The Hacker Pwny

by Chetzi

Chapter 40: Troll Mode activated

And today's the day that marks over fifty percent of the mare population is normal. It should be safe to leave the confines of the hotel. I looked across Ponyville one last time from atop of the hotel's roof. It seemed as most of the mares in the city had returned to their day jobs. I shuddered at the thought of this happening again. Next time it's mating season, I'm going back to Earth for a vacation. I'm so glad humans evolved in tropical East Africa. This means that we don't have a mating season because seasons didn't affect birth. It has to do with resources per season. Humans are also monogamous, so that would also prevent mass rape from happening. And the male to female ratio is pretty much equal. It's 100:101 male to female in large cities. But, that's besides the point. I climbed back down the ladder to the top level. Then I trotted down the stairs to the lobby. The elevator worked, but after doing nothing at all for that many days, I don't think I could stand the elevator music. The sun had just broke the horizon, lighting up the sky in a fiery orange. I pulled the barricade blocking the doors down, and walked on out. Rainbow Dash swooped down, and floated above me.

"I thought you would never come out of there. Now that you're finally done being a wuss, I could use your help," Rainbow Dash said.

"Oh, shut it you rainbow-mullet. And I thought you were, 'too awesome to ever need help from anypony', I said.

"Yeah, but you're not a pony."

"I don't care, I have better things to do. This whole mating season ordeal has taken a large chunk out of the time I should be training."

"Come on, don't you at least want to know what it is?"

"Go suck a phallus-shaped cloud." I started to trot off, but Rainbow Dash swooped down and tackled me.

"I really need your help. Don't make me beg."

"Find somepony else."

"I tried! I've already asked dozens of stallions! They all said no. So, I figured that you would do it because you're not strictly a stallion." Now, I'm curious. What exactly did all the other stallions say 'no' to? And why is she expecting me to do it?

"Okay, I'll bite. What exactly is it?" She grew a devious grin that made me regret asking.

---

"No no no!" I told Rainbow Dash. "I will not be your temporary coltfriend just to impress your parents! This is abusurd and preverse!" She said,

"Too bad." We were already in the air. Shehad grabbed onto me and strated flying upwards. Then I rode on her back, becuase she wouldn't be able to hold me like that for long. By the direction we're going, I predict she's heading towards Cloudsdale. I can't get down, not without plummeting to my doom. Well, this is just great. I wonder why no one else wanted to do this.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash," I said, "I can't walk on clouds. How am I suppose to visit Cloudsdale?" Rainbow yelled over the wind,

"There's a unicon there that knows the Cloud Walker spell. He should be waiting for us at the entrance." Oh, how convenient. There just HAPPENS to be a spell for something that fits just perfectly in this situation. Ugh, it's like a bad My Little Pony fan-fiction where an author's too lazy and just makes up a spell that's far too convenient for that event, and doesn't even bother explaining how that pony knows that spell, even though it would be a completely useless spell any other time. But, enough ranting, Cloudsdale was approaching quickly.

Rainbow Dash landed on the clouds, next to a teal unicorn that wore a fisherman's hat. Rainbow Dash said to him,

"Hi, dad. Neon needs to be able to wall on clouds."

"Rainbow! I've missed you so much." They hugged, causing me to fall off Rainbow's back. I fell through the clouds, falling at a fast rate. I saw Rainbow Dash burst through the clouds, flying toward me. She caught me and dragged me back up. Once we were above the cloud line again, the teal unicorn said, "Right-o then, the spell." His horn glowed teal, and then the teal aura washed over me. "Done." Rainbow Dash let go of me, and I softly landed on a cloud. Wow, these are soft. It's like friggin cotton, even though this cloud is nothing more than a collection of water droplets, and not a solid object. The cloud molded to my hooves as I walked on it.

"Ahem, we should get to your house then," Rainbow impatiently said. I said,

"No! I never agreed to-" Rainbow twisted my arm behind her back. She whispered,

"Yes you did. Now, just play along and you won't get hurt." She realised my arm. I just stood there silently. "Right then, ao lead the way, dad." Mr. Dash walked into the city. We followed closely behind. Rainbow started chuckling to herself as we passed a rainbow waterfall.

"Hey, you know that Earth candy, Skittles? The slogan is, 'See the rainbow, taste the rainbow' or something like that," Rainbow Dash asked me.

"Yes," I said, unsure of what she was getting at.

