Twilight’s head was lying on Rainbow’s hospital bed as she snored softly, her ear flicking to the distant sound of nurses chatting.
Just inches away from Rainbow’s head, her wing twitched in her sleep, and she groaned as she groggily opened her eyes. She tried to move ever so slightly, expecting her body cast to block her movement, but it seemed that the doctors had removed it. Flexing her muscles, she suddenly realized that her left wing didn’t respond to any command from her brain.
She gulped heavily as she felt shivers down her spine, unable to accept the worst-case scenario. ‘No, no, no...’ her mind was racing, ‘The wing is okay... It’s just a little damaged,’ she tried to lie to herself, ‘I’ll-I’ll just fly slower, but I-I’ll still be able to fly... The doctors are wrong. They-they have to be wrong! I need my wings. I am the greatest flyer in all Equestria.’
She was terrified. ‘I have to know,’ she thought to herself as she clenched her teeth, mentally preparing herself for the truth.
She turned her head to her right side, revealing a majestic, slightly ruffled, but generally undamaged wing. She caught herself letting out just a little sigh of relief. “I can still feel this wing, but why can’t I feel the other one?“ She closed her eyes and slowly turned her head to the other side. “Please Celestia... Let it be fine,” she whispered pleadingly as she slowly opened her eyes.
She was shocked with what she saw. She expected most of her wing to still be intact, but what she saw left her speechless. She had expected to see her wing in some sort of cast, but instead she found just a small bandaged stump in its place. As she stared at the stump of her wing, she felt a tear fall from her eye and onto the pillow below, quickly followed by another. And another. ‘I-I used to be the mare that d-doesn’t cry, now I’m the pegasus that doesn’t fly.’ She dug her face into the pillow and started weeping, accidentally pushing Twilight’s head off the bed, making her wake up with a start.
Twilight opened her eyes, prodding Rainbow’s mane and asking in soothing voice: “Hey, are you ok—,” stopping the moment she realized the asininity of the question she just formed, quickly putting a hoof in her mouth as trying to shove the words she just blurted back inside of her. She wanted to quickly apologize for that, but the damage was already done as she heard Rainbow’s sobbing abruptly stop and her head rise slowly from the pillow.
“Am I okay?” Rainbow turned to Twilight and snorted, tears streaming down her face.
“...Rainbow?”
“Am I okay?” her voice now deepening as she repeated herself again.
“Rainbow? You’re scaring me...”
“But of course I’m okay, can’t you see?” Rainbow asked calmly, her face now plastered with an obviously fake grin. “I’ll just go and perform a sonic rainboom or two tomorrow. Or maybe even today. Because I’m perfectly okay.”
“Rainbow, I didn’t—”
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M OKAY?” Rainbow shouted, causing everypony around to turn their heads towards her, “THE LIGHTNING BOLT KILLED ME! I’M NOPONY NOW! NOTHING! EVERYTHING THAT DEFINED ME DIED AT THAT VERY MOMENT!”
“But I—”
“And here I was, thinking that you’re the smartest pony in Equestria.” Rainbow said with bitterness in her voice. “Get lost, Twilight. I don’t need you here anymore.”
“N-no.” Twilight replied defensively.
“GET LOST, TARDY!”
Twilight sobbed, her tears trickling onto the floor. “Rainbow please, no...”
“GET LOST!” Rainbow screamed.
Without another word, Twilight bolted from her chair and galloped out of the room, leaving a trail of tears all along the highway.
“Get lost, Twilight...” the pegasus sniffled as she watched her friend leave. “Get lost,” she cried. “I don’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want anypony to see me like this...”
She sunk her face back into the pillow as she continued to sob.
Nurse Redheart trotted inside Rainbow’s room with a clipboard and said in a soothing voice, “You need to rest, miss Dash.” She pressed some buttons on the nearby console. “This will let you sleep for the next several hours, so sweet dreams!”
As the painkiller and sedative cocktail took effect, Rainbow slowly drifted off to sleep, the pain in the stump of her wing slowly fading away.
~*~*~
As Twilight galloped through the streets of Ponyville crying, several of the town ponies called her name, but she ignored them, letting the pounding of her hooves drown out everything around her.
As she approached the library, she threw open the door with her magic, slamming it against the wall, leaving it ajar. As she ran up the stairs to her bedroom, the pounding of her hooves woke up her sleeping assistant, who fell out his bed in shock.
“What’s going on? T-Twilight?” Spike groaned as he heard Twilight run past him and dive onto her bed. “W-what’s wrong?”
