Broken Wings
Ponyville ponies hastened to clear up loose branches below the trees as dark clouds eclipsed the sun, thundering ominously.
Rarity snorted derisively through her snout, whining, “Again? Wasn’t the one from last month good enough? My mane is going to be ruined again...”
“Lan’ sakes, Rares, weren't ya listenin'?” Applejack complained. “Tha’yall skipped small showers again last week... So they’ll need to make up for that.”
“I know, Applejack. It’s just-” the unicorn wanted to counter but fell silent, turning her head around as strong gusts whistled through her mane.
“We should go, Rar’ty; the show is about to begin, and we really don’t wanna to be caught in the middle of it again.”
Rarity nodded. “We’ll be safe in Carousel Boutique. And it’s much closer than Sweet Apple Acres.” she yelled over the loud howl of the wind.
The two ponies galloped towards the Boutique, sparse but heavy raindrops falling onto their bodies and exploding outwards where they landed.
Rarity stumbled as she tripped on a rock, sending her nose-first into a small puddle. Too close to stop in time, Applejack tripped over Rarity, crashing straight into the ground and flipping end-over-end to land on her back.
“Augh!” Applejack grunted, quickly hopping back onto her hooves and dusting herself off before turning towards the unicorn.
“Pard’n me, sugarcube, but Ah think you’re a li’l dirty,” Applejack snickered.
Rarity shot a dark look towards the farm pony as Applejack helped her back onto her hooves.
“Pard’n, Rares. We should still run... we really don’t wanna catch the main show.”
“But my mane is ruined!” Rarity whined childishly.
“Ah still think it’s mighty pretty,” Applejack assured, feeling warmth spread across her face, her cheeks glowing light red, “But we still need to get the hay outta here!”
~*~*~
High above the few panicking residents of Ponyville desperately trying to find a shelter before the upcoming storm, Rainbow Dash was just about done with the final careful inspection of the dark cloud cover from below.
“Missing some clouds here!” Rainbow shouted as a cross-eyed pegasus poked her head through the hole and closed it with dark grey fluff, while Rainbow continued checking the last few feet of the cover.
Satisfied that her inspection didn’t take her as much time as she’d anticipated, she happily shouted, “All cle—” Halfway through her yell, a sharp pain shot through her left wing, setting every cell and fibre on fire.
“AAAAARGHHH!” she shrieked, her body spasming from the pain as the bolt of lightning struck the rainbow-maned mare, exploding her wing to tattered and smoldering shreds in the burst of energy.
Rainbow’s vision went blurry as her paralyzed body fell towards the ground, seeing a silhouette of the rapidly approaching Golden Oaks library just before her the world went dark.
She felt leaves and branches brushing harshly against her body before she bounced and landed heavily on the floor. Voices of ponies she couldn’t understand or recognize mumbled around her.
Except for one.
“NO! RAINBOW!” a familiar voice echoed through her head, slowly fading away.
‘At least the pain is gone now,’ she thought.
Then silence.
~*~*~
Beep. Beep. Beep.
The familiar sounds of hospital machinery disturbed Rainbow Dash’s ears as they flickered; she moaned softly as she tried to open her eyes with not much luck.
The beeping started to fade away again, just to come back in focus moments later with some additional muttering and mumbling in the background.
“Ooooh. My head,” she moaned softly, trying to prod her head with her forehoof. She wriggled her limb, but it was held in place, up and away from her chest in some sort of restraint.
The muttering in the background came into focus and she attempted to open her eyes again, blinking away the bright light. She realized that her friends had gathered around the hospital bed, along with nurse Redheart.
“Thirsty,” Rainbow managed to let out in a raspy whisper.
The nurse almost immediately turned and left the room as her friends focused on Rainbow.
“Oh, thank Celestia you’re awake Rainbow,” Twilight croaked through her tired throat. With dark circles under her bloodshot eyes, she approached the pegasus.
“How long have I been here?” Rainbow asked, her voice still a dry and raspy whisper.
“Rainbow,” Twilight sighed with tears in her eyes, “You were in a coma for three months. We all thought we’d lost you.”
“Sorry.”
The door squeaked open again. “Visiting hours are over,” nurse Redhead said in a low voice from the door as the five friends turned towards her. “You can visit again tomorrow. Miss Dash should be much better by then.”
