tried crawling, then jumping, it was funny. Eventually, she found herself able to sit in the seat. Rainbow learned from that, and sat down the same way in the back. She grunted and said,

"Slightly cramped back here." I said,

"Deal with it." I placed Chuck between the gauges and started the car. Chuck told me to take a right, I did. He kept giving me directions for a mile or so until I missed a turn. He said,

"Retard! You missed the fucking turn! Now I have to recalculate your fucking mistake! See that left over there? I think you should take it. Ya know, if you want to arrive at your destination. Whoa, dude, I think you might want to hear about this." A video played on my phone, I watched the road as I heard the audio. A female newscaster said,

"There have been strange disappearances. First, a thirteen year old boy disappeared for four days until he just reappeared back in his house. During an interview, he said he visited Equestria, a place where the imaginary My Little Pony cartoon show takes place. The police think he was drugged. Another disappearance, a twenty-four year old man was gone for about a week, then returned saying he almost had sexual intercourse with someone named Luna." Rainbow Dash's head went upwards at hearing the princesses' name. "A third victim, a man named Larry smith, has been gone for three days now. They all appear to have been Bronies. And that ends our news section for this morning."

Luna. I need to go back and smack that royal flank of hers. I will not let her keep doing this. Or, maybe I could be wrong. I'm wanting Luna to stop, and yet, I really don't even know why's shes doing it. Slaves seem pointless, spies wouldn't work, I just don't know. We pulled into a parking lot, and got out of the car. Rainbow stretched her legs as an older couple gave her the stink eye and walked on past. Rainbow stuck her tongue out at them. Chuck said,

"I wonder what else Skittles can do with that tongue..." I grabbed onto Rainbow's shoulder and dragged her into the building. Vinyl calmly used epic swag and followed me in. A few families stared at Vinyl's hipster hair and Rainbow's hippy hair. I sat down at a booth and they followed. Rainbow sat across from me as Vinyl sat next to me. Three male teenagers walked up to us. The first one had a black leather jacket on while the other two had jerseys on. They looked like total douchebags. I held up a menu, blocking my face from them. The first one said,

"Hey, rainbow-hair, how about you and me have a little fun in my pants." Rainbow ignored him, but he kept trying. "I don't take no for an answer. You'll like it." He put his hand on her arm, and Rainbow grabbed it, twisting his arm backwards."Ow! Oh, feisty are we? I like those kinds of girls." I pulled Rainbow's arm off of him and said,

"We don't hurt people. Especially not in a crowded place like this." The man said,

"I ain't leaving till I have this hot babe all over my-" I slammed my fist on the table and calmly said,

"Leave. Now."

"And who's going to make me? You? You're just a scrawny nerd."

"You think you're a tough guy. And yet, you have your two idiots back you up. We all evolved from apes, but it appears you're a rare exception." He glared at me and said,

"You think you can take me on?"

"I don't need to. You're too big of a wuss to even make a move. Your birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory." He brought both of his fist down on the table, causing a few bottles to shake.

"Shut up you probably can't even get a girl you fucking nerd!"

"You make blind people glad they can't see." I grabbed my shirt and help me up.

"This is the last time I'm going to say it, stop saying shit and give me the rainbow-chick."

"I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it. Now, you really want to attack me? In this place full of children and parents? You would be all over the news, everybody would hate you. And I'm more powerful than you think. With the swipe of a few keys, I can wreak your life. Don't believe me? Punch me and find out." He let go of me and stumbled away with his buddies. Rainbow Dash muttered,

"Thanks." After the event, a waiter came up and asked,

"What would you like for breakfast?" Vinyl said first,

"I want haycakes!" The waiter just looked at her funny. I nudged Vinyl and said,

"She means plain pancakes." The waiter wrote something in a notepad and asked what Rainbow would want. She replied with,

"I'll have this, uh, baycone."

"Okay, a stack of pancakes and bacon, and for you sir?" I said,

"Waffles are fine." The waiter walked off, and we talked about random things such as history and social customs. After twenty minutes or so,the waiter came back with our food. Vinyl picked up a slippery pancake that was soaked in syrup, and stuffed into her face. I facepalmed as everyone tried to not stare at her. Rainbow wasn't much better, she picked up a piece of bacon and bite it. She then pulled the bacon away while chewing it. She tried to break it off, but failed. I said,

"You have sharper teeth, you're suppose to bite it off." She pushed her teeth closed and the bacon snapped off. I told Vinyl how to eat right, she wiped the syrup off of her face and played around with a fork and knife until she got the hang of it. She said,

"Magic is so much easier." I quickly finished, paid the money I owed in pennies, and left. All three of us raced over to my house so I could see Luna. She's been on my mind since that news about all the disappearances.

Comments

[Kinky Pie]

I wish I was as smart as Dylan is.