Twilight raised her head from the pillow, turning it towards the dragon, “It-it’s nothing, Spike,” she sniffled, trying to hide her tears.
“Right,” Spike deadpanned. “It’s not nothing if you gallop into the library in tears, nearly smash the doors into splinters, AND almost break the bed when you threw yourself on it. Twilight; what’s wrong?”
“I-it’s Rainbow,” she sniffled again, letting a tear slid down her cheek.
“What happened?” Spike said in concerned voice.
Twilight looked into the dragon’s inquisitive eyes and hung her head, sighing heavily, “I messed up, Spike.”
“Twilight?”
“I-I just asked her if she’s okay, and she snapped at me...she screamed at me and told me to get lost.”
“But she usually doesn’t act like this, does she?”
“I-I don’t know, Spike,” she sniffled “I think that she took the loss of her wing far worse than I thought she would,” she paused, looking at the dragon. “Spike, I’m scared.”
“Scared? Of Rainbow Dash?”
“I’ve never seen her like that, Spike. These past few days... I’m scared of what she might try to do. I’m scared of her.”
“Twilight?”
“I’m scared for her, Spike.”
Twilight squeezed the little dragon tightly as she sobbed softly into his shoulder.
A short distance away, Applejack and Rarity were quickly making their way towards the library, after hearing several ponies talk about Twilight crying through town.
“I sure hope Twi’s ok...” Applejack said worriedly, unknowingly increasing her pace.
Rarity huffed as she tried to catch up to the earth pony, “I wonder what could have upset Twilight so much...” she huffed again, pausing for a moment as she caught her breath... “Do you think... it could be about... Rainbow...?”
Catching up to Applejack, they turn the corner and approach the library, quickly noticing that the door was lazily swinging on its hinges.
“What in the hay happened here?” Applejack asked herself just as she heard soft sobs coming from upstairs. “Wait, it sounds like she’s in her bedroom!”
Both Rarity and Applejack galloped up the stairs and into Twilight’s bedroom, and Rarity quickly spotted the sobbing librarian lying on her bed.
“Twilight? Twilight, are you okay?” Rarity asked with concern as she trotted up to her friend.
“N-No.”
“What’s the matter, sugarcube?”
“It’s about...” Twilight haltingly said. “Rainbow.”
“What happened?”
Twilight recapitulated the events, leaving nothing out, making her two friends pale in shock as they listened to her story.
“W-what?” Applejack stepped back a bit, “Twilight; what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know, Applejack,” Twilight sighed. “I’ll talk to the doctors... I hope that there’s something that they can do for her...” Changing subjects, she said, “I-I need to write to Princess Celestia.“ Another tear slid down her cheek as she looked at the earth pony. “I don’t know what to do, girls... I really don’t.”
“It’s okay, sugarcube...,” Applejack said in a soothing voice. Both of them leaned forward, embracing Twilight in a tight hug, “Ya know that ya can always rely on us. We’ll find some way to help her. Don’t ya worry,” her voice wavered. ‘I hope,’ she added in her mind.
Twilight shook her head and wiped her tears as the group hug loosened. “I-I’m sorry. I’m most likely keeping you away from your plans.”
“What nonsense,” Rarity replied. “We were on our way to visit Rainbow Dash... We just wondered, if you wanted to come and visit her with us...”
Twilight looked up to the white unicorn, sniffling, “I-I just need some time alone...”
“Are you gonna be alright, Twilight?” Applejack asked.
Twilight nodded, smiling faintly. “I will. But look at this mess... I should really clean this up.”
Rarity met Applejack’s gaze, turning it back to the librarian a moment later. “Twilight?”
“I know, Rarity,” Twilight sighed, “I just need a distraction for a while. I’ll visit Rainbow later on and hopefully work something out.”
The three ponies shared another group hug before Applejack and Rarity set off on their way, leaving Twilight and Spike alone once again.
“Do you want me to clean this up?” the little dragon asked with concern, breaking the awkward silence.
“No, Spike,” Twilight replied “I need to take my mind off of things. You can take the rest of the day off, if you like... You deserve it, anyways.”
“Well, in that case,” Spike sounded cheerfully. “I think I’ll go and visit Sugarcube Corner. I hear that they’ve got a bunch of new ice cream flavors...”
Twilight sighed as Spike left the library with a soft click of the front door. With her thoughts still lingering on Rainbow’s reactions, she lit her horn, and picked up a trash can and a broom. Still deep in her thoughts, she bumped into a bookshelf with enough force to cause a loose book to fall to the ground with a loud bang, startling her out of her reverie.