Her friends slowly dispersed as the hospital pony approached Rainbow’s bed.
“How are you feeling Rainbow?”
“Pain,” Rainbow said.
“Miss Dash, all your legs suffered complex fractures,” said the nurse, “Some of your ribs and your skull all suffered more complex breaks. You’re extremely lucky to be alive. Here,” she offered Rainbow a sip from the cup which Rainbow gladly accepted.
“Don’t worry...” she paused as she pushed some buttons on a nearby console, “the pain should be gone in few minutes. Oh and,” nurse added with a smile, “welcome back.”
Rainbow’s vision blurred again as she drifted off to a dreamless sleep.
‘The pain is gone again.’
~*~*~
“SPIKE! We don’t have much time!” shouted Twilight the moment the doors of her library flew open.
“W-what?” Spike shot up in confusion from his basket-bed. “Twilight, but we already looked over everything. Twice,” sounded the half-annoyed dragon, “The princesses weren’t very pleased with the mess we left in the Canterlot library.”
“Maybe we missed something,” the unicorn mumbled in desperation. “Maybe we weren’t looking hard enough.”
Spike sighed heavily, knowing full well that arguing with her was pointless, so he nodded. “I’ll make some coffee then,” he said, heading into the kitchen.
A soft knock echoed throughout the chaotic interiors of the Ponyville library.
“CLOSED!” cried Twilight towards the entrance doors.
Soft knocks repeated themselves. “It’s Rar’ty and Applejack!” sounded the voice of the farm pony from behind the closed doors.
“Oh.” The librarian hung her head and lit her horn to let the duo inside. “Hello, girls,” she muttered as she turned her head to the half-empty shelves, pile of books on the floor, and cups with the gunky black sludge of old coffee inside.
The guests silently glanced around the chaotic library, then looked at each other.
“Twilight?” Rarity spoke after a pause, “How much did you sleep for these past 3 months?”
“Too much,” replied the librarian, hastily opening a book, skimming through it and closing it again just to replace it for another one. “No, this isn’t it either,” she muttered to herself.
“Sugarcube ya’ll need to take a break,” Applejack said in a worried voice, “Or ya’ll end up in the hospital ‘sides Rainbow.”
Twilight completely ignored the comment from her friend, muttering, “Not this one either,” as she put the ‘Advanced Spellcasting’ on the pile of already read books.
Applejack sighed worriedly, looking at the white unicorn. “I think it’s time to go, Rares.”
“Just a minute, Applejack.” She turned to Twilight.
“Twilight,” she spoke softly but with a worried tone in her voice. “You’ve been searching for that spell for last 3 months and found nothing. What if what you’re looking for doesn’t exist?”
“IT HAS TO!” the librarian shouted at the duo. “It has to,” she repeated to herself in a devastated tone.
Tears formed in her eyes. “It has to,” she said, almost whispering to herself, “I can’t stand to see Rainbow being miserable.”
The ponies by the door fell silent as dismay glittered in their eyes
“Twilight—” Applejack started when she felt a hoof on her lips, turning slightly to see Rarity shaking her head at the farm pony.
Rarity spoke softly as she turned to the librarian, saying, “We wish you luck, but we must go now.”
Twilight started to browse through the books again, muttering, “No, it’s not this book either,” to herself again.
Rarity lit her horn, silently opening the entrance doors as both ponies left Twilight alone.
“What do we do ‘bout her?” Applejack asked as they started to distance themselves from the library.
“There is nothing we can do,” Rarity sighed. “Whatever we do will be wrong. She already exhausted all the options, but she just can’t accept the answer. She told me she went through the entire Canterlot library twice, asking both princesses and Zecora,” she continued in a sad tone. “Even if she is the smartest unicorn in Equestria,” she added, “There is nothing she can do about it.”
Applejack stopped. “Rainbow was in th’ coma fer three months,” she said. “I don’t wanna lose another friend fer longer...”
Rarity looked at the earth pony quizzically “Wait, wha—”
“I’m gonna to make myself an enemy,” Applejack said as she galloped back towards the library.
“Earth ponies.” Rarity muttered and looked behind distancing Applejack. “Hey, wait for me! You’re not going to do what I think you are, are you?” Rarity panted, trying to catch Applejack.
