• Published 24th Jul 2013
  • 29,706 Views, 600 Comments

Of Horses And Whorses - GeodesicDragon

A human and his pet horse are transported to Equestria.

  • ...

It's All In The Pronunciation

For the first time since you can remember, you wake up without the interference of the sun. With a stretch and a yawn, you get out of bed and jump into the shower. There is a lot for you to do today and little time in which to do it.

You have a shower, shave, brush your teeth and get dressed before going downstairs and preparing your breakfast. The fact the sun isn't out tells you it will be cold, so you make a bowl of oatmeal. After devouring it, you head into the hall and take the bridle and saddle which are lying on a table next to your front door.

After locking the front door you walk down your path, your feet crunching on the gravel, and arrive at the stable. You smile upon seeing that you are being watched. Every morning you come down here to take your horse out, and every morning she is waiting for you — it's almost like a ritual of sorts.

"Hey, Zayna," you say cheerfully. "Are you ready for your morning walk?" A gentle whinny is your reply. You open the stable door and Zayna trots up to you, allowing you to put the saddle and bridle on her, then you climb on and pat her neck. "Good girl. Come on, let's go to the old forest today."

You gently tug on the bridle and guide Zayna in the direction where you want her to go. Without hesitation she obeys, and soon she is cantering merrily along a dirt path. The trees sway in the breeze and a crisp, fresh smell tickles your nose.

A loud bang interrupts your idle thoughts. Zayna rears up in fright, before making a loud squealing noise and turning tail. You try in vain to control her, but to no avail. You have no choice but to hold on and enjoy the ride.

"Damn hunters!" you shout. "Nobody told me they'd be out today!"

You try again to control Zayna. This time she responds and slows down to a walking pace before finally stopping, her head hanging low. You get off her back and go round to her front, gently stroking her mane and patting her.

"It's okay, Zayna," you coo. "There's nothing to be scared of here. It's all over now. I'm here to protect you. Nothing bad will happen to you on my watch, all right?"

"All right," a voice replies. "Thank you, master."

You freeze. "W-who said that?!" you demand. "Show yourself!"

Zayna raises her head and nudges you with her nose. "It was me," she says. The colour drains from your face, which doesn't go unnoticed. "Are you all right, master? You look pale."

You fall over with a cry of shock and back away, your heels digging into the wet dirt. Zayna takes a step forward, her eyes fixed firmly upon yours. They are full of concern, and yet no matter how hard you try... you simply cannot look away.

"My... you... you just talked," you stammer. "No... no, this can't be happening. I must have hit my head while you were freaking out over that noise earlier. A low-hanging branch or something." You scramble to your feet and clean the dirt and leaves off your clothes before taking hold of the bridle. You look around the area and sigh, Zayna's little detour having dumped you in an unfamiliar part of the forest. "Come on, Zayna," you mutter. "Let's find our way home. Then you can go back into the stable... and I can get a stiff drink."

"As you wish, master," Zayna replies. You still find the whole idea of a talking horse ridiculous in the extreme, but you put it down to whatever concussion you may have. Deciding that going back in the direction you came in would be a good idea, you start walking along the path with Zayna dutifully following behind.


"God dammit," you grumble. "I think we're lost. This is all I need."

You've been walking for hours now, if the fact that day is turning into night is anything to go by, and have stopped by a small river to rest. Zayna is drinking as much water as she can while you sit on a rock and twiddle your thumbs idly. Her thirst slaked, Zayna trots back to your side and nuzzles you.

"I'm sorry, master," she says. "This is all my fault."

You sigh and gently stroke her nose. She lets out a small giggle at this, further adding to your bewilderment. "It's not your fault, Zayna," you reply. "It's mine. I should have made more of an effort to control you." You mentally slap yourself upon realising that you're having a two-way conversation with your pet.

As you continue stroking her, her ears suddenly swivel to the right. "Someone is coming," she says. "Maybe they can help us?"

"Any help is better than no help at all," you reply. "Just... let me do all the talking, okay?"

Zayna nods and cocks her head in the direction of the sound she heard. You strain your own ears to hear it better.

"I'm telling you the truth!" The voice is female and carries a slight tinge of anger. "I really did see these two weird creatures walking through the forest! They're around here somewhere, you'll see!"

"Are they..." you whisper. "They can't be referring to us, can they?" You hide behind the rock and peer over the top of it. Six silhouettes are visible through the canopy of trees. They look equine in nature, which only unnerves you even more.

Sure enough, the silhouettes exit the forest and step onto the path. What you see shocks you. Six small horses, probably ponies, which are looking at you and Zayna with dumbfounded expressions. What makes these ponies different from others you have seen is the fact that two of them have wings and two of them have horns. Only the last two show any signs of normality. Never in a million years would you ever believe that unicorns and pegasi were real, and yet here you are looking at two of each.

You slowly stand up, feeling the last dregs of your sanity slowly slipping away. One of the pegasi, a blue one with a rainbow-coloured mane, adopts a smug expression and turns to the others. "See?" She gloats. "I told you that there were weird creatures out in the forest. You owe me twenty bits, Applejack!"

"Dang it," the one you assume to be Applejack replies. "Ah guess we were wrong to doubt ya, Rainbow Dash."

"What on Equestria is that?" A white unicorn points at you. She then points at Zayna. "And what kind of pony is that?"

"Well, since you asked, I'm a human," you say suddenly, "and Zayna here is not a pony."

The six of them seem surprised at the fact you can talk. You walk over to Zayna's side and gently pat her in a reassuring manner. The other unicorn, a lavender one, clears her throat.

