• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 3,195 Views, 212 Comments

It's Impossible! - AlicornPriest

Twilight discovers that magic is impossible. Things go from bad to worse in a hurry.

  • ...

Alternate End 6: Knowledge is Impossible!

This occurs after Rarity mentions that weather is impossible.

“Oh no...” Fluttershy muttered. Having been raised in Cloudsdale, she knew full well how important weather control was to Equestria. She tried to get the others' attention, but they were too busy arguing amongst themselves over what to do. She'd gotten pretty used to that treatment at this point. They were making plans involving burning the notes or trying to convince Twilight, but Fluttershy had a feeling Twilight was more resilient than that. No, there was only one solution she knew of. She gulped, whispered quietly, then took up a pen and began to write.

It took a few minutes for the others to see what she was doing. “Fluttershy, darling, what are you writing?”

“Oh, it's nothing,” she said. “I'm just correcting some of her work.”

“That don't sound like nothing,” Applejack said.

“So what have you got?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Is it gonna help?”

"Oh, it's just that Twilight neglected to measure the subresidual psychopresence in the hoofprint region of the encephalographic oscillatory waveform. That's why she can't find magic."

There was a pause, like the sound after something valuable breaks. In this case, the valuable thing was probably the ponies' sanity. “Fluttershy... how do you know that? Even Twilight doesn't know that. Nopony knows that! That's the whole reason why she's looking for it!” Rainbow Dash said.

“Wait. That sounded really familiar.” Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. “Girls, don't you remember her saying stuff like that before? Stuff you wouldn't have expected her to say?”

The rest of the group thought back; they did remember something like that...

“Oh, Applejack, it's just that you need to double-check the soil acidity and make sure there's sufficient nutrients in the surface soil layer to expedite the transfer cycle.”

“Oh, Rainbow Dash, did you tell the weathermaster at Cloudsdale about the overabundance of stratospheric nacreous clouds they sent us last week? I know the XT-47-B 'Improper Cloud Tier' citation form is a pain to fill out, but we need lightning-filled cumulonimbus clouds for the meteorotechnics show on Thursday, and they can't send us the wrong type again.”

“Pinkie Pie, you can't use sub-gluon transmaterials in your poly-fusion generator, especially if you're going to try to use it to power a thaumocatalyzer for Sugarcube Corner. Leaving alone the katadimensional balance concerns, the tau radiation could cause quantum skew, carcinogenic mutation, and sub-par rising action in your pastries. Now, if you were going to try atachyotic mesons...”

“Hey, that's right!” Applejack said. “Where do you get all that freaky knowledge from?”

“Oh. Well, uh, nowhere really. I guess it's just a coincidence--”

“No way, Fluttershy!” Rainbow Dash said. “You've never done a sheet of paperwork in your life. How could you know what form I needed to fill out back then?”

“And nobody knows about katadimensional travel except for me!” At the others' look, she amended, “I mean, if it were real at all.”

“...You really want to know?” Fluttershy said. “You won't hate me?”

“No, darling, we promise not to hate you. It can't be that bad, right?”

“Well, all right. I guess I can tell you.

“Back when I was in school in Cloudsdale, I didn't get very good grades. I know grades aren't everything, but it was just another thing for the kids to make fun of me about. I was so sad and confused; I just wanted to be something special so that the other kids wouldn't tease me! I thought, if I knew everything, then maybe they would respect me. I... made some bad choices, and ended up making a deal with a creature named Kalos.” At this, Rarity gasped, but Fluttershy went on. “He told me that he couldn't let me know everything, but he could make it so that, when needed, I could suddenly 'know' something at will. Less pressure on my brain, you understand.

“Anyway, the next day, I went back to class with my newfound gift. I aced the next few tests without a problem, but that only made them tease me more! They switched from 'dumb, stupid Fluttershy' to 'nerdy, teacher's pet Fluttershy.' It was horrible, so I stopped using the power in class. After all, without anypony to impress, there wasn't much point to it. A little while after that, I discovered my natural talent with the animals, and for a while, I forgot about my power entirely. But then I started making more friends, and I started getting more assertive, and one thing led to another...”