“What am Ah trying to do, again?”
“Try to knock her out and hope for the best afterwards?”
“Um... Maybe?”
Rarity sighed. “I think I can help you with the second part.”
The duo stopped at the library and Rarity opened the doors. Applejack quietly approached the librarian in the middle of the chaotic room that used to look like a library.
Twilight was still muttering some variation of, ‘This is not the right book, either,’ completely oblivious to the presence of the earth pony.
“Yer gonna hate meh for this,” Applejack said as Twilight turned around just for her face to meet AJ’s hind hoof.
Thump. The librarian’s unconscious head hit a pile of books labeled ‘already read.’
“So crude. Was that really necessary?” Rarity asked.
“Yes,” Applejack replied, “She wouldn’ stop ‘til she finds wha’ she was looking fer,” she sighed. “Saw it once. It drove a pony nutty.”
“Spike.” Rarity turned to the confused and tired dragon who was poking his head in from the kitchen, “We’re sorry for what we’ve done, but-” she turned to Applejack as she finished the sentence “-but it was necessary.”
“I know,” replied Spike. “You might not want to be here when she wakes up,” he added.
“We still need to clean up this mess. Are you going to help us?”
“No. I’m tired and haven’t slept properly for weeks. Good night.” Spike walked away and clambered up the stairs, snores coming from the bedroom a moment later.
The duo glared at each other and sighed.
“Welp, let’s get started!” said Applejack.
~*~*~
Four hours later, the library interior at least looked like a library. The books sat on their shelves, albeit in the wrong order. Instead of alphabetically, Rarity had made sure that books were stacked in a colorful manner from darkest to the brightest. Floors were mopped and cleaned, any remains of coffee cups or coffee stains removed, and the interiors neatly decorated.
“Wow,” Applejack huffed, “I never thought that there were so many book in this library, and-” she stopped, turning her head to Rarity. “Sugarcube; Are you sure, tha’ this is the right order of the books?”
“Of course it is... That’s the prettiest library I’ve ever seen!”
“But the order is s’posed to be alphabetical, not sorted by color...” Applejack replied.
“Oh, silly Applejack... Can’t this library look beautiful at least once in its lifetime?”
“Rarity; this is a library, not a house t’ decorate. Things work differently here...”
“B-but...” Rarity wanted to object.
“Sorry, Rares. Some things need to be functional rather than look pretty.”
“B—”
“Don’t ya worry, Sugarcube. I’ll help you this time around.”
~*~*~
“I never thought,” Applejack huffed, “That a librarian’s,” another huff, “work would be so hard,” she panted heavily after finishing with the book reorganization two hours later.
“Yes,” Rarity huffed and nodded in agreement, “But now it’s just not as pretty as it was before,” she sounded in an annoyed and disappointed huff as she laid down on the floor and closed her eyes.
Applejack watched the white unicorn with a smile for a few minutes, lying down on the floor beside her, she put her head on Rarity’s soft, well-groomed body, closing her eyes and trying to fall asleep.
She could feel the movement of the unicorn below her head a minute or two later, quickly realizing that Rarity wanted to reorganize the bookshelves again…
“Rarity?” Applejack felt a flinch in the unicorn’s body. “I know what yer tryin’ to do.”
“I just-”
“Sleep, sugarcube.”
“Ponyfeathers.” Rarity sounded disappointed, but finding comfort in twisting her neck and curling it towards the farm pony.
~*~*~
Applejack gently nuzzled the coat below her head, slowly turning her head around to look around the library.
Twilight was still lying motionless in the middle of the room, but soft snores were now coming from her mouth.
Applejack sighed in relief, “At least she’s all right.” She stood up, lowering her head just to steal a short kiss from the beautiful white mare. “Hey Rare.”
“Mmmmorning, Applejack,” Rarity softly moaned in delight.
She quickly came around, remembering where they are and why they were in the library. “Twilight?”
“Sleeping.” Applejack replied as the room filled with soft snores from the librarian and not-so-soft ones from Spike.
“Maybe we should go.” Rarity turned her head to Applejack.
“No,” she replied. “She’ll be mad at meh, but leavin’ her alone is not a good idea.”
Just moments later, both mares turned their head towards the now grunting Twilight.