The task at hoof now completely forgotten, Twilight took a deep breath and focused on reading the book lying in front of her as she muttered to herself: “Maybe I’ve missed something in here...”
~*~*~
“Hey guys!” Rainbow chimed happily upon seeing Rarity and Applejack enter her hospital room. “What’s up?”
The two ponies looked at each other. From what Twilight had just described to them, they expected bitterness to be radiating from Rainbow, and certainly not cheerfulness.
“Rainbow? Are you okay?” Applejack asked quizzically.
“I’m awesome. Why do you ask?”
“We stumbled into Twilight on our way here, and she wasn’t looking or sounding too happy. What happened?”
“Eh, it was nothing. Just a minor disagreement; nothing more.”
“Um, Rainbow?” Applejack asked suspiciously “She said it was much more than that.”
“Ah, you know Twilight. She might exaggerate the situation a little bit. You know what she told Fluttershy when she took Philomena.” the pegasus chuckled a bit. “She’s just Twilight... You know how she is...”
“Mhm,” grunted Applejack, unconvinced.
“Seriously, it was nothing... So I hear you two are a pair now? For how long?” Rainbow switched the topic, hoping to avoid the question she knew would be asked.
Applejack and Rarity looked at each other, frowning. “Yes we are; we’ve been dating for a few months now,” Rarity confirmed, “We’ve grown closer on the day that your... wing... Oh, my.”
Rainbow winced when her ears stumbled on the word wing.
“Rainbow? Are you okay?” Applejack asked in concerned voice.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” Rainbow lied. “I’ve just remembered how awful the food is in this place... I can’t wait to get out of here...” she added.
A few moments of awkward silence passed between the three friends.
Applejack was the first to break it by asking the question that was lingering in the air from the moment of the visitor’s arrival: “So, uhhh...how are yer wings?”
Rainbow expected this question, but still found herself shocked upon hearing it. Her throat locked up, unable to muster anything but a raspy whisper of ‘fine.’
Applejack wanted to argue with that, but the moment she opened her mouth a white hoof prevented her from arguing with the validity of Rainbow’s answer.
Rarity didn't need to shake her head for Applejack to understand her disapproval. “Hurry up and get better, Rainbow Dash,” she said sweetly as she turned towards Rainbow “I already have a brand new dress ready for you, and it’s at least twenty percent cooler than your previous one!”
All three ponies started to snicker and giggle.
“We must go now, Rainbow.” Rarity said. “Granny Smith isn’t doing so well lately, and we’ve promised that we’ll visit her. Take care.”
“It was nice seeing you guys.” said Rainbow as she waved her hoof goodbye. “Oh, and tell Twilight that I’m sorry.”
“Sorry? For what?” Rarity asked quizzically.
“For our argument this morning.”
“Oh.”
Rainbow waved the pair goodbye yet again as her friends left the room. Moments later, she turned her head back to the pillow as she started to strain her leg muscles. In an attempt of standing on her hooves, she cringed as she tried to put her weight onto them, cursing silently. Her muscles were still too weak to support her full weight. But the athletic pony wasn’t quick to give up. She transferred some weight to her front legs, making a few push-ups before collapsing back onto the bed.”This is harder than I thought,” she panted, waiting a few minutes before trying yet again.
~*~*~
“I have a really bad feeling about all of this, Applejack,” Rarity said as they walked back towards the Ponyville library. “Even with reassurance from the hospital doctor, that she’ll manage to cope with the loss of her wing, I am not quite sure how that will affect her in... the... Applejack?”
The farm pony fell silent as she picked up the pace as the library, or more specifically library door, came into her focus. The door was opened widely and there were hints of paper lying on the ground. She saw all this before, remembering Twilight mechanically going through her books and muttering a variation of ‘no, not this one either’ over and over again.
“Twilight!” Applejack yelped in a gasp upon arrival to the library entrance. “Twilight!” she repeated herself again as she quickly approached the busy librarian.
“Gah!” Twilight shouted out loud, startling the concerned earth pony, slamming shut a book named Higher level spells. “It’s useless!” she added with a heavy grunt.
“Twilight?” Rarity ask as she entered the library, looking at the mess that the librarian caused while searching through the books “What’s going on in here?”
“I’m frustrated!,” Twilight grunted with a frown. “The wing spell that I cast for you for the competition in Cloudsdale is completely worthless.” She furiously slammed the book back to the place she found it. “It’s completely useless!”