"Well, look. You can drink that rainbow juice over there," She said as she pointed to the rainbow waterfall. Yeah, no. By the the way she was chuckling to herself, I don't think that's a good idea. I coldy stared icey daggers into her eyes. She looked away. We continued to trot down the road until we came across a medium-sized cloud house. Oh, of course, they live in a house made of clouds. We'll just go along with that. I wonder what would happen if you fell out of bed. The smell of cinima reached my nose as I walked into the house. So, I just have to be Rainbow's pseudo-coltfriend while I'm here. Vinyl's gonna kill me if she finds out about this. Or not. I really have no clue. Regular furniture covered the room, along with photos of Rainbow's family.

"Breakfast is ready!" Said a motherly voice from the kitchen. How the fuck did I get dragged into this? I slid along the wall, trying to get away from this family of multicolored hair. I fell through the wall, ending up in the next hallway. Well, that worked. Rainbow burst through the same wall, and dragged me back to the dinning table. I guess I spoke to soon. Rainbow whispered to me,

"Now now, don't go escaping. We'll only be here for a short time. All you need to do is sit down, eat, and answer a few questions." Odd, she has a different speech pattern. She must be nervous. She pushed me into a chair at the end of the table. Two rainbow-haired colts, one green the other brown, and jumped into chairs on the other end of the table. Then Rainbow's father sat down at the end of table. The mother walked into the dining room, carrying a plate of a large stack of pancakes in her wings. She placed them down in the middle of the table, and sat down next to me at the other end of the table. Rainbow's mother was pink-skinned, with loose purple hair. She also had wings. The table already had silverware and plates, which made no sense because we don't have fingers. I looked around me at the Dash family. They used their mouths to hold silverware. Uh, I'll just use magic. I lifted up a fork and took a pancake out of the stack. The other ponies were already eating. Rainbow's mother broke the silence by saying,

"So, Rainbow, do you mind telling us who your colt friend is?" I started to say,

"I'm not-" but Rainbow covered my mouth and said,

"His name is Neon Blaze, I told you I'd get somepony." The mother said,

"Well then, you should introduce us."

"Uh, okay." Rainbow said. She pointed at her mom, and said, "This is Amber Dash, my mom. My dad is Olive Dash." I really fucking hate the names in Equestria. They sound like a two-year old thought of them. Olive said,

"So, tell me about yourself, Neon." How generic. Since Captain of the Rainbow Mullets dragged me into this, let's see how bad I can mess this up. I replied, in the straightest face and tone I could muster,

"I worked as the person who cleans up after the animals in the zoo, then I become addicted to drugs and alcohol, then I cleaned up the toilets at rest stops, then I got Rainbow pregnant eighteen times. The kids are all on drugs and are getting surprise flank sex in prison right now." All of the family, except the colts, spat out whatever they were eating or drinking and stared at me. Internally, I was in a laughing fit. Externally, I showed no emotion. Their reactions were priceless. Rainbow nervously chuckled and said,

"Uh, heh, you're so funny, Neon. That was all a joke and never happe-" I interrupted,

"No, really, I got a poorly-drawn note from Shilly De Killer the Third from prison. You know, our fourth colt? Well, he said he's pregnant. Aren't you happy for him?" Oh god, this is getting better by the second. Rainbow nervously looked around the room, searching for something to say. She's so going to kick my ass later, but it'll be worth it. Olive said,

"Rainbow, what do you have to say about this?" Rainbow said,

"Well, uh, you see, uh, none of that really happened and-" I interrupted again,

"Of course it happened! How else would you explain the sixty-nine hookers we got as a gift from our second-born? They're still hanging on the walls and used as rugs like you said you liked it." I put my arm around Rainbow. "I just knew that when I saw her buying drugs for that school filly that one Tuesday, we would be perfect for each other." I'm being such a troll right now.

Comments

[VX]

Oh god, Im laughng my ass off right now. It hurts

[Reaver]

*snicker* holy shit. *rofl*

[tysup3]

lawl

[ripred94]

OMG! BEST CHAPTER EVER! LOL neon is so going to get boned but thats awesome!.
like they always say "Fuck bitches, get money"

[tysup3]

(<--also nice) encrypted-tbn1.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTpmA0Mp6KcuyXdMIKGYJYAk0t6OPojDnxGQNMHLylEG5JRTtCZ lawl perfect

[Hawkx1]

And this is why you ever drag Neon into anything