“Augh. My head hurts. What hap-” she grunted as she prodded her head with her hoof, twisting her neck and seeing the two, now standing, mares. “OUT, APPLEJACK!” she shouted, jumping to her hooves, remembering the reason behind her headache and the loss of a big portion of the day.
“But I-” the earth pony tried to explain herself, just to be greeted by a flying copy of ‘Encyclopedia of Spellcasting’ which caught her in the chest, winding her and causing her to lose her balance. Applejack grunted as her head met the wooden floor. She picked herself up and started running towards the library exit.
“OUT!” Twilight shouted again as the earth pony fumbled through the front door just to dive out the path of the second book Twilight had sent her way.
“You too, Rarity!” she yelled as she shifted her focus towards the lone unicorn.
“No,” she countered, “I’m staying right here.”
“You just don’t want me to help Rainbow, do you?” Twilight glared darkly towards the, now silent, Rarity. “OUT!” the librarian shouted again, lighting her horn and picking up ‘History of Equestria: Volume one’.
“No.” Rarity repeated without flinching.
“THEN WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO ME TO HELP RAINBOW?” Twilight cried.
“Twilight,” Rarity spoke softly. “We all want to help Rainbow, and we will as much as we can.”
“B-BUT WHY-” the purple unicorn sputtered, her anger spent and the sheer hopelessness of the situation closing in on her.
“Twilight,” Rarity sighed, “In the time since Rainbow’s accident, you’ve spent every moment searching for a spell to mend her wing; you’ve even asked both princesses and Zecora but haven’t had any luck.”
“W-what are you saying?” Twilight asked, on the verge of crying.
“Twilight,” Rarity hung her head, a tear sliding down her cheek, “Not even you can fix Rainbow’s wing. Not even you can fix everything.”
Twilight sat down, devastated, ‘Not even you can fix Rainbow’s wing,’ echoed through her head, ‘Not even you can fix everything.’
She felt the full weight of those words come crashing down on her as she started to sob, heavy tears of despair sliding down her cheeks, landing on the wooden floor.
Twilight felt a warm set of hooves wrap softly around her neck, and she impulsively raised her hooves to cling to her friend, bawling into her mane.
“We’re sorry,” Rarity said “We’re both sorry about what we did, but—”
“I-I understand,” Twilight replied and sniffled as she wiped her teary eyes. “Thank you.”
“Are you going to be alright?”
Twilight hung her head, sighing. “Yes.”
“Are you really going to be alright?”
“Yes. It’s just-” Twilight paused, she turned back to Rarity, “I just wish I could do something.”
“I know,” Rarity replied in a soothing tone, “We will all help her as much as we can...”
She gave a tight hug to Twilight yet again, planting a soft kiss on her forehead. “It’s going to be just fine, Twilight.”
~*~*~
“Oh that Twilight! What is keeping her? She should’ve been here 10 minutes ago!” Rarity nervously looked at Applejack, standing beside her. “Applejack, does my mane look pretty?”
“Oh! Oh!” chirped an enthusiastically bouncing pony. “Twilight is coming! My Pinkie sense says she will be here in a minute!” She continued to bounce. “Oh and you-”
“Yer mane always looks perdy,” Applejack jumped into Pinkie’s sentence with a smile on her lips. “Bu’ this is a hospital, not a fashion show, so you don’—”
She fell silent and took a step back as she caught a glimpse out of the corner of her eye of the approaching librarian.
“Maybe Ah should-” she grimaced, taking another step back.
“No, Applejack,” Rarity paused, turning her head towards Applejack, “She isn’t angry at you anymore.”
“I’m sorry,” Twilight huffed audibly, “I needed to clean—” she stopped, still heavily breathing through her nostrils, and locked her eyes on the scared-looking earth pony.
“Applejack,” she sighed and hung her head. “I’m sorry for the...” she stopped to carefully choose her words: “Library incident,” she continued.
“No, Ah should be th’ one apologisin’,” Applejack paused, looking at Rarity and turning her head back to Twilight, “But Ah’ didn’t know of any other way to snap you out of it.”
“I know.” Twilight sighed. “I just wish that it didn’t hurt that much.”
“Friends?” Applejack asked.
“Friends,” Twilight replied as she wrapped the earth pony in a hug.
“G-girls?” Fluttershy asked in her usual, sheepishly shy voice, making the heads of her friends turn towards her “We should go. Let us not keep Rainbow Dash waiting.”