“Twilight?” Rarity sounded concerned “What is wrong?”
“The wing spell that I casted on you was never meant for adult ponies. It was designed for foals, and I’ve just realized that.” The librarian paused, taking in a deep breath before continuing “The spell could have worn off at any moment, Rarity. It was nothing more than a mere toy.”
Rarity gulped heavily as she echoed Twilight’s words. “T-toy?”
Twilight nodded, sending additional shivers down Rarity’s spine.
“But the wings held long enough,” Applejack said, breaking the awkward silence that momentarily fell upon the library “and you’re still here, Rares,” she spoke softly, nudging the white mare lovingly. After a moment of savoring the white mare’s warmth, she turned toward Twilight, speaking in concerned voice, “Twilight? We went to see Rainbow...”
Twilight turned her head to Applejack, still floating a book she intended to put back into it’s place.
“She’s trying to hide her loss, Twilight,” Rarity said softly. “But she did say that she’s sorry for the morning’s argument...”
Twilight gave a slight nod to the unicorn “How... is she?” she asked with a waver in her voice.
“Surprisingly cheerful,” Applejack replied.
“...And a surprisingly bad liar,” Rarity added “She’s even worse than Applejack...”
Applejack glared darkly at Rarity “Ah don’t lie. Element of honesty, remember?”
“Oh, pardon me, my dear and honest Applejack. But every time I bake an apple pie, slices disappear, and you’re claiming that the squirrels are taking those to Fluttershy, even if your breath and mouth say otherwise,” Rarity calmly replied.
“Well excuse me, if Ah—” Applejack looked around the library, looking for a certain purple unicorn “...Twilight?”
But Twilight had teleported out at the very moment when the lovers had started their argument. She wasn’t interested in what the pair had to say about each other or in getting involved in the argument herself. She teleported to the outskirts of Ponyville, hung her head and started walking in a slow pace for no other purpose other than to clear her mind and maybe finding a new perspective over the entire situation...
~*~*~
Soft knocks echoed throughout the Ponyville Library. Twilight’s ear flicked as they bathed in those sounds, grunting in the hopes that the door would open by itself.
“Miss Tweilight?” asked the voice on the other side of the door as the knocks repeated themselves again.
Twilight groaned yet again, recognizing the voice of Ponyville’s own mailmare, Derpy Hooves. “Derpy, it’s four in the morning,” she half-heartedly shouted towards the entrance door.
“Urgent delivery, miss Tweilight,” repeated Derpy behind the closed door. “I need your signature.”
“Spike!” Twilight yelled towards the empty basket in which Spike usually resided. “Spike?” she repeated herself, still without any reply. “Oh; he probably just slept in Sugarcube Corner. Too much ice cream isn’t good, even for a dragon...,” she muttered to herself as she turned her head towards the door. “I’m coming,” she shouted half-heartedly.
The cross-eyed grey pegasus with a set of bubbles as her cutie mark stood at the library door, awaiting for the librarian to sign a clipboard that she patiently held in her mouth.
“Please sign on the bottom, miss Tweilight,” a muffled speech came from her mouth.
“It’s Twilight, Derpy. Twilight Sparkle.”
“Here you go, miss Tweilight,“ she said again after putting away the clipboard and retrieving an envelope from her bag.
Twilight cringed upon hearing her name being butchered yet again and turning her eyes towards the now floating envelope with ‘URGENT!’ stamped on the top-left corner. There was also neatly written address of the Ponyville Library written on it as well as the name of the recipient: ‘Twilight Sparkle’.
Twilight felt uneasy as she reluctantly opened the letter, instantly recognising the horrible writing she could only attribute to a single pony.
‘Twilight.
Waiting for you on Perilous Peak.
I need to show you something.
Rainbow Dash.’
She felt shivers down her spine as any sign of drowsiness from lack of sleep and a long walk around Ponyville left her immediately as she slammed the door shut and started to gallop towards the mountain.
~*~*~
Twilight rapidly approached the dark mountain and chuckled as she remembered how Fluttershy defeated the resident dragon with nothing more than a little bit of courage as she wanted to protect not Ponyville, but just five of her closest friends...
Her hooves became heavier as she started to grow tired; but she refused to give up or slow down, the content of Rainbow’s letter still fueling her fears. As she lit up her horn, the path around her was bathed in magenta light, illuminating her path in front and around her as she tried to get to the top as quickly as possible.
