• Published 9th Jul 2013
  • 1,971 Views, 242 Comments

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Stories and poems too short for individual publication (including some award-winning minifics).

  • ...

Through The Fire And Flames

"I can't go to school, ma," Blue Oyster mumbled from underneath the covers. "I've got a fever."

Her mother gripped the comforter in one hand — for the sole purpose of demonstrating that this was an Equestria Girls fic — then threw it back and tut-tutted maternally. "You're just feeling that way that's because you're on fire, dear."

Blue walked over to the bathroom mirror and looked at her blue skin and her poofy purple hair. The latter was unaffected both by gravity and bed-head. The former was a fetching shade of teal. Her birth name was actually Mossy Clam, and with every day she was appreciating more and more having renamed herself as an act of teenage rebellion.

Also, her mom was right. She was burning, burning like a flame.

The fire didn't hurt her, though. They were old friends.

"Get dressed, dear," Mom said. "The school cannon fires in four seconds."

"But what if I'm contagious? I don't want to burn any bridges —"

There was a loud thump. Blue screamed as she hurtled through the air, then crashed and burned into the roof of the schoolmansion. Morissette-ironically, it was already aflame.

Her phone dinged. "If you're that worried, dear, go see the school nurse," Mom texted.

Blue walked to Vice-Princess Luna's office. Luna doubled as the school nurse whenever she was feeling sexy enough to play dress-up in her long stockings, short skirt, and skin-hugging white top. She was also a real doctor, and had graduated at the top of her class. She had merely made career choices that allowed her to combine her dual loves of intellectual stimulation and gratuitous fanservice. Blue told herself, not for the first time, that that made her fantasies okay.

"Luna?" Blue asked.

"One moment," Luna said, her attention on Snips and Snails, who were tied to the operating table in front of her, which definitely didn't double as anything else during off hours. "What am I going to do with you two troublemakers? The roof is on fire, there's smoke on the swimming pool, and the inferno's spreading to the disco."

"We didn't start the fire!" Snails protested.



"Oohhh," Blue moaned. "I'm on fire."

The three of them stopped and looked at Blue.

"Well, there's a hunka burning love," Snails whispered to Snips.

"Yeah, I'd fall into her ring of fire, if you know what I mean," Snips whispered back.

Luna frowned. "Blue Oyster, so help me, if you're about to tell me that you're burnin', you're burnin' for me —"

"No, ma'am. I woke up this morning like this."

"Oh," Luna said, relaxing. "Well, that's different then." She put on a pair of sexy reading glasses, crossed her legs, and flipped through her copy of the script. "That's just Sudden Incomprehensible Protagonist Syndrome."

"What's the best medicine for it?" Blue prompted, with subtle emphasis.

"The best medicine?" Luna said in the trademark voice she sporadically used. "Well, if you want to not be a protagonist any more, the best thing to do is to fall into a plot hole."

"Where do I find one of those?"

"Oh, it should be easy. Just check the Meghan McCarthy wing."

Blue made her way there, in a grand adventure that spanned weeks and earned her the enduring friendship of all of the Elements of Harmony and taught her valuable life lessons and turned her into a princess, all of which was cut to fit this story into 750 words.

"Blue, look!" Rainbow Dash pointed as they entered the hall. "It's the Cowbell of Destiny!"

Blue gasped. She sprinted past the traps, dodged the assassins, and redirected the fanboys toward Vice-Princess Luna. She reached out for the instrument with a trembling hand.

"You can do it!" Pinkie Pie cheered.

She did it. The other students, plus Twilight Sparkle and Spike, cheered. They threw a parade in her honor. She banged the cowbell over her head, and the flames were extinguished like the plot device they were.

"Well, I'm glad that's over with," Blue sighed. "I mean, really, I've been on fire for weeks now."

Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Because scientifically speaking, spontaneous human combustion is fatal in less than a minute."

Blue Oyster fell into the plot hole, screaming.

Twilight Sparkle blinked and looked around. "Where are we, girls, and how come I feel like we just pointlessly wasted a whole bunch of time we're never getting back?"

Applejack shrugged. "I dunno."

"Me, either," Rarity said. "Fro-yo?"

"Sounds good to me," Fluttershy whispered.

So they all went out for dessert.

Author's Note:

Written in a single sleep-deprived hour for the Writeoff Association "The Best Medicine" competition, after some joking in the discussion thread about whether we'd see stories that needed more cowbell.

This didn't even come close to making the competition's finals. I'm as shocked as you are. (Edit: YEEEEAAAAAHHH 64th PLACE OUT OF 101 WOOOOOOOOOO)

20 Horizon Points if you caught all the song references. 5 Horizon Points if you caught the one in paragraph 5.

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