~*~*~
“Hey guys!” Rainbow cheerfully greeted the bouncing Pinkie, knowing that other four of her friends couldn’t be far behind.
She wasn’t wrong. Moments later, Fluttershy appeared between the doors, followed by Applejack and Rarity, the last of her friends to enter the room was Twilight.
“Check out the cast, guys!” Rainbow nodded towards her body cast, “Even Spitfire signed on there!” she let out a girly squee.
While her other friends gathered around her, admiring her cast with signatures of flyers, bakers, parents, and other ponies she knew, including the signatures from all three Cutie Mark Crusaders; Twilight was standing in the background silently, looking at the rainbow-maned mare.
“And you know what that means, don’t you?” she sounded even more enthusiastic, “Wonderbolts are gonna let me join the squad as soon as Twilight fixes my wing!”
“Yay!” shouted Pinkie in her usual, enthusiastic voice.
A quiet cheer of “Woo-hoo!” came from Fluttershy.
Applejack and Rarity looked at each other silently.
“Bu’ yer wing—” Applejack started, only to be interrupted by Rainbow.
“Oh, I’m not worried about my wing,” she said, turning her eyes towards the librarian, “Twilight will find a way to fix it.”
Twilight hung her head, tears forming in her eyes.
“I… can’t, Rainbow,” she said, her voice wavering, “I can’t fix your wing.”
'"Nah, I'm sure you're just being modest, I mean you've done bigger and better stuff, right?" Rainbow asserted as the rest of the group nervously shuffled their hooves.
“I'm sorry Rainbow... I'm not joking... I've looked everywhere... there's nothing,” Twilight sighed heavily as a tear slid down her cheek. “I wish I could fix it, but...” she clenched her teeth, remembering Rarity’s words, “But even I can’t fix everything. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
Rainbow fell silent as her brain tried to process the magnitude of the situation.
Rainbow dash, the greatest and fastest flyer in Equestria, the filly who proved to everypony that the Sonic Rainboom is real, a future Wonderbolt. Rainbow Dash, the most awesome pony around was now wingless. Grounded. Lost.
She was devastated. The only thing that she ever wanted to be, her most heartfelt desires, gone in flash of bright light, leaving nothing but a pile of smoldering ashes behind.
The lightning should have just finished the job and had done with it.
“I wanna be alone,” Rainbow said with a sad voice, tears forming in her eyes, “Please leave.”
“Rainbow, I—”
“Just leave, please,” she repeated herself with a sniffle.
The five friends left the room with their heads hung. Pinkie Pie didn’t bounce anymore, Fluttershy whimpered softly, Rarity and Applejack walked close to each other, both silently shedding tears for their friend and Twilight could barely keep herself from collapsing in the middle of the floor and crying her eyes out.
Nurse Redheart entered the room as she saw the group of sad ponies leaving, turning to Rainbow.
“Oh,” she muttered in realization, watching the tears stream down Rainbow's face. “It’s because of the wing, isn’t it?”
Rainbow closed her eyes and clenched her teeth at the sound of the word ‘wing’. “Nurse?” she said.
“Yes, miss Dash?”
“I want you to kill me.”
Nurse Redheart went pale at the sound of those words, “E-excuse me?”
“I want you to kill me,” Rainbow said coldly, “My life is pointless anyway.”
“Don’t be silly,” the nurse replied anxiously, “your wings are just-”
“You really don’t understand, do you?” Rainbow replied, her voice still cold and deterministic, “My wings aren’t just something to fly with. I live and breathe the sky at speeds that even the Wonderbolts would be jealous of. I am Rainbow Dash. THE Rainbow Dash.” She stopped for a bit, turning her eyes toward nurse Redheart just to observe the presence or absence of her emotional attachment. She continued a moment after, “My life went out with that lightning bolt. It burned all my reasons to live.”
“But every life—” the nurse tried to counter.
“—is worth saving?” Rainbow replied, unwavering, “Really? Even those who don’t want to be saved?’ she added swiftly.
Nurse Redheart said nothing.
“My request still stands, nurse.”
“No,” she replied finally, leaving the room.
~*~*~
Twilight’s heart sank as she listened to nurse Redheart.