She picked up the pace as she approached the top of the mountain, only stopping momentarily to catch her breath and rest her legs until she approached the very top, finding a familiar silhouette now bathing in the rays of the rising sun.
“R-Rainbow,” she breathed heavily “W-what are you doing here?” she huffed, collapsing from exhaustion on the soft, still slightly wet grass from the morning dew “Why aren’t you in the hospital?” she huffed again, holding a breath for a second before forming another question. “Wait... How did you get up here?”
“Hey, Twi’,” Rainbow said without flinching or turning around to look at the exhausted unicorn. She was sitting on the edge of the cliff, staring into the direction of the rising sun. “I was hoping you would have been here sooner. I didn’t want you to miss this,” she said cheerfully.
“Miss what?” Twilight asked as she raised her head, fixing her eyes on the clouds above her, as they were bathed in orange, shortly followed by the tips of the high trees. Ponyville joined in few moments later, as it performed what it seemed to be a fine-tuned choreography of shadows and lights. Twilight’s mouth stood agape as she watched.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Rainbow asked without pausing to wait for a reply “This has to be my favorite spot in Ponyville. It has been since Fluttershy convinced the resident dragon to move away...” She paused and sighed a little. “It’s too bad I hadn’t known about this place before... We’ve always avoided it... It’s not healthy to get eaten, you know...”
“Rainbow?”
“So many times I woke up early just to watch this. And it never fails to impress me,” she continued without even flinching at the call of her name. “And you wouldn’t believe how amazing it is to feel the morning breeze ruffling your feathers and your mane when you’re speeding through the air.” She caught herself shedding a tear as it landed on one of her hooves.
“Rainbow?” Twilight repeated herself again.
“Take this as my apology, Twilight...” she paused “...and my parting gift,” she said in a low voice, slowly hanging her head.
“You’re leaving? Where to?” Twilight asked quizzically, as she tried to get back onto her still wobbly hooves.
“I don’t know. I don’t think that anypony knows, Twilight,” Rainbow answered darkly, turning her head towards her friend.
“Wait, you don’t—,” Twilight stopped abruptly the moment she realized what Rainbow meant. No.
Rainbow gulped heavily as she unfolded her wing, quickly pushing herself off the edge of the cliff with a slight gasp. “Goodbye, Twilight.”
~*~*~
OK, the Dark tag, the 'Broken Promises' in the title and Rainbow being that falsely cheerful all led me to think she would be attempting suicide at some point. Didn't expect it that quickly, though!
Although, now I'm rather concerned for the trajectory of this story. I think it's reasonable to assume Rainbow is going to survive this, probably through Twilight's intervention. And then what? I'm quite worried this is going to have Rainbow validate her existence solely through a relationship and be done with it, which is... incredibly unhealthy, to put it mildly. There's an intriguing amount of potential here, but I'm starting to think there's a danger of it being binned in favour of writing yet another generic crippled Rainbow Dash romance. So... yeah. Here's hoping we see this from both sides and get a well thought-out resolution to this... particularly if there's a curveball or two thrown in there.
Also, on the technical side of things, this chapter is miles better in terms of pacing, so good job on that! It certainly felt as though you weren't rushing to get the story told this time around, and it worked much better as a result. The quality of the emotional writing was high, as well. The raw emotions shown here were believable and palpable, and it was painful yet enthralling how well you captured Rainbow's manic depression as she tumbles through the stages of grief.
So, keep up the good work! If you've made me of all people anticipate the next chapter of a story about a crippled Rainbow Dash, you're doing something very right
Curse cliffhangers!
NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Disparaging cries to the heavens*
Dashie can't die! Well get hurt more like she did in "To Fix You". But you can't kill Dashie, she and Twilight have to get together.
Fuuuuuu cliffhangers!
Literal cliffhangers this time around. Now we must wait...
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Nah... I'm pretty sure that she won't end up hanging from that cliff...
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I'm also pretty sure that Twilight will go after her...
It'll go like...
No, I won't let you!
Twilight, what are you doing?
Saving you...
And then fade to black...
That was really cliche don't you think...
Yup... this guy shouldn't write...
Sorry...
Wow. Almost a literal cliffhanger.
All of my hate.
Great chapter!
She told Twilight to meet her so Twilight would be there when she threw herself off the edge. Question is why did she do it? Either to punish Twi or because she wanted to be saved. I hope to Celestia that Dash has gone off the deep end and is trying to punish Twilight for breaking her promise to heal her wing.