“Fluttershy, I reckon I don't know who this 'Kalos' feller is, but how could instant knowledge be bad?”

“Well, he only gave me so many uses of it, and then he'd... take me away.”

“How many do you have left?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Outside, the air rang with the crack of a lightning bolt. The air filled with the smell of ozone and sulfur. Chilling flames licked the walls, and the floor oozed with blood.

Fluttershy strained to put on a smile. “Umm... none?” she said.

The front door exploded with a burst of darkness. A massive form, black as coal and robed in agony, stepped through the resulting hole. He pointed at Fluttershy, and he spoke with the dark voice of Tartarus. “Fluttershy. You have used the last of my gift. Now, come with me to suffer your final judgement.

“Please, do whatever you want with me, but don't hurt my friends!” Fluttershy cried out.

I have no quarrel with them. Rest assured, they will not be harmed.

Rarity rolled her eyes. “I'm currently hoof-deep in blood, Kalos. It will take forever to bleach the stains out.”

Kalos shrugged. “Relatively unharmed, then. Let us have no delays.

“Just one minute!” Twilight came stumbling down the stairs. She asked the other five, “Just what in Equestria is going on here?”

“It's a long story.” Rainbow Dash said. “Here's the summary: Fluttershy used her last gift from a demonic pact to fix your stupid proofs against magic, and now she's going to 'her final judgment' to get tortured for all eternity or something. Actually, I'm kind of lost, too.”

“You made a pact with Kalos, He Who Knows All Forbidden Things?!” Twilight yelled. “Are you insane?”

“It seemed like a really good idea at the time!” Fluttershy replied.

“If you make it out of this, we really need to talk about your priorities, dear,” Rarity remarked.

Enough! I said I would have no delays.

“Please, you can't do this!” Pinkie told him. “She's our friend!”

“And she's protected by Princess Celestia!” Twilight added.

“And what about the animals she protects?” Applejack said.

I care not for friendship, princesses, or animals. I come for my well-earned prize,” Kalos replied.

“There must be something we can do,” Pinkie asked.

“I believe there is.” Rarity stepped closer and said, “Kalos, I challenge your title! You do not know all things, and thus your deal was not fulfilled!”

Lies! I have proven myself beyond a doubt! What proof do you have of my ignorance?

“A simple challenge, Kalos. Each of my friends and I will ask you a question. If you can answer every single one accurately, then I shall acquiesce. But if you falter on even one of them, then your deal with dear Fluttershy shall be null and void!”

Very well. I accept your challenge, Lady of the Veil. Ask away.

Rarity pulled them all into a huddle. “All right, girls. This is important. You've got to come up with the hardest questions you can think of. If you don't, Fluttershy will--”

“Yeah, we heard your little speech there,” Rainbow Dash replied. “I think we get it.”

“Then I hope you're prepared, because Kalos is incredibly smart, wise, and knowledgeable. You're going to have to be tricky if you have any chance of outsmarting him. I recommend trick questions, questions with no answer, questions with multiple answers, and maybe some puns.”

“Look, we're ready! Let's do this!”

I believe I heard you say you were ready?” Kalos asked. “In that case, I pick Applejack to speak first.

“Who said you got to choose who will--”

“Naw, it's all right, Rares. I got this.” Applejack screwed up her face in thought. “What is... eight million, nine hundred seventy-five thousand, four hundred twenty-four times... forty-two million, one hundred thirty-two thousand, nine hundred ninety-six?”

378,161,503,490,304,” Kalos replied without pausing to think.


Now for Rainbow Dash.

“What number am I thinking of, smart guy?” Rainbow Dash asked.

Ha ha ha!” Kalos' laughter was like nails against a chalkboard. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, so predictable. You are thinking of the number of Wonderbolt fliers in a formation, plus 1. Six.


Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight stepped up to the plate. She smirked, then said, “Is the following sentence true: 'This sentence is false?'”


“Hah! That's logically—”

You asked if it is true. It is not. Neither is it false. It is a logical paradox, and thus neither 'true' nor 'false' apply.

“I... wait, hold on...”

Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie hopped forward, but her normally chipper features were flat and serious. “Fa-la-fa do-mi?”


