• Published 16th Jul 2013
  • 3,145 Views, 212 Comments

It's Impossible! - AlicornPriest

Twilight discovers that magic is impossible. Things go from bad to worse in a hurry.

  • ...

Part 3: Ponies are Impossible!

It's the sort of thing you notice as a goddess: mass hysteria amongst your subjects. It's the second sort of thing you notice as a goddess: your powers don't work anymore. Celestia woke up and immediately noticed those two things. She pulled herself out of her bed and saw that the sun had come up without her doing so. Odd, she thought. She was never one to let herself jump to a conclusion, however: perhaps Luna had raised it for her. Perhaps her inability to use her magic was from some situation that could easily be remedied, or that was only temporary. As to the rioting just outside her window, well, she was sure she could figure out what was wrong. She made her way to the parapet, where a crowd of angry unicorns gestured and shouted at her. “My little ponies!” she called out. “There is no reason to panic. Please, tell me what's going on!”

“Our magic is gone!” came the response.

“Our cutie marks aren't there anymore!” cried out another voice.

“Our coats are turning brown!” said another voice.

“We don't know what's going on!”

“Please, settle down, everypony. I'm sure I can figure out the source of all of these problems,” Celestia assured them. She turned back and went into her room. “I have no idea what's going on,” she said to herself. “I wonder if Twilight knows anything about it.”

As if she'd summoned it, a letter appeared beside her. She opened it up (with her hooves, a surprisingly difficult task).

Dear Princess Celestia:

Gosh, this dragon fire stuff is super-duper convenient! I mean, not having to pay for postage is nice enough, but then not even having to wait a week for a response, boy, that's wonderful! Anywho, there's something you need to know. Twilight is brown, and now she's turning me brown. Okay, bad place to start. Twilight has gone insane and is destroying the entire universe by saying stuff's impossible. Okay, still not far enough back. Okay, so Twilight was trying to figure out how magic worked, but then she couldn't, and then-- what do you mean there's not enough space for Twilight's entire life story? Okay, fine. Please come soon. I'm sure she'll listen to you, Princess.

Pinkie Pie

Sigh... Of course it was Twilight's fault that all this was happening, Celestia thought. The girl never knew her boundaries. Well, no time like the present. After quickly trying and failing at teleporting and flying to Ponyville, she decided to take the road. She might have lost the majority of her powers, but she was still strong, fast, and most importantly, had much longer legs than most ponies. She could still get to Ponyville quickly by hoof. She prayed that Twilight could wait the few minutes for her to get there before she completely ruined Equestria.


“...and that's how I proved that manticores, hydras, cockatrices, changelings, phoenixes, fruit bats, Ursa Majorae and Minorae, timberwolves, parasprites, diamond dogs, minotaurs, hell hounds, griffons, draconequii, windigos, quarray eels, sea serpents, changelings, and dragons are all impossible!”

“Twilight... please stop...” Pinkie moaned. She'd been sitting here, listening to Twilight disprove everything she held close to her heart, from the equine capacity for consuming baked goods to her beloved Pinkie Sense, and she just wanted it to stop. She feared that, by the end of Twilight's rant, she wouldn't be able to say her own name. Of course, she couldn't in good faith say her name anyway, as she was no longer pink. Her coat was now completely brown; not mottled like Twilight's, but not the beloved pink she used to have. She contented herself with the fact that Brownie was an acceptably delicious name to have instead.

Thankfully, Twilight's current rant (something about wing tendons and connective tissue) came to a halt, as Rarity came charging into the library, screaming bloody murder. “Twilight! What have you disproven now? You've turned my coat black!”

“I did?” Twilight said. She tipped her head to the side. “That's odd. White should have been okay. Based on my calculation of normal keratin phenotyping--”

“There's no time for phenotyping!” Rarity moaned. “I look ridiculous! What sort of dresses am I supposed to wear with this? You can't even see my cutie mark anymore...”

“That's all right. After all, cutie marks are--”

“Impossible, yes. You told me,” Brownie said with a sigh.

“I was telling Rarity,” Twilight said. She huffed, then turned back to Brownie. “So as I was saying, pegasus connective tissue--”

“Oh, give it a rest, Twilight,” Rarity said.

“Why do we keep interrupting each other?!” Twilight cried out.

“I don't know what we're yelling about!” Brownie added to the mix.

“Hey guys, I heard screaming. What's up?” Rainbow Dash came walking in through the open door. When she saw Rarity and Brownie, she just about cracked up. “You guys look ridiculous! What happened to you?”

“The same thing that happened to you, Rainbow. Or should I say, Gray-nbow?” Rarity replied. She smirked as Rainbow looked at her mane in the nearest mirror in shock.

“My... my mane!” She tipped it down to look at the rest of her. “My coat! My tail! They've all gone gray! What kind of Rainbow am I?”

“Just call yourself something else. I'm Brownie now!” Brownie said.

“Pinkie, that's ridiculous. You're still 'Pinkie,' even if you're not pink,” Twilight said.

“Aww...” Pinkie said.

“Although now that you mention it, how do pony names even work? I mean, why was Scootaloo named Scootaloo before she got her scooter?”

“Oh don't even go there,” said Rarity. “And don't you say it's impossible, or else I have no idea what's going to happen.”

“I'm just saying, it doesn't make sense.”

“We've got bigger issues than not making sense!” Rainbow Dash told them. “As I was coming here, I saw a whole bunch of ponies marching towards here, and they looked angry!”

