For more than a thousand years, Celestia has ruled over Equestria, and a lasting harmony has been draped over the land like a blanket for nearly a millennia. But really, what is Harmony? And why is Chaos it's opposite?
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Working title, working storyline, working everything really. Let me know if you think this just needs to be sent to the junk heap, or if you would like to hear more.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I have to say that the concept immediately caught my interest, given that I, too, am expanding on the concept of antitheses to the Elements of Harmony. Although there is definitely noticeable room for improvement, since I liked a lot of things that you did, I will try and offer a bit of constructive criticism.
1) Show, don't tell.
I'm pretty sure you've heard of this before, but in case you either haven't or need tips on how better to do it, here's a link. I noticed this primarily in the opening scene describing the cold. Don't just say that it was cold, expand on how the cold affected the setting and characters. You can look up the best specific methods to show, not tell or check out the link.
2) Alicorn OC.
I'm not sure how this is used or how important this element of the character is, but this is a charcter type that you must absolutely never use. This OC could be the most complex, well thought out, likable character ever written, but people will still accuse him of being a "Mary Sue" (geez I hate that term) anyway. If you can find any possible method to tweak the story so that this character is just a unicorn, I would advise that you do it now.
That said.
Here are a couple things I really liked about your story:
1) The explanation of magic.
One of the best things about writing MLP fanfiction, in my humble opinion, is the ability to expand on the gigantically open-ended fantasy concepts such as magic. The way you described magic was very impressive, and probably the most striking part that led me to realize that you and this story have a lot of pontential.
2) The buildup to the reveal of the OC.
Despite that the payoff for this was partially slighted by the fact that your OC's an alicorn, the buildup was very well done. I love the way that you contrasted the grim and grimy perception/state of the OC with Twilight's purity, and how you contrasted his bitter knowledge with her curious innocence. The long delay in revealing anything about the character made me legitimately interested in who he is.
I fav'd the story, just in case you decide to continue. :3
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Thanks for the advice, and for the follow :D I definitely take your show don't tell idea to heart, and its something I've been working on for a while (I regret to admit I get bored writing about parts of my stories at times, and will sometimes rush through descriptions to get to juicy writing. Bad habit I know) And number two was already taken care of in the planning, so I've got that one covered, but it's good to have that advice, because I am a bit unsure how to end up writing in the alicorns/princesses I do have planned, and your advice will be most helpful there. Given the positive response I've gotten even from a half a day here, I do believe I may continue, so stay tuned.
I love it. The way you sidestepped the 'alicorn OC' thing was well-done, the condition of the OC made me legitimately curious as to his origins, and I loved the hilarious side-effects of the zoomberries. xD
Jolly good show--I say, old chap, this is quite a lovely story.
o_Q