"Before we ask questions, I think some introductions are in order, don't you?" she says. "My name is Twilight Sparkle, and these are my friends." She introduces the rest of her friends to you – Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy – and you give your name in return.

"It's super-nice to meet you both!" Pinkie Pie says excitedly. "I can't wait to take you back to Ponyville and throw you both a 'Welcome to Equestria' party!"

"I appreciate the offer, truly I do," you reply with a sense of hesitation, "but I would much rather find some way of getting home since I have responsibilities there, as well as a job to do."

"I understand," Twilight says reassuringly. "I will certainly try my best to make sure you both get home where you belong."

"Thank you," Zayna chips in. "My master and I appreciate your assistance in this matter."

The six ponies exchange puzzled glances with each other, and then they all look at you with their eyebrows raised.

"Master?" Rainbow Dash asks sternly. "What the hay does she mean by that?"

"Oh..." You struggle to think of the right words to say. "Well you see, Zayna is my horse, and she—"

"I beg your pardon?" Rarity interrupts. "I might have misheard, but did you just say that Zayna is your 'whorse'?"

"Uhh, yeah." You nod. "She's a horse. I take care of her, and use her for giving riding lessons, which is the job I mentioned earlier."

"That..." Rarity narrows her eyes at you. "That is quite possibly the most sickening thing I have ever heard!"

"Wait, what?!" you say in alarm. "What the hell are you talking about? What's wrong with a little ride? The kids love it!"

"You market your services to children?!" Twilight screeches. "Oh dear Celestia, that is simply abhorrent!"

"I'll have you know that they pay well for it!" you shout back. "And besides, their parents wouldn't send them to me if I didn't know what I was doing."

"Their own parents make them partake in such activities?" Fluttershy squeaks. "That's not very good parenting."

"You're a sicko, you know that?" Rainbow Dash growls. "I bet you like using a whip or something."

"Oh no," Zayna replies. "Master only ever uses the whip if I am being very unruly. It hurts a little but it makes me realise that I'm being a bad girl, and I begin to comply with his wishes."

Pinkie Pie walks up to Zayna and produces – from out of nowhere – a large magnifying glass, before inspecting the saddle and bridle. "And what purpose do these things serve?" she asks. "Are they a part of your weird games?"

"The saddle and bridle are both important," you say. "The bridle helps anyone riding Zayna to keep her going in the right direction. And without the saddle, the riders would just keep falling off her."

"Eww, gross." Pinkie turns green. "I think I'm gonna be sick..."

You grind your teeth furiously, now starting to get both confused by and irritated at this whole situation. "You ponies are just being stupid," you growl. "I don't see why my job is that big a deal to you. I enjoy it, Zayna enjoys it, and my customers enjoy it. You sound like you're jealous."

The six mares splutter in shock.

"Jealous?" Rarity seethes. "How dare you say that! We are not jealous of somepony who seeks to pursue such a vile career, and who exploits the needs of others!"

"Exploiting?!" you bellow. "How am I exploiting people? I provide a genuine service that people actually appreciate. Maybe I could do with lowering my prices a bit, but I'll have you know that there is actually a waiting list for what I do since I'm that good at it!"

"A... A waiting list?" Twilight almost faints. "It's even worse than I imagined it to be!"

"It's not that bad," Zayna says. "Sure it can be a bit tiring at times, but master always has my best interests at heart. I get Sundays off, and he's even trying to find some additional horses to help take the strain off my back."

You nod at this. "Damn right I am. One mare can't exactly do all the work by herself forever, can she?"

"I... I..." Fluttershy struggles to speak. "I don't think I want to hear any more of this. It's just horrible."

"You wanna know what I think?" Rainbow Dash replies. "I think that you two freaks should just get lost."

The other four voice their approval at Rainbow Dash's suggestion. You stare at them defiantly and fold your arms.

"All I'm doing is trying to make an honest living and you think that's something I should be ashamed of," you say proudly. "Well, forget you. I will continue to provide my service, and I will continue to be proud of it. Hell, I might even expand to another town and start providing it there."

"Gah!" Twilight covers her ears. "Shut up, I don't want to hear it! Just... get away from here!"

"Gladly," you reply, taking hold of the bridle. "Come along, Zayna. Let's see if we can find some other way home."

You lead her away from the group of furious ponies, who are each giving you the stink-eye, and follow the path you were taking. After several minutes of trudging along the path, you come across a sign which says 'WELCOME TO PONYVILLE' in brightly-coloured letters. Stopping in front of it, you put your hand to your chin in thought.

"Ponyville... Ponyville..." you muse. "Why the hell does that sound so familiar to me?"

"There they are!" You recognize the very loud, and still very angry, voice of Rainbow Dash. As you turn in the direction it came from, your eyes widen upon seeing the pegasus and her friends at the head of a very large mob of ponies.

"What the hell is this?" you mutter. "Wait, don't tell me... You folks disagree with my choice of career as well, don't you?" A stone flying past your head is the only answer you need. With blistering speed you leap onto Zayna's back. "Ride like the wind, Zayna!" you yell. She doesn't need telling twice and takes off back the way you came, kicking up stones and dust.

As you leave, you fail to notice the embarrassed looks on the faces of the townsponies. One of them, a white unicorn foal, looks around at the adults surrounding her and groans.

"Wait here," she says. "I'll go and get my dictionary."

Author's Note:

I hope you got the joke with the ending.

Zayna's name was taken from here. Apparantely it means 'Beauty' in Arabic.

And yes, that was a Toy Story reference (or it could be a Lone Ranger reference if you prefer).