“Rainbow Dash asked WHAT?!” Twilight cried in shock as she learned about Rainbow’s suicidal request.
“I’m sorry, Miss Sparkle, but...” the nurse handed over Rainbow’s chart to Twilight “... but her cast is coming off tomorrow. She will remain in hospital for observation for few more days, but she’ll have to be released after that... I’m worried about what she’ll do after she’s released.”
Twilight sat down abruptly, shell-shocked.
“I know,” she said in a devastated voice. “I-I’ll take care of her after that...” she sniffled “Me and my friends...”
Twilight stood up, her legs shaking as she slowly walked to Rainbow’s room, trying to regain her composure, but with little luck. She couldn’t silence the sobs, nor could she hide the tears, still flowing down her cheeks.
She finally reached Rainbow’s door, her eyes still tearful and her sobs eminent. She pushed open the door and tried to start talking.
“W-why?” she asked the only occupant of the room, still immobile in her cast. Rainbow said nothing. “Are- Are your wings really more important than your friends? Or your family?” Twilight continued, fishing for an answer. “Or-”
“I...” Rainbow cut in before looking down and falling silent. “Can’t you just go away and leave me alone?” she grumbled.
Twilight pulled herself together, giving Rainbow the most determined, “No,” she’d managed to compile in her entire life.
“What do you want me to become? A nerd? A party clown? Will I need to buck trees with my hooves every day? Go away, Twilight. Leave me alone.”
“That’s not going to happen, Rainbow Dash.”
“Fine. Whatever. I don’t care either way.”
“You may not... But I do. We all do.” Twilight hung her head, shedding another tear, “We all do.”
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I guess I'll follow. It's moving kind of fast, and the Applejack/Rarity stuff is just distracting, and you should work on expanding your scenes and making them flow better, but I like flightless Dash stories and this one looks like it has a chance of continuing, unlike most. And I love the cover art.
We are intrigued by thy story. It does seem to be fast paced but We enjoy the love between Fair Applejack and Rarity. It's is a nice break up between all thy tragedy. Thou hast been favourited in The Royal canterlot libraries and We await thy next scroll eagerly.
2577361 ...must... keep... calm... must...
I still need to learn how to pace the story properly. The next chapter is already about 30% done, but now that I've got a nudge about pacing, yeah... It will be in need of... expanding...
For now. But there is important place for that as well... In chapter 2 as well as in third one.
Thankee. My own making :)
2577430
That will be improved later on...
Also; Thank you <3
On the subject of the ending of the chapter... you know, I'd really like to see a story where Dash did actually end her life after her lover decided it would be kindest to let her go. Because this is something I never, ever see in crippled Rainbow romances: the disability itself being dealt with properly. Either it's healed by the end (good enough) or it kinda gets swept away because love is apparently a good enough substitute for a healthy body (awful)
I don't think enough stories take into account what Rainbow says: flying is her everything. Even if her friends support her, even if she adapts, she will only ever be a shadow of what she was going to become, and no amount of shipping or alternative things to do is going to change that. And honestly? I'm not afraid to say it wouldn't be wrong to just end it there: admit she had a good run cut short, but it that would be cruel to force her to continue to live, doubly so under a guilt trip of 'abandoning her friends'. I'm guessing this story won't go that way, but it's an interesting concept I'd love to see done right.
However, on the subject of this story: well done. You nail the emotions down well, especially Twilight's near-breakdown to try and find a regenerative spell, and Rainbow's cold assertion that she wants to die upon finding out about her wing. You know what? I'm gonna follow this story. And that's not a decision made lightly. I normally spurn crippled pony fics on face value, especially ones about Rainbow. I still despise the Blind Rainbow Dash Tumblr and the story based on it
But this? I'd like to see where it goes. I dunno. There's something about it that makes me think it won't be the angsty, resolution-less mess most of these stories end up as. Write on... and I shall cautiously anticipate the next update,
2577745 I will just say that I have a couple of tricks under my hooves.
While I must agree, it's moving kinda fast, not so fast as to take anything away. Sure, a little more detail or thoughts or emotions here and there could bump the story up a few notches, but as it is you're not really loosing marks for things you clearly missed. I like where this is going, I'll be watching this.