“Fa-ti sol-mi.” She returned back to her spot as though that weren't almost as strange as having a demon in the library. At their confusion, she said in Equestrian, “What? I thought he wouldn't know a made-up language!”

Then I believe there is only one pony left: The Lady of the Veil. I expect something very impressive from you.

The others all turned to her. She replied smoothly, “What about Fluttershy?”

She is mine for the moment. She does not have a say in this.

“Very well. Then I will ask you this: Who is my mother?”

Kalos seemed confused for a moment. He put his hands into a rectangle, and between them appeared the image of a chubby mare in tacky pink pants. “Cookie Crumbles. She is your mother.

“I'm afraid not. Look more closely.”

Kalos paused for a moment. “I see. You carry her genes, but she is not your true mother. I misunderstood your question. Allow me to look further.

“Of course,” Rarity replied, betraying nothing.

Kalos closed his eyes. With each passing moment, he grew more and more incensed. “Where is she?! I don't understand!” At last, he slumped down and released Fluttershy. “I concede. You have proven I do not know all. Only one thing I ask. Where is your mother, that I might learn who she is?

Rarity motioned for him to stoop down. He leaned forward, and she brought her mouth to his ear and whispered, “Behind the Veil.”

Kalos reeled back. “You... you wouldn't...

“Run along now. I won't have any delays.”

He vanished in a puff of yellowy-black smoke. The other effects of his terribly presence began to slowly fade, even the busted-down door, until it was only the six of them, the middle of the night, and deathly quiet.

Applejack was the first to break the silence. “Ah reckon we just traded one mystery for another.”

“Wow, Rarity! I didn't know you were some kind of sneaky, sassy, demon-outsmarting veil-lady!” Pinkie chirped.

“But what was he talking about?” Twilight asked. “Why did you seem so comfortable with him? Why did he call you 'The Lady of the Veil?' How did you know to challenge him? I mean, I've heard of him from old Unicornia stories, but you knew exactly what to do!”

“I think that's a story for another time,” Rarity replied. “For now, I'm just glad everything worked out. Twilight, Fluttershy fixed your proofs for you, so you don't have to worry about that. And Fluttershy, darling, promise me you won't make any more pacts with demons, won't you?”

“Of course, Rarity. I've learned my lesson.”

“And before you ask, Rainbow Dash, yes, there is a demon of speed, and no, you may not talk to her.”


“Pinkie Pie, it might be best if you stay out of the katadimensions for a little while. Kalos has friends down there, if you know what I mean.”


“And Applejack... just... you're smart enough not to make deals with demons, right?”

“Darn tootin'!”

“Good then. Well, it's quite past my bedtime, so I will bid you all adieu.” With that, Rarity headed off into the night.

“I don't know how I'm going to sleep,” Fluttershy said. “My thoughts are all over the place.”

“I'm actually pretty drained,” Rainbow Dash said. “I'll help you home, Flutters.” And they both trotted out as well.

“Applejack, Pinkie Pie, can you two find your way back?” Twilight said.

“Sure! Sugarcube Corner's not far.”

“Yeah, it's no biggie. These streets are pretty safe.”

“Then I'm heading to bed too.” She turned and went up the stairs, muttering to herself, “How did Spike sleep through all of that?”

Applejack turned to ask Pinkie a question, but she was already long gone. Applejack shrugged and walked down the path. Once she was content that nopony was around to watch, she whispered to the air, “Why wasn't I told she was the Lady of the Veil?”

The air shimmered like a pool under moonlight, then a face materialized in front of her. “She has been very careful to hide her tracks, Mistress,” said the face.

“Well, she could be a major stumbling block to our goals, Tovaris,” Applejack said. “Do the others have plans for such a scenario?”

Plans within plans, Mistress,” Tovaris replied.

“Good.” Applejack continued walking. “Then we must act soon, or she may come on to us. We must find the Veil and tear it asunder.”

And then we shall eat again?” Tovaris asked.

“Yes,” Applejack replied. “And on that day, you shall have better fare than my parents. You shall have the blood of the goddesses themselves.”

I welcome it!” Tovaris cried.

“As do I.”