“What?” Rarity stammered, “Bu-but how would they know to come here?”

“Uhh... someone may have leaked that it was Twilight making everything happen.”

“Graynbow, how could you?” Pinkie said to her.

“Don't call me Graynbow, Pinkie!”

“Girls... they're getting closer!” Rarity told them.

“What do we do?” Pinkie asked.

“Don't worry about it. I'll explain everything,” Twilight replied.

“Why does that not fill me with confidence?” said Rainbow Dash.

But it was too late. The crowd had already gathered around the library and were calling for blood. “All right, Twilight,” Rarity said to her, “if you think you can do it, go out there and talk to them.”

“I know I can do it,” she replied. She stepped out onto her front porch and began her speech. “Everyone, please! I know you may not be completely happy with everything that's happened, but I promise you, it's all for the best! I've discovered the truth about this world: there is no magic, no flight, no strange, science-breaking anomalies. The world is a happy, normal place, and we can still do all the things we normally love without the aid of such fabrications. We can still read books, drink tea, and use heavy machinery. Actually, that last one might be pretty hard, since hooves can't grab levers. Or teacups. Or books. But the point still stands! We can still live in a normal society without what we used to think we had.”

Strangely, that speech didn't seem to convince anypony. “That's ridiculous,” came one voice. “How can I play the harp without magic?” came another. “Why didn't I bring a pitchfork?” came the quavering voice of Granny Smith. One of the ponies stepped forward from the crowd and asked plainly, “All right then, Miss Smarty-Hooves. Tell us. Why did we think we had magic before?”

“I'm not totally sure, to be honest,” she replied. “My current money's on hypnosuggestive cave gas. But rest assured, the science stands with me, and now your perception does, too!”

“Excuse me, everypony.” All in attendance bowed as Princess Celestia came through the crowd. “Hello, Twilight. I'm very disappointed in you,” she stated.

“Why? I've been doing my best to understand the world. Is that a crime?”

“It is when it somehow destroys the natural order of life and brings my ponies to riot,” Celestia replied. “Now, what exactly have you been doing?”

“Well, yesterday morning, I disproved magic. Everything else just sort of fell into place from there.”

“You disproved...” Celestia sighed, and placed a hoof against her face. “Twilight, that doesn't make sense at all. You can't disprove magic any more than you can disprove gravity or life.”

“But I did, didn't I? And now it doesn't exist.” Twilight stood proudly.

“Very well. What else have you proven?”

“Princess!” Rarity ran up to Celestia's side. “Who knows what will happen if you give her free rein?”

“Don't worry. I only want to see what she believes. I'm sure the disappearance of magic and Twilight 'disproving' it are some sort of coincidence.”

“Well, after I disproved magic, I proved that flying is impossible. Then I showed that earth pony mass is impossible and pegasus cloud-walking is impossible. That was up to last night. This morning, I've disproven the formation of off-color keratin; the general absurdities of the pony diet; the effect of plants such as Poison Joke and Heart's Desire upon the body; the supernatural control of the sun and moon; the post-subterranean growth of crystals, gems, and other stones; the existence of hybrid creatures, supernatural creatures, and the like; and I was just about to explain to Pinkie/Brownie how pegasus wings are impossible, unicorn horns are impossible, and the general shape of our eyes, legs, torsos, and heads are particularly impossible.”

The very moment she said that, every pony in the crowd began a swift transformation. Every wing disappeared from the sides of pegasi and alicorns; horns disappeared from the heads of unicorns and alicorns; and their bodies turned more horselike, tall and slender and gangly.

Celestia only stared at her. With as much sarcasm as she could muster while still maintaining her princessly decorum, she remarked, “Any other brilliant discoveries lately?”

“Yeah, actually,” Twilight said. “Ponies don't have vocal cords. How do they even talk?”

“Don't you dare!” every pony in the crowd shouted as one.

“It's impossible!” Twilight said.

And all of the ponies were struck mute. Celestia opened her mouth to say something, but all that came out was a strange whinnying noise. She put a hoof to her throat and tried again, to no avail. The rest of the crowd began to scream and whinny and neigh, but not a word came from their lips.

But Twilight wasn't done. Oh, no. She still had more to prove. She showed them her notes. There, towards the bottom, was a picture of a pony brain. She read it as best as she could, although it just sounded like neighs: “The pony brain is not sufficiently large enough to exhibit and contain the necessary processes for advanced neurological activity. Only carnivorous or omnivorous creatures, particularly primates and cetaceans, have the potential for upper thought, such as sapience, sentience, and consideration of the self. It is my determination, therefore, that it is impossible for ponies, cows, and other ruminants to be intelligent.”

And it was so. All of ponydom was suddenly converted into the base intelligence of their kind. But one last thought flashed through the mind of what was Twilight Sparkle. She considered the world that they lived in. Why would the world be named Equestria, after the species that lived there? If they weren't intelligent enough to name it themselves, then only one conclusion came to mind.

I'm sure you readers have come to the same one. There is no way Equestria could exist. No way that ponies could walk that little world, no way that they could live and breathe and interact with each other. Equestria cannot, must not be.

It's impossible.

Author's Note:

And there you go! Twilight has conclusively disproven her entire existence! Thanks for reading! :D

...Oh, you thought that was depressing? Don't worry, there are a couple alternate ends coming up. Don't fret. Hopefully they'll be just as entertaining. ;)