"I can't go to school, ma," Blue Oyster mumbled from underneath the covers. "I've got a fever."
Her mother gripped the comforter in one hand — for the sole purpose of demonstrating that this was an Equestria Girls fic — then threw it back and tut-tutted maternally. "You're just feeling that way that's because you're on fire, dear."
Blue walked over to the bathroom mirror and looked at her blue skin and her poofy purple hair. The latter was unaffected both by gravity and bed-head. The former was a fetching shade of teal. Her birth name was actually Mossy Clam, and with every day she was appreciating more and more having renamed herself as an act of teenage rebellion.
Also, her mom was right. She was burning, burning like a flame.
The fire didn't hurt her, though. They were old friends.
"Get dressed, dear," Mom said. "The school cannon fires in four seconds."
"But what if I'm contagious? I don't want to burn any bridges —"
There was a loud thump. Blue screamed as she hurtled through the air, then crashed and burned into the roof of the schoolmansion. Morissette-ironically, it was already aflame.
Her phone dinged. "If you're that worried, dear, go see the school nurse," Mom texted.
Blue walked to Vice-Princess Luna's office. Luna doubled as the school nurse whenever she was feeling sexy enough to play dress-up in her long stockings, short skirt, and skin-hugging white top. She was also a real doctor, and had graduated at the top of her class. She had merely made career choices that allowed her to combine her dual loves of intellectual stimulation and gratuitous fanservice. Blue told herself, not for the first time, that that made her fantasies okay.
"Luna?" Blue asked.
"One moment," Luna said, her attention on Snips and Snails, who were tied to the operating table in front of her, which definitely didn't double as anything else during off hours. "What am I going to do with you two troublemakers? The roof is on fire, there's smoke on the swimming pool, and the inferno's spreading to the disco."
"We didn't start the fire!" Snails protested.
"Luna!"
"What?"
"Oohhh," Blue moaned. "I'm on fire."
The three of them stopped and looked at Blue.
"Well, there's a hunka burning love," Snails whispered to Snips.
"Yeah, I'd fall into her ring of fire, if you know what I mean," Snips whispered back.
Luna frowned. "Blue Oyster, so help me, if you're about to tell me that you're burnin', you're burnin' for me —"
"No, ma'am. I woke up this morning like this."
"Oh," Luna said, relaxing. "Well, that's different then." She put on a pair of sexy reading glasses, crossed her legs, and flipped through her copy of the script. "That's just Sudden Incomprehensible Protagonist Syndrome."
"What's the best medicine for it?" Blue prompted, with subtle emphasis.
"The best medicine?" Luna said in the trademark voice she sporadically used. "Well, if you want to not be a protagonist any more, the best thing to do is to fall into a plot hole."
"Where do I find one of those?"
"Oh, it should be easy. Just check the Meghan McCarthy wing."
Blue made her way there, in a grand adventure that spanned weeks and earned her the enduring friendship of all of the Elements of Harmony and taught her valuable life lessons and turned her into a princess, all of which was cut to fit this story into 750 words.
"Blue, look!" Rainbow Dash pointed as they entered the hall. "It's the Cowbell of Destiny!"
Blue gasped. She sprinted past the traps, dodged the assassins, and redirected the fanboys toward Vice-Princess Luna. She reached out for the instrument with a trembling hand.
"You can do it!" Pinkie Pie cheered.
She did it. The other students, plus Twilight Sparkle and Spike, cheered. They threw a parade in her honor. She banged the cowbell over her head, and the flames were extinguished like the plot device they were.
"Well, I'm glad that's over with," Blue sighed. "I mean, really, I've been on fire for weeks now."
Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow. "Seriously? Because scientifically speaking, spontaneous human combustion is fatal in less than a minute."
Blue Oyster fell into the plot hole, screaming.
Twilight Sparkle blinked and looked around. "Where are we, girls, and how come I feel like we just pointlessly wasted a whole bunch of time we're never getting back?"
Applejack shrugged. "I dunno."
"Me, either," Rarity said. "Fro-yo?"
"Sounds good to me," Fluttershy whispered.
So they all went out for dessert.
I'd like to say that I apologize in advance for this one, but by the time you read this comment, I've most likely already inflicted the chapter on you.
So, uh, sorry? I'll post the other, less brainless, competition entries after judging wraps up this weekend.
5765133
You're not forgiven.
Ah, Morisette-irony, where the only actual irony is that there isn't any irony present.
Thank you again for writing this.
It's good that you wrote this.
I mean, you saw a prompt, and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but it appears that you did not have a searing, white-hot perfect idea to fill said prompt. You knew your idea was kind of brainless, you knew the possibility of a win was slim. This is the point a lesser author would have given up, where I personally would have given up. But you didn't. You created anyway. And you know what? No matter what you feel about it, your submission to this writeoff prompt was infinitely better than mine, because I took one look, gave up and didn't write one at all. You are to be genuinely commended.
5768346
Thank you for the kind words, and I really mean that, even though I probably don't need any consolation right now.
Everything I write, to some extent, is an experiment. This experimented with lowbrow. It did about as well as I expected. (Better, actually, although stupid 5765235 with his stupid guess that I wrote it ruined my chances of winning an anonymity mask. I'm now the Writeoff record holder for most consecutive stories that at least one guesser was able to identify as mine.)
And now your collection goes into my favorites. :V
5769668
It wasn't really an act of consolation, as such. I was legitimately envious of you for doing what you did.
5765235 You could say he's The Unforgiven.
Haha, I like this game!
\m/\m/
6002912 Oh. Duh.
6002912
6000388
For what it's worth, I took Celestia's arguments a different way:
She knows that Twilight is a master of logic, and uses unsound reasoning against her. To put it another way: Twilight thinks they're playing chess, when in reality it's wiffle ball.
TL;DR: Celestia's just messing with Twilight's head
6209771
No, you don't understand, there is zero temptation. :|
This is some crazy stuff. I am entertained!
-10 for Godzilla not stomping through, followed by Mounties in hot pursuit.
7823681
Yeah, this bombed in the writeoff but I have a special place for it in my heart.
> Through The Fire And Flames
> Blue Oyster
golly gee, someone around here listens to good music
10203266
You always go back to the classics!