I do have an issue with Nurse Redheart in this chapter, too. She seemed waaay to happy to drug Dashie.
Overall though, I like this quite a bit, keep going.
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Little known fact; Readheart is following Dash with a dart gun in this story...
...
I think...
No, wait...
Wrong story...
Moving on ...
Has Rainbow remembered Twilight has telekinesis? And there was nothing wrong how you wrote out Applejack's words last chapter. And that's EXACTLY how I imagine Derpy talking! Please please give her more lines.
As for the cliffhanger puns: If Rainbow had a noose around her neck it would be much more difficult to rescue her. A broken neck is not easy to fix so a "Cliffhanger" would be an interesting curve ball. Just tossing that out there.
Guess a visit and talk from would be healthy too? One cripple to another?
Keep it up.
I literal Cliffhanger
I need to know what happens, and I need to know RIGHT NOW!
okay ... that has to be a dream, because if not, waiting for Twilight just to die in front of her, is just cruel.
Wow. Just... Wow.
RD, the toughest, most resilient Pegasus in all of Equestria, just jumped. From a cliff. With one wing.
And where was Celestia in all of this?
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Everyone can break. Regardless of how "tough" they are.
Specially if their hopes and dreams are taken away from them...
Just let her fall, Twi, she's annoying anyways
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And here is the problem with making that comment
You have to seem legitimate
Instead of saying let her fall say
I hope in the next that twilight attempts to save rainbow dash and fails segwaying into Twilights slow descent into madness reaching its climax when she kills herself exactly where rainbow did
2740386 Naw, that's just cruel. I only want the world to be rid of RD and everyone else to live happily ever after
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I... I suppose...
Sorry. I was being inconsiderate. Especialy since I went through something similar.
All I have to say on the matter. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go steel myself against horrific memories. Again.
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Oh I envy your naivete and innocence. Clearly you're not in medicine, lol. Administering analgesic/sedatives to absolutely non-compliant patients is how you stay sane. And trust me, the worst patients are EXACTLY like Dash; headstrong, hate being in a hospital with an irrational level of malice, and think that they're just as smart as a medical professional. Especially when they're not one themselves.
Hell, *I* am an awful patient for exactly those reasons. Plus, it is absolutely hilarious to watch IV drugs like that kick in. It can take someone from indignant rage about the TV, the bed, whatever to a blissful lump in seconds.
I also have to echo the sentiments of the first big care post, Dash letting her life be defined by a relationship with someone isn't healthy. Neither is falling for a caregiver, honestly.
Wow...just...wow. I am very much looking forward to the next chapter now.
Eh, Twi will jump after her and catch her and RD will be able "WTF? are u stupid?!" and then Twi cast "toy wing spell" which is enough to hold them up for long enough to not crash and land pretty safely where then RD goes all wähh wähh lemme die why did u jump after me wähh wähh and Twi will say something and everything´s fine.
Nah, i expect something else to happen.^^
Ahhh GODDAMN cliffhangers
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Nah, it's not naivete and innocence, it's a disagreement with the characterization of Nurse Redheart. I don't think that she would be quite so mean. If it were the fat nurse from "Read It and Weep," however...
What a dick move! Inviting your friend up on a cliff, only to try to commit suicide in front of her.
Love the darkness in the story. And the suicide. Yes I just said that. The suicide.
This is really badly paced. The first chapter more than the second, I suppose, but still. 7,000 words or whatever is not enough to convince me that Rainbow Dash could hate herself enough to be suicidal, and she just comes off as shallow. /Especially/ when she made that decision within, oh, thirty seconds of coming out of a coma.
Rarity and Applejack's relationship is forced and adds very little to the story. I could see it being valuable if it was a subtle tool for exposition, and to your credit that appears to be why it exists, but it's anything but subtle.
The scenes should be longer, especially the dialogue therein. All of the conversations have consisted of one-sentence trivialities. For example, the conversation between Rarity, AJ and Dash in the Hospital. I understand that Dash is supposed to be putting on a show for their benefit, but it's very out of character for Rarijack to just eat it up and not even try to ask any serious questions. If you had shown Dash putting a lot of effort into it, in a longer conversation where everyone was more serious about it, it might have been believable.
This doesn't read like a story, it reads like a list of events that one could conceivably tell a story about; and that's my problem with it.
Hehe cliff hanger after she jumped off a cliff
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Yah lol
Okay, horrified by the ending of this chapter. I know twi's gonna help rainbow later, but that still startled me.
I'm gonna go right now to the next chapter cos I can't wait any longer