Live it need moar
Well I must say that I know what dear Twilight is facing. I have a friend who can be very depressed at times and often takes what I say and makes it seem as if I don't care about her, and after her grandfather died is when she became depressed, and I got so worried about her I told her not to hurt her self but she tried to cut herself with some dull scissors, so I told the councilor and stayed close to her. I'm sure twilight will try to do the same.
2577745. True, but also remember that Rainbow would NEVER abandon her friends and killing herself would be the ultimate form of abandoning them.
oi you best continue this else you will have quite a few disappointed folk, and do try to expand on it a bit
Really good story, I'd like to see what happens next.
Alright, I'm interested and I'll give this a follow. However, it will be in the hopes that you'll fix the pacing in chapter 2. If not well...we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.
Well this was very good and I have to say congrats on the feature.
ill let the decapitated pony heads speak for me
2579335 See, I think this is such a silly oversimplification of Rainbow's Element as to make it meaningless. Sure, when healthy, she's not going to abandon them.
But now? She can't do the thing her cutie mark talent ascribes to. That's a pretty big deal. Moreover, what if her inability to move on drags all her friends down with her? Isn't it abandonment in a way to leave them in a state of emotional limbo involving her, because she can't get over what's happened to her and by extension neither can they? Would it not perhaps be easier, she might reason (and her friends too once she talked them round), to pass on, releasing her from her torment and allowing her friends to grieve one last time and move on?
Yeah, it's far from an ideal situation. But I think it's ridiculous to extrapolate loyalty from a healthy person through such devastating and life-changing consequences, which is why I said I'd like to see this handled maturely. I'm not saying that it would be "Well, my wing's gone. Guess I'd better brush up on my noose-tying skills." I'm saying that it's not unreasonable or unfair to say there could be a situation where Rainbow and her friends come to the conclusion that it would be kinder for her and for them if she were to pass on. And I don't think "But... but she'd never abandon her friends!" is anywhere close to a good refutal.
It's been ages since I've seen a "Dash breaks her wing" story. I thought they went extinct after Read It and Weep aired.
Not quite done reading yet, as I'm kinda falling asleep, but you might wanna take it easy on Applejack there. Writing an accent is one thing, but the amount of glottal stops you throw into her speech make her sound less midwestern and more hillbilly.
Edit: Right, done reading. Not bad. Dialogue could use some work, and there's a mistake or two here or there. Concept is nothing new, so I'm interested to see how you'll make yours unique. Apart from that: AJ's accent is absurdly thick, capslock isn't really needed for shouting, pre-readers are a good thing.
I'll follow it, but I would definitely say it could do with some polishing.
pretty good i don't find anything wrong with the paceing or any of that crap i just enjoy the story line and plot
I loled.
"Perdy"? Applejack has a bit of a drawl, not down syndrome. Dude.
Argh!
The feels!
It hurts!
*ded*
Going by a little fast, and I am guessing Rarity and Applejack are in a relationship also? Well... Eager to read the next chapter.
MOAAAAR!!! Good storyline and awesome writing though Applejack doesnt sound like that, i think you kind of exaggerated her accent.
Second the story moves a little fast. not trying to critisize, just trying to be of some help
by the description, it seems rainbow isn't that unhappy in life after losing her wings, yet there is a dark tag. a dark tag would be appropriate is say rainbow killed herself out of depression, but the description kinda tells you nothing of the sort will happen.
so i ask if you have a reason for the dark tag, or if you added it to be safe? basically what though in your ind about the story made you add it. i'm just unsure what type of story this is as of right now. hoping to understand with some extra insight.
I was interested in this until Applejack started talking, then it all went downhill fast. We'll be ignoring my feelings on RariJack, okay?
It's okay to give her an accent, but for the love of God, Jesus Christ, and all the angels and the saints, don't overdo it! This is way too much! Did you see other people's portrayal of her accept and think, "hmm, this isn't nearly thick enough?" Because trust me, this is more than enough. It couldn't have sounded good in your head, it simply couldn't have. Read it out loud.
You do not EVER knock someone out, even if she's obsessing over something like that. This is a serious gripe of mine and more people need to understand it. Knocking someone unconscious is extremely dangerous. They can get all sorts of fun things, like a concussion, or brain damage! And as I understand it, she's under for several hours? On the plus side, she won't keep trying to fix Rainbow's wing anymore. On the minus, well, derfherf my name Twilt Spork!
And finally, Rainbow clearly doesn't have any real friends, the way these assholes act. Anecdote: I was in and out of the hospital for a few months a couple years back. My leg kept locking up, sometimes working, sometimes not. The doctors just couldn't figure out what was wrong. But did they give up? No! No they did not! They worked until they found a solution! Brilliant doctors, you've got here. And brilliant Twilight, real great friend.
That's all. Play me out
filthy hippieBill.If this had gone on any longer I would have cried.
Applejack's accent is painful to read.
Like, literally. It's so badly written that it physically hurts my eyes to look at it.
Other than that, this is pretty good. I look forward to more. Just... fix Applejack. Please.
Do not attempt to write Applejack's accent phonetically. It is terrible, wrong, and painful for your readers.
Also, it is poor form to submit your story to multiple folders in groups. Pick the one that it fits best into.
Um. That... Well those are certainly words, except for the one that's misspelled.
Try this instead:
It's more clear. It's grammatically correct. And it tells me more. Oh, and it's grammatically correct.
I want to read this as it's a great concept, but Applejack is killing me here. Also, Nurse Redheart's reaction to Rainbow's outburst felt a little blase.
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I've fixed AJ's accent. Sorry about that.
2581374
So is crashing into trees with full speed so that your eyes pop out on the other side, being knocked into a wall by a dragon, slam into the library when your attempt of making a sonic rainboom miserably fails and so on and so forth. These are cartoon ponies. They've all suffered more than just a simple "kick in the head." That is my gripe when people don't know how to distinct the world of cartoons and the real world.
Really?
Then your doctors must be much better than mine, since mine did. And when your doctor doesn't have the technology, knowledge or the science didn't manage to resolve the issue, they will clearly seek out a solution that they don't have (yet). Because House MD.
I wonder what kind of solution they have for people before the artificial limbs were avail...OHWAIT.
This concludes cynical and rational comment.
2581680 Well you're stupid.
This concludes pissed off and tired comment.
2581680
Was it Lupus?
2581766 It's never lupus. Unless it's lupus. Yes.
2581771 It was Lupus.
Once.
2581374
Rainbow's wing is literally gone. Burned off completely. From what Twilight said, there are no ways to replace a wing. She's one of the smartest ponies in all of Equestria, the personal student of Princess Celestia and Element of Magic. She searched for 3 months and couldn't find anything, going so far as to read through the Canterlot Royal Archives for an answer. If there was one, she would have found it. She was driving herself insane trying to find an answer that simply Does. Not. Exist. How does admitting the truth make Dash's friends assholes? Ugh
2582292 Then what's all this about a cast?
2582316 Hi. Remember me?
Let me link you something, that you most likely didn't watch before.
And it's enough to watch first two minutes. OK. 2.5.
2582566 What is anyone even talking about anymore? Actually, no. Nevermind. Don't reply. I don't care anymore.
2582576
She broke her leg. I have no idea what the video contains, as I am unable to watch it at the moment.
I like the story, I don't like your writing. Sorry!
Nothing is described in detail. It reads more like a summary of a story than an actual story.
2582944 *wing, not leg.
2583432 It's the pacing problem. I'm painfully aware of that.
That is exactly why I'm scrapping the chapter 2 until I get the a better grip on resolving that issue.
2582316
Yeah, sorry for getting all snippy. I've had an off day, but that doesn't justify taking it out on others online.
Anyway, I can see how that would be confusing. The cast in the story is a full-body cast, most likely from the damage she sustained when she hit the ground. If you look back at the scene with her initial injury, it says that her wing exploded into "tattered and smoldering shreds" from the lightning. Adding to that, the picture for this fic shows RD with only one wing outstretched, implying that the other one is completely gone.
This detail could probably be made more clear to avoid further confusion.
2583479
Actually; this is very well explained in the story:
2583531
Oh, I meant the status of her wing. Is it indeed gone, like I said, or is some of it still there? I can't find any mention of it beyond the storm scene.
2583568
It isn't stated in this chapter, since Rainbow only gets out of the cast in the next one. But yeah. One wing is completely gone, and you were right. On all counts xD
2583625
Okay, thanks for clearing that up. I was about ready to eat my shoe. Trust me, it's not all it's cracked up to be.